Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 480557

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Focus of therapy sessions (slight trigger)

Posted by daisym on April 6, 2005, at 0:37:37

How do you know what to focus on when you feel so close to the edge? I know the easy answer is "whatever is coming up" but that feels very dangerous. And focusing on nothing is equally as dangerous.

Mostly we've been talking about the feelings and the urges and the struggle to stay safe and resist the impulses. I've asked my therapist a million times if the pressure on him was too great -- would he tell me I'm *really* too hard now? Or worse, would he send me away, tell me I belong in the hospital if I don't stop talking about this? I asked him today why he hasn't brought up the hospital -- and he countered by asking me if I felt I needed to be there. I said no, but I probably did last week, even though I suspect that I would have covered it all up with my "very together" persona had he suggested it. He agreed and said his biggest fear is that I will stop telling him about these feelings and then I'll really be in trouble because I hide it all so well. He keeps emphasizing his availability, even in the middle of the night, and reminds me that he gave me his emergency number so that I could use it if I needed to.

Interwoven into sessions are also discussions about sex -- how it triggers me now, what the abuse meant and lots of dreams. Today I told him that I had a dream that he was going to teach me about sex, about how it can be safe and beautiful, not scary and painful. But in the dream, everytime I consented to try it with him, I would start to cry and he would say I'm not ready yet. It was a complicated dream, with lots of parts and symbols. I told him it made me sad to realize what had been stolen from me -- this ability to feel intimate with someone else. He said it sounded like I was wishing that the connection I've allowed to grow between us, the safety I feel, could be part of my sex life now. I agreed, and I was glad he didn't get all wigged out thinking that I wanted to have sex with him, because it wasn't about that. We did talk about the potential for those feelings, and he said (again) that should those feelings come up, he wanted to hear about them and we would talk about them. He promised that he wouldn't transfer me or otherwise freak out. When I tell him what I've read about other therapists and their responses to sexual feelings, especially on the "net," he just sighs. Today he said, "Aren't you glad I'm old fashioned?" Yup!

It just feels so weird, to go from talking about suicide to talking about sex, to talking about work and then back to suicide. I guess some part of me wonders if I shouldn't concentrate on figuring out why I've dropped so severely into this depressed space. And I know I need to go back to the anger issue. I think I'm afraid to do that.

I feel like I should move off of this and "get back to work." I'd appreciate input or suggestions.

 

Re: Focus of therapy sessions (slight trigger) » daisym

Posted by messadivoce on April 6, 2005, at 2:11:22

In reply to Focus of therapy sessions (slight trigger), posted by daisym on April 6, 2005, at 0:37:37

Daisy, I loved your post. I can't explain why, but I did. That is so wonderful that you could bring up a dream like that and know that your T could look at it for what it is.

As for "getting back to work", I know that with difficult issues it often took many times of me mentioning something, then backing away, then re-visiting it for a longer period of time. You ARE working, but you won't be able to reconcile all your anger in one session, or even a week or a month, you know? Because maybe it feels to you that it's anger about your whole life that you're feeling, and the things that happened to you. That's huge.

And working on wanting to live and not die? That's the hardest work there is, I can imagine. If you're not here, you can't work on your anger.

I'm glad you posted. Please don't give up.
Voce

 

Re: Focus of therapy sessions (slight trigger)

Posted by B2chica on April 6, 2005, at 6:48:27

In reply to Focus of therapy sessions (slight trigger), posted by daisym on April 6, 2005, at 0:37:37

(((((((daisy)))))))
remember that anger has been locked up for many...many years, it will take time to let it/work it all out. be as patient with yourself as you are with us here. you are doing such incredibly hard work.

and i just wanted to say thanks for putting this in your post:
>>It just feels so weird, to go from talking about suicide to talking about sex, to talking about work and then back to suicide...And I know I need to go back to the anger issue. I think I'm afraid to do that.

1)i'm starting to (gently) touch on anger issues, sometimes (ok, all the time) i am afraid to even start to talk about this cuz i am afraid that this wrath of emotion/anger will come out and spew all over everyone in my life and myself and it will be so uncontrollable that i will end up dead. but i know in my heart it's got to come out sometime...slowly, controlled with T's help.
2)i Agree 100% about topics. it does feel very weird to go from S. to Sx to work issues. however, i've noticed that i do better cuz i feel comfortable talking about work issues that i start out with them and end with them and slip the others in between.

please take care.
b2c.

 

Re: Focus of therapy sessions (slight trigger) » daisym

Posted by fallsfall on April 6, 2005, at 11:17:55

In reply to Focus of therapy sessions (slight trigger), posted by daisym on April 6, 2005, at 0:37:37

>And I know I need to go back to the anger issue. I think I'm afraid to do that.

>I feel like I should move off of this and "get back to work." I'd appreciate input or suggestions.

You will go back to the anger issue when you are ready. You don't need to force it. I haven't had another outburst like the one that scared me so much a couple of months ago, but I think that I am occasionally more aware of anger mixed in with other things.

This *IS* your work. You don't have to get back to it, because you are already there. This is the hardest work of our lives.

(((((...Daisy)))))...

 

Re: Focus of therapy sessions (slight trigger) » daisym

Posted by mair on April 6, 2005, at 11:28:08

In reply to Focus of therapy sessions (slight trigger), posted by daisym on April 6, 2005, at 0:37:37

daisy - I don't know if this mirrors your experience at all, but I'm in a pretty depressed space right now - probably the most in years and I've discovered that my ability to really work on anything in therapy is hugely diminished. This, in and of itself, is distressing because I felt before this that I was making some real progress in areas which had always been especially difficult. I worry that all of that all of the progress has just been wiped out and it's frustrating to me to have sessions which I feel are so undirected, and to which my constructive contributions seem so insufficient.

I apologized to my therapist yesterday for the previous session. She pointed out to me that I always seemed to feel that I should apologize whenever we had a session where I talked alot about suicide, which has definitely been a not infrequent preoccupation but fortunately not an obsession. My view was that I was laying too much stuff on her by maybe making myself sound worse off than I really am. Her view is that she's gratified that I'm sharing much more of what I really feel - the depths of my despair for instance - than I have during previous depressive episodes. And we talked about my fear that I'll become so negative that she just won't want to be around me - I guess that's the fear of rejection.

Anyway, in this context, your T's statement about mostly being concerned when you stop talking about these things is probably right on. A hallmark of the deeper states of depression is emotional isolation and it has always been one of my T's main goals to reduce that isolation. As long as you keep talking to him about what you're experiencing, the less you may feel isolated in those feelings. That's at least proven to be the case with me.

mair

 

Re: Focus of therapy sessions (Triggering) » daisym

Posted by antigua on April 6, 2005, at 11:30:24

In reply to Focus of therapy sessions (slight trigger), posted by daisym on April 6, 2005, at 0:37:37

It all sounds perfectly normal to me. I have been feeling so low lately that I was afraid to tell my T today how badly I really felt. She got the message but I managed to switch subjects around enough that she didn't get too far. Like you, I can say now that last week I should have confessed and maybe considered the hospital, but I can't do that to my family. I remember visiting my mother in the "mental" hospital, as they often were called way back when, and while my feelings are out of proportion to my situation, it still really triggers me.

It's the calm moments of what I consider absolute lucidity that scare me most, when maybe my children and their future aren't enough. Sorry to be so blue.

The things you wrote about sex are good for you, I think you know. It is wonderful when the abuse can be separated out and sex is just sex, but in a good way if you know what I mean. I think that's progress, Daisy, because I've been working on that too.

It was suggested to me that maybe I can't express/let go, whatever, my rage at my father (I simply don't feel it; it's so buried) because then I might never feel the same way about him again, and I may never feel that intense love again. It's a concept I'm definitely willing to consider.

This wall is getting heavier and heavier...
antigua

 

Re: Focus of therapy sessions (slight trigger) » daisym

Posted by Shortelise on April 6, 2005, at 14:42:57

In reply to Focus of therapy sessions (slight trigger), posted by daisym on April 6, 2005, at 0:37:37

sure sounds like work to me.

ShortE

 

Re: Focus of therapy sessions (slight trigger) » daisym

Posted by pinkeye on April 6, 2005, at 14:49:28

In reply to Focus of therapy sessions (slight trigger), posted by daisym on April 6, 2005, at 0:37:37

Daisy,
I think what you are doing is important to you in some way - and keep doing it.

And your therapist is excellent.. this guy is so amazing. How do you keep yourself from feeling sexually attracted to him? I am so amazed. How will you ever leave him? I would never be able to let go of someone like that - not in my life time.

 

Re: Focus of therapy sessions (slight trigger) » daisym

Posted by Tamar on April 6, 2005, at 16:09:06

In reply to Focus of therapy sessions (slight trigger), posted by daisym on April 6, 2005, at 0:37:37

Your T is so great. I’m so glad he didn’t get wigged out at the possibility that you might develop some sexual feelings for him. It sounds as if there's nothing that would get him wigged out. I also hope *you* wouldn’t get wigged out if it happens.

You have been working really hard! The focus of all this stuff will come eventually.

Tamar

 

Re: Focus of therapy sessions (slight trigger) » daisym

Posted by littleone on April 6, 2005, at 21:56:34

In reply to Focus of therapy sessions (slight trigger), posted by daisym on April 6, 2005, at 0:37:37

Daisy, it has always amazed me how hard you are working at therapy. It seems like your sessions are incredibly intense and you seem to work on the same issue or similar issues for very extended lengths of time.

I'm certainly not saying that is wrong, more that it is so different to my therapy. I jump around all over the place and if we work on an issue for 3 sessions in a row, it feels very intense and also that the subject has been talked to death.

To be honest, I have been flabbergastered by what you've been doing. I literally don't know how you've done it.

Having said that, it seems like working hard at things has never been an issue for you. I would hazard a guess that taking a gentle meanderring path would be a lot more difficult for you. If that's the case, don't you think that to learn to take a more meanderring path at times during therapy could be beneficial to you?

And don't forget, talking about suicide and sex and sorting out issues around them is also very difficult and complex. Even they would hardly be classed as gentle. So even if you're not working flat out in therapy, you are still working very hard. These are issues you need to address at some stage anyway. Therapy doesn't have a time line to be adhered to. I think it is to be expected that things stop and start and get slotted in here and over there.

I also wanted to say that it would be fair to guess that anger is going to be a very difficult issue for you. It will take a lot out of you. If suicidal thoughts/urges are an issue for you now, it would probably be a lot safer to get them under control before tackling the anger issues. It doesn't sound like you have a lot of room to move if those urges get worse.

I certainly don't think it is a bad thing that your brain is doing. Taking a rest from the heavy stuff. Even if it was "resistence", I still don't really think that is bad unless it is considerably prolonged. I know with myself, that once my brain has had a break, it will naturally move back into working on the harder stuff.

Finally, thanks for sharing the discussion about your sex dream. It's very thought provoking and it was wonderful to hear how well your T *got it*.


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