Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 489919

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Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger** » pinkeye

Posted by fallsfall on April 26, 2005, at 16:51:49

In reply to Why would anyone like me? **Trigger**, posted by pinkeye on April 26, 2005, at 16:10:02

I have heard people say that nobody likes them and I have known for a fact that it isn't true. So I would check your facts before you decide that it is truly the case. It is hard to find out if people like you. Many times they show it instead of telling you. Has anyone ever called to check on you after you've been looking down? Has anyone's face lit up when they saw you come into a room? Is there someone who would help you if you asked them to (and I know that lots of people have a really hard time asking - the question is not whether you would ask, but whether if you *did* ask, if someone would help you with something)?

You don't seem like such a bad person on Babble, I can't imagine you are so horrible in real life.

 

Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger** » fallsfall

Posted by pinkeye on April 26, 2005, at 17:12:52

In reply to Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger** » pinkeye, posted by fallsfall on April 26, 2005, at 16:51:49

don't know. feeling very disliked lately.

 

Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger**

Posted by PM80 on April 26, 2005, at 17:19:46

In reply to Why would anyone like me? **Trigger**, posted by pinkeye on April 26, 2005, at 16:10:02

I have experienced this feeling or something very close. I also have never been suicidal; just feeling absolutely hopeless and despondent. It feels so real, but it is actually your depression talking. I keep giving out the quote that someone put on one of the boards here that I liked: Don't believe everything you think. And right now, this is true for you. Your friends do care, your parents care. I'd bet that if you told your friends how you are feeling they would be shoulder for you to cry on or lean on or whatever you need. You would try to be there for them, right? They cannot be there for you if they don't know you need them. Maybe, even, some of them feel the same as you do and think that you do not care about them unless they are "happy". I have found, far more often then not, that my friends have emotional struggles of their own that they do not often share unless invited to.

Hang in there. Within the scope of this lifetime, hope abounds.

 

Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger** » pinkeye

Posted by Tamar on April 26, 2005, at 17:21:31

In reply to Why would anyone like me? **Trigger**, posted by pinkeye on April 26, 2005, at 16:10:02

Well, I only know you from this board, but I like you. You’re kind and thoughtful and caring and interesting and intelligent. You’ve been very supportive to me, and to others here: that’s a very likeable quality!

I’m sure many people like you. Are you being too hard on yourself, especially about your therapists’ feelings for you? I know it’s hard to figure out whether they like us, but they’re not really allowed to say.

(((((pinkeye)))))

 

Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger** » pinkeye

Posted by Dinah on April 26, 2005, at 17:47:44

In reply to Why would anyone like me? **Trigger**, posted by pinkeye on April 26, 2005, at 16:10:02

Hmmm... My therapist in CBT mode would say that whenever you hear "nobody" or "everybody" or "never" or "all the time" coming out of your mouth, you should probably look for some distorted thinking.

I wouldn't do that to you. :)

But you aren't disliked here. People care about you.

On the other hand, I think people here care about me, but I find myself socially shunned in person. On the other other hand, how socially shunned I am has to do with a lot of things. Where I am, who the society is, how anxious I'm feeling. I struck up a perfectly nice conversation with a perfect stranger today, who didn't show any signs of wanting to shun me.

Soooo.... Maybe you can narrow it down some?

 

Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger** » PM80

Posted by pinkeye on April 26, 2005, at 18:01:09

In reply to Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger**, posted by PM80 on April 26, 2005, at 17:19:46

I don't too much about friends. some of them care - but only for sometime... if you keep being depressed, I think they go away from you and don't like you anymore.

Maybe you are right about the depression talking part. I have been fighting to keep myself cheerful after leaving my ex T, and I think that is taking a huge toll.. plus my conflict about returning back to my country. and it is making my pain from arthritis worse and that is making my feelings worse.. it is all going in a vicious cycle.

 

Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger** » Tamar

Posted by pinkeye on April 26, 2005, at 18:03:18

In reply to Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger** » pinkeye, posted by Tamar on April 26, 2005, at 17:21:31

thanks Tamar.
I think you are right about this ex T... I just don't know how to come out of it. I think I am not even so much into him anymore. Just that he didn't like me is hurting so much. and maybe all of it has nothing to really do with him. maybe it is all transference. but I just don't know what to do to solve it.. I keep banging my head over it again and again and again, and getting hurt.

 

Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger** » Dinah

Posted by pinkeye on April 26, 2005, at 18:09:35

In reply to Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger** » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on April 26, 2005, at 17:47:44

How do you solve your distorted thinking? Any idea? For me there is not much difference in me between babble and outside. I am kind of the same. Maybe a little more supportive to others in babble more than in IRL. But pretty much the same otherwise.

 

Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger** » pinkeye

Posted by Dinah on April 26, 2005, at 18:17:18

In reply to Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger** » Dinah, posted by pinkeye on April 26, 2005, at 18:09:35

In that case you're probably just fine.

How much do you do to increase your social circle? My husband is a very social critter, but he does almost nothing to increase his social circle. He doesn't ask anyone from work to go to a ball game. He doesn't call any of the couples we do know to go to the park with their kids or over for pizza.

I end up doing most of the social arranging and I'm notoriously antisocial.

Like my Daddy used to say, they're not going to find you lying in bed watching TV. He was a sage, my Dad. :)

Can you think of things IRL to do?

 

Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger** » Dinah

Posted by pinkeye on April 26, 2005, at 18:25:34

In reply to Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger** » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on April 26, 2005, at 18:17:18

Thanks Dinah. I don't have any interest to expand my social circle here. AT this point, I just want my ex T to come back and tell me he liked me - not in a romantic way or anything, but just that he really liked me as a person and he cared about me. I feel I am not able to move on without that.. And it kind of kills me - to have told everything to a person and him finally saying there was no question of him liking me or disliking me. It pretty much hurts me to the core. I don't know why it hurts so much.. I am not even attracted to him anymore. Truth is, I don't even really remember his face very clearly. I haven't seen him for more than a year and 6 months. I just want to know that he liked me.. that he didn't hate me from the beginning and was just listening to all my b*llshit stories to help me.

 

Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger** » pinkeye

Posted by Dinah on April 26, 2005, at 18:30:52

In reply to Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger** » Dinah, posted by pinkeye on April 26, 2005, at 18:25:34

But you answered that yourself in a previous thread, didn't you? And a very insightful one at that. Between the nature of therapy and the culture he operates in, he was constrained to behave as he did. It doesn't mean he didn't like you, just that he didn't say he did like you.

But...

That was a good narrowing down. You isolated the problem from nobody liking you to being sad that you don't feel like your ex therapist liked you. My therapist in CBT mode would say you've done a really good restructuring or something there.

But I won't do that to you. ;)

 

Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger** » Dinah

Posted by pinkeye on April 26, 2005, at 18:34:08

In reply to Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger** » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on April 26, 2005, at 18:30:52

But why I am not able to move on at all? Why am I just stuck in the same loop again and again and again and again? I am better for 2 days, and then go back to hurting the 3 rd day, and have to start the reasoning all over again. And it takes me two days to figure out, that my therapist only didn't say he liked me - that he meant well etc. And that lasts only 2 days. And then the whole cycle starts. And I inevitable extrapolate the non liking part to everyone around me.

 

Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger** » Dinah

Posted by pinkeye on April 26, 2005, at 18:40:45

In reply to Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger** » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on April 26, 2005, at 18:30:52

And I want to send one last email to my T, and ask him to atleast say that he liked me.. even if he didn't mean it. That will atleast give me something to move on. I am not able to move on with this at all.

But I am afraid to do that.. it will again just get no response. And even if he did respond, he might just punish me more.. and say he hates me or something like that.

 

Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger** » pinkeye

Posted by Dinah on April 26, 2005, at 18:43:51

In reply to Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger** » Dinah, posted by pinkeye on April 26, 2005, at 18:34:08

Would it help to keep your posts from the good days handy?

I'm not really an expert on this, but I've heard that being in love is sort of like that. When a relationship ends, it takes a lot of obsessing about it for some people to get over it. That's why we go to therapists.

I've never really been in love with anyone who didn't love me back. At least enough to marry me. Maybe not like Luke and Laura or anything.

But if my therapist were to terminate me and I lived, I imagine it would be sort of like that even though I only love him, I'm not in love with him. Or maybe I'd forget all about him the next day. Dissociation has its virtues.

 

Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger** » pinkeye

Posted by Dinah on April 26, 2005, at 18:45:10

In reply to Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger** » Dinah, posted by pinkeye on April 26, 2005, at 18:40:45

He wouldn't punish you. But didn't you say you already asked him? I imagine his answer would be more or less the same.

 

Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger** » Dinah

Posted by pinkeye on April 26, 2005, at 18:53:40

In reply to Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger** » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on April 26, 2005, at 18:43:51

I have tried looking at the posts from the good days - they only make me more sick.

I don't think I am in love with him. I don't think I ever was. I don't really know him all that well. For that matter, I don't know if I have ever been in love with anyone in my life. Looking back, all the men I was attracted to was a result of some sort of transference on my part.

It is mostly some sort of transference, most likely from my dad.

 

Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger** » Dinah

Posted by pinkeye on April 26, 2005, at 18:54:38

In reply to Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger** » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on April 26, 2005, at 18:45:10

Yeah I have asked and gotten either indifference as response or no response at all. Pushing it further will probably lead to some sort of psychological punishment for me. And I don't dare to do it.

 

Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger** » Dinah

Posted by pinkeye on April 26, 2005, at 19:06:20

In reply to Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger** » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on April 26, 2005, at 18:43:51

Anyway, your post just threw some light into this falling in love thing for me. I think I will never fall in love wiht anyone. If they didn't love me back, I would most likely end up killing myself. I am just way too scared to really let myself fall in love with anyone. Sorry I am just rambling rambling rambling today. thanks for being patient with me.

 

Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger** » pinkeye

Posted by Dinah on April 26, 2005, at 19:31:08

In reply to Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger** » Dinah, posted by pinkeye on April 26, 2005, at 19:06:20

Talking to you requires no patience. :) It's a pleasure.

I'm sorry this is causing you so much pain, but I do understand. I'm planning to kill myself if my therapist ever terminates me, you know.

Not very enlightened of me.

 

Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger** » Dinah

Posted by pinkeye on April 26, 2005, at 19:36:48

In reply to Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger** » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on April 26, 2005, at 19:31:08

Thanks :-)

I am actually quite amazed that your therapist let you stay with him for nearly 10 years. But then maybe if my ex T had continued practicing, maybe I would have just tried to cling on to him. I still cannot forgive him for terminating me. He actually had pretty valid reasons. But I think I will never understand.

Do you know if it is really to do with my dad? My new T keeps saying that all my intense attachment, my fear of not being loved back, my getting hurt so much is actually in response to my experiences with my dad. I am breaking my head to try to understand it, but not able to.

 

Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger** » pinkeye

Posted by Dinah on April 26, 2005, at 19:53:41

In reply to Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger** » Dinah, posted by pinkeye on April 26, 2005, at 19:36:48

I don't know. Could be.

I don't think mine had anything to do with either parent. My attachment to him is based more on the fact that he feels like no one I've ever met before in my entire life.

He said something sort of intriguing today. He said that when he stands up from the chair he sits on in therapy, he transitions from therapist back to his normal self. So that when he's doing the paperwork of the visit, he's not quite the same person he is when he's in his chair.

I don't know the him outside his chair all that well. I'm not sure if I'd like it. I am sure I don't want to get to know it. But the him in that chair gives me something I need like mothers milk. If there's anything I learned from having no sessions for nearly two weeks, it's how much my day to day stability depends on that maintenance therapy.

I'm not saying it's necessarily healthy. My therapist, being a bottom line sort of guy, thinks it is healthy because I'm not being self destructive the way I was before.

 

Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger** » Dinah

Posted by pinkeye on April 26, 2005, at 20:07:02

In reply to Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger** » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on April 26, 2005, at 19:53:41

Actually I appreciate the fact that your therapist has been behaving in such a humane fashion with you. That is what we need more than anything else in a T. I am glad you have him.

I think I need to put a stop to my rumination aobut my ex T not liking me. He is not even going to write to me again, maybe not even once in my life time I will ever hear from him. What is the use in getting frustrated so much you know? For all I know he must have even forgotten all about me by now. It has been 3 months since he terminated, and hasn't responded even once. And I think he would have just become very busy in the new city he has moved in.. and will be meeting lot of new people and will be very busy. He didn't have time for me when he had a more laid back life, now he is in a big city - he must have forgotten everything about me completely.

 

Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger** » pinkeye

Posted by Shortelise on April 27, 2005, at 0:19:38

In reply to Why would anyone like me? **Trigger**, posted by pinkeye on April 26, 2005, at 16:10:02

((pinkeye))

I just hate this for you.

But I'll tell you this: we choose our friends.

I hope you chose you therapist.

Any so-called friends of mine who suddenly find themselves indisposed when I am going through a rough spot are off the invitation list for New Years Eve!

Pinkeye, we make it what it is. It's not like there's some pattern lain out by the universe that we are forced to follow. No one points a finger and says, you are going to be friends with him and her and her and him. The woman at your favourite cafe might be your best friend - you just don't know it yet - you kow the one - she always notices when you're having a bad day. Or maybe there is no one like that you've noticed, maybe because you're not looking, or maybe because you're so sure that you're unloveable that you send out those vibes.

You could try a day where you look everyone in the eye - strangers as well as people you like. Look 'em all in the eye, and send a friendly look, a "I'm a nice person" look. Real in the eye stuff, real open, see what's in here, look at what's out there.

WHen I first started doing this, it amazedme how many people responded with kindness as soon as they understood that I was going to be nice. As soon as I let my guard down, and showed them how soft and kind I am in here, wow, most of them, not all, but most were just as gentle. I can go for coffee any day of the week and feel ... better. Just walking to a cafe, just being open and saying hello to others, looking them in the face, seeing them, actually seeing them instead of looking through them as I often used to do because I was afraid they were going to sneer or snub or ignore me.

Ok, it's my experience, and I don't know what yours is, and pinkeye, I am so so so sad for you that you feel no one cares. But I believe a lot of people may feel something like this too.

((pinkeye))

ShortE

 

Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger** » Shortelise

Posted by pinkeye on April 27, 2005, at 12:51:43

In reply to Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger** » pinkeye, posted by Shortelise on April 27, 2005, at 0:19:38

Thanks ShortE. I have been trying to make new friends for the past 2 years, ever since I started going to my ex T. But sometimes I still fall into the old patterns..

Thanks for pointing out that. What you have had to say is really beautiful. I have observed it myself too sometimes.

Thanks again.

 

Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger** » pinkeye

Posted by Shortelise on April 27, 2005, at 14:30:04

In reply to Re: Why would anyone like me? **Trigger** » Shortelise, posted by pinkeye on April 27, 2005, at 12:51:43

Sometimes I get tired of trying. Sometimes it's easier to just tred the old paths, let my minds fall into the well-worn patterns that take no thought, no effort. Painful but familiar. I don't know why I do it. But I do. It might be the same for others. I do reallly get this. Self- loathing is insidious, hard to throw off and so easy to project onto others. And I think too that we do that self - fulfilling prophecy thing where we choose people who will do to us what we expect them to do ... do you see what I mean?

Honestly, I haven't read what else has been written here - I am working and running, and stressed. Your subject line called to me and I had to talk with you about this. Pinkeye, I say this to you but also to myself, let's not do this, let's love ourselves, let's live well, let's let ourselves make healthy choices in our friends, be lonely for a while if that's what it takes. This is what we have. And I just don't believe that anyone is innately not likeable. I know I act like a twit sometimes, but that does not mean, can not mean, I am thoroughly dislikeable.

Ugh. I do find this so ... sad, awful, hard. I am again so sorry you are dealing with this. But get through it, face it, get it out there! Then buy a dress and go for a walk. Um are you a woman? It doesn't matter. If you aren't you could still buy a dress, but maybe not wear it on your walk unless you are really in the right mood.

SHortE


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