Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 343454

Shown: posts 1 to 22 of 22. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

angry after T session. (long) *possible triggers*

Posted by ghost on May 4, 2004, at 23:02:30

maybe venting will make me feel better.

first, some background:

i saw a T for one intake visit about 6 or so years ago. i got a terrible vibe from her. i felt like she was bored with me. like i wasn't a legitimate case. i felt like she was disgusted with my bisexuality, and that she thought i was a spoiled brat because i didn't come from an abusive house (most of her questions involved abuse of some sort) but i was depressed and suicidal. i never went back.

about 10 months ago or so, i hit a real low, and finally sought help. i got a T and a pdoc, and some meds (abilify, a low dose to start). i met with the T three times, and each time i didn't feel that it was helping... the only suggestion he ever really offered was that i "needed to learn" not to be so black and white in my opinions of things and people. no help in doing it... anyhow. the last visit i had with him he spent it talking to me about his nephew and his nephew's interest in chatting online (i had started out by saying i met a new friend online-- i never really got to talk about the reason i brought it up in the first place). an hour listening to him talk. it was a waste of my time.

the pdoc wasn't much better. i kept seeing him because he gave me samples of abilify so i didn't have to buy it out of pocket, not because i felt he was helping me get better (beyond providing my meds). he didn't seem to ask the "right" questions, if he asked any at all. he usually ushered me out of the office 5 minutes after i came in for a 15 or 30 minute visit, even when i said "i had a rough week" or something to that effect, trying to say i needed help.

a few months ago, i became very depressed. i was unhappy with every aspect of my life. i started thinking about suicide. a lot. mostly just fantasizing about it. i kept calling the office asking if my pdoc could see me that week, and he was never available. i never had the guts to say "it's important." i finally got in one week, i said i was depressed, that i wasn't happy. my eating and sleeping habits were erratic. i needed help. he upped my dose, told me to wait a week. this was repeated a few times until i was taking about 10x the dose of abilify i'd started at. the ADD-like symptoms the abilify had given me from the beginning were amplified a million-fold. i was irritable, depressed, nothing was improving. i had suggested a med change or addition (antidepressant perhaps) for the dreary winter months, but the pdoc wasn't receptive. just said to "wait it out."

i made the decision to quit taking meds and quit seeing the pdoc. i lost a lot of faith in mental health professionals.

that brings me to the present. i few weekends ago i hit a real low. suicidal fantasies and thoughts. i've kind of accepted the fact that life is just this pointless game... maybe you go to school for awhile, but then you find a job to pay bills only to generate more bills-- keep working, paying bills, working, paying bills, endless cycle of bs. just to die. what's the difference if i die now or later? if i died now, i'd just be cutting to the chase.

i had hoarded a large supply of xanax from when i was seeing the pdoc-- he'd prescribed me a large amount of pills with a refill (in order to save me money) when i started having panic attacks due to the abilify. i took some for their intended use, but once i quit the abilify i still had a large number of them left. i am not stupid-- i used to work in the healthcare field. i kept them, "just in case." i guess you can say that's my plan.

i told this to the T today and he seemed very concerned. he wanted me to get rid of them. i said no. he wanted me to bring them in and have them "hold onto them" for me. i said no. he said why. i said i felt comfortable having them in my possession. what nerve! i was angry. they're mine, fair n square. i have the right to end my life if i want to, and i have every right to hang onto my means to do it. it's not even like i'm breaking any laws. they're my pills. fair n square. they're mine.

i didn't like talking about suicide with him. as he asked more questions i got the impression he was just trying to gather information to cover his ass. at the end of the session, he said he was concerned because it puts him in an awkward position. so it makes me angry in one sense that he's got to cover his ass-- he cant just sit back and listen. but in another sense i feel really bad that i've burdened him at all with the information.

i did commit to not doing anything until we met again, but it was hard to do. (i mentioned this in a different post.) i don't know if i can uphold my end of the bargain. i don't even know if i *want* to. i just don't want to be here any more. i feel like there's no point. but i don't know what to do. i want to be locked up for awhile where i don't have to do this on my own. but i didn't know how to bring that up. i don't know how some stupid promise is supposed to work. i feel like he just made me do it to cover his own ass. not that i blame him. but i don't feel it was very helpful.

i feel like i'm drowning, but i'm not lucky enough to die. i'm just held under long enough to get used to the idea, and then pulled back above the water, only to be shoved back under again for awhile. tortured and teased with the thought of death simultaneously.

 

Re: angry after T session. (long) *possible triggers*

Posted by thewriteone on May 4, 2004, at 23:16:46

In reply to angry after T session. (long) *possible triggers*, posted by ghost on May 4, 2004, at 23:02:30

Ghost,

Please do honor your agreement not to do anything until you see your T again. I don't want to sound like whatever, but suicide is final and absolute. Give it some time, get help and you will find joy in life again. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but it WILL come, even if it's just in moments. There are people that care about you and killing yourself will do damage to them you can't imagine. I know. A friend of mine killed himself 5 years ago this month and it still hurts me so much. I've never gotten over it and I don't think I ever will. If not for yourself, think about the people that love you. Don't do that to them. ***hugs**** And PLEASE HANG IN THERE.

 

Re: angry after T session. (long) *possible triggers* » ghost

Posted by Fallen4MyT on May 4, 2004, at 23:32:16

In reply to angry after T session. (long) *possible triggers*, posted by ghost on May 4, 2004, at 23:02:30

Sweetie you can go to ER tell them what you are thinking and they will admit you to the psych ward...in the hospital...you sign in and can sign out if/when you are no longer a threat to you...If I knew you say as a friend I would ask you to promise the same as your T not for cash or to cover my arse but cause I care...so please go to ER and get the help you need..give the meds to a TRUSTED friend or put them in a safety deposit box cause they are yours...and here is a life raft....don't drown..go to ER

 

Re: angry after T session. (long) *possible triggers*

Posted by ghost on May 5, 2004, at 0:40:57

In reply to Re: angry after T session. (long) *possible triggers* » ghost, posted by Fallen4MyT on May 4, 2004, at 23:32:16

thanks, fallen. i guess part of my problem is this severe inability to verbalize what i'm feeling. it's so easy for me to type this stuff or to write it on paper... but there's something about going from brain to mouth that i just can't do. i can't come out and say how i feel. when i feel this way, i'm like frozen.

ive never been hospitalized before. i both want it and am scared of it. if i tell them of my plans will they go to my house and take my pills? will they not let me wear shoelaces because i might hang myself? could i bring my laptop and would i get internet access? if i decided it wasn't working, would i be able to leave of my own free will? would it even help?

 

Re: angry after T session. (long) *possible triggers* » ghost

Posted by Dinah on May 5, 2004, at 9:14:58

In reply to angry after T session. (long) *possible triggers*, posted by ghost on May 4, 2004, at 23:02:30

Ghost, it doesn't sound as if these professionals are exactly what you'd ideally wish for. Am I mistaken in that impression?

Please don't give up. There are a lot of options to try first. You've barely scratched the surface. If you need to go to a hospital to feel safe, don't hesitate. And maybe you can change your medication regimen there. Or find another pdoc or therapist from recommendations of the nurses.

Keep safe. We've just barely begun to get to know you and you seem nice.

(BTW, doesn't Ablify have a reputation for causing agitation? Agitation can trigger suicidal feelings. Run it by a pdoc, ok? In a hospital, if necessary.)

 

Re: angry after T session. (long) *possible triggers* » Dinah

Posted by ghost on May 5, 2004, at 9:51:09

In reply to Re: angry after T session. (long) *possible triggers* » ghost, posted by Dinah on May 5, 2004, at 9:14:58

wow, i didn't think about the agitation. i'll bring it up on monday. thanks.

and thanks for saying i seem nice. i appreciate it. :/

 

Re: angry after T session. (long) *possible triggers*

Posted by Angela2 on May 5, 2004, at 10:06:40

In reply to angry after T session. (long) *possible triggers*, posted by ghost on May 4, 2004, at 23:02:30

Ghost

(((hugs)))

Please do not kill yourself and know that we are here for you. I urge you to get help and continue seeing your t/pdoc. You seem very depressed and it is disturbing! Is your pdoc your therapist too? If not, you need to see someone who will listen to your problems and concerns on a personal level. And please know that your pdoc is only asking you these questions because he wants to help you.

Angela

 

Re: angry after T session. (long) *possible triggers* » Angela2

Posted by ghost on May 5, 2004, at 10:12:20

In reply to Re: angry after T session. (long) *possible triggers*, posted by Angela2 on May 5, 2004, at 10:06:40

wow.

thanks. that's really sweet.

this appt was with a therapist i'd seen once before as an info session (he was telling me about glbt resources on campus when i first moved here). he set me up with a pdoc appointment (with a different pdoc) for monday, but he would keep seeing me as a therapist too.

it's hard not to think that i'm just burdening him with answers to questions. that i should censor what i say, even though i know that would be detrimental. i'm trying not to.

thanks. i appreciate it.

 

Re: angry after T session. (long) *possible triggers*

Posted by Angela2 on May 5, 2004, at 10:12:45

In reply to Re: angry after T session. (long) *possible triggers*, posted by Angela2 on May 5, 2004, at 10:06:40

Also please know that we are here for you and we want to be able to share our experiences with you as well as you with us.

 

thank you. *hugs* (nm) » Angela2

Posted by ghost on May 5, 2004, at 10:18:39

In reply to Re: angry after T session. (long) *possible triggers*, posted by Angela2 on May 5, 2004, at 10:12:45

 

Re: angry after T session. (long) *possible trigge » ghost

Posted by B2chica on May 5, 2004, at 10:27:54

In reply to Re: angry after T session. (long) *possible triggers*, posted by ghost on May 5, 2004, at 0:40:57

> thanks, fallen. i guess part of my problem is this severe inability to verbalize what i'm feeling. it's so easy for me to type this stuff or to write it on paper... but there's something about going from brain to mouth that i just can't do. i can't come out and say how i feel. when i feel this way, i'm like frozen.


-say are you related to me? have had these issues as long as i can remember. Since i've been seeing a psychologist i've really been analyzing everything i do (more so than average). I told my T about how i can think of the right response like a day later or something...i just can't get it out the way i want. He said that sometimes when you are dealing with so much on the inside it blurs your expressive behavior, and that once you get some things out and deal with them your thought processes WILL get better.


>
> ive never been hospitalized before. i both want it and am scared of it. if i tell them of my plans will they go to my house and take my pills? will they not let me wear shoelaces because i might hang myself? could i bring my laptop and would i get internet access? if i decided it wasn't working, would i be able to leave of my own free will? would it even help?

i just was H. for the first time ever...i had always had nightmares about being hospitalized an end up being locked up forever.
My friend took me to the ER and when they said they wanted me to be admitted and asked me if i would admit myself my friend wispered to me that if i checked myself in then i could check myself out.
-they won't go to your house and take your pills but they will take everything away from you that they think you can hurt yourself with. they search Everything!
-it's funny you should mention that about the shoelaces, that first night i had my husband bring some clothes- he brought them in a plastic grocery bag,, and my roommate pointed and said "you have contraband!" i asked her what she ment and she said were not allowed to have plastic bags cuz we might Smother ourselves. we both laughed a lot to that.
-i don't know if they would let you bring your laptop, but personally i wouldn't cuz ANYONE could swipe it. (although i REALLY MISSED babble).
- They told me when i checked in that the average stay was 2-3 days, i figured i'd just stay one night and then be better and go home...i ended up staying for two full weeks. then went to adult partial for three after that.
Over all, the best thing about it was that the docs got to play around with my medication and watch me 24/7. and it's a good thing cuz while i was there i did make an attempt at my life...ended up with 7 sutures in my wrist....
For me this was the best thing i could have done.
HTH

-i am sorry you are in so much pain...please hang on to the fact that even though it doesn't feel like it, things Will Get Better ghost. Besides, i'll be a little selfish here and say that i could really use you to talk to right now. I can really relate to your posts. Please hang on..even if it's by your fingernails. Cuz each one of us here at babble will take one of your hands, your belt loops and each of your bootstraps and pull your a$$ up! Just when you think you've fallen to deep, put your head up and look. we'll all be around you. hanging on.

With Much Love (((Ghost)))
B2c.

 

Re: angry after T session. (long) *possible triggers*

Posted by Fallen4MyT on May 5, 2004, at 10:47:50

In reply to angry after T session. (long) *possible triggers*, posted by ghost on May 4, 2004, at 23:02:30

Hey Ghost..I was in a psychward overnight once, not even 24 hours and it was no big deal as far as bad...we even made food they had a kitchen :) the girls on the ward were nice..1 was kinda scary ..My family doc was there that A.M and saw my electrolytes were off...and I went home..I saw a PDOC too she was nice. I got to wear my shoes, had a robe with a belt hubby brought..hahaha no laptop computers so no net but I was in late at night and went to bed with meds..That was it for me..they had a chart with all the stuff you could do that day....or choose not to..lots of group and individual.....and stuff...this was at a hospital SO I think it was less scary and restrictive...I could sign out at anytime....I was no danger more in a panic....If I had been a danger to me or others its like a 24-72 hold to make sure and hopefully I think help you chose to stay not go..Oh and on the meds..you have a good friend who will hold them for you..??? then you can get them back should you want..I hope not to harm but....and you can say you gave them to a friend..thus....the truth..hear what I am saying?

 

Re: angry after T session. (long) *possible trigge » B2chica

Posted by ghost on May 5, 2004, at 10:48:56

In reply to Re: angry after T session. (long) *possible trigge » ghost, posted by B2chica on May 5, 2004, at 10:27:54

> -say are you related to me? have had these issues as long as i can remember. Since i've been seeing a psychologist i've really been analyzing everything i do (more so than average). I told my T about how i can think of the right response like a day later or something...i just can't get it out the way i want. He said that sometimes when you are dealing with so much on the inside it blurs your expressive behavior, and that once you get some things out and deal with them your thought processes WILL get better.

i'm glad to know you know how i feel. i know *exactly* what you mean when it comes to thinking of good responses to things--- anything. they always come too late. even stupid things, like a school presentation when someone asks me a question and i have to think on the spot. a few days later, a great, articulate, well-worded response will come to me and i'll kick myself. or someone will do something that hurts me, and a few days later i'll think of something sharp and biting to say to make them realise how i feel, rather than just sucking it up and taking it when it happens.

maybe that's why writing is so much easier. there's always a backspace. there's always time to sit and formulate what you're going to say. there's no "escape" key in real life, so to speak.

> My friend took me to the ER and when they said they wanted me to be admitted and asked me if i would admit myself my friend wispered to me that if i checked myself in then i could check myself out.

good. that's good to know. it's nice that you have a friend nice enough to bring you to the ER, too.

it's funny, like fate or something, that someone msg'd me last night who i hadn't talked to in a really long time. we'd originally connected because we have similar problems with bipolar disorder and i was recently diagnosed and needed someone to connect with. anyhow. she said if i wanted to go to the ER that she would drag me there and then swear up and down that i tried to kill myself and her so they would admit me. i didn't want to enter under those conditions (being homocidal changes the situation a bit, and i'd never hurt anyone else), but apparently it's tough to get hospitalized in this state because there are a lot of problems with the state of mental healthcare right now.

> -they won't go to your house and take your pills but they will take everything away from you that they think you can hurt yourself with. they search Everything!

do they give it back? i have a swiss army knife on my keychain i'm rather attached to....

> -i don't know if they would let you bring your laptop, but personally i wouldn't cuz ANYONE could swipe it. (although i REALLY MISSED babble).

good point.

> Over all, the best thing about it was that the docs got to play around with my medication and watch me 24/7. and it's a good thing cuz while i was there i did make an attempt at my life...ended up with 7 sutures in my wrist....

wow. my friend last night was telling me about the med observations too. sometimes it's easier to change meds in a controlled environment. i have to agree with this.

> -i am sorry you are in so much pain...please hang on to the fact that even though it doesn't feel like it, things Will Get Better ghost. Besides, i'll be a little selfish here and say that i could really use you to talk to right now. I can really relate to your posts. Please hang on..even if it's by your fingernails. Cuz each one of us here at babble will take one of your hands, your belt loops and each of your bootstraps and pull your a$$ up! Just when you think you've fallen to deep, put your head up and look. we'll all be around you. hanging on.

i appreciate selfishness. heh. thanks. it does help to talk. and i like that i can relate to people. it kind of makes me feel more human. the urge for survival isn't really there yet, but the urge to be a real person again is almost tangible.

*big hugs* thanks for just being there. and for just knowing.

 

Re: angry after T session. (long) *possible triggers* » Fallen4MyT

Posted by ghost on May 5, 2004, at 10:52:51

In reply to Re: angry after T session. (long) *possible triggers*, posted by Fallen4MyT on May 5, 2004, at 10:47:50

i know what you mean. i'm just not ready to give them up. i like knowing they're there if i needed them. i actually carry them with me at all times. like a security blanket or something. i guess that sounds messed up.

 

Re: angry after T session. (long) *possible triggers* » ghost

Posted by crushedout on May 5, 2004, at 11:02:55

In reply to angry after T session. (long) *possible triggers*, posted by ghost on May 4, 2004, at 23:02:30


Ow, ghost, that sounds really painful. It sounds to me like your Ts have not been very helpful and you could really benefit from a good one. I can identify with a lot of what you said. It's so hard.

((((ghost))))

 

Re: better give it back...

Posted by B2chica on May 5, 2004, at 11:27:37

In reply to Re: angry after T session. (long) *possible trigge » B2chica, posted by ghost on May 5, 2004, at 10:48:56

>or someone will do something that hurts me, and a few days later i'll think of something sharp and biting to say to make them realise how i feel, rather than just sucking it up and taking it when it happens.

boy, this is me to a 'T'. sometimes it just makes me sick to my stomach that my reaction time to this sucks and then... the snowball of self-hate begins.

> there's no "escape" key in real life, so to speak.

how many time have i wished there were...


> do they give it back? i have a swiss army knife on my keychain i'm rather attached to....

They BETTER! i know i had just filled Rx and i had about four full bottles of pills and two (yes Two) knives in my purse and they took it all and locked it up. when i was released the one nurse didn't want to give me the pills or the knives and she gave me a bad look and turned to another nurse and said "what about these?" the other nurse said if it has her name on it she has to get it back. so she sneered at me but gave it back.

> wow. my friend last night was telling me about the med observations too. sometimes it's easier to change meds in a controlled environment. i have to agree with this.

FYI, i did have a REALLY BAD reaction to going off some meds there, it was very lucky i was in the hospital.


> the urge for survival isn't really there yet, but the urge to be a real person again is almost tangible.

i would see the "real person" goal actually as more important than just survival...stick with it.
B2c.

 

Re: better give it back...

Posted by ghost on May 5, 2004, at 12:20:45

In reply to Re: better give it back..., posted by B2chica on May 5, 2004, at 11:27:37

> boy, this is me to a 'T'. sometimes it just makes me sick to my stomach that my reaction time to this sucks and then... the snowball of self-hate begins.

omg. EXACTLY.... how eerie.

> > there's no "escape" key in real life, so to speak.
>
> how many time have i wished there were...

me too. funny, somewhat unrelated story: i had a bad spell awhile ago, and was doing my usual online journal venting, and i splashed a few drops of water (not much at all) on my laptop kb and a bunch of the keys just STOPPED WORKING. i was furious. (espeically since my previous laptop had withstood countless soda spills without any problems for many years and this laptop was much newer). it was late at night and all the computer stores were closed. so i went to walmart and bought a cheap $10 kb to get me through the night. but it turns out it was only a ps/2 keyboard (or whatever those round ports are), and my laptop only had usb ports. it came with an adapter but it was the wrong one. i was so angry i smashed the kb to BITS. broke every key off of it. keys were everywhere. i was all bruised up. the next day i cleaned up all the keys and saved them in a bag (hey, i could use them for art or something). awhile later, when i'd forgotten about the incident, i found a key laying out in the open on my floor. it was (you may have guessed) the escape key.

> They BETTER! i know i had just filled Rx and i had about four full bottles of pills and two (yes Two) knives in my purse and they took it all and locked it up. when i was released the one nurse didn't want to give me the pills or the knives and she gave me a bad look and turned to another nurse and said "what about these?" the other nurse said if it has her name on it she has to get it back. so she sneered at me but gave it back.

i don't like nurses like that. i used to work in healthcare and i always hated the nurses who would act like that. i always felt like they weren't treating patients like real people. it makes me angry.

> FYI, i did have a REALLY BAD reaction to going off some meds there, it was very lucky i was in the hospital.

i'm pretty sensitive to most medications, so it would be nice to have healthcare available if i got sick (or mentally unstable) while trying new drugs. i remember when i quit taking paxil many years ago i got *so* sick for weeks. i was so dizzy i had motionsickness. it was awful.

> i would see the "real person" goal actually as more important than just survival...stick with it.

i think you might be on to something....

((((((((((B2C)))))))))

 

esc key...what are the chances of that! LOL (nm) » ghost

Posted by B2chica on May 5, 2004, at 12:45:05

In reply to Re: better give it back..., posted by ghost on May 5, 2004, at 12:20:45

 

Re: angry after T session. (long) *possible triggers* » ghost

Posted by Fallen4MyT on May 5, 2004, at 13:44:48

In reply to Re: angry after T session. (long) *possible triggers* » Fallen4MyT, posted by ghost on May 5, 2004, at 10:52:51

I DO know what you mean and its not messed up..well least not to me lol....I have a lotta stuff to but its a step to health to move them to a friend OR safety deposit box..they are still yours but ....longer to get to them....baby steps best to be safe

> i know what you mean. i'm just not ready to give them up. i like knowing they're there if i needed them. i actually carry them with me at all times. like a security blanket or something. i guess that sounds messed up.

 

Re: angry after T session. (long) *possible triggers* » Fallen4MyT

Posted by ghost on May 5, 2004, at 16:22:36

In reply to Re: angry after T session. (long) *possible triggers* » ghost, posted by Fallen4MyT on May 5, 2004, at 13:44:48

> I DO know what you mean and its not messed up..well least not to me lol....I have a lotta stuff to but its a step to health to move them to a friend OR safety deposit box..they are still yours but ....longer to get to them....baby steps best to be safe

i know. i'll think about it.

 

Re: It's raining keys... » ghost

Posted by spoc on May 7, 2004, at 15:13:03

In reply to Re: better give it back..., posted by ghost on May 5, 2004, at 12:20:45

>... funny, somewhat unrelated story: i had a bad spell awhile ago, and was doing my usual online journal venting, and i splashed a few drops of water (not much at all) on my laptop kb and a bunch of the keys just STOPPED WORKING. i was furious. (espeically since my previous laptop had withstood countless soda spills without any problems for many years and this laptop was much newer). it was late at night and all the computer stores were closed. so i went to walmart and bought a cheap $10 kb to get me through the night. but it turns out it was only a ps/2 keyboard (or whatever those round ports are), and my laptop only had usb ports. it came with an adapter but it was the wrong one. i was so angry i smashed the kb to BITS. broke every key off of it. keys were everywhere. i was all bruised up.
the next day i cleaned up all the keys and saved them in a bag (hey, i could use them for art or something). awhile later, when i'd forgotten about the incident, i found a key laying out in the open on my floor. it was (you may have guessed) the escape key. >

----
I don't know why it is that some descriptions in particular, not always necessarily the likely ones, will jump out at me and make me really feel the sadness there. And here, you were leading up to the relative humor in having later found the 'escape' key remaining out in the open, after you cleaned up. But for some reason when I was reading this post last night, I felt like crying, picturing you giving up in frustration over some simple thing that you had gone to great lengths to be able to do in order to feel better for awhile, like composing in your online journal. It just sounds like such a sad, empty late night mess to be in!

Anyway, I hope you find a way to feel better soon (you and me both)! :- )

 

Re: It's raining keys... » spoc

Posted by ghost on May 7, 2004, at 16:41:56

In reply to Re: It's raining keys... » ghost, posted by spoc on May 7, 2004, at 15:13:03

you pretty much nailed how i felt when it happened. that was among the last of the signals that sparked me to finally get some help. i am, by no means, a violent person.

thanks for your kind words....


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