Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 484356

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Re: Anybody afraid of growing up?

Posted by PM80 on April 15, 2005, at 7:50:45

In reply to Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? pinkeye, posted by messadivoce on April 15, 2005, at 1:38:59

You are definitely not alone, but it isn't me right now. I'm not afraid of growing up - to me it feels like breaking all the shackles that tie me down. My therapist has helped me with "boundary" issues - acting grownup and adult-to-adult with both my friends and family. It means that I do not have to please everyone. I can do my own thing and that is okay. Everyone can just deal with it - they're all big girls and boys too. I don't have to try to make everything better and be a constant mediator for everyone. I can breathe.

 

Re: Anybody afraid of growing up?

Posted by sunny10 on April 15, 2005, at 8:05:50

In reply to Re: Anybody afraid of growing up?, posted by PM80 on April 15, 2005, at 7:50:45

I'm afraid I never will, but want to.... does that count?

 

Re: Anybody afraid of growing up?

Posted by happyflower on April 15, 2005, at 10:29:30

In reply to Anybody afraid of growing up?, posted by pinkeye on April 14, 2005, at 19:59:10

I was forced to grow up very early in my life. My parents were not taking care of my basic needs. In high school I paid for my car insurance, car payment, food, school activities, and basically everything except a roof over my head. I missed my teenager years, :( because I had to work 40 hours and go to school to survive. I had no choice to grow up.

 

Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? pinkeye

Posted by Shortelise on April 15, 2005, at 13:14:29

In reply to Anybody afraid of growing up?, posted by pinkeye on April 14, 2005, at 19:59:10

I think we go through different phases in therapy, and those phases serve the therapeutic process. We need at certain points to regress, but then we also need to come back to ourselves, to resume, or to assume, our mature selves. We mustn't get stuck in regressed places.

I guess we can be regressed without therapy, we can act in real life, like kids, younger than we are, act out all sorts of behaviors that are too young for our age.

There is a wonderful, wonderful book by Judith Viorst called "Necessary Losses". It is so clear about this subject. It helped me in ways that my T couldn't.

ShortE

 

Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? Daisym

Posted by pinkeye on April 15, 2005, at 13:38:55

In reply to Re: Anybody afraid of growing up?, posted by Daisym on April 14, 2005, at 20:49:58

Funny, sometimes she tells me too I am overly responsible also.. It gets me confused.

 

Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? 10derHeart

Posted by pinkeye on April 15, 2005, at 13:40:08

In reply to Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? pinkeye, posted by 10derHeart on April 14, 2005, at 21:54:41

She says I don't try to control things at all.

 

Re: me! me! me! right here! Dinah

Posted by pinkeye on April 15, 2005, at 13:40:56

In reply to me! me! me! right here!, posted by Dinah on April 14, 2005, at 22:41:10

I guess not.. if you are comfortable with it and it works for you. For me it doesn't work anymore. I keep trying to be my father's child (according to my new T) and that I am refusing to act like a grown woman.

 

Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? messadivoce

Posted by pinkeye on April 15, 2005, at 13:42:20

In reply to Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? pinkeye, posted by messadivoce on April 15, 2005, at 1:38:59

I guess my ex T also kind of made me feel like a grown woman. It felt really good. But then I am scared now. And somehow I feel people wont like me if I act like an adult woman. I am better off being a child

 

Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? PM80

Posted by pinkeye on April 15, 2005, at 13:43:35

In reply to Re: Anybody afraid of growing up?, posted by PM80 on April 15, 2005, at 7:50:45

Hmm.. I do that all the time.. Try to make things nicer for everyone around me.. Trying to fit both my father and my husband's expectations, and getting in the middle between them.. It is so conflicting and demanding. And they are both exactly opposte to each other in their views.. So I am alway playing the middle man

 

Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? sunny10

Posted by pinkeye on April 15, 2005, at 13:44:14

In reply to Re: Anybody afraid of growing up?, posted by sunny10 on April 15, 2005, at 8:05:50

sure does count :-). wanting is the first step.

 

Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? happyflower

Posted by pinkeye on April 15, 2005, at 13:44:49

In reply to Re: Anybody afraid of growing up?, posted by happyflower on April 15, 2005, at 10:29:30

that must have felt horrible isn't it?

 

Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? Shortelise

Posted by pinkeye on April 15, 2005, at 13:45:59

In reply to Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? pinkeye, posted by Shortelise on April 15, 2005, at 13:14:29

Thanks ShortE. I will try to read that book. Nowadays I am actually thinking of quitting therapy.. it seems to keep making me regressed all the time, and it actually seems to make things worse many times.

 

Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? katherpoo1

Posted by pinkeye on April 15, 2005, at 13:47:26

In reply to Re: Anybody afraid of growing up?, posted by katherpoo1 on April 14, 2005, at 23:04:05

> Dunno if it's just the way my T feels the way the conversation needs to be steered in order to hash through things... but I keep wanting to be a grown-up in there, and he keeps probing until I regress...
>
> LOL I was in feeling 26 (or wise beyond those 26 years!), and I leave feeling like I'm 6. Part of the process I guess. ;)

Yeah, she does that to me too.. I go in there feeling wise way beyond my age, and she makes me a child again. Guess it is for the good.

 

Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? pinkeye

Posted by PM80 on April 15, 2005, at 14:04:09

In reply to Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? PM80, posted by pinkeye on April 15, 2005, at 13:43:35

It is difficult not to do this, but sometimes it is better to let people make their own choices and live with them. You are naturally the mediator, but you may find that eventually there are some things that you can step outside of. It comes down to respecting and having enough trust in each person to let them work their own problems out. Obviously, you can't do this in all situations, but sometimes things get better when they are exposed a little. You are not responsible for others' actions. It is okay, healthly even, for you to acknowledge this in your own mind and in your actions.

Just my experience. And it definitely has helped me, just within myself.

 

Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? PM80

Posted by pinkeye on April 15, 2005, at 14:15:24

In reply to Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? pinkeye, posted by PM80 on April 15, 2005, at 14:04:09

It is so hard to do this when the two most important people in your life are dead against each other and have so conflicting views in everything.. And I am always forced to adjust to both of them, and I find it extremely difficult.. When I talk to my dad, he says things, which after sometime when I speak to my husband, my husband thinks exactly opposite of. And my husband gets really really mad at my father.. Even today, he kind of pulled my hair and hsook my head up because I was trying to not listen to what he is saying. And I was being very reasonable.. But my hsuband gets extremely angry at my father and calls him a dog etc . And I am so conflicted and confused. I love my dad very much and I am not able to take this.

 

Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? pinkeye

Posted by PM80 on April 15, 2005, at 15:07:04

In reply to Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? PM80, posted by pinkeye on April 15, 2005, at 14:15:24

I'm sorry. That does suck. Both your father and your husband are adults. You do not have to be in the middle or make them like each other. Have you brought this up in therapy? I have a feeling that there is so much more here than meets the eye. What is healthy response for you that you can live with might be a good place to start, i guess, depending on your therapy style. You are entitled to the right to take care of yourself and your needs.

Your husband does not have the right to grab your hair and shake your head - you are a wonderful person, not his slave or his puppet. Anger is not an excuse. You probably are already aware of this, but you may feel truly stuck or may feel that the problem is not that big of a deal. OK, it's your life and only you know the facts and can make the right decisions for you. BUT if you ever do need help, please don't ever feel bad doing whatever you need to do.

 

Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? PM80

Posted by pinkeye on April 15, 2005, at 15:54:29

In reply to Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? pinkeye, posted by PM80 on April 15, 2005, at 15:07:04

It really feels bad. I am so mad at him.
But he is an overall good guy that is why I try to put up with him. But it so hard for me.

 

Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? pinkeye

Posted by Tamar on April 15, 2005, at 16:36:18

In reply to Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? PM80, posted by pinkeye on April 15, 2005, at 15:54:29

Oh pinkeye, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation caught between your father and your husband. That sounds terribly difficult. And no matter how difficult your relationship with your father has been, you don't want to hear anyone call him a dog.

Has your husband physically hurt you before? Or was this the first time?

I remember you said you were coming to like your husband more in recent months, and that you hadn't liked him so much before. And I know you're trying to make a decision about your future with him. I hope you will talk about this physical attack with your therapist, because I'm very worried for you.

I wish you peace.

Tamar

 

Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? Tamar

Posted by pinkeye on April 15, 2005, at 16:58:26

In reply to Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? pinkeye, posted by Tamar on April 15, 2005, at 16:36:18

Thanks Tamar.
I am too tired to think today. My husand has been physically violent several times before. But he had kind of stopped all that for a long time.

The thing is, I try to be very very reasonable with him.. atleast for the past 2 years I have been trying to be very controlled and affectionate.. But it is never enought for him I feel. Basically we are just not suited for each other maybe. OR maybe I am jsut so pessimistic and somehow keep getting all the negative things in my life. Somehow I feel it is all my fault.

 

Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? pinkeye

Posted by PM80 on April 15, 2005, at 18:04:56

In reply to Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? Tamar, posted by pinkeye on April 15, 2005, at 16:58:26

I had a relationship with someone who made me feel like you just described. He was a narcisist completely unable to empathize with me. I'm SO glad he is not in my life now. Maybe our situations are different, but it sounds like nothing you do will ever be good enough for him. If everything is "Whoa is me" with him, and somehow nothing is ever his fault, then he is a narcisist.

 

Re: Anybody afraid of growing up?

Posted by Poet on April 15, 2005, at 21:46:23

In reply to Anybody afraid of growing up?, posted by pinkeye on April 14, 2005, at 19:59:10

Hi pinkeye,

I get the opposite- mine keeps telling me that I can't control everything.

Poet

 

Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? pinkeye

Posted by Dinah on April 15, 2005, at 22:32:03

In reply to Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? Tamar, posted by pinkeye on April 15, 2005, at 16:58:26

I don't think it's *you* who needs to grow up. Physical violence is not ok, is never ok, once you're past age two or three. Basically good guys aren't physically violent towards those they love.

I'm sorry if I'm being blunt, but I feel strongly at this issue. Look at yourself in the mirror, Pinkeye. You deserve better. You are a human being, and human beings deserve to have their persons respected.

My mother pulled my hair when I was 13 or 14. When she came home, I was ready with my hairbrush full of hair complete with roots. I looked her in the eye and told her she was never going to do that again, then I walked away. And she never did.

I deserved better, no matter what I did, or how I annoyed her. I deserved better because no one deserves to have physical violence perpetrated on them.

Look in the mirror, Pinkeye. Look at the human being who deserves better.

 

Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? Shortelise

Posted by 10derHeart on April 15, 2005, at 23:08:45

In reply to Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? pinkeye, posted by Shortelise on April 15, 2005, at 13:14:29

ShortE,

Thanks a lot for this link! I checked it out, looks like I will want this one. She has others, as well, that look promising.

 

Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? pinkeye

Posted by thewrite1 on April 17, 2005, at 13:45:50

In reply to Anybody afraid of growing up?, posted by pinkeye on April 14, 2005, at 19:59:10

My T would probably say that to me if she were ever so straight forward about her thoughts. It's not even so much that for me. It's not that I refuse to grow up. I just have trouble accepting that I am and have been a lot longer than most. Aside from having a roof over my head, I've pretty much been on my own since I was 9. Now I just kind of feel like I've done this long enough. Can't someone else take care of me now?

 

Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? PM80

Posted by pinkeye on April 18, 2005, at 14:12:14

In reply to Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? pinkeye, posted by PM80 on April 15, 2005, at 18:04:56

Thanks PM80.. My husband is actually a pretty nice guy.. I don't think he is a narcist.. ( I actually don't know what that term means too much).


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