Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 351182

Shown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

I really and truly give up

Posted by Aphrodite on May 27, 2004, at 15:20:19

I finally summoned the courage today to talk about very difficult things with my therapist. Specifically, I told him how I was left alone a lot as a young child, that I was rejected by my family, that I have no idea how to connect and bond to others. I didn't break down, but I cried as I talked about how I longed to have connection and that I feel intensely for others but it doesn't feel safe to have close relationships. I told him that I feel defective, unlovable, and that I feel so burdensome and lonely that I struggle with suicidal thoughts. All of this and more was very hard to say. He couldn't not have had a more sincere and sympathetic look on his face as he listened if he tried. He was very validating. He asked thoughtful questions. Still, I felt extremely stupid and uncared for. Did he do anything to provoke that? Nope. But I feel that way anyway.

But then, at the end of the session, he turned the sympathy off, and the enormity of what just happened seemed to escape him. The manner of his send off was unfeeling and flippant that I felt he should have just said, "See you next week unless you kill yourself before then." I'm sure my perception is off, but I feel so much worse than when I went in. Tons worse.

This just happened 30 minutes ago, and I am very emotional right now. But I think that therapy is not the way I am going to heal. Maybe I need a church or some other way to find peace. I can't take this. I can't pour my heart out to someone I pay. I need someone who can genuinely care for me, but unfortunately no one is like that in my life right now.

I am going to write a letter terminating this 7 month torture. I just can't feel this badly anymore.

 

Re: I really and truly give up

Posted by Speaker on May 27, 2004, at 16:31:26

In reply to I really and truly give up, posted by Aphrodite on May 27, 2004, at 15:20:19

Wow, what courage you showed!!! It is very difficult to formulate all of that and the thought of telling someone is overwhelming. I think you should call your T and tell him how you felt as you left. It's amazing for me how someone can do 99 things right and one wrong but I retain the wrong. Give yourself some time before you make your decision to terminate. Please go and talk to your T about your termination and take in this post with you. You articulated your feelings quite well. I'm so sorry all of this is so hurtful...keep posting we might be remote in distance but I care.

Marie

 

Re: I really and truly give up Aphrodite

Posted by B2chica on May 27, 2004, at 17:10:26

In reply to I really and truly give up, posted by Aphrodite on May 27, 2004, at 15:20:19

((((Aphrodite))))
You should first and formost feel VERY good about what you did today. About opening up and telling about your hurt and ache.
I don't know exactly how you are feeling right now but i have two thoughts.
1)there have been Several sessions where i opened up (only a little in reality but a LOT to me) to my T and when i went home i was ready to go to the hospital...i curled up in bed and Bawled and screamed hysterically, other times i hid and cut ready to shred myself...my point being that your emotions that are very powerful right now, they may be because you finally allowed yourself to open up. Please give yourself at least a couple days to think things through before you terminate.
2) i agree with Speaker in that i think you should take your post in and tell him how you felt. Discuss termination or not but you should discuss how this made you feel. Your reaction to your topics and reaction to end of session are all very important.
again, just gotta say Congrats on talking about difficult topics! I'm still at the "deer in headlights" stage. So it gives me hope when i hear others finally get some breakthrough.
FWIW
B2c.

 

Re: I really and truly give up Aphrodite

Posted by Dinah on May 27, 2004, at 17:11:06

In reply to I really and truly give up, posted by Aphrodite on May 27, 2004, at 15:20:19

Perhaps I'm way off base here, but I couldn't help notice the parallels between the content of your session today and the feelings that you're having towards your therapist. Is it possible that reliving the thoughts of childhood rejection brought those feelings up and they were then attached to your therapist?

I'd give it some time before you make any decisions. And talk it over with your therapist. Obviously these memories are still raw to you, and that's never a good time to make decisions.

 

Re: I really and truly give up Aphrodite

Posted by antigua on May 27, 2004, at 17:19:09

In reply to I really and truly give up, posted by Aphrodite on May 27, 2004, at 15:20:19

I have no business butting in here ... so excuse me.

I'd suggest calling him and telling him how you feel. Even if you have to leave a message (sometimes it's easier). He shut you down too soon, and didn't grasp that you were feeling what you were describing to him. Sometimes they can be pretty unaware...

Call him. He didn't treat you right and he needs to know. I would give him the benefit of the doubt that it wasn't intentional.
antigua

 

Re: I really and truly give up

Posted by shadows721 on May 27, 2004, at 17:37:39

In reply to I really and truly give up, posted by Aphrodite on May 27, 2004, at 15:20:19

((((((Aphrodite))))))

I was struck by how beautifully you put your feelings down into words. I feel that you really dug into some painful memories of your past and the emotions are still right on the edge. If I were you, I would just allow these feelings to sit for awhile before I would make any decisions. I feel that if you make a decision in this state it would be purely out of emotion and that may not be in your best interest. I would give this sometime and talk about how you felt next session. I know you are going through some really rough emotions, but I have always heard that's when the real work begins. Next week, this may all look totally different to you.

 

Re: I really and truly give up Aphrodite

Posted by DaisyM on May 27, 2004, at 20:27:10

In reply to I really and truly give up, posted by Aphrodite on May 27, 2004, at 15:20:19

Aphrodite,

I agree with everyone else...please wait out your feelings a little bit before quitting. Maybe quitting is what you need but you should talk to your Therapist about it first. Dinah is probably right, the feelings that are old get mixed up with the here and now.

I have another theory too. It goes like this:

"I just pored out my heart to you. I cried. I told you I'm suicidal at times. And YOU'RE GOING TO JUST LET ME LEAVE??!!!" We all want someone waiting for us at home who can wrap their arms around us and rock us and tell us it will all be OK. Most of us leave therapy and go back to work or go home and be the mom, wife, girlfriend, whoever. The child part of us that is really, really out and in pain, does not go home to her mommy. And we don't get to take our Therapist with us.

The first few times I experienced this whammy, I was incredibly crushed. I did call him, I remember specifically one Thursday saying, "what did you do to me that I feel so alone and so hurt!" He said the work of therapy often makes us feel lonely, because NO ONE listens like our Therapist. And once we start to talk, it is hard to stop and only do it in 50 minutes increments. That one of the tasks of therapy is to internalize your Therapist so you can take him with you and not feel so alone.

It took me a really long time to do this. I felt so psychically intrusive. I finally have though the younger parts of me will "disappear" with him and leave me out here hanging sometimes. But when I feel the connection between us weaken at all, I freak out. I need him to keep me together.

The other thing is that once we started on the really hard stuff, he had to learn how to put me back together so I could leave without invalidating the work we had just done. I think of the analogy of "In Session" about taking your clothes off and putting them back on. Once (and only once!) we had this emotional conversation and at the end he had an "Oh by the way," insurance question. I felt like he was doing what everyone else did, asking me to solve his problem. He got that this upset me, we talked about it and now we do "business" at the beginning of the session or over the phone, not in session time. We now usually end with him stopping 5 minutes early and asking how I'm doing. Then we make a plan for coping. We all have leaving rituals I think, that help.

You are not alone in this. You will get there. You did an amazingly hard thing today. You were so brave. You aren't alone, you have us. But, please, call him and leave a message. You don't want to spend a week like this. And you don't want to start over if you don't have to.

Please let me know how you are doing. I'm worried about you.
(((Aphrodite)))

 

Aphrodite, where'd you go? DaisyM

Posted by crushedout on May 29, 2004, at 17:54:24

In reply to Re: I really and truly give up Aphrodite, posted by DaisyM on May 27, 2004, at 20:27:10


I could really identify with your post. I know that feeling. Where are you? You disappeared. I'm worried.

 

whoops: above for aphrodite (obviously) (nm) crushedout

Posted by crushedout on May 29, 2004, at 19:24:24

In reply to Aphrodite, where'd you go? DaisyM, posted by crushedout on May 29, 2004, at 17:54:24


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