Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 476832

Shown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Not at all attached to my new T

Posted by pinkeye on March 28, 2005, at 16:51:24

I have been going to a new T for the last few months (maybe 6).. But the weird thing is I totally am not attached to her.. Not even a little bit. I don't even recall what she was wearing in the session after it is over. And I don't think of her even once.

And she keeps it extremely business like and I am sure she doesn't care personally even a little about me.

But I think she is very good with her view points.

Is it normal to not get attached even a little to a person who spends so much time helping you? It is the exact opposite experience I had with my previous T. I got so extremely attached and used to think about him all the time.. Even now, I think of him as my T really and not her. I have never been so unattached to anyone in my life.. not even to my colleagues. IT is very strange for me.

 

Re: Not at all attached to my new T pinkeye

Posted by messadivoce on March 28, 2005, at 17:18:47

In reply to Not at all attached to my new T, posted by pinkeye on March 28, 2005, at 16:51:24

Well, I guess my question is, does it bother you? You say she's very business like. I guess it would depend on what you are needing her for, but to think that your T doesn't care personally for you at all would be strange for me, at least.

When I changed T's I noticed it took me longer to get attached to her...and even now, I'm like you, as I do think of my first T as my T. But if she's helping you, and it doesn't bother you...then is that good? I mean, we complain about these painful attachments, but when they don't happen, I agree, it can be weird.

 

Re: Not at all attached to my new T messadivoce

Posted by pinkeye on March 28, 2005, at 17:34:09

In reply to Re: Not at all attached to my new T pinkeye, posted by messadivoce on March 28, 2005, at 17:18:47

The thing is, it feels as if she doesn't even exist in my life. I go and see her 50 minutes every week once, and many days, I just tend to oversleep and go a little late. And I am usually looking at the clock many times and I stop it even before the 50 minutes are over. And there was a copy of my insurance card she asked me two weeks back, and I jsut forgot totally all about it after the sesion was over.

But I know she is very good and is effective.. But I am pretty sure she doesn't care a damn about what happens to me. I am more attached to people even on this board than to her. I have never been so unattached and so indifferent to anyone in my life with whom I had significant interaction.

I don't know if it bothers me.. Just something I have started wondering lately. I usually don't even think anything about it.

 

Re: Not at all attached to my new T pinkeye

Posted by Dinah on March 28, 2005, at 19:22:37

In reply to Not at all attached to my new T, posted by pinkeye on March 28, 2005, at 16:51:24

If I had an attachment to a therapist that caused me pain, I think I'd be reluctant to become attached again. I might choose a therapist that I was unlikely to attach to, and I might interpret events in therapy in such a way to minimize attachment. Because it hurts to care and lose.

 

Re: Not at all attached to my new T Dinah

Posted by pinkeye on March 28, 2005, at 19:41:45

In reply to Re: Not at all attached to my new T pinkeye, posted by Dinah on March 28, 2005, at 19:22:37

> If I had an attachment to a therapist that caused me pain, I think I'd be reluctant to become attached again. I might choose a therapist that I was unlikely to attach to, and I might interpret events in therapy in such a way to minimize attachment. Because it hurts to care and lose.

yeah.. I almost avoid any attachment to her like plague.. a few times she tried to pat on my back.. I didn't show any emotion..and I don't ask her anything about her.. I don't want to know anything about her.. I don't want to think she cares and then one day she is going to ask me to stop coming.. and I will be left wondering all the time what did I do wrong and go through this abandoned feeling all over again.. I can't go through it once more and cry again and I can't bear to know ;ater she has been indifferent all along and only I cared. I can't go through it once again.

 

I understand completely (nm) pinkeye

Posted by Dinah on March 28, 2005, at 19:45:24

In reply to Re: Not at all attached to my new T Dinah, posted by pinkeye on March 28, 2005, at 19:41:45

 

Re: Not at all attached to my new T

Posted by pinkeye on March 28, 2005, at 19:53:21

In reply to Re: Not at all attached to my new T pinkeye, posted by Dinah on March 28, 2005, at 19:22:37

I swear, I am not going to even remotely think of getting attached and liking a therapist even a little bit again in my lifetime. It just hurts way too much.. I don't want anybody to care about me and I don't want to care about any body.

 

That is certainly the safest way to live

Posted by Dinah on March 28, 2005, at 19:57:52

In reply to Re: Not at all attached to my new T, posted by pinkeye on March 28, 2005, at 19:53:21

And if safety is your main goal, it's a very wise decision.

But it doesn't seem to leave a lot of room for joy.

(I'm channeling my therapist here. I always say what you're saying, and he always says the above. Geez, ten years of therapy and I don't need him in the room anymore. I can have these conversations completeley in my head.)

 

Re: That is certainly the safest way to live Dinah

Posted by pinkeye on March 28, 2005, at 20:06:56

In reply to That is certainly the safest way to live, posted by Dinah on March 28, 2005, at 19:57:52

What joy is there in liking someone so much and realizing that they don't like you back? That they are just indifferent to you and there is no question of liking or disliking you? How would you feel if a person you cared a lot about come back and told you that? It feels awful - not joyful.

 

Re: That is certainly the safest way to live pinkeye

Posted by Dinah on March 28, 2005, at 20:38:33

In reply to Re: That is certainly the safest way to live Dinah, posted by pinkeye on March 28, 2005, at 20:06:56

I generally choose safety too, Pinkeye.

 

Re: That is certainly the safest way to live Dinah

Posted by pinkeye on March 28, 2005, at 21:00:51

In reply to Re: That is certainly the safest way to live pinkeye, posted by Dinah on March 28, 2005, at 20:38:33

I am just too scared.. it is so hard for your heart to grasp what your brain knows. In my mind I know he couldn't have cared for me possibly.. that I was just a patient, and all he wanted was to help and he was indifferent to me all along. If he had to care about each of his patient and get attached to them in return, it would have made his life hell for him. But in my heart, I keep wishing that somehow I was different.. that he made this exception just once.. and that he liked me and cared for me - not just as a patient, but as a person he knew.. That what I said and chose to share made a difference to him, and not just irrelevant babble. That he liked me too, need not be too much, but atleast a tiny bit. I am not able to take indifference.. it feels almost I am insulted hugely.. that after 2 and a half years of sharing everything, he couldn't bring himself to say that he liked me even a tiny bit. I know he meant well and wanted to help me, and I am not angry with him. I am angry with myself, for being such an irrelevant person. I am so disappointed in myself. I must be the one who is not worth it.

 

Re: Not at all attached to my new T

Posted by pegasus on March 28, 2005, at 21:28:29

In reply to Not at all attached to my new T, posted by pinkeye on March 28, 2005, at 16:51:24

pinkeye, I also feel a lot less attached to my new T than to my old T. My old T moved away, which felt very much like a betrayal. I've been seeing my new T for about a year now. I really don't think about her as a person much at all. I used to be totally obsessed with my old T as a person. I wanted to know everything about him, and everything he said was critically important to me. I'd have conversations in my head with him. It mattered a lot to me what he thought of me. I don't have any of those feelings with my new T.

I've asked them both what they think of this. Basically, they agree that I was so attached to my old T because he was the first person I ever talked to about a lot of secret things. Before I was willing to do that I did a lot of testing of our relationship so I could trust him. That made the relationship very important to me, because I invested a lot of effort into it. And then when I started talking about the big stuff, he helped me contain a lot of that, which no one else in my life ever had. So it was a big hit when he left.

I didn't have to go through all of that with my new T. I had developed some skills in talking about my secret stuff, and I didn't end up doing nearly as much testing of the relationship. And she wasn't the first or only person to know my secrets.

From what you've said, it sounds like you know that you desperately don't want to attach to this new T. You've decided that it's not worth the risk. So, that's got to be part of why you aren't attaching to her. I think we do have some control over our attachments.

What worries me about what you say are the assumptions you have about your old T's feelings. I don't know the story of how you lost him. But it's generally a pretty radical conclusion that a therapist has no feelings for his clients. I think most therapists care very deeply about all of their clients. That has been my experience with friends and acquaintances who are therapists. I don't think it makes their lives hell at all when they care. I think it makes their lives livable. How could you help so many people if you didn't care about any of them? You'd have to be a pretty cynical person.

In my own case, I've been very angry and hurt by my old T moving away. But I've come to see a lot of the things he said and did at the end as evidence that he was really trying to do everything he could to make it easier for me (my evil voice says, ha! easy?! what a laugh). I think it was really difficult for him to leave, even if he didn't talk about that to me (probably because it was his own issue and not part of my therapy).

Have you tried talking to your new T about your lack of attachment to her? I wonder what she might say about it.

Anyway, that's just my perspective. As I said, I don't know your story and it may be a totally different scenario. I hope you are able to get a lot out of your current therapy, regardless of whether you end up attaching to your T more strongly.

pegasus

 

Re: Not at all attached to my new T pegasus

Posted by pinkeye on March 28, 2005, at 22:53:35

In reply to Re: Not at all attached to my new T, posted by pegasus on March 28, 2005, at 21:28:29

That makes a lot of sense.. Thanks pegasus. But I know I am still not at peace with having to leave my old T - though it was a pretty smooth and amicable termination. I am still feeling very rough and somehow abandoned and somehow lost etc etc.. and sometimes very depressed.. I try to go on and do other useful things. It is not always so easy.. like today. Today is a rough day.

And I think that has a huge role to play with my not getting attached to my new T. I think it is much safer this way.. And I genuinely think she is not the type to care about her patients. Knowing that, if I start getting attached to her and think she cares about me, I will be making a big mistake. Anyway, caring has to come from within you.. I can't make myself get attached to her. And she can't either. If that is the way it has to be, so be it. Atleast I am much safer.

I have become very extremely weary of all this involvement in therapy. And I feel like saying
"No thanks I don't want it" even if my new T tries to extend herself. She sometimes tells me I am very smart and all.. but I just dismiss her remarks. and don't take anything personally.

 

Re: Not at all attached to my new T pinkeye

Posted by Tamar on March 29, 2005, at 15:11:59

In reply to Re: Not at all attached to my new T pegasus, posted by pinkeye on March 28, 2005, at 22:53:35

It's so hard to terminate, even when it goes smoothly, that I'm not surprised you're not very attached to your new T. I'm sure your old T was trying to make things easier for you, but it's difficult to believe. If this is 'easier', what would 'harder' look like? My T said something about it being easier for me because I don't know anything about him, and I really felt as if he couldn't imagine how hard it was! Easier? Hah!

Have you tried talking to your T about your lack of attachment? I suspect that if you don't want to raise the subject with her it's because you don't want to be more attached, and perhaps that's all the more reason to talk to her about it. What do you think?

I hope you start to feel a bit better soon.

Tamar

 

Re: Not at all attached to my new T Tamar

Posted by pinkeye on March 29, 2005, at 16:27:39

In reply to Re: Not at all attached to my new T pinkeye, posted by Tamar on March 29, 2005, at 15:11:59

I think I should bring this up with my new T. But I really don't want to have anything to do with her - other than the 45 - 50 minutes every week that I spend with her. And I am not mature enough to handle one more attachment and devastation. I just hate it when I like someone and they are so indifferent to me. and it happens all the time with men for me. If I like them they are indifferent and if they like me, I am indifferent to them. I am just so tired.. and all the relationship with men and extremely hurting at the end. My marriage is going through a difficult time as well, and how much ever I try to adjust for my husband, somehow it is never enough for him. He keeps making more and more demands all the time, and I am just getting very tired and fed up of all relationship with any man. I think I am just going to stay by myself. And my therapis was a really good man, and my husband is a pretty decent guy also.. It is just that somehow I never seem to be able to work anything out decent with any man.

My husband wants to go back to our country and I want to stay here.. and I try to work out some reasonably amiable arrangement but just he is so fixed on his views and I am really tired of putting up with him all the time and adjusting to him. I am just so very tired. I am better off by myself without any man in my life. All they end up causing me is more hurt.

Sorry this doesn't answer your question but I am just rambling and venting out. I am quite down for the past few days.. And I am not thinking straight at all.

 

Re: Not at all attached to my new T pinkeye

Posted by thewrite1 on March 29, 2005, at 16:53:20

In reply to Not at all attached to my new T, posted by pinkeye on March 28, 2005, at 16:51:24

If it doesn't bother you and she's still helping you, I don't see where it's a problem. It almost sounds like you want to be attached to her, but you're afraid? The ideal situation for me would to not be attached to my T. Sometimes it bothers me that I'm so attached, not that she's let me down in a significant way. I just know I'll have to let her go at some point and I can't even bear to think about that now. I guess I figure that part wouldn't be so hard if I wasn't so attached.

 

Re: Not at all attached to my new T thewrite1

Posted by pinkeye on March 30, 2005, at 12:59:51

In reply to Re: Not at all attached to my new T pinkeye, posted by thewrite1 on March 29, 2005, at 16:53:20

Today I saw her.. and what you are saying makes sense. She does help me a lot, and she is not bothered by my indifference, and at the moment, it really seems to work to my advantage. So why bother about it? It will only make it easier for me to leave her later when the time comes, and I won't struggle like I did with my ex T.


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