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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Susan47 on February 14, 2005, at 14:20:14
In reply to Re: He Cared Too much. » Susan47, posted by pinkeye on February 14, 2005, at 13:37:46
I believe they are but I asked my therapist once, if he ever saw a therapist. His answer? No. And a somewhat sheepish look.
I believe he ran into problems with me for precisely that reason.
And if he was lying to me, then that again would be a problem, wouldn't it? In any case, I know he didn't work with what was workable. I'll probably always wonder at the reasons why, when I think about it. The trick is, to not think about it anymore. I have to find a way to lay this to rest, because I don't believe I will ever get the answers from him.
Posted by pinkeye on February 14, 2005, at 14:26:34
In reply to Re: He Cared Too much., posted by Susan47 on February 14, 2005, at 14:20:14
Do I remember right - you asked him to terminate you because you had lot of attachment to him - just after a few sessions right?
Posted by Susan47 on February 14, 2005, at 16:22:07
In reply to Re: He Cared Too much., posted by pinkeye on February 14, 2005, at 14:26:34
Oh dear, my true past catches up with me. How did you remember that? Yes in fact it's something I keep forgetting. I asked him not to allow me to make any more appointments with him because I was having bad thoughts about him. And I was. I didn't trust him. But..
this book I'm reading now is throwing so much light onto me, myself and I.. also onto my therapist. Listen to this "if something big in a relationship is not being talked about (by either patient or therapist), the nothing else of importance will be discussed either."
Posted by Susan47 on February 14, 2005, at 16:26:37
In reply to Re: He Cared Too much., posted by Susan47 on February 14, 2005, at 16:22:07
But regardless of what I said, he did terminate me, and he did refuse to see me anymore. I couldn't possibly go back, I tried and he gave me no choice. So you see, it is more serious than just a request on my part. It was a decision on his. And it was a decision he claimed not to have made until just last week. And even then, it sounds like he's denying even that to himself, it sounds like he just confirmed it in his own mind that not seeing me was the right thing to do. BUt it wasn't. He should've stuck out the therapy with me, and laid down firmer guidlines, like, you need to commit to therapy such-and-so many times at least or I can't help you. His boundaries and his goal-setting both sucked with me. I think his behaviour probably varies greatly between clients .. who knows, I never will. :)
Posted by Susan47 on February 14, 2005, at 16:34:04
In reply to Re: He Cared Too much., posted by Susan47 on February 14, 2005, at 16:26:37
There's a "me" in every chapter of this book... it's very cool... I like that I can see myself in others ...
Posted by pinkeye on February 14, 2005, at 17:01:13
In reply to Re: He Cared Too much., posted by Susan47 on February 14, 2005, at 16:26:37
It is hard for you - I can see it. But sometimes therapists have their own reasons why they make certain decisions - they are human and have lots of limitations themselves - they may not be able to control their feelings 100 %, they may not be able to help certain types of clients etc etc. You will never know the reasons, so the only thing you can do now is to accept that he is a human and probably has made a mistake with you and let it go at that. Can you try to do that instead of troubling yourself about it?
Posted by Susan47 on February 14, 2005, at 17:37:25
In reply to Re: He Cared Too much., posted by pinkeye on February 14, 2005, at 17:01:13
Posted by pinkeye on February 14, 2005, at 18:10:03
In reply to I don't know. I'm very angry. (nm) » pinkeye, posted by Susan47 on February 14, 2005, at 17:37:25
I am very sorry you are hurting so much. Do you have a new T to work on with? Will that help?
Posted by Susan47 on February 14, 2005, at 19:27:53
In reply to Re: I don't know. I'm very angry. » Susan47, posted by pinkeye on February 14, 2005, at 18:10:03
I hope it will help. I believe I'm doing the best I can. I know I am. That's all I can do.
Posted by pinkeye on February 14, 2005, at 19:50:31
In reply to Re: I don't know. I'm very angry., posted by Susan47 on February 14, 2005, at 19:27:53
That is good enough. That is all we can do. Many times feeling better is not completely in our hands.. We can only do our best.
Posted by Susan47 on February 16, 2005, at 17:06:27
In reply to Re: I don't know. I'm very angry., posted by pinkeye on February 14, 2005, at 19:50:31
I don't like myself when I am angry. I don't like not loving people. I want to be loving. I want to be kind, open and understanding. This is hurting me and I need to let it go. Let it go. I will never understand because I will never know. Guessing makes me uncertain, and that makes me unhappy. I can't do it anymore. I can't carry the whole burden of guilt anymore, Dr. W. I don't like what you've done. I wish I liked who you are, but I suspect I might not really. That just has to be okay. I suspect you don't like me, and that has to be okay as well.
Posted by Susan47 on February 16, 2005, at 19:32:27
In reply to Re: I don't know. I'm very angry., posted by Susan47 on February 16, 2005, at 17:06:27
Why can't I get it together? What is the matter with me? Why am I all alone doing this, why did I see this doctor and behave this way, why didn't he show me any redemption, why does he hate me so much, why oh why am I so unbelievably hateful of myself, I hate myself so much I just want to die now. I can't believe yesterday was a good day. :( I am so so sad. I hurt so much. Nobody will ever ever love me or care about me, I'm ugly, I'm obnoxious and I've failed at everything I've ever tried to do. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.
Posted by pinkeye on February 16, 2005, at 19:42:41
In reply to Oh God this hurts so much., posted by Susan47 on February 16, 2005, at 19:32:27
I am very sorry you are hurting so much. You are a very very nice person.. you are just going through a difficult time. We all do. Sometimes we behave very badly ourselves, sometimes we end up getting the worst luck in life.. Hang in there. It will get better. You have helped me so much in my struggle, and I am thankful to you for that. You have helped so many people here in babble, I have looked through your posts.
Sometimes it is difficult to get things together in life. It is just the way life is. It is not all the time fair to everyone. All of us have our own share of unfairness and sometimes we mess up big time ourselves in life. All of us have done things we are extremely ashamed of and embarassed about. We just have to do our best to pick ourselves up and go on. I see a beautiful person in you. Anybody who is willing to change and try and learn is a beautiful person. If not now, tomorrow or the day after or the day after that, you will emerge a happy and cheerful person. Hang in there.
> Why can't I get it together? What is the matter with me? Why am I all alone doing this, why did I see this doctor and behave this way, why didn't he show me any redemption, why does he hate me so much, why oh why am I so unbelievably hateful of myself, I hate myself so much I just want to die now. I can't believe yesterday was a good day. :( I am so so sad. I hurt so much. Nobody will ever ever love me or care about me, I'm ugly, I'm obnoxious and I've failed at everything I've ever tried to do. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.
Posted by Susan47 on February 17, 2005, at 0:06:06
In reply to Re: Oh God this hurts so much., posted by pinkeye on February 16, 2005, at 19:42:41
And then I think no, I won't back down on this one, this is not right. What this therapist did was wrong. I know it in my heart, and sometimes I know it in my head, and then I begin to doubt myself again. Am I crazy?
Posted by Susan47 on February 17, 2005, at 0:24:02
In reply to I just feel so bad, so sad, so guilty, so confused, posted by Susan47 on February 17, 2005, at 0:06:06
Otherwise, why would I have been seeing a therapist? And why would I be posting here at all, or have felt it necessary to dial the same telephone number over and over again, to hear the same voice say the same thing .... is that obsession? It's obsessional certainly. But why? Why does anyone do things like this? Why, somewhere in the deep unconscious, why was it deemed necessary by the mind to behave in this manner? To fill the need in this way, with this voice, at this time, from this person. What is the connecting process, what area of the brain made the decision that this was going to be a need, not a desire... what part of myself needs this acted out in this way, this very public yet lonely forum, and oh my god Susan you are so full of sh*t.
Posted by sunny10 on February 17, 2005, at 11:12:35
In reply to Hah. Well Of Course, posted by Susan47 on February 17, 2005, at 0:24:02
you're just grieving, and that's perfectly natural and not crazy at all.
If you do a web seach on the stages of grief, you will see what I mean. Grief is about all sorts of deaths, including the death of a hope or a dream of "what might have been".
You are not crazy at all.
Big kisses and big hugs,
sunny10
Posted by 10derHeart on February 17, 2005, at 12:47:59
In reply to Re: not full of sh*t » Susan47, posted by sunny10 on February 17, 2005, at 11:12:35
Susan,
I totally agree with sunny. You are not "crazy", whatever that bizarre, vague and sometimes creepy word even means ANYWAY!! She has a good point about the stages of grief. I am there also, and new T. tells me regularly it's quite normal and human, and he'd be dismayed if I didn't feel all these things, and most importantly, ALLOW myself to feel them intensely.
Keep on venting woman, what better place....?
Posted by sunny10 on February 17, 2005, at 13:34:55
In reply to Re: not full of sh*t, posted by 10derHeart on February 17, 2005, at 12:47:59
maybe she'll listen to you....
(wink wink nudge nudge, Susan!!!!!!!)
Posted by pinkeye on February 17, 2005, at 14:12:25
In reply to Hah. Well Of Course, posted by Susan47 on February 17, 2005, at 0:24:02
Hi Susan,
From what I understood from your posts, you are conflicted so much - between holding your therapist in a pedestal and at the same time realizing that he did a horrible mistake with you.
I think you probably have a need to hold him in high regards and want to, yet at the same time cannot get over the feeilng that he did something really wrong with you..and you seem to swing between the two ends - think of him highly on one end and on the other end realizing he made such a big mistake and get confused yourself.
Maybe you should try to look at things from a more realistic perspective... that might help. Nobody in this world is either completely good or completely bad. Everybody is in a range from 0 - 100 on this scale, and that too everybody is not on a fixed level all the time. Sometimes we are close to 0 when we end up doing really horrible things and sometimes we are close to 100 when we go out of the way to reach out and help others and carry them through.
You therapist is probably swinging between these scales himself.. sometimes he does horrible things in life himself. And sometimes he probably does extraordinarily good things. Maybe he did something really bad with you, but maybe he has done something extremely good with other patients. Don't try to judge him too much, that would not help you move past this anger and hurt. Maybe you have difficulty accepting that he might have a dark side in life himself and going through his own struggles and disappointments and frustrations in life.I am not sure if my post brings you relief, I am trying to say what I can understand to my best. IF it helps you, take it for what it is worth. If it doesn't, leave it.
Posted by Susan47 on February 17, 2005, at 14:52:14
In reply to Re: Hah. Well Of Course » Susan47, posted by pinkeye on February 17, 2005, at 14:12:25
Everything you say helps, pinkeye.
I'm having a very very bad day. I have an exam tonight and I'm panicked, I can't think straight, I don't know why I can't get it together, I'm lonely and sad and feeling very very abandoned by the world, my new T is unavailable, I don't want to see the counsellor because he wasn't helping, I can't talk to my friends in this mood because I really dont' want to talk about myself but it's me that's the problem, I need to be seeing a therapist, that's why I post so much, i'm trying so hard to help myself and i'm just being a fool, everything I say is crap i'm so open and i think people probably laugh at me because of it but I can't help it because can't you all see i'm trying to work this through, I'm trying to help myself and work this out. God I wish i could start therapy all over again with someone who wasn't scared of me, someone who had all his issues worked out and could walk the walk with me and make me stay on the path, not let me veer away when i got scared.
Posted by sunny10 on February 17, 2005, at 14:54:58
In reply to Re: Hah. Well Of Course » pinkeye, posted by Susan47 on February 17, 2005, at 14:52:14
don't let the emotional side "win"... you go to that test and blow 'em away !!
I know you can do it!!!
Posted by pinkeye on February 17, 2005, at 15:19:11
In reply to Re: Hah. Well Of Course » pinkeye, posted by Susan47 on February 17, 2005, at 14:52:14
Can you try taking one step at a time? Make up your mind to deal with one issue only today, telling yourself that you will deal with the rest of the issues tomorrow. That helps me get through difficult times when there are too many issues that I am trying to solve and can't seem to start anywhere. Write down somewhere what things you need to sort out in your life now, then figure out what needs the most urgent attention today. IF you have an exam, just do that alone today and promise yourself that after this exam gets done, you will look into the other issues in life. Trying to attemtp to solve too many issues at one shot usually leaves us nowhere and we feel overwhelemed. Take little little steps and slowly everything will fall into place.
Posted by Susan47 on February 17, 2005, at 15:34:08
In reply to Re: You are smart » Susan47, posted by sunny10 on February 17, 2005, at 14:54:58
Oh Sunny, it used to be that easy for me. It just isn't anymore. :(
And the irony of it all is that when it WAS easy for me, I was too insecure to notice. I never realized that I never had to study for anything seriously, because I never took anything seriously.
Now that I do, I've lost the ability to concentrate; in fact, I honestly know that I never did have it. But it's worse now. Much worse.
I have a friend who does things like I do. I mean, she's always losing things and leaving things behind, forgetting what she was doing just now, that sort of thing. She's the first person I ever met in real life who's like me. And she sees faeries, real ones. Oh dear oh god.
Posted by Susan47 on February 17, 2005, at 15:36:12
In reply to Re: Hah. Well Of Course » Susan47, posted by pinkeye on February 17, 2005, at 15:19:11
SORT? Did you say Sort? "Sort"... like, as in, identify and categorize? HAHAHahahahahaha.
Posted by Susan47 on February 17, 2005, at 15:42:12
In reply to Re: Hah. Well Of Course » Susan47, posted by pinkeye on February 17, 2005, at 14:12:25
The exam. Yes, the biggie. And I would be in much better shape to study for that baby if I hadn't had those two puffs just now, and the bit of green cookie. But my spirits have un-flagged, unfurled themselves, shall we say.
But your post, Pinkeye, I printed it out. I love your advice and I'm going to take it. As soon as my head stops spinning and I stop wanting to close my eyes and oh yes that rock that's between my shoulder blades, the one that's been there for a week, the pain in my shoulders that is un-easable, the one that gave me a two-day headache last week and threatens to overwhelm me again ever since, that, what do I do about that? I have to see a massage therapist but I don't have the energy to pick up the phone, I'm afraid to talk to anyone lest they see my real spiritual condition reflected there, somewhere, in my words.
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