Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 331532

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I exasperate my T (and then some rambling)

Posted by crushedout on April 1, 2004, at 19:16:59

I dissociated *again* today. She admitted what I had felt: that she found it exasperating and frustrating. She said it made her feel helpless and isolated, and that it felt punishing, whether I meant it to be or not.

She also said (later on, trying to cheer me up, I guess) that although I was definitely a challenge for her, she "enjoy[s] -- no -- *appreciate[s]* the challenge."

I cried again just at the end of the session, after dissociating the whole time. (I don't *want* to dissociate! I swear! I hate it. I live to be in therapy, and then when I get there, I'm not even there. It's *extremely* frustrating for me.)

Now, the rambling: I've been having a lot of self-destructive thoughts. I just want so desperately to cuddle with my T. I wish I could tell her this but I'm embarrassed. It's like, if I can't cuddle with her, I don't want to live. I just keep thinking that. And I've been stuck in this thought process, which just keeps getting more intense, for over a year. It's really tedious and painful and difficult. I don't believe it will ever end. I'm even dating other people but I just can't stop thinking about her. I permanently imprinted on her.

 

Re: I exasperate my T (and then some rambling)

Posted by DaisyM on April 1, 2004, at 20:58:36

In reply to I exasperate my T (and then some rambling), posted by crushedout on April 1, 2004, at 19:16:59

I'm so sorry Crushed, you sound so sad. I think the planets are lined up against all of us these days.

I totally understand the desire to cuddle. Can i tell you something my Therapist told me today? We were talking about magic phrases and how I so desperately wanted him to rescue me from this pain and say the right thing that would help me pull myself back together. He offered an interpretation of my request for the phrase: he said "I think what you really want/need is not help pulling yourself together but rather something to soothe and comfort you. You are so use to doing that for yourself that it really feels awful to not be able to. And asking for words from me is a safe request but I don't think there are words that will soothe right now. It is more primitive than that." We went on to talk about soothing things and how when we touch on those really needy places that physical comfort (cuddling) is the yearning that is unleashed.

So it sounds to me like this is a need that comes up commonly in therapy, and you shouldn't be embarrassed about it. Is there anyone else you can cuddle with? A friend, child, dog? Holding and being held is an OK thing to want. Even from your Therapist.

Be kind to yourself.
Daisy

 

Re: I exasperate my T (and then some rambling) » DaisyM

Posted by crushedout on April 1, 2004, at 21:07:31

In reply to Re: I exasperate my T (and then some rambling), posted by DaisyM on April 1, 2004, at 20:58:36


Your post made me cry, Daisy, thank you. I mean that. I'm not saying it sarcastically. I needed to cry. It *is* ok to want that from my T, even though I can't have it.

The crazy thing is I get so much cuddling it's ridiculous. I have an extremely loving cat, I babysit for two cuddly children every day, and I'm dating someone who's coming over tonight (with her adorable dog who loves me) just to cuddle and spend the night. But I never feel satisfied with all that. I want to cuddle with my T. Everything else is nice, but it doesn't fulfill this deep, painful longing I have. I don't understand what that's about. She can't have that magical power I think she does, but I feel in my bones that if I could just be in her arms one time, I would be cured and everything would be ok.

i'm crying so much as I write this.

 

Re: I exasperate my T (and then some rambling)

Posted by DaisyM on April 1, 2004, at 21:25:45

In reply to Re: I exasperate my T (and then some rambling) » DaisyM, posted by crushedout on April 1, 2004, at 21:07:31

Crushed -- if you can -- tell me about your mom and dad and what early life was like for you. In my therapy we are connecting attachments, both physical and emotional, with part of what is going on for me now and this need to be nurtured and the need to run from that need.

I'm curious if there is a connection and who your Therapist might be standing in for.

Of course, I could be all wet too...not everything is transference.

Daisy

 

Re: I exasperate my T (and then some rambling) » DaisyM

Posted by crushedout on April 1, 2004, at 21:53:50

In reply to Re: I exasperate my T (and then some rambling), posted by DaisyM on April 1, 2004, at 21:25:45

Well, my mother said she never loved anyone until I was born, and then I was the center of her world for all of my childhood. I was her only child. My mom and dad split up when I was 4 and when I was 7 my mom moved to another town and separated me from my dad. My dad was devastated and committed to keeping me in his life so he did everything to fight for every moment with me -- got me for all summers, vacations, three-day weekends, etc. That meant I was travelling alone frequently at a very young age, which I think was pretty hard for me. But basically my parents were very loving (maybe too loving?) and committed to me.

On the other hand, my mother was depressed a lot and so she probably wasn't always that good at taking care of me.

But my therapist doesn't remind me of either of my parents at all. She's very unlike them. That's not to say it's not transference. I think sometimes transference can be about what you didn't have, rather than what you did have.

But it *seems* like I got all my needs met. I know I must not have, but it wasn't like I was an abused or neglected child. I just want more mothering. And I want it from her and her alone. I'm so confused.

Things with her are not going well at all these days. We're stuck, she's exasperated and sick of me (I'm sure she's not attracted to me anymore, especially since I started hurting myself), and I'm just feeling worse and worse about myself and more hopeless. Even though everything else in my life is going so well: dating, friends, family, jobs, money. I just don't understand what's happening.

 

Re: I exasperate my T (and then some rambling) » crushedout

Posted by Fallen4myT on April 1, 2004, at 23:52:45

In reply to Re: I exasperate my T (and then some rambling) » DaisyM, posted by crushedout on April 1, 2004, at 21:53:50

Crushed I GET IT as I too want that with my T and hubby and my pets do not fill that need.,,Its a T specific NEED. Daisy is smart and wise on this the cats and dog DO help me a bit.....not hubby ick...but its like wanting to swim and just getting to put your foot in the pool :-( I know...and I am sorry.....man i know...my T is out of town and I ache..

 

daisy/ and crushed...well all » DaisyM

Posted by Fallen4myT on April 2, 2004, at 0:02:38

In reply to Re: I exasperate my T (and then some rambling), posted by DaisyM on April 1, 2004, at 20:58:36

you said...>I'm so sorry Crushed, you sound so sad. I think the planets are lined up against all of us these days. >> Don't lol the planets are in an odd alignment not to be seen again for years I think it said....scary cause we are all way down too


http://science.nasa.gov/headlines/y2004/19mar_planets.htm

 

i like that metaphor... » Fallen4myT

Posted by crushedout on April 2, 2004, at 13:01:21

In reply to Re: I exasperate my T (and then some rambling) » crushedout, posted by Fallen4myT on April 1, 2004, at 23:52:45


of wanting to swim. i was trying to think of a metaphor like that and i couldn't.

i'm glad you understand what i mean.

 

Re: i like that metaphor... » crushedout

Posted by Fallen4myT on April 2, 2004, at 16:32:25

In reply to i like that metaphor... » Fallen4myT, posted by crushedout on April 2, 2004, at 13:01:21

I do..I REALLY REALLY do understand and so does Daisy I hope I didn't sound like she didnt she is just more mature than me and ahead of the game mentally I bet...You would like an old song...it has a lot of those metaphors in it...I think its called No one ever is to blame....and they use the pool thing......I want to stress that Daisey has a VERY valid point in that if you will your day with a LOT of OTHER hugs and pets etc..it will help a great deal....you'll still want the dip but....

 

Re: I exasperate my T (and then some rambling) » crushedout

Posted by terrics on April 2, 2004, at 16:36:25

In reply to I exasperate my T (and then some rambling), posted by crushedout on April 1, 2004, at 19:16:59

Wasn't your T. 'interested' in you at one point. [have feelings for you I mean]. Whatever happened with that? I could be mistaken but I thought it was you.

I also can relate to your feelings. I am switching Ts cause I got into a DBT program, but I love my T. even though she does some very unusual things and I do not think they are healthy for me. I think about her all the time which I doubt is healthy and is part of the reason I want DBT. I want some control of myself. I want to make healthy choices. Right now my T. will charge me $10.00 and I can see her while going to DBT which I am sure is a mistake but right now I am going to see her. So I think I understand how you feel to some degree and I wish you whatever is best. [My T crosses boundries terribly. She asked me for a hug the other day]. terrics

 

Re: I exasperate my T (and then some rambling) » crushedout

Posted by DaisyM on April 2, 2004, at 17:16:25

In reply to Re: I exasperate my T (and then some rambling) » DaisyM, posted by crushedout on April 1, 2004, at 21:53:50

I think you are absolutely right that transference can be about what you *didn't* get...I get the distinct feeling that my Therapist is wondering if he is "standing in" for my mom right now. I wonder that myself...

But I know that the tremendous need for someone to see the real you, to be with you and meet your emotional and physical needs, is an adult need as well as a need that might be left over from childhood.

My guess with a depressed mom might be that you have some need to caretake - getting what you need but being careful not to overwhelm a person. I don't know if your Therapist has proven that she can handle your intense needs, or if she has shown herself open to them, etc. If I remember correctly, there were issues about reciprocity around Christmas time, so maybe it is that "hope" that was ignited...I don't know.

This whole attachment thing is so complicated and distressing sometimes. I know the "why it can be good" parts but still.

I hope you find a way to get "cuddled" and your evening was great.

 

Re: I exasperate my T (and then some rambling) » terrics

Posted by crushedout on April 2, 2004, at 17:18:19

In reply to Re: I exasperate my T (and then some rambling) » crushedout, posted by terrics on April 2, 2004, at 16:36:25


Yes, that was me. My T said she had felt attracted to me at time, and wanted to take care of me (and made me a mix CD because she wanted to take care of me). But I don't know if I'd say she was "interested." And I suspect she's gotten over those feelings at this point because I've made her feel too suffocated or something, and she doesn't like that I've started to SI. But I don't really know. Those kinds of feelings can come and go, I suppose.

I wish my T would ask me for a hug.


> Wasn't your T. 'interested' in you at one point. [have feelings for you I mean]. Whatever happened with that? I could be mistaken but I thought it was you.
>
> I also can relate to your feelings. I am switching Ts cause I got into a DBT program, but I love my T. even though she does some very unusual things and I do not think they are healthy for me. I think about her all the time which I doubt is healthy and is part of the reason I want DBT. I want some control of myself. I want to make healthy choices. Right now my T. will charge me $10.00 and I can see her while going to DBT which I am sure is a mistake but right now I am going to see her. So I think I understand how you feel to some degree and I wish you whatever is best. [My T crosses boundries terribly. She asked me for a hug the other day]. terrics

 

Re: i like that metaphor...

Posted by DaisyM on April 2, 2004, at 17:21:34

In reply to Re: i like that metaphor... » crushedout, posted by Fallen4myT on April 2, 2004, at 16:32:25

No need to defend, I wasn't insulted. I'm not sure I like the "mature" label though, kind of like being "ma'amed"...LOL.

I actually have an intense attachment to my Therapist but it isn't romantic in anyway. But I've been known to implore him to "make it all better", to wave his magic wand (he always tells me it is in the shop) or to use his crystal ball and tell me when we will be done. So I know that longing to be taken care of.

I actually found myself, for the first time EVER wishing I could cry on his shoulder, not metaphorically. I told him and then added, if he came within 2 feet of me, I'd bolt, but it was nice to see that trust continues to grow.

 

Re: i like that metaphor... LOL DAISY » DaisyM

Posted by Fallen4myT on April 2, 2004, at 17:28:11

In reply to Re: i like that metaphor..., posted by DaisyM on April 2, 2004, at 17:21:34

I meant mature like you have your sH** more together than me lol NOOOO MAAM stuff lol....I am like a school girl when it comes to my T and I have to lol at your bolting if your T came two feet from your chair...haha I might do something like that...as much as I want my T to make THAT romantic move I might end up standing there like a dope....and the moment would pass :) OR I'D HAVE MEGA FUN ;-P

 

Re: I exasperate my T (and then some rambling) » crushedout

Posted by Fallen4myT on April 2, 2004, at 17:31:24

In reply to Re: I exasperate my T (and then some rambling) » terrics, posted by crushedout on April 2, 2004, at 17:18:19

Crushed..the thing with her hugging you is....can you stop at JUST one??? Would it be a drug in the end..needing more and more??? See that would be my concern here..shes not going to go further you have said....Can you really take..just ONE hug???
To me...I would be addicted like a drug to my T;s hug <-- not meant to be me bustin' a rhyme

 

Re: I exasperate my T (and then some rambling) » Fallen4myT

Posted by crushedout on April 2, 2004, at 17:45:25

In reply to Re: I exasperate my T (and then some rambling) » crushedout, posted by Fallen4myT on April 2, 2004, at 17:31:24


yeah, no, i don't think i'd be satisfied with anything short of her marrying me. :(

but i'd settle for a hug, anyway. or, even better, for her to hold me for 10 minutes.


> Crushed..the thing with her hugging you is....can you stop at JUST one??? Would it be a drug in the end..needing more and more??? See that would be my concern here..shes not going to go further you have said....Can you really take..just ONE hug???
> To me...I would be addicted like a drug to my T;s hug <-- not meant to be me bustin' a rhyme

 

Re: I exasperate my T (and then some rambling) » crushedout

Posted by Fallen4myT on April 2, 2004, at 17:49:23

In reply to Re: I exasperate my T (and then some rambling) » Fallen4myT, posted by crushedout on April 2, 2004, at 17:45:25

I thought so cause we are a lot alike. I would SETTLE also but it might bring the yearning up more..ughhh..but so what lol I WOULD go for it...I am not sure thats smart but thats me
hugs


> yeah, no, i don't think i'd be satisfied with anything short of her marrying me. :(
>
> but i'd settle for a hug, anyway. or, even better, for her to hold me for 10 minutes.
>
>
> > Crushed..the thing with her hugging you is....can you stop at JUST one??? Would it be a drug in the end..needing more and more??? See that would be my concern here..shes not going to go further you have said....Can you really take..just ONE hug???
> > To me...I would be addicted like a drug to my T;s hug <-- not meant to be me bustin' a rhyme
>
>

 

crushed the song but be braced it will tug at u » Fallen4myT

Posted by Fallen4myT on April 2, 2004, at 17:53:20

In reply to Re: I exasperate my T (and then some rambling) » crushedout, posted by Fallen4myT on April 2, 2004, at 17:49:23

How I FEEL and I think how you also feel


You can look at the menu but you just can’t eat
You can feel the cushions but you can’t have a seat
You can dip your foot in the pool but you can’t have a swim
You can feel the punishment but you can’t commit the sin
And you want her and she wants you
We want everyone
And you want her and she wants you
No one, no one, no one ever is to blame
You can build a mansion but you just can’t live in it
You’re the fastest runner but you’re not allowed to win
Some break the rules
And live to count the cost
The insecurity is the thing that won’t get lost
And you want her and she wants you
We want everyone
And you want her and she wants you
No one, no one, no one ever is to blame
You can see the summit but you can’t reach it
It’s the last piece of the puzzle but you just can’t make it fit
Doctor says you’re cured but you still feel the pain
Aspirations in the clouds but your hopes go down the drain
And you want her and she wants you
We want everyone
And you want her and she wants you
No one, no one, no one ever is to blame
No one ever is to blame
No one ever is to blame

 

thank you for the song fallen! (nm) » Fallen4myT

Posted by crushedout on April 2, 2004, at 18:50:16

In reply to crushed the song but be braced it will tug at u » Fallen4myT, posted by Fallen4myT on April 2, 2004, at 17:53:20

 

Re: i like that metaphor... » DaisyM

Posted by Dinah on April 2, 2004, at 20:20:55

In reply to Re: i like that metaphor..., posted by DaisyM on April 2, 2004, at 17:21:34

Mine patted me on the arm today. Sort of like a person who hasn't been around many dogs pats a dog. :)

He's touched me on the arm while ushering me out a couple of times. I wonder if I was being slow going out the door. I don't *think* I am ever slow unless I'm having a tantrum, and it wasn't then that he touched my arm.

Overall his metaphorical holding and soothing is a lot more satisfying than real touching can be, I think.


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