Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 485216

Shown: posts 7 to 31 of 38. Go back in thread:

 

Re: I told him and I'm sorry. Triggery I guess -sexual Ľ Dinah

Posted by annierose on April 16, 2005, at 22:40:21

In reply to I told him and I'm sorry. Triggery I guess -sexual, posted by Dinah on April 16, 2005, at 18:13:13

I don't have any new insights to add, just wanted to let you know that I would be confused by his comments as well. I agree that his response says a lot more about him, than you. Does he think you are trying to seduce him? Doesn't he know you well enough?

Maybe he thinks DEEP down you have a surpressed desire to rip off his .... naaah, can't go down that icky road!

Did you try to google psych conferences and came up empty? Maybe it's something tied into a University?

Also, when he seems surprised how clients think about their therapy, it makes me wonder, hasn't he been to therapy? I know my T has gone, it was a part of her training. So I imagine, rightly or wrongly that she knows all about the strong feelings clients feel for their Ts. My T is psychodynamic, so she encourages those feelings as well.

I like how you bring up all the nuances of the theraputic relationship in your sessions. Interesting stuff always follows. I'll need to do some of the same.

Enjoy what is left of the weekend. Thank you for sharing this difficult topic. I didn't mean to poke fun at the beginning.

-Annierose

 

Re: I told him and I'm sorry. Triggery I guess -sexual Ľ annierose

Posted by Dinah on April 16, 2005, at 23:59:44

In reply to Re: I told him and I'm sorry. Triggery I guess -sexual Ľ Dinah, posted by annierose on April 16, 2005, at 22:40:21

Naww, that's ok. Part of me wants to plain be amused by the whole thing because it was so far off base. While the other part wants to sit down and cry and scrub what he said away. It *is* sort of funny when you think about it. At least part of me thinks so.

I didn't come up with anything when I did every possible permutation of counseling, therapy, conference, dates, etc. Or at the local conference center of the city I'm pretty sure he mentioned, though I could be wrong about it. I think it's a university town, though.

I also vaguely remember it's his birthday sometime around now. So maybe it's one of those conferences that are only vaguely connected with his job as a therapist, which is what he said the training was for.

And actually, he did say training. hmmm.... Yes. So I may be thinking conference, but it might be something else. Yes. I'll bet that's it.

this ends this stream of consciousness post. stay tuned for future streams.

:)

 

Re: I told him and I'm sorry. Triggery I guess -sexual Ľ annierose

Posted by Dinah on April 17, 2005, at 0:03:54

In reply to Re: I told him and I'm sorry. Triggery I guess -sexual Ľ Dinah, posted by annierose on April 16, 2005, at 22:40:21

Ooh, I forgot. Yes, he has been to therapy. But I'm not sure what sort. I didn't get the impression it was long term. He's not psychoanalytically trained, so it wasn't part of his training.

Maybe he felt nothing but collegial.

He really is CBT oriented, you know. With more than a dash of pop psychology thrown in. He does mostly short term work at present, although he worked with a different population years ago.

 

Re: I told him and I'm sorry. Triggery I guess -sexual

Posted by gardenergirl on April 17, 2005, at 2:52:47

In reply to Re: I told him and I'm sorry. Triggery I guess -sexual Ľ Dinah, posted by fallsfall on April 16, 2005, at 20:02:33

> Amen
>
Double Amen

 

Re: I told him and I'm sorry. Triggery I guess -sexual Ľ Dinah

Posted by gardenergirl on April 17, 2005, at 2:55:41

In reply to Re: I told him and I'm sorry. Triggery I guess -sexual Ľ annierose, posted by Dinah on April 17, 2005, at 0:03:54

Dinah,
I think Falls asked a good question about why your T would equate your taking care of your Dad with something sexual.

But his reaction also reminded me of his reaction to dependence. There's stuff there coming from his own fears that has nothing to do with you.

Blech. I'm sorry that happened to you, especially regarding something so important to you.

gg

 

Re: I told him and I'm sorry. Triggery I guess -sexual Ľ Dinah

Posted by Tamar on April 18, 2005, at 4:29:44

In reply to I told him and I'm sorry. Triggery I guess -sexual, posted by Dinah on April 16, 2005, at 18:13:13

My two cents Ė surely if you have developed feelings toward him that depart from your usual view of him as your therapist/mommy, he should view it as a therapeutic opportunity? And if he suspects thereís a sexual element to it (even if there isnít), shouldnít he explore that possibility gently and sensitively, especially in view of your sexual circumstances?

Iím very surprised that his first reaction was to talk about clients who have sex with their therapists (rather than clients who desire their therapists sexually). Now, it seems to me you are one of the least likely people in the whole world to have sex with your therapist, which begs the question: why would that be the first thing he thought of? Maybe thatís what his conference or training thing is about... something to do with professional ethics?

No wonder he made you feel icky. Maybe heís afraid you find him icky and feels hurt by it? Iím sure youíre right Ė heís countertransferring all over you. If you can bear to call him on it, heíll have to explore his own feelings, though it sounds as if heís firmly in denial at the moment.

I hope it gets easier to deal with after his time away.

Tamar

 

Re: I told him and I'm sorry. Triggery I guess -sexual

Posted by cricket on April 18, 2005, at 7:51:06

In reply to Re: I told him and I'm sorry. Triggery I guess -sexual Ľ fallsfall, posted by Dinah on April 16, 2005, at 19:31:45


> I must be tapping into some well of fear of sexually predatory women, or g*d only knows what old pathology of his, that I've never accidentally tapped into before. But he didn't need to countertransfer all over me!!!
>
>
Hi Dinah,
I don't post much here, but your post reminded so much of a dream I had about my T that I wanted to respond.

First of all in non-dreaming life there are lots and lots of issues with my T. I've been seeing him for almost 3 years now and I still don't feel comfortable, still don't reveal much of anything to him and am ready to quit every week although for some reason the thought of quitting terrifies me but that's another story.

Anyway, in the dream, as opposed to real life, we did have a good session. I felt soothed and liked. As I stood up to leave, he held out his hand for me to shake (which he does in real life) but as I took it I leaned in to kiss him on the cheek (which I would never do in real life with him but I do live in a sort of kissy cheek culture where it means nothing but how are you? or thank you or take care - certainly nothing sexual)and I meant nothing sexual about it in the dream. But then in the dream my T jumps back and squeals like I just stuck a gun to his head.

I left mortified. But then when I woke up, I thought that's your issue you moron. "A fear of sexually predatory women" as you say, Dinah.

I know that this is no help at all. But know that your T isn't the only one who acts sexually terrified or whatever it is around a client.

From reading your posts though, it sounds like you will work it out with him. I am sure an apology is coming forthwith.

 

Re: I told him and I'm sorry. Triggery I guess -sexual Ľ gardenergirl

Posted by Dinah on April 18, 2005, at 10:06:15

In reply to Re: I told him and I'm sorry. Triggery I guess -sexual Ľ Dinah, posted by gardenergirl on April 17, 2005, at 2:55:41

It was seriously bad timing on my part to mention something I never meant to mention at all on a day when both of us had had a truly crummy week and I had intended to keep it light.

He was probably more likely than usual to react from himself rather than being fully present in the room.

No excuse.

I don't think he suspects anything sexual in my relationship with my father. There was a definite blurring of the roles of wife and daughter, but not in a sexual sense. Never in a sexual sense. Just in that weird triangular way. You know. When I was little, I was aligned with my mother against my father. When I got older, I aligned with my father against my mother. They were incapable of aligning together and I guess the triangle brought some stability.

But it was never sexual. There was more sexuality between my mother and me. Not in that she abused me, but in that she confided inappropriately in me. Shudder, shudder. In fact we've sort of figured that my intense revulsion and refusal to begin to grow into a "woman" probably has its roots there.

But never with Daddy. He was safe.

 

Re: I told him and I'm sorry. Triggery I guess -sexual Ľ Tamar

Posted by Dinah on April 18, 2005, at 10:12:05

In reply to Re: I told him and I'm sorry. Triggery I guess -sexual Ľ Dinah, posted by Tamar on April 18, 2005, at 4:29:44

His entire reaction felt defensive rather than contemplative. Overall, I'm not sure he was thinking anything about me whatsoever other than an "Oh no you don't!"

And G*d only knows, the me I bring to therapy is not only pre-puberty, and refuses to grow up, but even if he's confused by the body in front of him... Well, it's plain to the point of ugly (I could be my mother thirty years ago. Seriously. The photos of her could be me if it weren't for the clothes.), overweight, and never makes any effort to appear attractive to him. Certainly no real threat to him, no matter how lusty he is. Of course I prefer to think he's not lusty at all, but rather a eunuch. But his reaction didn't feel like the reaction of a eunuch. A eunuch wouldn't feel defensive. Ewww. Ick.

 

Re: I told him and I'm sorry. Triggery I guess -sexual Ľ cricket

Posted by Dinah on April 18, 2005, at 10:17:42

In reply to Re: I told him and I'm sorry. Triggery I guess -sexual, posted by cricket on April 18, 2005, at 7:51:06

Your reaction to your therapist sounds a lot like mine for the first five years of my therapy. I'd love to talk to you more about it.

I'm growing a bit convinced that it wasn't so much that he saw me as attempting to sexually attack him that distresses me exactly. Because the idea is so frankly ludicrous that I assume he'll think about it and realize that. It's more that it means that he is "seeing" me as a w... No I can't say that. As a sexual being. He's not supposed to do that. It's wrong. It reminds me of the time when I got close to hitting puberty and Daddy made me quit sitting on his lap to watch TV. My therapist thinks that was a terrific fatherly thing for him to have done. But I'm left with the dirty feeling that it meant that for whatever brief moment of time, Daddy noticed me as something other than his little girl, and that still makes me feel gross.

I hope this time I'm able to stop feeling gross about it, rather than have it still lingering thirty or so years later.

 

Re: I told him and I'm sorry. Triggery I guess -sexual Ľ Dinah

Posted by Tamar on April 18, 2005, at 11:22:59

In reply to Re: I told him and I'm sorry. Triggery I guess -sexual Ľ Tamar, posted by Dinah on April 18, 2005, at 10:12:05

> His entire reaction felt defensive rather than contemplative. Overall, I'm not sure he was thinking anything about me whatsoever other than an "Oh no you don't!"

Yeah but see, thatís what I canít understand about his reaction. If he thought you were experiencing any kind of erotic transference, surely he should see it as an interesting development and something to be explored therapeutically. Why should he feel in any way threatened? Surely he knows you well enough to understand immediately that youíre not going to try to do anything inappropriate.

> And G*d only knows, the me I bring to therapy is not only pre-puberty, and refuses to grow up, but even if he's confused by the body in front of him... Well, it's plain to the point of ugly (I could be my mother thirty years ago. Seriously. The photos of her could be me if it weren't for the clothes.), overweight, and never makes any effort to appear attractive to him. Certainly no real threat to him, no matter how lusty he is. Of course I prefer to think he's not lusty at all, but rather a eunuch. But his reaction didn't feel like the reaction of a eunuch. A eunuch wouldn't feel defensive. Ewww. Ick.

I find it very difficult to imagine you as Ďplain to the point of uglyí. Are you underrating yourself? Being overweight doesnít actually make women unattractive to men. If you are no threat to him, perhaps itís because of your maternal transference and your moral outlook rather than because of your appearance, Iím guessing.

It sounds to me as if the two aspects of the issue have become intertwined and thatís whatís getting you feeling icked out. Perhaps heís attributed a sexual component to your feelings and doesnít entirely believe you when you say itís not there, while, at the same time, he recognises you feel a desire to take care of him and needs to tell you that his feelings arenít your responsibility.

Also, do you think itís possible that you might be reacting to the sexual inference partly because you feel hurt by his rejection of your (nonsexual) desire to care for him?

Either way, I think he could have handled it better.

 

Re: I told him and I'm sorry. }} Dinah

Posted by cricket on April 18, 2005, at 12:31:42

In reply to Re: I told him and I'm sorry. Triggery I guess -sexual Ľ cricket, posted by Dinah on April 18, 2005, at 10:17:42

Thanks Dinah. I've love to talk to you about it too. Right now, I am just in such pain about this relationship (if you could even call it that) that half of the session I sit in silence praying for it to get better.

Also, like you it's not a sexual transference (although I guess I do find my T sexually attractive - but not when I am there with him) sex is the last thing I want from him. So it's maternal, paternal, gosh knows what.

I know that you have somehow seen it through to the other side even if you still do have your ups and downs.

Also, like you, I am terrified that my T will someday find his way to this site so I am very careful not to say anything that he would recognize and am therefore very limited in my postings here. I really don't know where all you babblers get the courage to actual print posts for their Ts.

Do you know how to work babble e-mail?

 

Re: I told him and I'm sorry. Triggery I guess -sexual

Posted by Miss Honeychurch on April 18, 2005, at 12:52:35

In reply to I told him and I'm sorry. Triggery I guess -sexual, posted by Dinah on April 16, 2005, at 18:13:13

Dinah,

This sounds so CLEARLY about him. Like he is interpreting a lot into your statement and even adding onto it. I would be very interested in knowing what exactly he thinks you plan on doing. Does he think you have a plan to seduce him now? Does he think you seduced your father??? Perhaps you should start rubbing his neck at the end of sessions and see how he reacts!

Why would he sexualize this? It sounds as if he immediately sexualized it, as if it were a forgone conclusion. It sounds as if he has always believed your relationship with your father was somehow sexual. This came out of right field, right?

The phone tagging sounds wierd too, from what I know about your therapist. I think our Ts are similar in a lot of ways (although mine drives a Dodge!) and that includes boundaries. Your T doesn't seem the type to call back, right? That is not his usual MO, right? So that seems very out of the ordinary.

Wish I could offer you some words of wisdom though. But it really seems like this reaction is all about him and his issues and nothing to do with you.

 

Re: I told him and I'm sorry. Triggery I guess -sexual Ľ Dinah

Posted by gardenergirl on April 18, 2005, at 23:44:55

In reply to Re: I told him and I'm sorry. Triggery I guess -sexual Ľ gardenergirl, posted by Dinah on April 18, 2005, at 10:06:15

Certainly sounds like it was his anxiety/issue.

What's up with that these last few days? Are the "T stars" in a weird alignment?

gg

 

Re: I told him and I'm sorry. Triggery I guess -sexual Ľ gardenergirl

Posted by annierose on April 19, 2005, at 6:22:27

In reply to Re: I told him and I'm sorry. Triggery I guess -sexual Ľ Dinah, posted by gardenergirl on April 18, 2005, at 23:44:55

Maybe it's the Spring time weather ... a time for growth and change?!@#! or it could be too much pollen in the air clogging up the pathways to their thinking-side of their brains.

 

Re: I told him and I'm sorry. Triggery I guess -sexual

Posted by Dinah on April 19, 2005, at 10:44:31

In reply to Re: I told him and I'm sorry. Triggery I guess -sexual Ľ gardenergirl, posted by annierose on April 19, 2005, at 6:22:27

Actually, I'm thinking about it. All together. There was the tenth anniversary and I brought him a gift for the first time. He might be tying that into the desire to take care of him.

It shouldn't be. I've been thinking about the tenth anniversary gift since at least the ninth anniversary, maybe the eighth.

And the symbolism of that gift was anything but sexual. Everything was mother/child or pup/nursing mother. And I don't know about anyone but me of course, but as a female I don't find the milky breast much of a turn on in a man.

You know, he's sort of funny as a therapist. Many times he's so careful before he speaks that I long for him to talk a bit more spontaneously. But other times he reacts very defensively and without thinking at all.

I imagine he'll have pulled himself together by next time. I can't imagine he won't have.

But I think it's going to take a very long time if ever for the fact that he put me and sex together for even the briefest time, and even in a negative sense. It is just so inappropriate given the nature of our relationship and my feelings for him. I don't think I'd have been much more upset if it had been my legal parents doing that, because he's my emotional parent every bit as much as they were, if not more.

 

Re: I told him and I'm sorry. Triggery I guess -sexual

Posted by Dinah on April 19, 2005, at 10:49:49

In reply to Re: I told him and I'm sorry. Triggery I guess -sexual Ľ Dinah, posted by Tamar on April 18, 2005, at 11:22:59

> Yeah but see, thatís what I canít understand about his reaction. If he thought you were experiencing any kind of erotic transference, surely he should see it as an interesting development and something to be explored therapeutically.

I don't think he was thinking at all.

> Why should he feel in any way threatened? Surely he knows you well enough to understand immediately that youíre not going to try to do anything inappropriate.
>
If he doesn't by now, we don't have as good a therapeutic relationship as I had supposed.

> I find it very difficult to imagine you as Ďplain to the point of uglyí. Are you underrating yourself? Being overweight doesnít actually make women unattractive to men. If you are no threat to him, perhaps itís because of your maternal transference and your moral outlook rather than because of your appearance, Iím guessing.
>
Well, I am. But that's not really important. The only part that really distresses me is that I look like my mother. Other than that, I'm not sure I dislike it.

> It sounds to me as if the two aspects of the issue have become intertwined and thatís whatís getting you feeling icked out. Perhaps heís attributed a sexual component to your feelings and doesnít entirely believe you when you say itís not there, while, at the same time, he recognises you feel a desire to take care of him and needs to tell you that his feelings arenít your responsibility.

I think that's definitely true. I'm having trouble sorting one out from the other, and maybe he is too.
>
> Also, do you think itís possible that you might be reacting to the sexual inference partly because you feel hurt by his rejection of your (nonsexual) desire to care for him?
>
Absolutely. I told him at the time, in a very calm and noncritical way, but more as a reflection, that it hurt to have my care rejected.

> Either way, I think he could have handled it better.
>
>
Undoubtedly. I just hope it doesn't have lasting repercussions.

 

Above for (nm) Ľ Tamar

Posted by Dinah on April 19, 2005, at 10:50:22

In reply to Re: I told him and I'm sorry. Triggery I guess -sexual Ľ Dinah, posted by Tamar on April 18, 2005, at 11:22:59

 

Re: I told him and I'm sorry. }} Dinah Ľ cricket

Posted by Dinah on April 19, 2005, at 10:54:02

In reply to Re: I told him and I'm sorry. }} Dinah, posted by cricket on April 18, 2005, at 12:31:42

I can say from the other side that it does get better.

I bring my therapists posts from here all the time, but I don't want him reading here because I've said some pretty negative things about him. Probably nothing I haven't said to his face, but in a different way. And I'd lose a safe place to write about confusing therapy if he were to read here.

He's promised not to read, and I believe him.

You can turn "babblemail" on by reregistering. You go to register and you have the option of changing your registration. You leave everything else the same but switch the babblemail option on. You know if it's working if your name in the "Posted By" line of your post is underlined.

 

Re: I told him and I'm sorry. Triggery I guess -sexual Ľ Miss Honeychurch

Posted by Dinah on April 19, 2005, at 10:55:41

In reply to Re: I told him and I'm sorry. Triggery I guess -sexual, posted by Miss Honeychurch on April 18, 2005, at 12:52:35

I'm a bit interested myself in seeing how this goes. But even if it was a one day bout of insanity, it's brought an ugly element into the room. And the way I feel now, I'm not sure I can remove it.

 

Tomorrow's the day - unless he cancels

Posted by Dinah on April 23, 2005, at 21:16:58

In reply to I told him and I'm sorry. Triggery I guess -sexual, posted by Dinah on April 16, 2005, at 18:13:13

Or unless I do. The darn diverticulitis is flaring up at irregular times and I can't go if it's really acting up.

I'm really nervous about it.

I think I tend towards not mentioning it. There's plenty else to talk about.

It's also entered my head that he's responding negatively because of that thing I said I'd never tell him but did anyway. Shame entering the picture.

Oh well. I guess I'll just go and try to avoid the topic. I'm not feeling up to a fight.

 

Re: Tomorrow's the day - unless he cancels Ľ Dinah

Posted by annierose on April 23, 2005, at 21:53:29

In reply to Tomorrow's the day - unless he cancels, posted by Dinah on April 23, 2005, at 21:16:58

Good Luck, I hope you have a good bonding session.
If will feel good to reconnect after him being away for the week.

If you don't bring it up, will he?

Sometimes, but not very often, my T will bring up issues to discuss (especially if I seem so keen on avoiding them :)

 

Re: Tomorrow's the day - unless he cancels Ľ annierose

Posted by Dinah on April 23, 2005, at 21:57:50

In reply to Re: Tomorrow's the day - unless he cancels Ľ Dinah, posted by annierose on April 23, 2005, at 21:53:29

I expect he will. :( Unless he wants to avoid the topic as much as I do.

But I mentioned it in the two phone calls I made to him this week, neither of which he returned because I told him he didn't need to (unless he wanted to on the second call). Once to touch base, the other time to offer to cancel tomorrow because I could wait till Tuesday.

I can't imagine he'll let it lie, but we'll see - and hope for the best.

 

Re: Tomorrow's the day - unless he cancels

Posted by Dinah on April 23, 2005, at 21:59:50

In reply to Re: Tomorrow's the day - unless he cancels Ľ annierose, posted by Dinah on April 23, 2005, at 21:57:50

I'm afraid things will change.

I don't want things to change.

I wish I could turn back time.

 

Re: I told him and I'm sorry. Triggery I guess -sexual Ľ Dinah

Posted by fallsfall on April 23, 2005, at 22:18:59

In reply to I told him and I'm sorry. Triggery I guess -sexual, posted by Dinah on April 16, 2005, at 18:13:13

Being open and honest is important in therapy. You were open and honest the last time you saw him. Be open and honest tomorrow. That is how you learn about yourself. I know it is hard to do that, but I really hope that you will try.

Waving my P*m-P*ms
Falls


Go forward in thread:


Show another thread

URL of post in thread:


Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ


[dr. bob] Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD, bob@dr-bob.org

Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.