Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 352994

Shown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Update and apology

Posted by Aphrodite on June 2, 2004, at 10:15:37

I apologize that I fell off the face of the board after my last hysterical post. I appreciate your concern -- it is so nice (and foreign!) to be cared about. After I went to therapy last week and things for the first time came out, I became so overwhelmed realizing that was only the tip of the iceburg, and I just wanted to blame my therapist and run away from it all. I was gone over Memorial Day weekend and am just now catching up on posts.

I have therapy tomorrow -- I still want to quit because that's easier. I just want to push everything back down again. It's so hard to function normally once all this starts to seep out of your pores, and I really know that the best thing is trying to push through it all. I just don't have the strength. Things looked so bleak over the weekend that I thought about calling my minister but decided not to bother him. I felt I couldn't get out of the hole by myself. At the time I wanted to call, I didn't care who knew how bad I was, I knew I needed help. Somehow, I returned to normal thinking, and normal thinking for me is that I didn't want to burden him. (Of course, my therapist has never invited me to call him and doesn't leave any emergency numbers or procedures, so that wasn't an option. Not that I would use it anyway.) Now, I just feel paralyzed and scared to death of what tomorrow's session will be like.

On top of all this, I feel so badly that I haven't been coherent enough to be keeping up with all of you. I feel so self-absorbed, which has been the thing I've hated most about this therapy process. I used to be the one to help everyone, now I want all the help. *Sigh* Hang in there with me.

Thanks again.

 

Re: Update and apology » Aphrodite

Posted by mair on June 2, 2004, at 11:33:01

In reply to Update and apology, posted by Aphrodite on June 2, 2004, at 10:15:37


You wrote:

>" On top of all this, I feel so badly that I haven't been coherent enough to be keeping up with all of you. I feel so self-absorbed, which has been the thing I've hated most about this therapy process. I used to be the one to help everyone, now I want all the help. *Sigh* Hang in there with me."

I think I know how you feel: when I was a more active participant, I sometimes felt incredibly guilty about the fact that during my more depressed times, I needed help and could offer nothing in return because I was too self-absorbed to feel that I had anything to offer. I think it all balances out in the end, and everyone here understands that. You should feel as ok about accepting help and support as you do about giving it. Why don't you report back in after your next therapy session?

Mair
>
> Thanks again.
>
>

 

Re: Update and apology » Aphrodite

Posted by DaisyM on June 2, 2004, at 12:29:20

In reply to Update and apology, posted by Aphrodite on June 2, 2004, at 10:15:37

Please don't apologize. We all disappear now and then. I think what you are feeling is really common and I think you've already identified that this is fear taking over. It *is* hard to be this open and does feel awful to not know how to pull yourself up out of the pain. But this is why you took yourself into therapy, to get the support you need to sort this all out.

I'd like to share with you something I wrote in an email to a friend this past Monday:

"So I take a breath, shake myself and sternly say,"Get hold of yourself. You are not 5 and you don't need to cling to anyone." In many ways I think I've forgotten that I *am* a resilient person. I *can* handle a crisis, I'm NOT really going to fall apart and ultimately my life is my life and I just need to remember to handle it with humor and grace.

"Having people who encourage me to be honest about how I feel allows me to whine and wallow in my own sadness. I'm not complaining that I have you. I am just really aware that I always seem to be telling you how awful everything is...and how I can't handle it. And I don't usually do that. I don't want to be this pathetic friend who sucks your wisdom and support (OK, maybe I do want that simultaneously with not wanting that.)

"I guess I never learned how to balance the giving and the getting. I either give totally - I listen, problem solve, commiserate and defend, or get - I whine, feel sad, tell how much it hurts and how much it sucks. I try to balance this with you but I know it is way more about me and what I need than it has been about you. I know you don't want me to apologize and I can see you shaking your head and saying, "but that is honest. That is how you've been feeling!"

"I feel a little bit like an anorexic who can't tell if they are fat or not. I can't tell if I'm asking for more support than I should because asking for it at all feels so wrong and intrusive. I'm trying to trust that you, and (my Therapist), would back off, give me signals if it is overwhelming. But it is hard to trust that."

Aphrodite, I've been in therapy a year and I still struggle with accepting that I need to lean on other people. I do it best here on Babble. My friend wrote back a wonderful reply, telling me that it was OK to lean, that I did reciprocate, etc. etc. And she reminded me that isolating myself only made it worse.

I hope you can talk in therapy tomorrow about your reaction to last week. I think you need to ask about phoning between sessions. I felt slightly better once I knew that it was typical for very competent, strong people to feel like the rug had been pulled from under them. All these pent up feelings are very powerful and bring up so many "kid-like" responses. I hope your Therapist helps you stay with it. And post here if you think it will help. It has often been a life-line for me.

 

Re: And another thing » Aphrodite

Posted by mair on June 2, 2004, at 14:12:21

In reply to Update and apology, posted by Aphrodite on June 2, 2004, at 10:15:37

Daisy is right about talking to your Therapist about calling during an emergency. When I started working with my T, she didn't give me her home phone number and didn't say anything about whether it was ok to call. I clung stubbornly to that omission as a justification for not calling her even when things were awful. She was a little horrified when she found out that I didn't think I should ever (or at least would never) call her regardless of the circumstances, and we spent alot of time after that working out when it would be ok to call. I'm sure it's the same with your therapist.

Mair

 

Re: Update and apology

Posted by crushedout on June 2, 2004, at 19:28:42

In reply to Re: Update and apology » Aphrodite, posted by mair on June 2, 2004, at 11:33:01


I understand feeling self-absorbed on Babble, too. But it's hard for me to imagine that folks are keeping score. I mean, some people are better at/get more out of offering support to others and it also varies for a person from time to time (sometimes you're able to provide support, other times you need it). Luckily there are many of us so there's always someone here to provide, even when some of us individuals are unable to.

In other words, you don't have to feel guilty.

 

Re: And another thing » mair

Posted by Aphrodite on June 2, 2004, at 20:02:41

In reply to Re: And another thing » Aphrodite, posted by mair on June 2, 2004, at 14:12:21

Mair -- I think your post has given me a lot of courage to ask, "Just what am I supposed to do on a Saturday night when things are completely bleak and without hope?" I really believe he's never given me crisis information because I've never hinted that I have ever been that low. I definitely don't show it. Like you said, it could be a misunderstanding on my part. Thanks for this.

 

Re: Update and apology » DaisyM

Posted by Aphrodite on June 2, 2004, at 20:04:54

In reply to Re: Update and apology » Aphrodite, posted by DaisyM on June 2, 2004, at 12:29:20

Wow, what a wonderful friend you have that you can write such a powerful email and ask for that kind of response. One of my goals is trying to connect with at least one other person on some meaningful level.

You're right that Babble has been a lifeline that after awhile I've decided to come back and hang on to for dear life. Thanks for your support.

 

Re: Update and apology

Posted by Aphrodite on June 2, 2004, at 20:06:53

In reply to Re: Update and apology, posted by crushedout on June 2, 2004, at 19:28:42

Your reassurance is very helpful. You are right -- I don't keep score on others, so I guess you guys don't do that to me either. Thanks!

 

Re: And another thing » Aphrodite

Posted by mair on June 2, 2004, at 20:46:28

In reply to Re: And another thing » mair, posted by Aphrodite on June 2, 2004, at 20:02:41

Here's my take on what happened with my T. I think she didn't bend herself over backwards to make me feel welcome about calling maybe because when I first started seeing her it was really for some very directed CBT. Also I've wondered if she didn't because she really didn't know at that stage whether I was going to be the kind of person who called all the time. Once my therapy evolved away from CBT, looking at this in the most favorable light to her, she may have thought she had given me her phone number or assumed I understood it was ok - certainly I'm capable of getting her home phone out of the phone book; she's not unlisted. And certainly I could reason that she'd rather I called than hurt myself. So while on a certain level, I did know it would be ok to call, I wasn't ever going to call without some sort of an invitation.

We've been over this ground alot. When all of this first came out, she tried to communicate with me when it would be ok and when maybe it wouldn't. Ultimately, she figured out that I'd always hang myself up on trying to reason whether I was in sufficiently bad shape to entitle me to call. Her rule with me became "call whenever you feel like talking to me." Of course i've pretty much never called so it's a safe rule for her.

I think my T made a mistake by failing to bring the subject up a lot sooner (in fact I may have been the one to raise it first). I do know that it would have been better for both of us if this had been addressed earlier, and I know that my take on the phone call issue, was very different from what she had probably intended.

This is just a long wordy way of saying that you will probably do both you and your T a favor by bringing this up at your next session.

Good luck

Mair

 

Re: Update and apology » Aphrodite

Posted by terrics on June 3, 2004, at 14:42:48

In reply to Update and apology, posted by Aphrodite on June 2, 2004, at 10:15:37

It is ok to be self absorbed. It seems we all are at sometime. We take turns....The Helper and the Helped. We do role reversals. I think this is healthy. It is your turn to be self absorbed so don't fret and don't worry for as long as it takes for you to feel better. terrics


This is the end of the thread.


Show another thread

URL of post in thread:


Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ


[dr. bob] Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD, bob@dr-bob.org

Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.