Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 482015

Shown: posts 1 to 25 of 26. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

i don't belong....(careful, possible *t*)

Posted by shrinking violet on April 9, 2005, at 12:49:05

...anywhere. I don't belong in the world at all, as if it's cosmically *wrong* for me to exist.

And I'm tired. I'm tired of being conscious. I just want to sleep all the time. But the problem with sleep is that, invariably, I wake up. I don't want to wake up.

I don't understand the Point of Life. Is there one? Why do we go to sleep, get up, go to work, come home, go to sleep, etc, day after day after day? And then one day BAM something happens to wipe it all away. I don't understand why I'm supposed to "enjoy life." What does that mean? Or maybe I'm just meant to live in pain.

I've felt this way all of my life, at various times and at various intensities. During the past couple of years with my T, I've fought strong urges to "end it all" because I knew she would be held responsible. Now, though, in another week or two, that won't be an issue. And I'll have to face losing the one person who showed me any sort of respect or caring, and live with the guilt of treating her so horribly.....

I don't know if I can go on after that.
I'm tired...
...and I want to be done.

I'm sorry this is so depressing. I hope I didn't upset anyone. Please delete or move this post if it is at all inappropriate...

sv

 

Re: i don't belong....(careful, possible *t*)

Posted by happyflower on April 9, 2005, at 13:50:42

In reply to i don't belong....(careful, possible *t*), posted by shrinking violet on April 9, 2005, at 12:49:05

((((((((Shrinking violet))))))))))))))))))))
You DO belong in this world. You help comfort so many people on this message forum. We need you, my fellow flower girl!
We all get overwhelmed from time to time. I am glad you are reaching out to us! But if it truely really bad, you need to call your T right away. Please call her anyways, she will still be there to help you. I am really worried about you, please let us know you are okay.

 

Re: i don't belong....(careful, possible *t*) » shrinking violet

Posted by Tamar on April 9, 2005, at 14:56:46

In reply to i don't belong....(careful, possible *t*), posted by shrinking violet on April 9, 2005, at 12:49:05

Hello SV,

You sound very depressed. When are you seeing your T? Have you ever told her about your feelings of wanting to end it all?

We all care very much about you here. We think the cosmos needs you. So please take care of yourself. Take it one moment at a time, every minute, every hour.

(((((SV)))))

I hope you start to feel better soon.

Tamar


 

Re: i don't belong....(careful, possible *t*) » shrinking violet

Posted by Poet on April 9, 2005, at 18:06:00

In reply to i don't belong....(careful, possible *t*), posted by shrinking violet on April 9, 2005, at 12:49:05

(((((((((((SV)))))))))))))))

I think the Point of Life is different for everyone. I tell myself that the only way I will ever be happy is have the perfect job. I go on job interviews and then beat myself up when I don't get "the" job. The one that would give me self esteem, wipe out all the bad stuff I've done, had done to me and would make me a happy, happy girl.

Obviously I don't know my true Point of Life. Maybe some people know it right away, you know, the people who are happy with their lives the way they are. The rare ones who don't yen for something that they know they won't get, don't base all their self worth on having it. I know very few people like that, I'm sad to say.

But you know, the people who are struggling to find their purpose in life are the people I like to be around. I can identify with them.

I can also identify with your feeling that you don't belong. SV, you may not feel you belong anywhere in the world, but you do have a place here on babble. You've helped me and others.

I wish I could ease your pain in losing your therapist. I have no answers or ideas, but it has made me realize how lucky I am to have a therapist who can stick it out with me for the long haul. I hope that didn't hurt, I am trying to tell you that your therapy experience is valuable to me in getting through therapy. See, you have a place in the little world of babble and you didn't even know it.

Sleep as long as you need to, may your dreams be of your true point in life. But please wake up, so you can share your dreams with us.

Please email me if you need to. I'll try to check it often in the next few days. Though I tend to drink myself silly on weekends. Bad habit, bad way to cope, but I'm not ready to tackle it.

((((((((((((((((((((((SV)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Poet

 

Re: i don't belong....(careful, possible *t*) » shrinking violet

Posted by mair on April 9, 2005, at 18:29:46

In reply to i don't belong....(careful, possible *t*), posted by shrinking violet on April 9, 2005, at 12:49:05

(((((sv)))))

I went back over the last couple of months of posts to get a better sense of how this has been building up. I feel so badly for you - I think you wanted to end your time with this T in a good way and everything has gone wrong and you just haven't been able to fix it. And from the sounds of it, your T is just as frustrated as you are, because she probably wanted things to end in a nice way too. I'm sure she feels very inadequate; unfortunately it sounds as if she's given up which is her failing not yours.

I don't think any of us knows what our purpose is; we're just here and as imperfect as we are, we try to make some use of the time we have. Everyone belongs because our differences are so great. We go through periods, as you are now, when we feel less intune with our surroundings and less comfortable in our own skins but this is not how it's always been for you and it is not how it will always be. You have to try to hold onto that reality.

And of course the reality that PB would be so diminished by your absence.

mair

 

.......... *t* (and SI *t* )

Posted by shrinking violet on April 9, 2005, at 18:38:47

In reply to Re: i don't belong....(careful, possible *t*) » shrinking violet, posted by mair on April 9, 2005, at 18:29:46

i have no words to even give this a proper subject.

thank you for your responses. i don't deserve them, i don't deserve people trying to keep me here, anywhere.

i don't want to cry anymore, but i can't stop either. i wish my t were here, so she could see how sorry i am, how much this hurts me.

i tried cutting again just now....i haven't done it in a while, and even then only when i started T. but i needed to do it. i always sort of find it fascinating, later, to analyze where i decided to cut, b/c i go mostly by instinct and not rational thought when i choose a place. this time, i did it on my chest, just over my heart. it hurts, it's bleeding, it stings, and i can feel the pile of tissue against it. it's somewhat comforting, in an inexplicable way.

i'm sorry.....i'm not being of much use to anyone. and i hope i dont trigger or upset anyone by my selfishness.

If there is a God, please....don't let me wake up tomorrow.

 

Re: i don't belong....(careful, possible *t*) » shrinking violet

Posted by Shortelise on April 9, 2005, at 18:42:38

In reply to i don't belong....(careful, possible *t*), posted by shrinking violet on April 9, 2005, at 12:49:05

Violet, I am so so sorry you are feeling this badly.

Better minds than mine have tried to answer the question you ask, but I agree with Poet that we each have our own answer.

About treating yout T horribly, I not sure about that. We go into therapy because we have things we need to work through, and some of those things are kind of ugly. Our therapists urge us to regress, to project feelings onto them, to use therapy as the arena in which to play out our feelings. You really could let go of your guilt about doing this. I did everything except shout at mine that he's a short intellectual who looks like Woody Allen and needs a hair piece.

Violet, lovely sweet scented flower, the point may be in trying to *find* the point. Or there may be no point.

I don't think happiness exists. I think there are moments of happiness, moments of bliss if we're lucky, and preiods of contentment. I think there are quiet times, and hard times, and sad times, and good times. There are times that the thing I enjoy most is my coffee in the morning, and I go to bed early just so I am that much closer to drinking it.

Enjoying life? To me that just means that when those little joys, like the morning coffee, or the first violets of the year, or the two year old in my garden yanking flowers for her mother, fall into my path, I see them and I think, hey, there's one o' them there joys.

That said, when I am sad, the joys can feel like sorrows.

I know you have to end therapy with this therapist, but - and please forgive me - I can't remember why. Would you feel like telling me?

(((Shrinkingviolet)))

ShortE

 

^^ i wish we could edit/delete posts....i'm sorry. (nm)

Posted by shrinking violet on April 9, 2005, at 18:43:11

In reply to i don't belong....(careful, possible *t*), posted by shrinking violet on April 9, 2005, at 12:49:05

 

Re: .......... *t* (and SI *t* ) » shrinking violet

Posted by mair on April 9, 2005, at 18:51:04

In reply to .......... *t* (and SI *t* ), posted by shrinking violet on April 9, 2005, at 18:38:47

Who are you trying to punish? You or your T? You need to accept that you're worth taking care of and she may not be. You both may have had a hand in what's happened but it sounds to me that her capacity to help you work though it was just limited. It doesn't make her a hurtful person and you certainly are not a hurtful person. The 2 of you unfortunately came into a situation that she lost control of. She is the professional.

You're such a wonderful writer and find it a better way to communicate. Try to get as much of this down as you can; not necessarily to send to her but for yourself.

And please keep posting.

mair

 

Re: i don't belong....(careful, possible *t*) » shrinking violet

Posted by mair on April 9, 2005, at 19:19:05

In reply to i don't belong....(careful, possible *t*), posted by shrinking violet on April 9, 2005, at 12:49:05

ShortE said it so much better than I can. Just know we all care about you very much.

mair

 

Re: i don't belong....(careful, possible *t*)

Posted by happyflower on April 9, 2005, at 20:00:02

In reply to i don't belong....(careful, possible *t*), posted by shrinking violet on April 9, 2005, at 12:49:05

Please get help, you really need to do this. I am worried about you. :(

 

((((violet)))) (nm)

Posted by Shortelise on April 9, 2005, at 22:19:41

In reply to ^^ i wish we could edit/delete posts....i'm sorry. (nm), posted by shrinking violet on April 9, 2005, at 18:43:11

 

Re: i don't belong....(careful, possible *t*)

Posted by LadyBug on April 9, 2005, at 23:02:11

In reply to i don't belong....(careful, possible *t*), posted by shrinking violet on April 9, 2005, at 12:49:05

I know you are in so much pain. I am very new here and don't know all the details but whatever they are I know there muct be a way out of feeling like you do. Can you call your T or someone that can get you some help?? I know I've been where you are and it's hard. The only thing I can offer is a hug and a prayer that you can see this dark time through. Nothing lasts forever, not even pain. I know because I've been there and it does change.
Please, please let us know how your doing!! I care even though I don't know you.

LadyBug

 

Re: i don't belong....(careful, possible *t*) » shrinking violet

Posted by 10derHeart on April 9, 2005, at 23:16:16

In reply to i don't belong....(careful, possible *t*), posted by shrinking violet on April 9, 2005, at 12:49:05

(((sv))))

Please take care of yourself. Please do get some IRL help if you feel like harming yourself. I know you are going through a lot, and I am worried, too. Call your T. No matter what her failings are, she definitely cares about you and would want to know if you are suicidal. Or call someone else you trust. It's not good to have these feelings and be alone.

You do belong. We all think so, without *actually* knowing you, just from following your posts. Think of what that means - how connected humans can be to each other just through shared sufferings, through empathy. If we had the pleasure to meet you, we'd feel you belonged even more! I wish I could sit with you and keep you company right now. But Babble is ALWAYS here.

Keep checking in with us, okay dear?

 

Shrinking Violet - How Are You (nm)

Posted by mair on April 10, 2005, at 13:29:23

In reply to Re: i don't belong....(careful, possible *t*) » shrinking violet, posted by 10derHeart on April 9, 2005, at 23:16:16

 

Shrinking Violet, are you okay?

Posted by Poet on April 10, 2005, at 16:06:17

In reply to Shrinking Violet - How Are You (nm), posted by mair on April 10, 2005, at 13:29:23

We're worried about you. Please post how you're doing when you feel up to it.

(((((((((((((SV)))))))))))))))))

Poet

 

sorry....

Posted by shrinking violet on April 10, 2005, at 17:04:09

In reply to Shrinking Violet, are you okay?, posted by Poet on April 10, 2005, at 16:06:17

i'm sorry, don't waste your time worrying about me, please.

i woke up, obviously.

plan to take more meds and go to sleep soon. need to pray harder that i stay asleep. but i know i'll wake up. :-(

i need to work on my projects. i can't seem to do anything though.

i hate the daytime. too bright.

my cuts are sore. that's the only comforting thing i have right now.

i won't cry anymore, i won't.....

i know i don't belong here. i feel it more and more. i can't explain it, i just *know* it, the way you know the sky is blue.

sorry everyone. please let this thread die.

 

Re: sorry.... » shrinking violet

Posted by Tamar on April 10, 2005, at 18:07:59

In reply to sorry...., posted by shrinking violet on April 10, 2005, at 17:04:09

> i'm sorry, don't waste your time worrying about me, please.

Thinking about you is never a waste of time.

> i need to work on my projects. i can't seem to do anything though.

When do you see your T? Can you call her? I really think you need some help.

> my cuts are sore. that's the only comforting thing i have right now.

(((((SV)))))

> i won't cry anymore, i won't.....

You go ahead and cry as much as you need to.

> i know i don't belong here. i feel it more and more. i can't explain it, i just *know* it, the way you know the sky is blue.

The world would be a duller place without you. Please get whatever help you need. I'm very worried about you. I believe you belong right here in the world. The sky would be less blue without you.

> sorry everyone. please let this thread die.

I don't want to let it go until I know you're feeling better. And you can feel better, but you need help. Please take care of yourself.

Tamar

 

(((((((((((Shrinking Violet)))))))))))))))))) (nm)

Posted by Poet on April 10, 2005, at 20:01:29

In reply to sorry...., posted by shrinking violet on April 10, 2005, at 17:04:09

 

Re: (((((((((((Shrinking Violet))))))))))))))))))

Posted by mair on April 10, 2005, at 21:36:33

In reply to (((((((((((Shrinking Violet)))))))))))))))))) (nm), posted by Poet on April 10, 2005, at 20:01:29

Sv

please stop apologizing and just let us care for you and care about you. You are very deserving of all the care you can get.

mair

 

Re: sorry.... » shrinking violet

Posted by 10derHeart on April 10, 2005, at 22:14:06

In reply to sorry...., posted by shrinking violet on April 10, 2005, at 17:04:09

What mair said - 100 times over.

I'll say sorry to you - sorry that I cannot accept you dismissing us into *not caring world.*

Because this is Babble and we DO care. We won't stop.

If you can at all, think back - have there been times you've felt very terrible and lost in the world before? Close to this? Probably. (Me, too.) Just try to remember - they DID NOT last forever. You probably know that somewhere, deep, deep down under all the pain.

Keep checking in with us. It by itself shows that glimmer of fight in you - that it matters enough for you to read Babble. That's good. Really good. Even if you just feel like posting, "I'm still reading..." - and that's all.

Please, sv, let us and someone IRL help you.

 

how did it go?

Posted by crazymaisie on April 13, 2005, at 22:28:48

In reply to Re: sorry.... » shrinking violet, posted by 10derHeart on April 10, 2005, at 22:14:06

hi sv

how did things go yesterday? i hope you're ok. i've been thinking of you

maisie

 

don't feel safe here.... » crazymaisie

Posted by shrinking violet on April 14, 2005, at 20:04:44

In reply to how did it go?, posted by crazymaisie on April 13, 2005, at 22:28:48

Thanks for caring enough to ask. I appreciate it.

I'm not sure I can post here for a while, if ever, at least not about how I'm feeling/thinking right now...

....an online friend (lives in another state) was concerned about me being suicidal, so she e-mailed my T and told her, without telling me. I found out Tue when I went to my appt.

My friend knows I post here, so....I don't think I can say much, in case she's reading.

To put it shortly:

I saw my T. I sobbed with her so hard. She held me. She cried too. I have two more appts with her before we officially end. I told her what I needed to in order for her not to worry enough to throw me IP.

....I can't even say or allude to things I want to or need to. Part of me needs to get it all out, but, the other part wants to protect it and keep it secret. Maybe it's better I keep it all to myself anyway...maybe it's selfish to dump this kind of thing on other people, then they feel they need to act on it, when you don't want them to.

So, that's the update.

Thanks everyone....

*closes curtain*

 

Re: don't feel safe here.... » shrinking violet

Posted by crazymaisie on April 14, 2005, at 22:24:54

In reply to don't feel safe here.... » crazymaisie, posted by shrinking violet on April 14, 2005, at 20:04:44

hi sv

i'm sorry you don't feel safe enough to post here. i know how helpful it can be to get it all out in a place where everybody understands. babblemail me anytime you like. stay well.

maisie

 

Opening curtain a little » shrinking violet

Posted by Poet on April 15, 2005, at 23:08:05

In reply to don't feel safe here.... » crazymaisie, posted by shrinking violet on April 14, 2005, at 20:04:44

Hi SV,

You can always babblemail me, too.

Take care.

Poet


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