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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2chica on July 2, 2004, at 21:15:42
GG & daisy!
i didn't chicken out.
can't thank all you enough for listening to me rant and still giving me such support.
my good friend gave me a little object of his that i could hang on to when i went today. it helped. i stared at it the entire time. i don't think i looked up at my T once not even at the beginning. i walked him through step by step how it happened.
he didn't say too much, just enough, in just the right places, asked a few questions to clarify...i liked that, it helped me continue.
but it did take the entire session for me to get through it all. (it's a two part-er).
He used the word that i think we may argue about for a while, i still don't think the first part(time) it can be classified as r*** (see can't even say it). but the second incident was oral and painful-he was rough and hurting me so i'm pretty sure it was. I am so exhausted. i came home and bawled and screamed into my pillow (as someone here suggested...thanks) cuz that helped.I told him he's the first person i've told all this to, i mean Really tell. i've only talked about this twice before, once in a very vague way to a friend cuz i was worried about her getting in a similar situation. and to a guy i was dating (again-vague). we were both drunk and i don't even know that he heard me.(he's now my husband).
I feel exhausted and sick to my stomach, but i feel really glad that i told him (myT). i feel real glad i got it out. Thing is, i think he thinks this is it-this is the reason i cut and now we can work on getting better. but this is the tip of the iceberg. i have other disturbing experiences that string back to i think me being 7 or 8. so i know i have a LOT more of these days ahead...i can't even think about that...that makes me want to stop. i'm not sure what my next step (experience) to share is, but i have a feeling i'll be putting his kids through college.i don't know what i'd do without babble.
Thank YOU!
i love you all SO much. you just will NEVER know how much each of your responses help me.
b2c.
Posted by DaisyM on July 2, 2004, at 21:29:01
In reply to didn't chicken out, posted by B2chica on July 2, 2004, at 21:15:42
I am so proud of you. It moves me to tears. I know it was hard, and painful but IT HAD TO GET OUT. It was clawing its way, which you know.
As far as labeling what happened, that is just another step. I actually talked with my therapist about what to call it...I hate the word incest, rape is worse, molestation seemed wrong too...we use abuse. It encompasses more and doesn't make me wince as bad, for whatever reason. I find I often still refer to things as "what happened when I was a kid." I don't think that it will ever be easy to talk about, whatever word we settle on. Prepare yourself a little for that. When they say it back to you, it can feel like a slap the first few times. Just someone else saying it out loud and knowing....
You are rightfully exhausted. Give yourself a break and rest some. I know you have this huge party. Be careful with alcohol, you are pretty fragile, whether you feel it or not. It isn't uncommon to shut completely down either, so if it is hard to get restarted next week, don't worry.
Here is a really big, really hard hug from me.
You earned it.
Posted by gardenergirl on July 2, 2004, at 21:41:44
In reply to Re: didn't chicken out » B2chica, posted by DaisyM on July 2, 2004, at 21:29:01
I'm so glad for you. I know that was hard. You are so brave. And Daisy gives some really really good advice, so I can't say that I have anything to add. Just take extra special care of yourself.
Please take this at the pace that feels right for you. It may feel like it opened the floodgates, and that might be the best way to handle it. But work with your T on how to contain this as much as possible between sessions. Whether it's using an object like your friend gave (what a great and thoughtful idea!), screaming into a pillow like you did, going to your safe place, getting a massage, meditating, doing yoga, cuddling a pet, etc.
I just want to say again how brave I think you are.
((B2C))
gg
Posted by B2chica on July 2, 2004, at 22:12:42
In reply to Re: didn't chicken out » B2chica, posted by DaisyM on July 2, 2004, at 21:29:01
>>...When they say it back to you, it can feel like a slap the first few times. Just someone else saying it out loud and knowing....
Exactly!
it was like a slap when he said that word...and i just keep comparing it to what you see in movies...there was no gun, not a stranger jumping me in the ally and i didn't end up in the hospital. that i have no right to call it this. i just have been struggling with this for so long... i really feel like i have some adjusting to do from today, like it doesn't quite seem real, almost...kinda numb or overwhelmed, i don't know??But where there's one there's 20 others (isn't that what they say about roaches?)....Just get done with one real big breakthrough and feel like i have a hundred more coming at me even faster now.
Next, i need to take a look at some of the other disturbing memories (with other people) throughout my life and find a way to get these out as well. Some i'm so utterly disgusted with the visuals, at this time i don't think i'll ever get it out...but i guess for 15 years i didn't think i'd ever get what i said today out either. I guess, just time right?> You are rightfully exhausted. Give yourself a break and rest some. I know you have this huge party. Be careful with alcohol, you are pretty fragile, whether you feel it or not. It isn't uncommon to shut completely down either, so if it is hard to get restarted next week, don't worry.
Thank You, this is some great words of wisdom that i needed to hear. You're wonderful DaisyM.
and i think i'm headed home to crash.(had to come to work to get online)
> Here is a really big, really hard hug from me.
> You earned it.Daisy, i REALLY needed this. THANK YOU
(((((((Daisy)))))))))ps- Hope you have a Wonderful 4th.
B2c.
Posted by B2chica on July 2, 2004, at 22:16:53
In reply to Re: didn't chicken out, posted by gardenergirl on July 2, 2004, at 21:41:44
I'm so glad you both were On tonight!
i just wrote a post before i saw your reply gg, so want to give you special hugs.
(((((((((((GardenGirl)))))))))))
you have just been...Incredible.
Thank you, your support has been priceless. (and i MEAN THAT...Priceless!)
Thank YOU!
B2c.-have Great 4th weekend!
Posted by gardenergirl on July 2, 2004, at 22:29:36
In reply to Re: didn't chicken out, posted by B2chica on July 2, 2004, at 22:16:53
I'm glad I could help, sweetie. For what it's worth, it took me a long time to say the word as well. Because there was no violence, no weapon, etc., and I knew him. Just wanted to let you know, I can relate to the struggle to put words to what happened.
Enjoy the long weekend as best you can right now.
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on July 7, 2004, at 8:10:45
In reply to Re: didn't chicken out » B2chica, posted by gardenergirl on July 2, 2004, at 22:29:36
B2C,
How are you doing? I hope you had some fun over the weekend. Just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you.gg
Posted by B2chica on July 7, 2004, at 11:20:19
In reply to Checking in, posted by gardenergirl on July 7, 2004, at 8:10:45
Thank You for caring GG.
i'm better and worse.
i had an ok weekend-"just ok" mostly cuz ALL the people. 6 spent the night but luckily my husband took them out for a couple hours monday and that gave me some "down" time. i curled up in bed and just layed there thinking of my friday session.
-i LOVED the fireworks. we had them going off all around us it felt like we were in a battle field...(kinda like i feel inside with myself)so it was comforting. then there was a 300 missle bty (the kind that scream out one by one then gradually all shoot off together...they were SCREAMING so loud i leaned back and smiled! They were doing what i wanted to do, i was screaming inside...they were SO LOUD!!! i felt like it was me now...screaming for what happened, screaming about my session, about how long i've waited, about the fear of the "now what"...just everything! it was so very cathartic.the session friday was hard but i didn't take my eyes off the little object my friend gave me i sat with my knees to my chin and held my legs tight and said it all...step by step.
-I'm glad i did. I had my session this morning. it was ok i guess. he started off by talking about it and all i wanted to do was change the subject. he wanted to know what i would have done differently if i could have...i started rambling on about 100 different things, one of them was saying different things some to the guy but some to my friend, he wanted to role play he was my friend and it did something wierd to me. i felt wierd like i wanted to scream ABSOLUTELY NOT!! i felt mad and hurt or something, like i DID NOT want to go back there...ya that's it...i just didn't want to go back to that situation. (thanks, i'll have to remember to tell him that cuz he asked me what i was thinking at that point when i started to shut down and i didn't know how to explain it).Sorry my responses always end up being Books.
but one more thing...after last friday he started to talk about my cutting and how to stop it, and it felt like (well he's done his job getting that out now let's stop the cutting and we'll be through) so i didn't/couldn't tell him there's so much more. well today when he KEPT DWELLING on my stopping cutting i told him i STILL wasn't going to stop and he kept kind of pushing so i said it, i said I'll stop cutting if you can tell me how to stop all these visuals. there was a long pause and he asked are they of what we've already talked about or things you haven't said yet. I was already starting to shut down cuz i thought i said too much and just sat there, but saved by the bell my time was up so he asked when he see's me again and i got up and said next tues.
and we were done.but i was reading daisy's disucssions up above and shadows made some comments that set me off this morning and i read that and just started bawling...the part about the visuals/flashbacks. i NEED to stop them...i CAN'T live like this, i can handle life for now like this but if i know i'll life the rest of my life with these SICK visuals poping up a couple times each day i'll take my life right now cuz this is NOT an option for me.
but my next appt. is next tues, so i guess this is where i say...stay tuned for next week's edition of...the pathetic and untrusting, Sponsored by: Nobody cares.
(but you have shown you care and i am VERY grateful for that. thank you GG-you are fantastic.)
Enough about my woes, how are you? did you ever get a new car?b2c.
Posted by antigua on July 7, 2004, at 12:56:43
In reply to Re: Checking in » gardenergirl, posted by B2chica on July 7, 2004, at 11:20:19
I'm just barging in here, but in my case the visuals start to settle down, they really do. It's hard now, I know, but I PROMISE you they will settle down as you get further along. That stupid saying about how it has to get worse before it gets better--it definitely works that way for me. I still see them a lot, but it's more manageable now.
Hang in there,
antigua
Posted by gardenergirl on July 7, 2004, at 20:41:04
In reply to Re: Checking in » gardenergirl, posted by B2chica on July 7, 2004, at 11:20:19
What a great description of the fireworks! I'm glad you got to enjoy them in a way that was helpful to you.
And I'm so glad you were able to talk more with your T. I'm sure it was hard. What a big step. Good for you.
I did get a new car. It's a Hyundai. I'm so happy to have a new car, now. It's a fun little car to drive, and it's deep blue. Yeah!
Take care,
gg
Posted by daisym on July 7, 2004, at 23:55:47
In reply to Re: Checking in » gardenergirl, posted by B2chica on July 7, 2004, at 11:20:19
B2C,
You are doing the hard work that needs to be done. You have been very brave and I am so proud that you could talk to your therapist about all this.
Please remember that everyone's experience is different. You are not "stuck" with these flashbacks forever. It is true that they will surface uninvited. But it is also true that if you allow yourself to feel the feelings, grieve what happened, essentially "deal with it" they will calm down. That doesn't mean you forget them. And you can be triggered. But the intensity eases off so it isn't so overwhelming.
I'm sorry to say that there is no way to turn these painful memories into happy ones. They will always be painful and sad. But it is the amount of pain and how pervasive the sadness is that gets better.
And as far as the cutting goes, your Therapist is most likely concerned about your health and safety. It is a behavior that is serving a purpose and needs to be replaced gradually when you are ready.
Take is slow. This is a hard time, when you are letting it all out finally. Be nice to yourself. Be as honest as you can with your Therapist. It is the only way to get through it all.
Posted by B2chica on July 8, 2004, at 11:48:42
In reply to Re: Checking in » B2chica, posted by daisym on July 7, 2004, at 23:55:47
thank you all SOOOOO Much for your great support. I am still feeling a little "wobbly" but i'm glad i had two sessions fairly close together. i think that really helped things. and i'm Really glad now that i've gotten one Major "episode" out. But i just want to focus on this for now and worry about the "others" later, for now i'd like to just push them down a little longer. i'd like to just take one at a time...hope my T agrees.
Maybe now i can go back to giving some support on these boards instead of just taking it. I just have felt so weak and helpless these last couple of weeks. i don't know how to thank you all.
Your the Best!
Love
b2c.
This is the end of the thread.
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