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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LG04 on July 2, 2004, at 3:06:02
Hi, well I had my last session with my therapist yesterday (last session for at least two months since i am going on vacation...don't know if i am returning to this country or not, don't know if this is "termination" of therapy or just a break).
The session was okay, I cried a lot, we didn't do much but just listen to me cry and try to help me deal with the pain of leaving her. She told me what she'd miss about me and she gave me a little present (a stuffed plastic animal that she used for herself when she is anxious, it's like a little bean bag doll that you can play with when you're stressed, she wanted me to have it). Right now I am so angry I feel like throwing it against the wall.
This morning I am totally paralyzed. I feel like I cannot get on that plane tomorrow morning. There is a very primitive part of me, even pre-verbal I think, that is 100% dependent upon my therapist. Not the adult me, not even younger me's, but this very very young me. I don't even think I realized how intense this was. My therapist definitely didn't and I am pissed at her for it. I feel like we did not address this part of me.
This part of me feels literally that she cannot live without my therapist. She feels like she is totally losing her. Nothing consoles her. She just needs to see her once/twice a week. She needs to know she is there. Knowing I can call my therapist doesn't help. It's not the same. This part of me feels that my therapist is now dead. Nothing helps. I don't know what to do.
I just called my therapist (I am leaving tomorrow morning) to discuss this with her. I am very angry at my therapist (maybe wrongly so?) because I feel like we did not at all deal with this primitive, pre-verbal part of me. My therapist dealt more with the adult part of me in dealing with this separation. It was more CBT kinds of stuff. Which is helpful for some parts of me but not this totally dependent part of me.
We did discuss the dependency a few times but agreed that it was too big of a thing to try to deal with in the month or so remaining before I'd leave, that we'd start dealing with it long-term when I came back. But then I started to understand that I might not come back (except to pack up my things and move back to America) which again left us no time to deal with this dependency thing. I don't think my therapist gets how intense and primitive it is, and how life-sustaining she feels to me.
Do you all have any advice? Am I right to be so angry at my therapist (or am I being so angry because it helps me with separation...this is something i commonly do...get angry before a separation)? Shouldn't we have addressed this more, and explored this baby part of me that is totally dependent upon her? I feel that she was negligent towards me. I feel that she has left me alone to deal with this part of me. I feel like she is off the hook because I am leaving and now what I am supposed to do?
What do I do with this part of me? I feel like I have no idea how to help her. She doesn't want me. She just wants my therapist, she just wants to see her regularly and know she is there. That's okay when it's an ongoing therapy relationship and you are working thru it, little by little. But in my situation, where I am leaving for the summer and don't know if I am coming back or not, what am I supposed to do?
I am terrified.
LG
Posted by Elle2021 on July 2, 2004, at 3:31:14
In reply to freaking out, posted by LG04 on July 2, 2004, at 3:06:02
Hi,
Wow, that is a lot to deal with isn't it?! You must feel overwhelmed. It must be awful for you not knowing whether this will be a break or termination. Is there any way that you can find out (right now) what your living arrangements will be like after your vacation is over? It sounds to me as if you are studying abroad or something like that. You mentioned that for you, not being able to see your therapist once or twice a week makes you feel as if he/she is dead. I think the bean bag toy your therapist gave you can help you with this. Perhaps you can carry it with you for comfort and as a reminder that someone cares very much for you (he/she did give you a gift after all). You may also want to try writing about some of the good/happy events/memories you have had in therapy, and then re-read them when you feel upset or alone. You could even post them here if you felt like it.Hope things work out, hang in there.
Elle
Posted by gardenergirl on July 2, 2004, at 9:11:54
In reply to Re: freaking out, posted by Elle2021 on July 2, 2004, at 3:31:14
I think you describe how deep and primitive your feelings are very well. I'm sorry you and your T did not get ample opportunity to process this. I have some idea how painful and confusing and frightening these primitive dependency feelings are. I am also working through similar issues. Fortunately, I do not have to face an impending termination for about a year. Also, I think the anger you are experiencing is part of that. Infants can experience rage...think of an intense crying spell. It comes out of fear and anger at being abandoned, even if for a little while. So, while this may also be a pattern for you, I think it goes along with what you are feeling.
My T is not one to provide advice or answers in dealing with these feelings other than talking about them and working through in order to feel "at ease" with them. (I hate that phrase!) Which means, I guess, coming to accept that they are there, which maybe will decrease the intensity. I'm not sure, though.
What I do for myself (the only advice he had was that I needed to find a way to soothe myself) is yoga and meditation. Specifically, after yoga, when I finish with the relaxation pose, before I sit up, I roll over into a fetal position and hold myself. Sometimes I rock a bit. I tell myself that I am safe, secure, loved, etc. I can't say that it has a profound impact, but I think with time, it may help.
Regarding that primitive part of you feeling like your T is dead, that makes sense to me too. Infants don't have object constancy. For them, it's out of sight, out of existence. That is terrifying. It makes it extrememly difficult, if not impossible to soothe yourself with the idea that she is there, just not accessible. So I agree with Elle (and so nice to see you, Elle!) that the stuffed animal may be able to serve as a reminder, or transitional object to help you keep your T in existence. Perhaps you can hold the animal when you self-soothe?
At any rate, I know how hard this is. Especially when your rational mind knows that the reality is different from what your primitive self is feeling. I'm glad you are able to identify these parts and work with these differences.
Good luck and safe travel. Please keep posting if it helps.
(((((((((LG04))))))))))))
gg
Posted by shadows721 on July 2, 2004, at 14:39:04
In reply to freaking out, posted by LG04 on July 2, 2004, at 3:06:02
Sometimes, no matter how much we try to prepare for a loss; we will still feel the impact of it. LG this is the grieving process. Allow those feelings to come out. I don't think you are freaking. I think you are grieving. Anything can happen with grief.
Posted by pegasus on July 4, 2004, at 14:30:51
In reply to Re: freaking out, posted by shadows721 on July 2, 2004, at 14:39:04
LG, I don't know that I have anything useful to offer in terms of how you can deal with this. But I wanted to let you know how much your situation touches me. In my experience, anger seems to come from hurt and fear, and certainly you have plenty of reasons to feel fearful after leaving your beloved therapist who has been such a support to you.
I know that when my T left me, I was very angry, and under that anger, I think was a lot of hurt that he would do that to me. That my pain at losing him was worth whatever he was gaining by moving away. And fear that I'd lose everything I'd gained when he left. I still feel a lot of that anger, and hurt and fear, but as I find myself coping without him, it gets slightly easier all the time.
I think one of the most painful things about your situation is the uncertainty about whether you'll work with this person in the future. I can only sympathize about how difficult that must be. I'm so sorry this isn't easier, or at least more clear.
((((LG))))
pegasus
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