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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by antigua on June 24, 2004, at 0:03:33
This will be two positive weeks in a row. Kind of scary, I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I think I'll be ready for it. If I'm not, someone remind me to go back and read these positive missives so I can remember again when I am in pain.
Therapy was good again this week. In EMDR (listening fires?)therapy, I got closer to the core, terrible fear that I haven't been able to face yet. But I know what it represents now, that's what I learned today: it's the fear of the first time, of the young, innocent girl who was confused, scared and terrified because she couldn't understand what was happening. The feelings were very powerful and I tried to stay w/them, but I couldn't reach it. But it was o.k., each time I get closer I get a better understanding of what it is and in some ways it becomes less frightening. I have come to accept that I may never know "it" exactly, but that will be o.k. now too. I don't need to deny it anymore, and I don't need to justify what I'm doing.
This week I also discovered another little girl inside of me. I told you that I'd already found the wounded one and put her in a playroom to play so I could protect her; and the angry girl, who I put securely behind bars so she couldn't escape and act up. But in the corner of my consciousness I discovered a third little girl. I checked to see if one of the other two had escaped, but they were accounted for.
So who is she? I know she is the innocent me, and she's younger than the other two. She doesn't talk either. My T told me today that she thinks she is my "self", which is so right. She is me before all of the abuse. She hasn't ever grown beyond 3,4 or 5, but somehow or other I know she is the essence of me. And I don't hate her, and I don't blame her. She is totally innocent. She is me before I split off into those two little girls, and she was lost (I thought forever) to me until today. I didn't even know she was there. How sad is that? But it's o.k. now, I've found her.
I just want to say that as children, we do such powerful things to protect ourselves, to keep us safe in the only childlike ways available to us at the time. And as hard as it may be to deal w/these things as adults, they helped to keep us alive. I can't deny that it hurts to know that I've been so disconnected from my self almost my entire life. If I hadn't given myself the chance to reach today, I wouldn't have ever found me.
I know now that my desperate depression in the past year, in part, has been because I have been pulling apart my defenses (denial, disassociation, numbing)and I was devastated because I felt there was no hope w/o my defenses, but today I discovered my "self." So, for me, tonight, there is hope and I'm very grateful.
So, everyone, thanks so much for your encouragement when I've been so low. Racer, hang in there, because you were right.
Please try to keep hope in your hearts,
antigua
Posted by shadows721 on June 24, 2004, at 0:48:11
In reply to I'm afraid my bubble will burst! Good news trigger, posted by antigua on June 24, 2004, at 0:03:33
Oh, how wonderful! This is so moving. Antigua, this is the true home coming. Those beautiful sweet babies that have been carrying all this are safe now with you. I am so glad for you. I am delighted that you shared this. I am honored to hear your experience.
shadows
Posted by antigua on June 24, 2004, at 0:59:35
In reply to Re: I'm afraid my bubble will burst! Good news trigger, posted by shadows721 on June 24, 2004, at 0:48:11
Posted by partlycloudy on June 24, 2004, at 6:58:22
In reply to I'm afraid my bubble will burst! Good news trigger, posted by antigua on June 24, 2004, at 0:03:33
What great news! It's such a long process and it sounds like you are very much aware of the progress you've made. I'm glad that those children are in safe places. And, of course, I am really pleased that the EMDR is helping you accomplish all this. What I find amazing is the powerful ability of our minds, bodies and souls to heal ourselves. It's incredible, isn't it?
I'm so happy for you!
Posted by Dinah on June 24, 2004, at 8:27:44
In reply to I'm afraid my bubble will burst! Good news trigger, posted by antigua on June 24, 2004, at 0:03:33
Posted by gardenergirl on June 24, 2004, at 13:44:07
In reply to Re: I'm afraid my bubble will burst! Good news trigger » antigua, posted by partlycloudy on June 24, 2004, at 6:58:22
I'm so happy to hear your experience. That little girl sounds beautiful. I'm glad you found her. It's important for us to have that innocent, pure beauty in ourselves. I'll be she will also be a source of fun and spirit when she feels truly safe.
Congratulations! Your hard, painful work is paying off!
gg
Posted by terrics on June 26, 2004, at 12:49:29
In reply to I'm afraid my bubble will burst! Good news trigger, posted by antigua on June 24, 2004, at 0:03:33
This is the end of the thread.
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