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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LauraG on April 13, 2005, at 22:30:03
Hi everyone! I haven't posted much or for quite a while. I need some advice. Last week we had to put our precious cocker spaniel to sleep as her cancer had progressed. I am devastated. I called my T (who convinced me a year ago to join a therapy group she was starting) and told her I wasn't coming to group b/c we had put the dog to sleep the day before. She had previously been very understanding, supportive, and comforting when I talked in individual sessions about my dog having cancer. I thought she'd be supportive of my staying home to grieve.
Generally in this group we are allowed to miss two sessions without having to pay, but they have to be "legitimate" reasons. I was so sure this was legitimate! Apparently, I was wrong. Even though I had seen her this week for individual session and she never said anything then, my T felt that I should have come to group the day after I put my dog to sleep so I could cry in front of everyone. Okay, intimacy as far as sharing feelings is one of my issues, I don't do it very well. But COME ON! I was ready to talk about it in group today! I'm sure I would have cried, I've been crying everyday! But to penalize me by making me pay for missing last week? Could she be any more cold and heartless? And I wonder if it's b/c I told her I appreciated what she said before we put the dog to sleep, that it was comforting.
She commented that this is how she makes her living. So why am I suddenly responsible for HER bottom line?! I have not missed ONE group session in that past year. That was thrown in my face too. Why did I not miss? Was I trying to accumulate "points" in case I needed them to get out of paying if I missed for a not really legit. reason? That really made me mad!
Am I wrong? I can see her point about avoiding showing my strongest feelings to others, but to punish me for wanting to grieve for my dog who has been my only child for almost 8 years? And to accuse me of trying to gain favor or something by showing up to all the past sessions? I feel like why am I even bothering with her, she seems to not really know me at all after 3 years! I feel like calling and quitting both group and individual! I'm just SO mad at her! (Oh yeah, and she suggested that maybe it is easier for me to be mad at her than to deal with my feelings about my dog. I've been crying for a week! Everyday!)
I'm looking forward to reading any thoughts anyone has good or bad. I just can't figure out exactly what the heck she's thinking!
Thanks in advance!!!
Posted by LadyBug on April 13, 2005, at 23:01:50
In reply to Help, need advice from you guys!!, posted by LauraG on April 13, 2005, at 22:30:03
I have to agree with you on this one. I had to put my 15 year old dog down a few months ago. I cried my eyes out all that day and grieved for days after. I still miss him so much. I think she was so wrong to make you pay for the group session you missed for this. My T would NEVER do that to me. I've had last min. things come up with my kids that made it impossible for me to leave them and she never charged me. She knows that in real life THINGS ARE GOING TO COME UP!!! I'd feel just like you do about wanting to quit but then my question would be, would I be better off without her or with her. To me your dog comes in first place. True out beloved pets have to pass from this life and we have to go on. It is like losing a child in a lot of ways. Though I don't think as hard over all.
I wish you the best to make your decision. Maybe it would be best to make your decision when you have calmed down a bit. I have a tendancy to get mad at my T once in a while and tell her I'm not coming back. After a few days or a few weeks at the most I realize I need her and I get pissed off at myself for being needy. It's hard to understand.
Let me know what you decide to do. I think you had every right to miss group!!!!!! AND she had no right to make you pay. MONEY is a touchy subject. Like we rent a friend in therapy. It feels that way at times.Lu
Posted by LauraG on April 14, 2005, at 8:53:48
In reply to Re: Help, need advice from you guys!!, posted by LadyBug on April 13, 2005, at 23:01:50
Thanks LadyBug. It amazes me too that she was not very understanding or supportive. You are the 3rd person who agrees that she shouldn't charge me. Well, the 4th I guess if you count the only other woman who was at group yesterday. She never said out loud that I had a legitimate reason for missing, but she did say she thought the T should "bend" a little.
There was another thing I forgot to tell my T. I'm now 6 and a half months pregnant (she knows that). The day we decided to take our dog to the vet I was having cramps from the stress and grief. I called my OB and told them the situation and the nurse said I should "take it easy and not let anything become regular" like contractions. So in effect, I had a "doctor's note" that I should be resting. Now, if I tell my T that and she changes her mind (which I doubt) then I'll be even more angry! But I guess we'll see.
Posted by pegasus on April 14, 2005, at 9:24:36
In reply to Help, need advice from you guys!!, posted by LauraG on April 13, 2005, at 22:30:03
Yeah, that doesn't seem right to me either. It's like losing a family member. Well, it actually is losing a family member! Would she have expected you to come if you'd lost a child? Maybe so . . . but that seems pretty extreme to me. I'd be interested to hear her rationale, when things calm down a bit.
And that's another thing. This shouldn't be about her making a living. It should be about whaet's best for your therapy. I mean, yes, of course, this *is* how she makes her living, but that doesn't mean that she can charge you when things like this come up. Presumably you've paid her plenty in the past, and will pay more in the future. If she is helpful to you, that is. I mean, you're paying her to consider your therapeutic best interests, not just to support her life or whatever. It's supposed to be about you.
good luck with this. I don't blame you at all for being upset.
pegasus
Posted by sunny10 on April 14, 2005, at 10:36:36
In reply to Re: Help, need advice from you guys!!, posted by pegasus on April 14, 2005, at 9:24:36
maybe she sees this as a relapse toward a tendency to isolate when things are bad and doesn't want to reward you for it. You hired her to help you change.
Maybe the "justified absences" are for purely physical circumstances- breaking a leg, having to go to a doctor's appointment which could not be scheduled at any other time, stuff like that.
That being said, I am truly sorry for your loss. I have been going through a rough patch lately and if it weren't for the support, attention, and purrs from my cat, I wouldn't feel a moment of peace. I love my pet like a child, too. I know you must be hurting dreadfully.
((((((((((LauraG))))))))))))))))))))
thinking of you,
sunny10
Posted by PM80 on April 15, 2005, at 7:39:17
In reply to Help, need advice from you guys!!, posted by LauraG on April 13, 2005, at 22:30:03
It sounds like your T has some issues of her own here. To me, this kinda has two parts. Given that she already knew how important your dog was to you since you had discussed it in individual sessions, this probably should have been considered a reason to miss - if not, it should have been made clear to you when you first told her that you were not going to attend. It is possible that it was an honest miscommunication on both parts - did she lay out what were and what were not exceptable excuses? Maybe she thought she was clear and you genuinely misunderstood what she said. Second, and this would be a MUCH bigger deal to me, why would she think you were trying to save up brownie points for a later excuse? That doesn't even make sense. Either she herself is a very manipulative person so she assumes that you (and everyone else in the world) are, or, well, she has some baggage or something. It just struck me as weird and NOT at all a theraputically healthy idea from your T. Why would she assume the worst of your behavior? If this part bothers you as much as it would me, I would definitely bring this part up and tell her how it made you felt - leaving the whole money thing completely out of it.
Sorry you had this experience; it does suck.
Posted by thewrite1 on April 17, 2005, at 13:37:07
In reply to Help, need advice from you guys!!, posted by LauraG on April 13, 2005, at 22:30:03
I think that's bs. I also would have flipped out if my T said anything about "how she makes her living" during such a difficult time for me.
I would ask her if it would have been okay if you missed because a family member died or if you were entitled to grieve in private before putting it on display.
I don't know how attached you are to your T, but I would pay her for the missed session and then quit and find a T that would care more about doing her job than her bottom line.
This is the end of the thread.
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