Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 453758

Shown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

question to girls,re: sex (***TRIGGER***)

Posted by B2Chica on February 5, 2005, at 19:27:55

ok, this is a sensitive question- both my asking and those reading. and i caution all those for most likely trigger.
you would think at my age i should know this answer. and i should...i think i do. but i don't. i need to ask it and i just Can't do it with my current T.(other story).
well, the last couple times i've had sex with my husband (which has not been often-once in december and the time before was last august...yes, my poor hubby...but) both times it's hurt (a lot). more than it usually does, to be descriptive it hurt the entire duration.
it's made me question...and really need to ask ya'lls opinion.

i guess my question to the girls is...does sex always hurt a little?
-for me it always does, but it's always at the 'beginning'. my hubby is very considerate and learned very quickly that we can't..."get off to a quick start", he has to enter very slowly and start/stay slow for a bit till it stops hurting. but the last two times it's hurt the duration
and i just need to ask this, cuz i'm now thinking that well, that the pain is connected to...well..."past" issues that i'm not 'dealing with'.
of course that would be a logical conclusion, but maybe...well, i just wanted to know from others who understand....is it cuz i'm too tense? is it just the way i'm made? is it partly psychological?
does it always hurt a little?

if this were anywhere else but babble i would feel completely humiliated and like a complete idiot. i hope i don't sound like one.
b2c.

 

Re: sex B2Chica

Posted by alexandra_k on February 5, 2005, at 20:04:32

In reply to question to girls,re: sex (***TRIGGER***), posted by B2Chica on February 5, 2005, at 19:27:55

In my experience it tends to hurt a bit more if I haven't done it in a while.

It tends to be a bit uncomfortable right at the start, like you said. Can be painful if it is a bit rushed (in terms of how ready I am) and also how much of a hurry they seem to be in. I found the way around that is to be on top for a little while first to have complete control of entry and pace so that it isn't painful or uncomfortable at all. Then when I am getting into it they can have a turn and it isn't painful or uncomfortable any more.

So I guess my answer would be no. I don't think that it has to hurt at all..

(You know I wouldn't be discussing this anywhere but here either...)


 

Re: sex

Posted by Annierose on February 5, 2005, at 20:25:01

In reply to Re: sex B2Chica, posted by alexandra_k on February 5, 2005, at 20:04:32

It shouldn't hurt B2Chica. It should be pleasurable. But if intimacy is an issue for you, it could be something to discuss w/T. Also, maybe your hubby needs to wait a little longer before (you know), so you get warmed up! I have different issues w/sex and it took a lot of courage (and time) to finally talk about them and it helped a great deal. I let my T know I needed to talk about something that was difficult. It took about 2 - 3 weeks of talking around the issue before I was finally able to get it out! And she could not of been more supportive, and made some excellent comparisons to other areas of my life. Now the issue isn't resolved 100% but I opened the door and feel better about discussing things with my husband. It's a long road, but worth it. BTW, there are some good lubicants on the market (at any drugstore).

 

Re: sex

Posted by daisym on February 5, 2005, at 20:48:57

In reply to Re: sex, posted by Annierose on February 5, 2005, at 20:25:01

I agree with Annie, you can talk about it in therapy and probably should, given your issues. I said, "I need to talk about sex and want to but it is really hard for me. So next time, please ask me about it." And then I left in a hurry. So he brought it up and we had a couple of great discussions, even though I bet I was red half the time.

Your issues could definitely cause you to have pain. I experience things somatically all the time. I find being on top more painful, so everyone is very different. Try a variety of things. Does your husband know what happened to you and that it effects you? (Mine doesn't.) If you can talk to him, great. I understand if you can't.

I have been having a much harder time in this area the past 4 months because I'm aware of how I feel and I'm not able to dissociate as much. Plus the memories are really open and flashbacks occur. Talking about all of it in therapy has been critically important.

Be careful of pushing yourself and don't beat up on yourself for what you think you should feel or be able to do. The aftermath of all these confusing feelings for me is middle of the night melt down and suicidal thoughts. Again, I tell my therapist all of this and that keeps it manageable. He says, "this isn't good for you but I know you feel like you have to do this" and we brainstorm from there. It helps that I have someone who undertands my conflict.

If there ever was an issue to talk about in therapy, this is it!

Believe me, I know how hard it is. Take care of yourself.

 

Re: question to girls,re: sex (***TRIGGER***) B2Chica

Posted by ghost on February 5, 2005, at 22:05:52

In reply to question to girls,re: sex (***TRIGGER***), posted by B2Chica on February 5, 2005, at 19:27:55

b2c,

could there be a physical reason for the pain? is everything a-okay from a physical standpoint?

although i think you might be right. i think it could be body memories. i hope you can open up to your T and talk about it, but I certainly understand that could seem impossible right now. (I'm avoiding that issue myself these days.)

*hugs*
ghost

 

Re: question to girls,re: sex (***TRIGGER***)

Posted by Emily Elizabeth on February 6, 2005, at 0:11:36

In reply to question to girls,re: sex (***TRIGGER***), posted by B2Chica on February 5, 2005, at 19:27:55

Is it possible that this discomfort could be related to current issues, such as your relationship w/ your husband? I'm struck by how infrequently you have sex. Is your relationship okay? Could some couples counseling help you out?

Of course I don't know enough about you and your husband to say that this is the case for you, but I thought that I'd put it out there in case it helps.

Best,
EE

 

Re: question to girls,re: sex (***TRIGGER***)

Posted by anastasia56 on February 6, 2005, at 0:34:03

In reply to Re: question to girls,re: sex (***TRIGGER***), posted by Emily Elizabeth on February 6, 2005, at 0:11:36

several good points have been brought up in some of the response threads you've received.

do you have a low sex drive and therefore the long spells between sex? or is it something else?

it's a documented fact that there can be physical causes for discomfort during sex. some women clamp down with their vaginal wall muscles. this has occured to the extreme in some cases making it very hard for the man to remove himself. obviously there are milder forms which cause you discomfort and not him. there is an actual term for this which escapes me at the moment.

the other good point brought up is that with the amount of time between sexual 'escapades' you practically go back to 'virgin' status. everything has to stretch out again, so to speak.

ana

 

Re: question to girls,re: sex (***TRIGGER***) B2Chica

Posted by crushedout on February 6, 2005, at 1:53:19

In reply to question to girls,re: sex (***TRIGGER***), posted by B2Chica on February 5, 2005, at 19:27:55


Intercourse has often hurt for me a lot. It depends a lot on my level of arousal, the position, the partner, etc. and it varies. I think it could be anatomical but my doctor says I'm as big as anyone down there, so maybe it is just that I tense up. Or don't get aroused enough. I bet this is not a very uncommon problem among women, whether they have a history of abuse or not (I guess I sort of do).

 

Re: question to girls,re: sex (***TRIGGER***) B2Chica

Posted by Shortelise on February 6, 2005, at 12:26:26

In reply to question to girls,re: sex (***TRIGGER***), posted by B2Chica on February 5, 2005, at 19:27:55

Lubrication. You could try something synthetic, like astroglide or there are some capsule type things from the pharmacy.

ShortE

 

Re: question /the term is....

Posted by 10derHeart on February 6, 2005, at 14:06:31

In reply to Re: question to girls,re: sex (***TRIGGER***), posted by anastasia56 on February 6, 2005, at 0:34:03

...vaginismus.

I couldn't think of it either, so I checked it out on the Web. Here's some pretty informative links.

http://www.womenshealth.org/a/vaginismus_what_is.htm

www.vaginismus.com

I agree with everyone so far. It absolutely does not have to hurt, and should not. But maybe the first thing is to determine physical vs. psychological cause. Although that might not be as easy as it sounds. Good luck, and I'm gald you felt like you could post this.

Gotta love the frankness and helpfulness of Babblers! :-)

10derheart(aka geeky Internet research addict)

 

Re: question /the term is....

Posted by alexandra_k on February 6, 2005, at 16:25:20

In reply to Re: question /the term is...., posted by 10derHeart on February 6, 2005, at 14:06:31

Um, thats spasiming. Thats a certain kind of disorder that may or may not be the problem.

I did a google yesterday on

"sexual dysfunction" female

And there is lots of stuff. There is a specific form of that which is pain.

Most said that it was worth trying to rule out physical causes (some physical stuff can result in pain) but that it can also be psychological too...

Talking to your t may be your best bet.

 

Re: sex (***TRIGGER***) - Warning Graphic B2Chica

Posted by Dinah on February 6, 2005, at 18:32:11

In reply to question to girls,re: sex (***TRIGGER***), posted by B2Chica on February 5, 2005, at 19:27:55

Ok, I'm going to be graphic here.

I've got the same problem, but it's been a problem from day one and has never not been a problem. I was looking forward to childbirth just because I figured after a head went through, anything else wouldn't hurt at all. So naturally I had a C-Section.

I lost my virginity late in life, and my hymen was probably tough as old shoe leather. At any rate, my latest gyn says that I have a small remnant of hymen left, and she thinks that's the cause of the pain. She wants to do outpatient surgery on it. I have the sneaking suspicion that while she's there, she'll probably do some stretching or snipping or something to ensure that the problem will be solved. Because no other gyn has ever mentioned it, and I know I clench, I'm not convinced that her theory of the remnant is correct. No amount of lubricant (and we really should buy stock in the stuff) eases the problem sufficiently to make it unpainful.

I'm sure that it's a combination of physical and psychological problems in my case. Not least of which because I really don't want the procedure done. I'm lucky, because my husband is opposed to general anaesthesia for elective surgery, so he's not pushing me to get it done.

 

Re: question to girls,re: sex (***TRIGGER***) B2Chica

Posted by rainbowbrite on February 6, 2005, at 23:49:33

In reply to question to girls,re: sex (***TRIGGER***), posted by B2Chica on February 5, 2005, at 19:27:55

I have the same problem, I am now pretty sure my problem is related to trauma. I was told that this is a very common response for people who experienced a trauma, Ive never not experienced pain (im understanding that you have undealt with trauma as well?).
My first thought when I read your post was that maybe something recently has triggered you and therefore your body is reacting in the fight or flight mode. This is something that I think if you can, I know its really hard, but I would really try to get out with T (i haven't yet). I am so glad you asked the question, it is helping me to read responses as well. I don't really have any great advice or anything but I wanted you to know that you are NOT alone.

rain

 

Re: question /the term is.... alexandra_k

Posted by 10derHeart on February 7, 2005, at 1:31:23

In reply to Re: question /the term is...., posted by alexandra_k on February 6, 2005, at 16:25:20

Didn't mean to suggest I'd thoroughly googled the broader problem (which is a great idea, btw).

Just that I thought that this was the term that anastasia56 was thinking of in her post.

 

Re: question to girls,re: sex (***TRIGGER***)

Posted by Miss Honeychurch on February 7, 2005, at 8:34:25

In reply to question to girls,re: sex (***TRIGGER***), posted by B2Chica on February 5, 2005, at 19:27:55

I think there are a lot of reasons other than psychological why this would hurt.

1. Are you properly lubricated? If not, all that friction will be very painful. If it is hard for you to lubricate naturally, try some KY jelly or lubricated condoms.

2. Exactly WHERE does it hurt? If it hurts somewhat in your lower abdomen, you may have an ovarian cyst.

And the more you do it, the less it will hurt over time. A sort of "use it or lose it" type thing.

I am wondering if you feel turned on though? Is there a problem in that department?

 

Sorry (nm) 10derHeart

Posted by alexandra_k on February 7, 2005, at 13:15:57

In reply to Re: question /the term is.... alexandra_k, posted by 10derHeart on February 7, 2005, at 1:31:23

 

Re: Sorry/No need to be. No problem. ;) (nm) alexandra_k

Posted by 10derHeart on February 7, 2005, at 16:46:14

In reply to Sorry (nm) 10derHeart, posted by alexandra_k on February 7, 2005, at 13:15:57

 

Re: question /the term is....

Posted by B2Chica on February 8, 2005, at 11:34:21

In reply to Re: question /the term is...., posted by alexandra_k on February 6, 2005, at 16:25:20

Wow. thank you all so much for this great feedback. (only at babble huh.)

-my hubby doens't know about past issues, i think when we first dated i mentioned (while we were drunk) about a possible...r*** incident but know i didn't detail, and don't even know if he remembers. and he knows NOTHING of the rest. and i want to keep it that way.
not sure if it is a physical thing or not. i have my regular obgyn appt in may i'll ask then.
i don't think it's a lubricant thing cuz...(to get graphic)my hubby works pretty hard to get me...(blush) 'wet'. and i'm usually quite there, but..well, it's like it's 'stretching something'. gosh this is bad. i'm not sure how else to explain it-kinda like a brand new package-feels the same way.
our relationship is ok, but could be better. sex is infrequent cuz 1) my depression was so bad last year, plus s. attempt and hiding SI 2)sometimes do have problems with 'not in the mood'. almost all last year. depression was so bad, medication issues, hospitilizations, S. attemps, SI was bad, therapy was bad...etc.

the other good point brought up is that with the amount of time between sexual 'escapades' you practically go back to 'virgin' status. everything has to stretch out again, so to speak. this is kinda what i was wondering...
this is interesting to know...thanks ana
vaginismus....interesting. thanks 10derheart

wow, dinah, i've never heard of having any remnants left (so it's true you CAN 'sort of' be a virgin????!) seriously though, i'm sorry you have this pain. and i hope you just make the right decision for you...

hi rain...wow. thank you for your comments. and yes, it really...Really helps to know that i am not alone...especially with something like this. when i saw all your responses..you just don't know how comforting/relieved i felt.

and i do need to talk with my t but my T is another story. The Great news is the one i liked and clicked with i Finally heard back from him...he's back but not seeing patients till march (have appt second week in march) till then i'm seeing this lady and as you all know i have 'issues' with trust and women, and everytime i go to her this wall just shoots right up. i can talk about somethings but others...well, i've tried and either she doesn't understand and i spend most of my time explaining my feeling instead of the incident (where as this guy just 'got it- we had acutal conversations).
it's just different. but i thought maybe i could open up with sexual issues with the woman better...absolutely not. but i think that's a whole other can of worms...
anyway.
i just can't thank you all enough. i can't wait till march to see Great guy. and
i've been talking about my marriage and hubby/work with T now and since that is an issue. it's good.

Thanks.
and Special thanks to Dr.BOB....AGAIN....for this place.
it helps me to live a better life.
b2c.

 

(((B2chica))) Me too. (nm)

Posted by Susan47 on February 8, 2005, at 13:01:17

In reply to Re: question /the term is...., posted by B2Chica on February 8, 2005, at 11:34:21

 

Re: thanks (nm) B2Chica

Posted by Dr. Bob on February 8, 2005, at 22:33:22

In reply to Re: question /the term is...., posted by B2Chica on February 8, 2005, at 11:34:21


This is the end of the thread.


Show another thread

URL of post in thread:


Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ


[dr. bob] Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD, dr-bob@uchicago.edu

Script revised: October 4, 2007
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-08 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.