Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 478498

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Re: i hate myself so much

Posted by sunny10 on April 1, 2005, at 12:23:16

In reply to i hate myself so much, posted by shrinking violet on April 1, 2005, at 11:15:53

is it possible that because she knows how much this is hurting you, she doesn't want to increase your pain by discussing it?

Or maybe it's possible that she cares about you, too, and she is hiding behind her "rules of termination" in order to control her own feelings?

Maybe you are not the only one who is feeling the inevitable loss?

Just guessing here, but it is possible...

 

Re: i hate myself so much shrinking violet

Posted by pinkeye on April 1, 2005, at 13:16:22

In reply to i hate myself so much, posted by shrinking violet on April 1, 2005, at 11:15:53

I think your therapist is probably not that good for you. You end up getting hurt all the time and she is unfortunately not able to understand you. Better leave her and try to find someone else. Trying to do a good termination with her would only end up hurting you more. If you want, later you can revisit this with her, when you are more stable. But immediately get a new therapist as soon as possible and start over. That would really help.

 

Re: Well, don't hate YOURself

Posted by Dinah on April 1, 2005, at 13:50:58

In reply to i hate myself so much, posted by shrinking violet on April 1, 2005, at 11:15:53

or her either I guess. You can wish she was better equipped to be a good therapist to you?

But it doesn't seem like a good match, not at this point anyway. Could you show her your post next time?

 

Re: i hate myself so much shrinking violet

Posted by pinkeye on April 1, 2005, at 14:51:36

In reply to i hate myself so much, posted by shrinking violet on April 1, 2005, at 11:15:53

Btw, if it is of any consolation, I didn't think very highly of your therapist in the first place from what you had written a while back about she offering some toy or something for your cat. (if I remember correctly. I might be confusing you for someone .. ignore if it is not you).

I would think if a therapist wants to go to that level to create dependancy on her from the client, then she better know what she is doing. Otherwise, she better keep herself uncommital and unavailable.

These kind of gifts to the client, creates extreme dependancy from the client, and if the therapist is not prepared to go all the way with that, leaving the client in the middle is as hard as it could get for a client.

 

Re: i hate myself so much shrinking violet

Posted by 10derHeart on April 1, 2005, at 17:29:27

In reply to i hate myself so much, posted by shrinking violet on April 1, 2005, at 11:15:53

(((SV))

I'm sorry you are in this kind of agony. Your post breaks my heart. Especially the part about telling you DON't do this and that after termination. I am a huge advocate for (generally) doing the opposite with most clients. I can't even go further, this makes me so upset. She really is retreating behind things, as someone else said, she has to be to come out so strongly on that when you didn't even bring it up. I think it's a complete wall to hide behind.

Please, please don't hate yourself. Remember, she IS a therapist, and so to me, she is FAR more responsible - maybe even completely - at this delicate, difficult time, for being gentle with you and increasing her attempts to understand silence. Even the most unskilled T. does not have to choose *anger* as the only interpretation of your sitting there not talking.

I don't have any wonderful advice, but I wanted to say WE want you to live...and you will want that, too, after the suffering eases. It will. It will. Hang on. I really, really wish you'd show her this post before your final session. Just hand it over without words, maybe?

I don't know. Please be safe and kind to yourself. And keep posting. (((SV))

 

Re: i hate myself so much

Posted by lonelygal2 on April 2, 2005, at 11:35:48

In reply to i hate myself so much, posted by shrinking violet on April 1, 2005, at 11:15:53

aww sv.
i was hoping to catch you on aim... i hope you are busy taking good care of yourself.
i think all of us here understand how difficult therapy can be. please know that it is not your fault.
you know how to reach me.
take care.

 

thank you all

Posted by shrinking violet on April 3, 2005, at 13:35:12

In reply to i hate myself so much, posted by shrinking violet on April 1, 2005, at 11:15:53

Thank you everyone.

I did end up calling her later that afternoon. I apologized for how the session went. She thanked me. I told her I don't plan to go in there and react the way I do...she said she knows (but does she??) and she said she wishes she could keep her mouth shut b/c she thinks that her talking to fill in the gaps messes me up (true). She joked and said for me to bring in some masking tape next time. I laughed and told her I would (I think I even might LOL). She said she will miss me. Why, I have no idea.....

I've thought a lot about that session, and how to avoid future ones like that, and what I need to do in order to make this last phase with her something I will cherish and not regret later on. I've come up with some ideas, that I will try to talk to her about. I know that I need to grieve this loss of her WITH her, if that makes sense, and pushing her away now is only going to make the hurt worse. I'm going to bring in questions, or things I need to say/discuss with her to sessions from now on, and encourage her to ask questions of me, anything she might want to know before I leave her, hoping the questions will act as a catalyst for some discussions, since I was never good at just pulling topics out of the air. Also, I need to see if we can see each other weekly again for a while, because waiting 2-3 weeks in betweeen sessions is actually prolonging the pain, b/c I start to get used to not seeing her, then I see her and it starts all over again. I also want us to set a last session date, so I know where we stand and when it will be. And I do want to give her a small gift of appreciation the session before the last one, b/c I want the last session to be a quiet, peaceful time for us.

I also need to see if she can see me next week, rather than the week after, because it is very urgent for me to try to convey to her, more than anything else, how sorry I am for everything, and how I wish I could have been different/better, how I wish I could have spared her all of the aggravation and frustration and upset that I have caused her......

So, we'll see. I guess I can't avoid hurting, and I can't avoid showing her how much this hurts me, especially knowing it doesn't affect her that much.

Why do I feel like the world's biggest fool, though? :-(

Thank you all again.

 

Re: thank you all shrinking violet

Posted by Tamar on April 3, 2005, at 14:02:29

In reply to thank you all, posted by shrinking violet on April 3, 2005, at 13:35:12

Hi SV,

I'm glad you called her and talked to her. And I think all your ideas are very good, particularly the idea of bringing in topics for discussion and getting her to ask you questions. I remember when I was having trouble talking about a particular event, my T offered to ask me questions about it to help me get the words out. It seems like a good idea.

And having sessions closer together also sounds like a very good idea. It might give you the opportunity to focus more in between sessions on what you need to talk about. That way you can make the most of the time you have left with your T.

And I think you're absolutely right about grieving WITH her, before you say goodbye.

I don't think it's possible to avoid hurting entirely. It always hurts when we feel we're in a relationship (even a therapeutic relationship) where we're more invested emotionally than the other person. But letting her know might actually help. Although it doesn't affect her in quite the same way, I think at least she will understand and try to make it easier for you. She will definitely miss you and miss the therapy you've done together.

I hope your remaining sessions go well, and give you something sweet to remember.

Tamar

 

such wonderful ideas...

Posted by Pfinstegg on April 3, 2005, at 14:12:32

In reply to thank you all, posted by shrinking violet on April 3, 2005, at 13:35:12

I thought every one of your ideas for getting to termination in as constructive and healthy a way as possible were just wonderful - and clearly the result of a lot of thought. I hope you can see her weekly, and set a date. Your posts are all so clear about the real reason for your behavior- your fear, pain, dread and rage about losing her. If you get "off-track" in a session because of that, perhaps you could have copies of your very insightful posts in hand- and maybe copies for her. I think it would be very helpful to read and discuss them together. It's just a shame to start hating yourself because of your own longings, which are all so natural, and left-over from unmet needs of your childhood- not to mention being part of us all for our entire lives.. It sounds as though you are moving towards working together with her as a partner to help you through the termination- that's so healthy. i think it's our rage at being abandonned that makes terminations so hard. It can be so hard to keep in mind that rage and love exist at the same time, in equal strength, can't it? I do hope you'll be able to terminate so that you will be able to take some good things- about you, her and your relationship- with you, but you do need her help in expressing all the powerful feelings involved. She may need to grow into a better therapist to bear all of this with you, but, if you give her a chance, she probably will. I think therapists do think of their own lives as opportunities for growth through handling the most intense feelings they and others have. She is probably going to really miss you, too, you know

 

Re: such wonderful ideas... Pfinstegg

Posted by shrinking violet on April 3, 2005, at 17:00:00

In reply to such wonderful ideas..., posted by Pfinstegg on April 3, 2005, at 14:12:32

Thank you so much. I think I may take your idea of printing out some of my posts, and some responses (such as yours!) that may help bring out some of these painful and embarrassing issues. Thank you.


> I thought every one of your ideas for getting to termination in as constructive and healthy a way as possible were just wonderful - and clearly the result of a lot of thought. I hope you can see her weekly, and set a date. Your posts are all so clear about the real reason for your behavior- your fear, pain, dread and rage about losing her. If you get "off-track" in a session because of that, perhaps you could have copies of your very insightful posts in hand- and maybe copies for her. I think it would be very helpful to read and discuss them together. It's just a shame to start hating yourself because of your own longings, which are all so natural, and left-over from unmet needs of your childhood- not to mention being part of us all for our entire lives.. It sounds as though you are moving towards working together with her as a partner to help you through the termination- that's so healthy. i think it's our rage at being abandonned that makes terminations so hard. It can be so hard to keep in mind that rage and love exist at the same time, in equal strength, can't it? I do hope you'll be able to terminate so that you will be able to take some good things- about you, her and your relationship- with you, but you do need her help in expressing all the powerful feelings involved. She may need to grow into a better therapist to bear all of this with you, but, if you give her a chance, she probably will. I think therapists do think of their own lives as opportunities for growth through handling the most intense feelings they and others have. She is probably going to really miss you, too, you know

 

Re: thank you all shrinking violet

Posted by Susan47 on April 3, 2005, at 18:29:45

In reply to thank you all, posted by shrinking violet on April 3, 2005, at 13:35:12

You're incredibly smart sv, I was so touched, reading your post, that I could hardly breathe.
Seeing your t more rather than less, and all the things you think you should do in session, sound really like wonderful steps to take. You're awesome, both of you. :-)

 

Re: thank you all shrinking violet

Posted by Dinah on April 3, 2005, at 19:25:53

In reply to thank you all, posted by shrinking violet on April 3, 2005, at 13:35:12

That's very mature and insightful of you, and it'll probably be in your best interests long term to leave with as good memories as possible.

 

Re: thank you all shrinking violet

Posted by pinkeye on April 4, 2005, at 13:55:02

In reply to thank you all, posted by shrinking violet on April 3, 2005, at 13:35:12

I have this feeling that your therapist is not a great one. Maybe she will grow into a good one later, but you seem to be putting in all the efforts and from what you have written, she doesn't seem very supportive or insightful. And I think she really did a big mistake in trying to give your cat toys. I might be wrong, but that is the impression that I am getting.. You are doing all the work and she is not doing much on her part. If she was waiting for you to show up when you were not even clear if you left her - that kind of thing seems pretty odd to me.

You should try to find someone else to go to while you work on your termination with her. Start with someone else simultaneously. That would help you in doing it right and not get hurt. You are doing an amazing thing though trying to resolve the termination as smoothly as possible. But I would really strongly recomment to try to find another matured therapist alongside what you are trying.

 

Don't hate yourself shrinking violet

Posted by Poet on April 4, 2005, at 18:23:22

In reply to thank you all, posted by shrinking violet on April 3, 2005, at 13:35:12

Hi SV,

You aren't the world's biggest fool either. Talking is hard and not talking seems such a waste of what little time is left. I can't pull topics out of the air, either. I seem to only feel safe (damn, I hate that word, I am going to stop using it.)

I only feel comfortable talking about the same career failure over and over. Though my T keeps telling me that career failure is not why I am in therapy. Well, I know that and I know I bore the hell out of her, but she says I don't. I know better... I wish I could pull topics out of the air.

I hope things go better this week. I know how tough this has been on you from the start. We non-blurters just have a tough time even with endless therapy sessions in sight. Having an actual end date is stressful on an all ready stressed mind, body and spirit.

Take care.

Poet

 

Trying doesn't count, I guess...

Posted by shrinking violet on April 5, 2005, at 11:47:32

In reply to Don't hate yourself shrinking violet, posted by Poet on April 4, 2005, at 18:23:22

Sent to T by SV on Monday, April 4:

"Greetings [T],

I apologize, especially for bothering you on the first day of your work week, but I wanted to clarify if our next scheduled session is to be our last, or...? Also, would it be possible for you to see me this week, maybe Thurs or Fri afternoon?

I ask because I've been doing quite a lot of thinking the past few days, and I would like to share with you some thoughts and ideas which I would like to bring to next session, with your permission. However if we're closing things out in the next session or two then there's probably no point in bringing any of this up, so I thought I would double-check. Also, I know I've squandered my time with you lately, and I don't expect you to make me a priority right now, so I understand if you're unable to see me earlier than our next scheduled time.

Thank you for considering my request(s), and thank you for your patience and tolerance?, especially of my intrusive communications (this will be the last of those, unless otherwise specifically requested).

Have a good week....?
[SV]"

T's response today, April 5:


"Hi [SV],

I am responding to your e-mail sent yesterday. I had assumed our last appointment was to be on tuesday the 12th of April., but could see you one session beyond if you thought you where willing to help us with the termination phase of our work together. We could negotiate that appointment on the 12th. Lori , I am sorry I do not have any time in my schedule to see you this week, my week, as you know, is shortened by working full time in a four days and as well, have a conference that has come up on my schedule on Friday...taking me off one additional day this week. I hope you understand.

I will see you on April 12th and look forward to helping you with your needs,

Peace,
[T]"

****
I give up, I really do. There's no point in doing any of the things I was going to bring up if we only have one or two sessions together anyway. I feel like every time I TRY, she knocks it down. And she hasn't tried much, at least not in the ways she should have. I dont want to take all the blame for this....I know I do have some responsibility to how this went with her, but....It IS her too, right? I can't believe it's going to end like this with her....But right now I'm so angry and dejected and hurt. I dont want to write her a mushy goodbye letter, or give her a gift, b/c I dont think I'd mean any of it right now. She shut right down, like I knew she would, toward the end. Especially after I sent her that longish email a couple of weeks ago, spilling my guts out. I shouldnt have done that.

I dont think I'm going to see her next week. I need to just break from her now. There's no point in going there one last time....for what? I think I'm going to write her a final short letter, telling her I'm not coming next week, that I am assuming our work together has come to an end, that any further communications from the center I would like to come from someone else, and the only thing I want to know is what happens to my chart and files, etc. And I'm going to leave it in her mailbox on Monday (she doesnt work mondays so she wont be there) and consider this closed with her.

But will that look like I'm stomping away in a fit, because I didn't get what I wanted? I don't want it to look that way either.....If anyone has any other interpretations of her email that might help me out, I'd appreciate it. I tend to read her notes as more harshly than she may have meant them, so maybe that's what I'm doing now? I don't know....

I can't keep doing this to myself over someone who never gave a darn to begin with.

:-(

 

Re: Trying doesn't count, I guess...

Posted by daisym on April 5, 2005, at 12:16:31

In reply to Trying doesn't count, I guess..., posted by shrinking violet on April 5, 2005, at 11:47:32

SV --

I encourage you to keep your appointment on the 12th. You are hurting, it all feels like rejection, even if it was inevitable and you knew the timelines. It still hurts. I want to use a weird example, so hang in there with me, OK?

I worked at a hospital for a lot of years with pregnant women. Very rarely, we would lose a baby at birth. There was a whole procedure for saying good-bye -- wrapping up the baby, having the mom hold the baby if she could, taking a photo, lock of hair, etc. I know this sounds sort of warped, but what we knew was that 6 months from now, when the intense pain and grief had eased off slightly, these moments, the saying "good-bye" would be intensely important to that mom (and dad).

I think you need to look at this opportunity to say good-bye the same way. Six months from now you will still probably hurt, but you can know that you ended with closure. I think you will regret it if you just leave a note, with no feedback. Write down how you are feeling. Write down that you think she never cared. Write down that you will miss her and have a lot of work still to do. Because if she responds the way I think she will, you will know that she is shutting down because she will miss you too. And knowing this will validate any of the good things that you've been able to do. And it will set the stage for the next time you enter therapy. She wouldn't have explained her schedule to you if she didn't feel badly about not being able to see you. She would just have said she couldn't. It sounded to me like she really regrets not being able to fit you in this week. And she did offer another session, so she recognizes you might need more time.

I hate good-bye. I'm not good at it. I always want to run from it. And I always wish I had said what was on my mind, and not have to live with it stuffed away, fantasizing about the conversation I wished I'd had. So, I understand if you don't go see her. But I think you should.

I hear so much pain in your post. I wish I could take it away. Losing someone hurts so bad.
Hugs from me.
Daisy

 

Re: Trying doesn't count, I guess... shrinking violet

Posted by pinkeye on April 5, 2005, at 13:12:21

In reply to Trying doesn't count, I guess..., posted by shrinking violet on April 5, 2005, at 11:47:32

Look at my post above for you. As I have been saying, your T doesn't sound too good. Don't take the blame for it on you.

There are much much more mature therapists out there.

She is confusing you like anything.

Maybe just go to this last appointment, because I think it is important for YOU to have a decent goodbye. But immediately find a new therapist. And you can work on your grief with the new one. Opening up even more to this same therapist is not going to help.. I am afraid she is going to continue messing it up.

I really didn't like her giving you gifts for the cat, and terminating all of a sudden, and confusing you etc.

 

Re: Trying doesn't count, I guess...

Posted by annierose on April 5, 2005, at 14:32:40

In reply to Re: Trying doesn't count, I guess... shrinking violet, posted by pinkeye on April 5, 2005, at 13:12:21

SV -
If you can, please listen to your wise babble friends. Daisy is so right. You will regret the chance to say "good-bye". Yes, it will be painful, but at least you were able to have the last session. You DO want to see her again, otherwise it wouldn't be so painful.

And I agree with pinkeye too. Having another T to help you with your grief should be considered. The new T may bring you the peace and professional closeness you are needing at this time. Great T's do exist, and they will help you with all those feelings. Believe us.

Annierose

 

Re: thank you all

Posted by shrinking violet on April 5, 2005, at 19:29:11

In reply to Re: thank you all shrinking violet, posted by pinkeye on April 4, 2005, at 13:55:02

Hi pinkeye,

Thank you for your response.

My first reaction is to defend my T, but.....At the same time, hearing thoughts like yours validates my gut feeling that she has done and said some questionable things as a T, and that maybe it's OK to let some of the blame fall on her without feeling like I'm attacking her or unappreciative of what she has tried to do. Also, I am not the easiest client in the world to deal with, and everything my T did, she did because she so very much wanted to help me. I can't fault her for that.....Some T's out there are very aware of their power, how what they say and do can affect clients so deeply, yet they use their power to the detriment of their clients, and they couldn't care less. My T isn't like that....Whatever wrongs she may have committed, she did so while truly believing they were the right things to do for me.

Yes, she did make my cat a toy (which he loves). In the grand scheme of things, though, I don't really think of that as anything mroe than a sweet gesture. I'm not sure WHY she did it, but it was very sweet and I'll always cherish it and the thought behind it.

As far as another T....No, I'm finished with therapy for the time being, if not forever. I went into this experience skeptical of therapy to begin with, but knew I probably needed some sort of counseling. I've had my original opinions validated, and moreso, and while I may "need" counseling, I also know it isn't for me. And if I could do it all over again.....I wouldn't. But, I can't go backwards, and all I can do is try to take what I have and trudge forward.

Thank you.
SV

 

Re: thank you all shrinking violet

Posted by pinkeye on April 5, 2005, at 19:39:28

In reply to Re: thank you all, posted by shrinking violet on April 5, 2005, at 19:29:11

Hi SV,
I didn't question your therapist's motives. I am pretty sure she intended well for you - as far as I can see, I can never imagine a therapist wanting to use his/her power to manipulate a client. I firmly believe almost 99 % of therapists come to therapy because they care and want to help.

But I do think your therapist is incompetent. While she might want to do what is good for you, she ends up hurting you, and that is what I meant when I said your therapist is not a great one.

It wasn't bad of her to give your cat a toy.. but she could have had a little bit of wisdom and foresight to see what it would cause you to believe about her - that she is a personal friend, that she cares very much for you, that she will be there for you. And she should have known when she extends herself beyond the limits to be there for a patient like that, it is normal on the patients part to have even more expectations on her.. and that she should be willing to see it all the way through - till the point you are recovered completely. If she was not willing or capable off to go all the way through and is going to drop off in the middle, then trying to extend herself and then pulling back is only going to hurt you. In other words, don't make a promise (explicitly or not) which you cannot keep. By giving your cat a toy, I think she made a huge huge promise to you that she will be there for you, and she is not keeping it now.

 

Re: Trying doesn't count, I guess... daisym

Posted by shrinking violet on April 5, 2005, at 19:44:31

In reply to Re: Trying doesn't count, I guess..., posted by daisym on April 5, 2005, at 12:16:31

{{{{Daisy}}}}

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to this, especially when you've had a hard time yourself lately. I hope you are feeling better.


>> I encourage you to keep your appointment on the 12th. You are hurting, it all feels like rejection, even if it was inevitable and you knew the timelines. It still hurts. .....I think you will regret it if you just leave a note, with no feedback.

--I know, you're probably right. Thank you for that example, too, by the way. I know I would look back and regret it if I reacted irrationally now, just because I feel hurt or thrown aside. One thing I've learned from my T is that my initial reaction is always often out of anger/hurt, and if I wait it out, usually things become a bit more clear and I can figure out how to react to a given situation without letting my anger or pride get in the way. This was one of those times, and as I thought about it, and read your response and the others here, I know for ME I need to see her once or twice more and tell her a few things, and try to salvage this in some way.

>>Write down how you are feeling. Write down that you think she never cared. Write down that you will miss her and have a lot of work still to do. Because if she responds the way I think she will, you will know that she is shutting down because she will miss you too. And knowing this will validate any of the good things that you've been able to do.

--I will, thank you. Mainly I want to tell her how deeply sorry I am for everything. I won't be able to just tell her everything I would want to say while I'm sitting there with her, but I want to at least apologize for making this experience such a nightmare for her. I'll also write down some other general thoughts and hope she agrees to one more session after next week's, so I can focus on what to finally say to her, and give her a little token. As for her shutting down because she is hurting too....That's a nice theory, and I wish it were true, but I don't think it is. I mean, she had no trouble showing me her frustration, or even her nurturing, so why wouldn't she want to show me how much she is hurting over this loss too? Especially since knowing she is hurting too would help me a heck of a lot more than acting like it isn't bothering her? I don't think it does bother her, not that much....She's used to losing clients, after all, and after he hell I've put her through she probably can't wait to see me go.

>> She wouldn't have explained her schedule to you if she didn't feel badly about not being able to see you. She would just have said she couldn't. It sounded to me like she really regrets not being able to fit you in this week. And she did offer another session, so she recognizes you might need more time.

--Well, quickly....When I saw her last week, she mentioned the conference but said it was NEXT Friday, not this one. So,either she made a mistake then or she is lying to me now so it looks like she has an excuse not to see me. She's done it before, I've caught her in a lot of little lies like that, so it wouldn't surprise me. So that's why I feel badly, b/c I feel like she has the time (I mean, it's a lousy hour) but doesn't want to "bend" for me anymore. Also, as for her agreeing to the one more session: we never agreed formally that next Tue would be our last session. In fact, she said I could see her through April and we could end in May. Now, all of a sudden, she thought next week was our last session and she may be willing to give me another (her tune changed after I went there the past couple of sessions and did nothing but glare at her). So, I feel like she can't wait to shut and lock the door behind me.

>> I hear so much pain in your post. I wish I could take it away. Losing someone hurts so bad.
> Hugs from me.

--Yeah, it does. :-( Thank you.

Take care.
SV

 

Re: thank you all pinkeye

Posted by pinkeye on April 5, 2005, at 19:44:57

In reply to Re: thank you all shrinking violet, posted by pinkeye on April 5, 2005, at 19:39:28

Just imagine how much of conflicting message that is sending you - One day she is doing the sweetest thing in the world and is making a toy for your cat and letting you know she cares so deeply about you - and within a couple of months, she is telling you she can't even see you for more than one session and she wants to terminate immediately.

It is putting you through extreme difficulty. Any body will have a real hard time coping up with conflicts like that. She should have had little more wisdom and strength.. According to me, what she has done clearly shows her extreme incompetency. I would never ever trust a therapist like that. She means well for you, but clearly has absolutely no idea whatsoever how to go about doing it. Intentions are not good enough. Don't take it on you. I am usually pro - therapist kind of person and I insist on the client taking the responsibility for maintaining a good therapeuic relationship, but in your case, it is so very clear that it is her mistake.

 

Re: Trying doesn't count, I guess... annierose

Posted by shrinking violet on April 5, 2005, at 19:49:14

In reply to Re: Trying doesn't count, I guess..., posted by annierose on April 5, 2005, at 14:32:40

>> If you can, please listen to your wise babble friends. Daisy is so right. You will regret the chance to say "good-bye". Yes, it will be painful, but at least you were able to have the last session. You DO want to see her again, otherwise it wouldn't be so painful.


--I know, you (and everyone here) is right. I need to at least see her for me, so that I'm comfortable with how this ends. I think, all of this time, my therapy focused a lot on her, and even now it's about not making it easy on her, or (conversely) not going back so she won't have to deal with me anymore. But I know if I reacted that way, out of hurt or spite or anger or whatever, I'll regret it later. I still might....Who knows what'll happen, I could go and mess everything up like I'm so famous for and make it all worse (maybe that's what I'm really afraid of)....But in spite of everything, I know she tried, and I know I care about her, and I need to let her know those two things.

Thank you.
SV

 

Re: thank you all pinkeye

Posted by shrinking violet on April 5, 2005, at 20:04:25

In reply to Re: thank you all shrinking violet, posted by pinkeye on April 5, 2005, at 19:39:28

>> But I do think your therapist is incompetent. While she might want to do what is good for you, she ends up hurting you, and that is what I meant when I said your therapist is not a great one.

--True, she does hurt me a lot. So much so now that I'm afraid to see her or read any of her emails. At the same time, my gut reaction is to take the blame for it, for the way I react to her, for the way I cause her to react to me. I so wish I could have done better for her. She is a good T....with the clients she is used to. I think I was out of the scope of her experience.

>> It wasn't bad of her to give your cat a toy.. but she could have had a little bit of wisdom and foresight to see what it would cause you to believe about her - that she is a personal friend, that she cares very much for you, that she will be there for you. And she should have known when she extends herself beyond the limits to be there for a patient like that, it is normal on the patients part to have even more expectations on her.. and that she should be willing to see it all the way through - till the point you are recovered completely. If she was not willing or capable off to go all the way through and is going to drop off in the middle, then trying to extend herself and then pulling back is only going to hurt you. In other words, don't make a promise (explicitly or not) which you cannot keep. By giving your cat a toy, I think she made a huge huge promise to you that she will be there for you, and she is not keeping it now.

--I see what you're saying. I knew she wouldn't always be there for me as a T, because given she is a Uni T, I could only see her until I graduated. So we both knew there would be an ending. In fact, I got a lot more time with her than the school even usually allows, so she hung in there with me when she didn't have to. I think, if there was one major "fault" it was that she never really had any boundaries with me. For some reason, she let me pretty much get away with whatever I wanted from her. And she'd give extra on her own as well. It was confusing, that's true, because I never really knew where I stood with her. Our relationship was never a completely professional one (given the things she would say and do), nor was it in any way really personal. I guess I was hoping, in the end, that she would care about me so much that she wouldn't be able to let me go. But of course that didn't happen. And of course I care for her very deeply, so in a way it's a rejection as well as a double loss. I also think she got some things from me as well.....my T is sensitive, vulnerable and somewhat needy. I think I gave her some of what she needed, as she did me. She has let her issues come into play very often, whether or not she was aware of that I don't know. Obviously this is all very complicated, and I could go on and on and on analyzing us and her and the therapy, but what happened has happened and I need to figure out a way to accept this loss.

Again,thank you. I do agree with you, I hope it doesn't sound like I am "arguing." I guess, too, I feel guilty for causing any negative opinions about my T, b/c you all only have my side and perceptions of things, and none of you have met her (ok, my sis has met her and she says similar things as you.....). It's a dichotomy, a fight between my heart and mind....my mind tells me she screwed up big time and now I'm suffering for it, but my heart knows she tried and knows she did care on some level, and it loves her for it.

Thank you.

SV

 

Re: thank you all shrinking violet

Posted by pinkeye on April 5, 2005, at 20:09:55

In reply to Re: thank you all pinkeye, posted by shrinking violet on April 5, 2005, at 20:04:25

Maybe just understanding that she made a mistake with you, and not making a monster out of her will help you. Even if you blame a person for not doing things correctly, you can still appreciate that atleast she had good intentions. That accounts for a huge deal. By being honest about her mistakes, you are helping yourself move on. But that does not mean, you need to put her down or make a bad person out of her, or even for that matter be angry with her.
By all means, you can continue to feel grateful to her for what she tried to do for you, what she did.. and at the same time acknowledge that she is not very capable of helping you. That will kind of put things in perspective and let you heal and move on without having to either blame you or blame her.


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