Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 480389

Shown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

counter tranference

Posted by happyflower on April 5, 2005, at 19:57:37

Hi! I am new! I have a question. Do any of you experienced counter transference from your T? My T has strong boundries but I feel he is fighting feelings for me. I also have feelings for him but I would never act on them because I am happily married. How can you get rid of my feelings? I feel like a young school girl having a crush. Should I discuss with my T? I am in therapy for the first time and it has been about 3 months. The sexual attraction was immediate when I met him, but I have found his personality is the the type of man I would be intererested in if I were single. It is kinda weird that I would be so attracted to him when I truely am happy in my marriage. Anyone experience this?

 

Re: counter tranference happyflower

Posted by Tamar on April 5, 2005, at 21:45:36

In reply to counter tranference, posted by happyflower on April 5, 2005, at 19:57:37

I'm not an expert at this transference/counter-transference stuff, but I did feel a sense of deja-vu when I read your post. My own experience was not unlike the situation you describe.

I'm curious that you mention counter-transference rather than transference. Could your experience be rooted in transference?
It's entirely possible, of course, that your T finds you attractive, but if he's a good T he'll never tell you (I hate that!).

> How can you get rid of my feelings? I feel like a young school girl having a crush. Should I discuss with my T?

I don't know if you can ever get rid of the feelings entirely, but from what I hear, discussing it with your therapist is probably a step in the right direction for understanding and resolving your feelings.

Most therapists are able to deal with their clients' feelings sensitively and professionally, and your T should be able to help you explore the basis of your attraction. I tend to think that attraction is often just a basic biological matter, but if you're attracted to your T there may be other underlying factors to take into account.

>It is kinda weird that I would be so attracted to him when I truely am happy in my marriage.

Therapy involves much weirdness. But also, it might be kinda weird if you were never attracted to people other than your partner.

If you feel able to do it, you might want to consider talking to your T about it. But I have to admit, I decided against confessing. For what it's worth, I now sometimes wish I'd said something. I tried to deal with it alone, and I'm sure it would have been easier for me if I'd brought it up with my T. Most people who discuss it with their T have said that it leads to increased trust and understanding.

I hope this helps a bit.

Tamar

 

Re: counter tranference happyflower

Posted by 10derHeart on April 5, 2005, at 22:31:23

In reply to counter tranference, posted by happyflower on April 5, 2005, at 19:57:37

Hi, happyflower, and welcome to Babble!

Your posting name is so appropriate for spring right now - it made me smile.

I really can't add much to what Tamar said so wisely and clearly. Except to say what you're feeling is perfectly normal. You'll find a lot of support and understanding for this here, I'm sure.
I do strongly suggest you read "In Session: The Bond Between" if you haven't. It's probably the best book out there to throughly cover this issue. My copy became dog-eared from me re-reading stuff.. Most popular with posters, here, too - look up at top of page. Hang in there.

 

Re: Oops, that should have read... 10derHeart

Posted by 10derHeart on April 5, 2005, at 22:33:58

In reply to Re: counter tranference happyflower, posted by 10derHeart on April 5, 2005, at 22:31:23

" In Session: The Bond Between Women and Their Therapists" by Deborah Lott. My fingers must have gotten tired.... that's a link to Amazon.com, BTW, so you can take a look at the book , and even read a bit inside, I think.

 

Re: counter tranference

Posted by happyflower on April 6, 2005, at 7:46:44

In reply to counter tranference, posted by happyflower on April 5, 2005, at 19:57:37

Thanks everyone! I guess I am in transference love! lol How do you know if it is transference or real? I would love to order the book, but I think my DH would freak if he thought I had feelings for my T. I have always been very open with DH about everything except this one thing. I don't want to hurt him and have him wondering what is going on in T. I see him today so I hope I can deceide if I should tell him or not. I am not sure if I can handle that topic yet. lol How do you all feel about your T's?

 

Re: counter tranference happyflower

Posted by Shortelise on April 6, 2005, at 15:04:38

In reply to Re: counter tranference, posted by happyflower on April 6, 2005, at 7:46:44

You can get it from the library.

Happyflower!

Yes, my dear, the transference is a part of therapy. We can have tranference love, tranference hate, tranference maternal stuff, tranference you-name-it! It's all part of the therapeutic process.

You don't say what led you to therapy, and frankly you don't need to - whatever it is, the sooner you learn to address all of your feelings with your T, the sooner you'll get to the heart of whatever took you there in the first place. It's terrifying, yes indeedy, but it's the thing to do.

I love your name!

ShortE

 

Re: counter tranference

Posted by happyflower on April 6, 2005, at 17:43:48

In reply to counter tranference, posted by happyflower on April 5, 2005, at 19:57:37

Thanks! Everyone is so nice here! I just might stay for awhile! lol
Shortelise, I don't mind telling why I am going to T. I am a survior of child abuse, physcial, emotional, and neglect. I have cut all ties to my mother ( the main abuser). But she still tries to contact me or my kids. She scares me. Well the last time she tried to contact my kids was through the mail. It is a long story, but I totally freaked out, and now am suffering from PTSD. But I feel I am doing much better after 10 sessions of therepy. I will tell more about my situation later! (it is a very long story). Thanks again.

 

Re: Oops, that should have read...

Posted by Susan47 on April 6, 2005, at 21:04:14

In reply to Re: Oops, that should have read... 10derHeart, posted by 10derHeart on April 5, 2005, at 22:33:58

This is ridiculous. I've been looking at the title of that book for months now, and never had the courage to order it or search for it in the library or anything. Didn't want to know, it was too painful to know how twisted and bound-up with my therapist I'd actually become, how much I needed him but could not have, no way .. like salt in an open wound, to find out others experience this as well.

Soon I might have the courage to seek out.

 

Re: Oops, that should have read... Susan47

Posted by 10derHeart on April 7, 2005, at 12:46:04

In reply to Re: Oops, that should have read..., posted by Susan47 on April 6, 2005, at 21:04:14

I hope you do. It is so well-written, and comes from extememly detailed and comprehensive surveys of 274 women (about 65, if I recall were also T.s or T.s in-training). And the author has some good personal input herself. I think you would love it, and it wouldn't be scary at all. It was my ONLY resource way back, before Babble, before I ever told ex-T. any of the variety of feelings I was having for him. And this book alone sustained me and relieved a ton of pressure and confusion.

 

Re: Oops, that should have read... 10derHeart

Posted by pinkeye on April 7, 2005, at 12:53:21

In reply to Re: Oops, that should have read... Susan47, posted by 10derHeart on April 7, 2005, at 12:46:04

I haven't read this book as well. Maybe I should read too.

Problem is, I cannot read something like that in home with my husband around :-). He sure will freak out.

Any sneaking suggestions?

 

Re: Oops, that should have read...

Posted by Susan47 on April 7, 2005, at 14:54:40

In reply to Re: Oops, that should have read... 10derHeart, posted by pinkeye on April 7, 2005, at 12:53:21

Im' beginning to think my T was a backslider; he does what's easy. Because if he didn't, he'd work harder to help. And he would've recommended books like this. His vision is askew. I know that now. But because I was the "patient" for so long, I had a trust I shouldn't necessarily have had. Because he let me down, down, down.

 

Re: Oops, that should have read... Susan47

Posted by pinkeye on April 7, 2005, at 16:35:43

In reply to Re: Oops, that should have read..., posted by Susan47 on April 7, 2005, at 14:54:40

I think when you start accepting him more for what he was - a person with many strengths and some weaknessness - you might have an easier time accepting things around yourself and you as well.

Maybe that is what you need - to be able to accept a person fully instead of focussing on his mistakes - and I think that will lead you to be able to accept yourself more.

Maybe that is why you are struggling so much - because you are not able to accept yourself and you are not able to accept him also.

 

Good Point pinkeye

Posted by Susan47 on April 8, 2005, at 13:14:54

In reply to Re: Oops, that should have read... Susan47, posted by pinkeye on April 7, 2005, at 16:35:43

I think I am getting closer, much closer to that, every day now. Psychologically I needed him so intensely for such a long time and I felt he was there for me only when I made it happen in my mind, because I didn't trust him IRL to really like me. I suppose I didn't like myself. But I'm getting to that more and more and needing him less and less .. sigh, but I know I will always carry him in my heart. Always. Sigh.

 

Re: Oops, that should have read... Susan47

Posted by Dinah on April 10, 2005, at 19:43:31

In reply to Re: Oops, that should have read..., posted by Susan47 on April 7, 2005, at 14:54:40

Your average therapist has never even heard of that book. They should. It should be required reading. But the truth is that most haven't heard of it. And don't understand the contents.

 

Re: Oops, that should have read... Dinah

Posted by 10derHeart on April 10, 2005, at 22:02:54

In reply to Re: Oops, that should have read... Susan47, posted by Dinah on April 10, 2005, at 19:43:31

So true. I still plan to try to get my ex.-T to read it. Not that I've tried and he wouldn't - just that I've not had the guts to suggest it. Because my suggestion will likely be a little...uh...forceful. And my T. now, well, surprisingly, he may not *need* to take a look at the book as much as some. He *gets* an awful lot of stuff - so far.

But I will still probably bring it to him one day.
Obviously, I'm a huge fan of this book :-)

 

Re: Oops, that should have read... 10derHeart

Posted by Dinah on April 10, 2005, at 22:05:21

In reply to Re: Oops, that should have read... Dinah, posted by 10derHeart on April 10, 2005, at 22:02:54

I've mentioned it to him. Babble is wonderful for that purpose. I didn't need to make it seem like I went out for me and looked for the book. I just heard it mentioned on Babble. ;)

But he hasn't read it and won't. I can't even pay him to read a book. I know, because I tried and all that happened was he kept my book.

 

Re: Oops, that should have read... Dinah

Posted by 10derHeart on April 10, 2005, at 22:39:08

In reply to Re: Oops, that should have read... 10derHeart, posted by Dinah on April 10, 2005, at 22:05:21

>>I know, because I tried and all that happened was he kept my book.

Deduct the cost of the book from his fee.
( :-) just kidding...)

although....may I say it was a tad rude, or at the very least - tacky - of him to keep it...oh goodness, I may be making this " (lightly) bash Dinah's T. week." (sorry)

 

Re: Oops, that should have read... 10derHeart

Posted by Dinah on April 10, 2005, at 22:44:21

In reply to Re: Oops, that should have read... Dinah, posted by 10derHeart on April 10, 2005, at 22:39:08

It's all right. I'm in the mood to bash a bit too. Must be that going out of town thing (and telling me as he gave me my receipt and showed me the door).

The book thing was funny. I brought in a book that took me a couple of hours to read, I guess. And offered to pay him his usual rate if he read it. He agreed, sort of nonplussed, and took the book. Mentioned once that he had read the intro or something. Maybe that was my cue to offer to pay him the first installment and I missed it. ;) It hadn't occurred to me that the intro was worth even a half session. At any rate, he never mentioned it again.

Of course, I'm no idiot, and I know him. I had ordered a duplicate copy the same day I gave him mine to read. :)


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