Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 332291

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Re: i can't find the words gardenergirl

Posted by crushedout on April 4, 2004, at 16:13:30

In reply to Re: i can't find the words, posted by gardenergirl on April 4, 2004, at 15:14:34


Thanks, gg. Yes, that post is a good starting point, I guess. I'm probably looking for the perfect words, something that will move her to tears (or, at least, me).

I am thinking, though, that this relationship with her is not good for me. I started cutting to hurt her, or to get a reaction out of her, and I was successful (she got angry). Now she tells me it hurts her when I do it. Do you guys think that is too codependent of her, to be hurt by my cutting? She says it hurts even more because I know it hurts her and I do it anyway. I mean, her reaction makes sense to me, and I found it moving (and it made me want to stop cutting, at the time), but is that normal, healthy, whatever? Just wondering.

 

Re: i can't find the words

Posted by gardenergirl on April 4, 2004, at 17:06:24

In reply to Re: i can't find the words gardenergirl, posted by crushedout on April 4, 2004, at 16:13:30

I personally don't think her response that it hurts her is helpful. It is either manipulative or serious countertransference. Either way, I don't think it is therapeutic for you. It puts your SI'ing in terms of her, when it really is your behavior.

Sorry if this is overly harsh. I think you ARE working through transference by thinking of ending the relationship and realizing it may not be therapeutic any longer. I think her reaction to your SI is evidence that it is no longer working.

I wish you the very best. Whatever you decide, I know it won't be easy. Take care, sweet.

(((Crushedout)))

gg

 

Re: Important clarification crushedout

Posted by Dinah on April 4, 2004, at 19:51:29

In reply to Re: Important clarification Dinah, posted by crushedout on April 4, 2004, at 10:02:36

If you want to meet me in Open, or email me, I'll tell you what his reaction was. I found it rather hurtful to put into words and my own reaction made me reluctant to disclose it to others for fear they would also find it hurtful.

 

Re: i can't find the words gardenergirl

Posted by crushedout on April 4, 2004, at 22:00:25

In reply to Re: i can't find the words, posted by gardenergirl on April 4, 2004, at 17:06:24


I don't think that was harsh at all. I asked you for your opinion and I really appreciate it. I also appreciate your caring and support very much.

Thanks, gg.

 

Re: i can't find the words gardenergirl

Posted by crushedout on April 4, 2004, at 22:07:50

In reply to Re: i can't find the words, posted by gardenergirl on April 4, 2004, at 17:06:24

In my T's defense, I *asked* her how my SI'ing made her feel, or how she felt about it. I suppose she could have refused to answer me, though.

I'm just confused. What you say makes sense, but I also felt like she was just answering my question honestly. Maybe she is just too codependent. It shouldn't hurt her. Or, she was lying and then she's manipulative and really, really weird.

This seems to be what happens to me a lot with her: she does something that I on the one hand respect for its honesty, and on the other, wonder if it's really kosher because it seems a bit unconventional to say the least. Then I solicit other people's opinions (which are often critical of her) and then I feel like I need to defend her, worrying that I haven't really given you the whole picture.

 

Re: i can't find the words

Posted by gardenergirl on April 4, 2004, at 22:36:11

In reply to Re: i can't find the words gardenergirl, posted by crushedout on April 4, 2004, at 22:07:50

Hmm, I think you are right about that pattern. Thinking back on other threads, that has been what has been happening. Do you think this is specific to your relationship with your T, or does it sound like a pattern in other areas?

gg

 

Re: i can't find the words gardenergirl

Posted by crushedout on April 4, 2004, at 22:56:06

In reply to Re: i can't find the words, posted by gardenergirl on April 4, 2004, at 22:36:11


I think it's something I only have with my T. I can't think of any other examples of that happening in my life.

 

Re: i can't find the words

Posted by gardenergirl on April 4, 2004, at 23:26:04

In reply to Re: i can't find the words gardenergirl, posted by crushedout on April 4, 2004, at 22:56:06

Thanks for responding to my last. I realized that I probably was wearing my T in training hat, and I know that's not what you are looking for here. Sorry. Good luck in your next session. I'll be thinking about you.

gg

 

Re: premeditating SI (caution may trigger)

Posted by Miss Honeychurch on April 5, 2004, at 16:14:58

In reply to premeditating SI (caution may trigger), posted by crushedout on April 3, 2004, at 22:13:28

Crushed,

Can I be blunt here?

You have been thinking about firing your therapist for weeks now, right? You even went in one day and fired her but she talked you out of it.

I think this is your body's and your mind's way of telling you to trust your instincts. Trust yourself. Your T is not good for you.

One route to take would be to fire your current one and then get a male T, someone for whom transference would be less painful.

 

my grandma died today

Posted by crushedout on April 5, 2004, at 17:53:58

In reply to Re: premeditating SI (caution may trigger), posted by Miss Honeychurch on April 5, 2004, at 16:14:58


I'm doing okay, but it's sad. I think I won't cut. But it's going to be hard to fire my T tomorrow, since I probably will need her support pretty badly.

Also, I have some other weird stuff to tell you guys but maybe I'm not up to it right now.

 

Re: premeditating SI (caution may trigger) Miss Honeychurch

Posted by crushedout on April 5, 2004, at 17:56:20

In reply to Re: premeditating SI (caution may trigger), posted by Miss Honeychurch on April 5, 2004, at 16:14:58


I appreciate your honesty, Miss Honeychurch. I really do. I think you may be right. I'll have to see.

And a male therapist might be a good idea, but they've never worked for me in the past. I just don't feel comfortable with men. But it does prevent the whole transference thing (altogether, in fact). I don't even have child-parent type feelings towards men. I think that might be also why it doesn't work.

 

soory about your loss :-( (nm)

Posted by Fallen4myT on April 5, 2004, at 18:10:37

In reply to my grandma died today, posted by crushedout on April 5, 2004, at 17:53:58

 

thanks, fallen (nm)

Posted by crushedout on April 5, 2004, at 18:20:44

In reply to soory about your loss :-( (nm), posted by Fallen4myT on April 5, 2004, at 18:10:37

 

Re: my grandma died today crushedout

Posted by DaisyM on April 5, 2004, at 19:41:18

In reply to my grandma died today, posted by crushedout on April 5, 2004, at 17:53:58

Crushed, I'm sorry for your loss. I hope she didn't suffer and wasn't alone.

I believe that God calls his children home at really special times of the year and Easter/Passover is such a blessed time. I hope you can find comfort in knowing that.

You, and she, are in my prayers today. Take good care of yourself and do something that would make her smile.
Daisy

 

Re: my grandma died today crushedout

Posted by Raindancer on April 5, 2004, at 19:54:43

In reply to my grandma died today, posted by crushedout on April 5, 2004, at 17:53:58

So sorry to hear of the loss of your grandma. You are in my thoughts and prayers. A part of those we love always stays with us and I hope you will be comforted and given strength at this sad time.

Raindancer

 

thank you daisy and raindancer

Posted by crushedout on April 5, 2004, at 19:58:04

In reply to Re: my grandma died today crushedout, posted by Raindancer on April 5, 2004, at 19:54:43


I am sad, but I got to tell her I loved her just before she died, and I know she is inside of me. I remember her very fondly. I am going to be with my family tomorrow and I think it will be really nice. She was a really funny, tough old bird, and I will miss her.

 

Re: my grandma died today

Posted by Joslynn on April 5, 2004, at 20:01:56

In reply to my grandma died today, posted by crushedout on April 5, 2004, at 17:53:58

Oh no! I am so sorry. A sad thing of course, and then of course there is the timing factor on top of everything else.

 

Re: my grandma died today crushedout

Posted by gardenergirl on April 5, 2004, at 21:11:23

In reply to my grandma died today, posted by crushedout on April 5, 2004, at 17:53:58

Oh crushed, I'm so sorry. My grandma died on Easter Sunday three years ago. It was very hard for me, but I think of her with me whenever I am singing in the shower or along with the radio, as she really loved to sing.

I'm sure you will miss her and grieve, but she will always be with you.

((((crushed))))

gg

 

thanks everyone

Posted by crushedout on April 5, 2004, at 21:20:37

In reply to Re: my grandma died today crushedout, posted by gardenergirl on April 5, 2004, at 21:11:23


i'm really okay. sad, but in a good way. it's almost better, i find (as twisted as this sounds) when i have an actual *reason* to be sad, than when i'm just depressed and have no clue why. do you know what i mean? i hope i don't sound callous. i'm really not.

anyway, i wonder if i should bring up the termination thing tomorrow after all. i'm tempted to, but it's kind of scary right now. i guess i'll just see how it goes.

 

Re: my grandma died today crushedout

Posted by All Done on April 5, 2004, at 21:53:29

In reply to my grandma died today, posted by crushedout on April 5, 2004, at 17:53:58

Sorry to hear about your grandma, crushedout. Make sure you take care of yourself during this difficult time.

All Done

 

Re: I'm very sorry for your loss. (nm) crushedout

Posted by Dinah on April 6, 2004, at 8:32:27

In reply to my grandma died today, posted by crushedout on April 5, 2004, at 17:53:58

 

Re: my grandma died today crushedout

Posted by terrics on April 6, 2004, at 11:36:11

In reply to my grandma died today, posted by crushedout on April 5, 2004, at 17:53:58

Sorry about your grandma. ((((crushed))))
terrics

 

Redirect: my grandma died today

Posted by Dr. Bob on April 6, 2004, at 20:18:23

In reply to Re: my grandma died today crushedout, posted by terrics on April 6, 2004, at 11:36:11

> Sorry about your grandma...

I'm sorry, too, but I'd also like to redirect follow-ups about loss to Psycho-Babble Grief. Here's a link:

http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20040220/msgs/333506.html

Thanks,

Bob

 

had therapy today it was so painful

Posted by crushedout on April 6, 2004, at 23:31:00

In reply to Redirect: my grandma died today, posted by Dr. Bob on April 6, 2004, at 20:18:23


Well, I went to therapy today. We spent the first half talking about my grandma and my family but then I brought up the termination issue in the second half. It was really weird and confusing. I explained that I felt like it wasn't really working anymore, that therapy was causing me more problems than helping me at this point, and I didn't feel like we were making any progress on working through my transference. Quite the opposite, in fact: I felt like it was getting worse and more painful.

She looked mad. I asked her if she was mad but she said she wasn't -- she was just sad for me. She wished she could make the process go faster for me but she couldn't. She felt like if I stopped therapy, I would be missing an important opportunity to work through some stuff about my mother (I really don't see the connection, which I told her, and she looked annoyed). She said she would support me whatever I decided and that she didn't necessarily disagree with me that it was a bad idea. For example, she said, she thought I should stop if (a) I was having trouble feeling invested in the rest of my life (umm, yes) and/or (b) my feelings about her were making me feel so "dysregulated" that the only way I could cope with them was to cut (um, yes also).

This is a brief, haphazard summary of what happened. I almost cried a few times (rare, for me) and she seemed very unempathic (unusual, for her). But that could have just been my perception, I suppose. She scooted me out of there in a way that made me feel really bad (we had run over).

Then I left to travel to see my family far away (where I am now). At my layover airport, I started crying (it felt like really, really deep grief, but not about my grandma -- about my T) and couldn't stop. It was so painful. I ended up calling her and leaving a message. She didn't call me back.

I'm really depressed and confused and lost. I don't want to stop seeing her at all because she's the most important person in the world to me. The only person in the world who makes me feel understood (most of the time), safe, who I respect and love dearly. I don't know. It's going to be sooo painful to give her up. But she also causes me sooo much pain that I think I should. But maybe I *am* passing up an important opportunity. And this bond we've developed -- a bond I've *never* found anywhere else in my entire life -- how can I just walk away from that?

Plus, there's the whole matter of finding another T. I am so picky, especially now. I'll never find one. I feel pretty miserable, hopeless even. help.

 

Re: had therapy today it was so painful

Posted by gardenergirl on April 6, 2004, at 23:38:44

In reply to had therapy today it was so painful, posted by crushedout on April 6, 2004, at 23:31:00

Crushed,
I can imagine how hard this session was for you, and how raw you must be feeling with everything going on.

I think your T's reasons for you when a person should terminate make a lot of sense. Yes, you may be missing out on working through a maternal transference, but I would ask her overtly what she means by that.

And also, termination, in situations when it is agreed upon by both, can take several sessions to come to conclusion. What do you think about continuing to see your T to process termination while you "shop" for a new one? That way you can have an outlet for dealing with the pain it brings up, you can try to gain some closure, and you can still feel understood by somoeone. The only caveat to this is if you would put off finding a new T because you are having too much trouble breaking away from your old T even if you decided to.

At any rate, please take extra special care of yourself. Try to focus on YOUR needs, and less on your T's reactions and feelings. You are in the therapy relationship for your own needs. If they are not getting met, then it makes sense to try someone else.

gg


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