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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by NightStar72 on April 6, 2005, at 4:22:08
I have a problem, I just realized that I devaluate my SO, the person I love most, and I didn't know it was a BPD trait but reading research tonight I found it, just out there.
I am very upset by this, and want to know if anyone else has done this, if they know how to coup (stop) when they catch themselves, what to do to repair a given instance of relaps.
I want to learn how to live in the moment, how to be not so serious all the time, how to look outside of myself and communicate more with others. It seems so flustrating, that I keep making the same mistake - hitting the same brick wall over and over again.
Posted by sunny10 on April 6, 2005, at 10:37:04
In reply to Borderline, devaluating loved ones..., posted by NightStar72 on April 6, 2005, at 4:22:08
good heavens, but you learn so much faster than me!!! Took me a LONG time to wrap my head around that one... yes, I've done it. My particular trigger was fear. Fear of abandonment to be precise... They can't hurt YOU if you already hurt THEM, now can they? was MY dysfunctional rationalization... Maybe that feels familiar for you, too?
Mainly I am trying to deal with the fact that the fear is in my head, from childhood, and I am TRYING to work on "logical" ways to get those fears out of my head...
Definitely do some work with your T to get to the bottom of YOUR trigger for this; and the practical help regarding "relapses" to strengthen your relationships. You are figuring out this stuff so much faster than me, maybe you can tell me what works for you!
I'm not much help on this one, but I did definitely want you to know that you are not alone. Emphatically NOT alone....
-sunny10
Posted by NightStar72 on April 6, 2005, at 12:52:03
In reply to Re: Borderline, devaluating loved ones..., posted by sunny10 on April 6, 2005, at 10:37:04
http://www.borderlinepersonalitytoday.com/main/dsmiv.htm
Here is the site I found reference to the devaluation.
I think I get most upset when SO does not spend time with me, when I feel as if I am being rejected - that is what I have the biggest issue with, and I do plan to talk to my couselor on the 14th about this and will be sure to let you know I find anything out on this.
I am just devistated to realize I have in fact treated my SO badly this way.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 7, 2005, at 1:40:23
In reply to Re: Borderline, devaluating loved ones..., posted by NightStar72 on April 6, 2005, at 12:52:03
Ah. I remember this.
What I found helpful is to think up a list of positive and negative things. Not positive and negative things of the person per se, but things you like and don't like. Because people aren't all good or all bad. And typically we don't completely love them or completely hate them. There are things that we like and things that we aren't so keen on.
A list like that can be something to reflect on when you go either way.
If you find yourself idealising someone - have a think about some of the qualities that you aren't so fussed on. And if you find yourself devaluing someone then have a think about some of the qualities that you like about them.
Having a more balanced view can help with swings either way.
But it can be hard to think of nice things when you are annoyed, and hard to think of the not so nice things when they seem about perfect.
A list can be something to reflect on to help yourself try to have a more balanced view.
Posted by NightStar72 on April 7, 2005, at 8:36:44
In reply to Re: Borderline, devaluating loved ones... » NightStar72, posted by alexandra_k on April 7, 2005, at 1:40:23
Thank you so so much, that is a start, he does from time to time put me on the spot asking what I like about him - here is what I come up with:
Ok, things I like:
1. I like his sense of humor, he is more able to live in the moment then me, and capable of making light of a situation when he puts his mind to it.
2. I like his sense of rightness, fairness in the world; he is always helping people out when he can in greater need then us.
3. I like that he is a very intelligent person and he strives to learn all of the time.
4. I like that he has a strong work ethic, and wants to be productive.
5. I like that he does not drink, and is a role model to me.Ok, things I dislike:
1. I dislike that he is secretive; he won’t always share how he is feeling with me.
2. I dislike that recently he does not tell me where he is going or gives me good bye kiss all the time like he use to. Or take initiative to tell me first that he loves me.
3. I dislike that I feel like he withholds his time with me, I actually feel like he avoids me and I am not important like I use to be. I use to be his baby angle.
4. I dislike that he don’t always introduce me to people he meets on the streets, he just ignores me sometimes in that respect, like I am not important enough.
5. I dislike that I involve myself with his interests, but he don't do the same for me.How is that???
Posted by Shortelise on April 7, 2005, at 10:30:39
In reply to Borderline, devaluating loved ones..., posted by NightStar72 on April 6, 2005, at 4:22:08
I apologize to my husband when I am disrespectful of him or unkind to him. I try to understand what happened, what I was feeling, reacting to, whatever.
I try to tell him what I need from him.
Sometimes, however, my anger is appropriate. I have to be careful not to blame myself for every little snit that happens.
ShortE
Posted by NightStar72 on April 7, 2005, at 19:09:39
In reply to Re: Borderline, devaluating loved ones... » NightStar72, posted by Shortelise on April 7, 2005, at 10:30:39
Thanks for the encouragement, I suspect sometimes I am right for being upset, it is not often I get angry, I just cry a lot here, and sometimes say things that hurt his feelings, but never on purpose never. I just don't understand him sometimes and it gets me confused on how to react.
My counseling seems to be going so slow, I want to learn how to fix this all now, I don't know how I am going to make it years of counseling. :-(
I can't wait to get the skills training manual. It just seems nothing is willing to work fast for me. I want to know everything that is wrong, maybe I can find something on the internet about this book in the mean time.
Thanks much,
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