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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pegasus on May 31, 2004, at 18:32:26
Yikes, I just exchanged some troubling emails with my old T. He asked how therapy has been lately, and so I told him that I'd stopped working with the one therapist that I started with when he moved away last year. I explained that it wasn't a good fit, and that I was looking for something else and had seen another therapist a couple of times. I also told him that I wasn't getting much out of my group and why. He wrote back saying that he didn't like to hear that both of my therapy things were over or not helpful. He said it's up to me, but I needed to talk to this other therapist about my impressions of her etc. and work at building a relationship and not making assumptions.
I was kind of insulted. I did try talking to her about what wasn't seeming right before I quit, but it just really felt like not a good fit. I didn't want to go to therapy anymore when I was seeing her, and didn't want to be building a relationship with her. I'm not quitting therapy altogether. I want to find good therapy, but I need to *find* it, not force it. So, I wrote back and explained all of that.
The whole exchange kind of freaks me out. Does he really think that I'd quit without having a good sense that it wasn't going to work? I only really worked with this other T in the first place because he recommended her, and I wanted him to feel like I was taken care of before he left. It never felt like a good fit from the beginning. I feel like I made him mad, but, then, it's my therapy, and I think I need to make my own decisions about this. Maybe I misread concern for anger? Who knows?
Grrrr. I hate therapy turmoil. Dang it, it's hard enough to figure this out. I was expecting maybe a more helpful and supportive response from him. I mean, I am *trying* to get myself into good therapy. It's just kind of hard to find.
What do you all think?
pegasus
Posted by crushedout on May 31, 2004, at 19:29:22
In reply to T is not pleased with me, posted by pegasus on May 31, 2004, at 18:32:26
Hmm, it's hard to tell what his tone was from what you posted, but it doesn't sound all that supportive. What assumptions is he talking about? Was that an issue of yours or something?Is it possible he feels defensive since he picked her out for you?
Posted by pegasus on May 31, 2004, at 23:27:44
In reply to Re: T is not pleased with me, posted by crushedout on May 31, 2004, at 19:29:22
Well, in my original email explaining how the new T wasn't a good fit, I said that I didn't think she liked me. I think that's what he's refering to when he talks about assumptions.
I reread his email again, and it might be just concerned, not angry. I'm regretting even telling him about my therapy troubles, though. His email was a big lecture about how important it is for my therapy work to talk about things that are going on in therapy, and not just walk away. Which I wasn't. I did try to talk about it with her. Maybe I should just tell him thanks for being concerned, but I'll work it out from here.
pegasus
Posted by cubic_me on June 1, 2004, at 6:35:09
In reply to Re: T is not pleased with me, posted by pegasus on May 31, 2004, at 23:27:44
I think that you've got the right attitude towards this. Even though your old T was right for you then and knew you then, it doesn't mean he knows you now, and just because he likes the T he reccomended doesn't mean she'll be the right one for you.
It's hard to tell from the email what tone your old T is using, but your decisions about therapy are up to you and what you feel is right. What you're saying sounds really sensible and well thought out, and I think that you're old T should have a bit more confidence in you to find the right fit.
I hope it all works out ok.
Posted by pegasus on June 1, 2004, at 13:09:13
In reply to Re: T is not pleased with me, posted by cubic_me on June 1, 2004, at 6:35:09
Thanks cubic, for the encouragement. That's what I think too. It's just disturbing that he doesn't think I'm doing the right thing, or not doing it the right way.
I sent him a testy, short reply yesterday. Then reread his email, and sent him a short apology for being so snappish. I think he's probably trying to be helpful, rather than meaning to admonish me. Email can be tricky wrt getting the tone right.
I think he might have some of his own issues tied up in it, because he did abandon me in the middle of my therapy. I'm sure he'd prefer to see me off and running with a new therapist, so he could feel that he didn't mess me up too much, and know that I'm ok. But, truth is, I do feel a bit messed up about this still.
Maybe I did ditch my new T because I was subconsciously afraid of getting attached like I did with him. All I know is that I didn't like her, and wasn't comfortable with her, and when we'd talk about these things, I felt even more concerned. When I started skipping sessions because I just didn't want to deal with her, I figured it was time to look for another solution.
pegasus
Posted by crushedout on June 1, 2004, at 20:47:07
In reply to Re: T is not pleased with me, posted by pegasus on May 31, 2004, at 23:27:44
I kind of think you should tell him how you feel. I mean, isn't that sort of his point after all? Even though he's not your current therapist, it makes sense to me for you to be completely open and honest with him. Otherwise, aren't you kind of going to feel hurt and just hold onto that feeling? It sounds as though he either (a) doesn't have the full picture (in which case you could try to give it to him more fully) or (b) isn't being very sensitive (in which case, I think it's appropriate for you to let him know that).You had a good relationship with him, right?
Posted by Dinah on June 1, 2004, at 21:40:47
In reply to T is not pleased with me, posted by pegasus on May 31, 2004, at 18:32:26
I remember you put a lot of thought into your decision. And he also does have some investment in your liking the new therapist.
I think your thinking on this matter continues to be clear. Trust your judgement.
Posted by gardenergirl on June 2, 2004, at 9:19:15
In reply to Re: T is not pleased with me » pegasus, posted by Dinah on June 1, 2004, at 21:40:47
I agree with Dinah, it seems like you have been thinking about this since the exchange, and that you are on the right track. You have to go with your gut, even if it is hard to explain to someone else's satisfaction, in any medium.
Good luck,
gg
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