Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 314418

Shown: posts 1 to 25 of 26. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

I got an F on my Homework

Posted by DaisyM on February 16, 2004, at 23:29:11

I told my Therapist about my description of how things are feeling right now, the deep end of the pool, etc. He was upset that I had him outside of the pool "still".

T -- "Don't you believe that I can help you?" he asked.
D -- "I believe that you are holding me together but that ultimately I have to learn to be OK with what happened to me and only I can do that" I said.
T -- "You are still holding back."
D -- "Not holding back as much as stopping short. I self-edit, I can't help it."
T - "Is there anything I can do to make it safer for you so you don't have to hold back?"

I said no, that I thought it was me, it just felt so dangerous to have told anyone all this stuff and to continue to reveal the ugly parts of me every session. That I felt like a child much of the time and had to fight hard to keep the adult in control. He said he knows how hard it is but he wanted to know what the little girl wanted from him, no editing from the adult. So I let her tell him I wanted him to keep me safe, I wanted him to not let me down, to always be available, to not take vacations, or Holidays or sick days, etc. She wants him to fight for what is best for her, not what is best for the rest of the world. She wanted him to understand how alone she feels and how painful all this is. And how confused she is. He said he was doing his best to understand it all and to make a safe place for her. And he knew she wanted these things from him. He wanted her to know she could tell him anything.

Then the adult me freaked out and backed off, told him I knew this was way too much to ask of anyone. He said he knew I would say that, that it was OK what I said and what I needed. And that we would keep talking about it. I told him it was just too hard to identify a need that could not be met.

Now I am imploding...how could I have told him all that? And why do I feel so amazingly bad to have said it?

 

Re: I got an F on my Homework » DaisyM

Posted by Dinah on February 17, 2004, at 0:19:31

In reply to I got an F on my Homework, posted by DaisyM on February 16, 2004, at 23:29:11

That's not an "F", that's a "continuing to improve". :) Which is all any of us can hope for. If we ever are completely perfect at it, we won't need it anymore.

And you proved it by going on to discuss something that it really took a lot of trust in your therapist for you to discuss.

Could it be that you told him all that because you trust him not to think less of you for it, and you were right.

And maybe you feel bad about it, because it's hard to shake off all those old rules about it not being ok to need something? I'm just guessing there.

My therapist tells me (all the time) that there's nothing wrong with needing or wanting whatever I need or want. And there's nothing wrong with asking for whatever I need or want. And there's nothing wrong with finding out that sometimes the answer is yes, and sometimes the answer is I'm sorry but no.

That's what he tells me, though I don't yet believe it.

So I especially admire your courage, and I'm glad your therapist responded admirably.

 

Re: I got an F on my Homework

Posted by Speaker on February 17, 2004, at 2:35:27

In reply to Re: I got an F on my Homework » DaisyM, posted by Dinah on February 17, 2004, at 0:19:31

Daisy,

I agree with Dinah...you are very brave! Please take care of yourself. You are worth all the giving your T gives...I am thankful you have him. It is hard to trust and you seem to be doing a good job even though it is very uncomfortable. (((((Daisy)))))

 

Re: I got an F on my Homework

Posted by rs on February 17, 2004, at 6:02:46

In reply to I got an F on my Homework, posted by DaisyM on February 16, 2004, at 23:29:11

Oh Daisy. You did well. That comes from the bottom of my heart. You were speaking the truth. Your therapist sounds wonderful and wants the little girl to speak. You must reach out to her and let him comfort her. Please be proud of what you did and continue to express what she wants. Many hugs to you.

 

Re: Looks like an 'A-' to me... » DaisyM

Posted by fallsfall on February 17, 2004, at 7:15:19

In reply to I got an F on my Homework, posted by DaisyM on February 16, 2004, at 23:29:11

The way that I understand the grading in therapy, your session would get an 'A-', not an 'F'.

You get points in therapy for being honest and telling it like it is. You get points for admitting things that you think are shameful, but are true. You get points for not avoiding things. You get points for answering the questions that your therapist asks. Your little kid did all of these things, and I would give her an 'A+'. She looked into herself and told what was in her heart.

Now the adult in you did make that grade go from an 'A+' to an 'A-'. The adult looked at it from a practical standpoint and said that the kid could never get what she wanted. That may be true, BUT, that doesn't mean that the kid doesn't still want (and need) that. The adult was also concerned that it was asking too much - was the adult concerned that the therapist wasn't "strong" enough to give the kid what she needs, or was the adult concerned that the kid's need was unreasonable (that the kid isn't important enough to warrant such attention)? In either case, this is not what the therapist asked. The therapist asked the child what she needed and the child answered. The adult didn't need to step in at that time. The conversation was between the therapist and the child.

And, note that the therapist was NOT surprised by what the child said (nor was he surprised by the adult's shame). The fact that he was NOT surprised should indicate that BOTH reactions were fairly normal.

The child will not ALWAYS get what she wants. The adult is wise, and knows that. But the adult needs to recognize that "reality" doesn't change what the child needs - it only changes whether she'll get it or not.

Now that the therapist and the adult know what the child needs, they have a job to do TOGETHER. The child needs to gently be taught that while this may be what she wants, that reality and practicality say that she won't always get what she wants. Sometimes, she will get what she wants. But sometimes the therapist will "fail" her. This is where the adult comes in. The adult needs to support the child through the failure so that the child can come out the other side and realize that even though there WAS a failure, that the child survived. The first time this happens will be terrifying for the child. But if, most of the time, the child's needs are met, and occasionally (not too often, not too seldom - optimally) there is a failure and the child learns that she can survive the failure, then she will learn that she can depend on herself for short periods of time. This is called growing.

This is how our parents were supposed to teach us. When we were days old, they were with us all of the time and took care of our every need. But every once in a while they couldn't get to us immediately (maybe they were in the bathroom), and we had to cry for a minute - but then they came and it was OK again. As we got older we learned that if they didn't come immediately that we would cry and they would come (always). So after a while, we would cry to let them know that we needed them - and then we would stop crying for a minute because we had faith that they would come. If they STILL took too long, we might start crying again - just to remind them that we needed them. But we knew that they would come.

Somehow, Daisy, you (and I) didn't learn this lesson when we were very, very little. We didn't learn that they really would come - and we are still afraid that someday they won't come. That is tragic.

In therapy we have the chance to learn that "they" will always come (but we may have to wait just a little). This time the "they" is our therapists, not our parents. Our therapists will go through the same teaching process that our parents should have done - just a little frustration, then a little more, until we can tolerate the amount of frustration that the real world gives.

But, Daisy, if the adult in you won't let the child need and cry, then your therapist CAN'T respond (because he doesn't know that your child is needy). This proves to your child that he WON'T respond. That is not what you want to learn. You need to let the child be heard so that she can experience these "optimal frustrations" - so that she can learn to tolerate the world as it truly is. She will learn and adjust and grow - but only if she is heard and responded to.

 

Re: Fallsfall, you're terrific

Posted by Dinah on February 17, 2004, at 8:20:39

In reply to Re: Looks like an 'A-' to me... » DaisyM, posted by fallsfall on February 17, 2004, at 7:15:19

If you don't mind, I'll print that post out as you say that much more nicely than my therapist does.

 

Re: I got an F on my Homework » DaisyM

Posted by Penny on February 17, 2004, at 9:47:34

In reply to I got an F on my Homework, posted by DaisyM on February 16, 2004, at 23:29:11

I think you got an "A+" Daisy, dear.

I am so in awe of your strength in being so completely honest and making yourself vulnerable to him. So in awe...

(((Daisy)))

You did well. Really really well. And it sounds like he really cares - so you will be able to work through this. It won't be easy, but he's on your side, and we're on your side.

P

 

You're all easy graders

Posted by DaisyM on February 17, 2004, at 9:59:21

In reply to Re: Looks like an 'A-' to me... » DaisyM, posted by fallsfall on February 17, 2004, at 7:15:19

Thanks guys. I feel an enormous, "yeah, but..." coming out from somewhere.

I think part of what I am upset about (2am clarity?) is that I didn't make it clear that while the little girl might want these things, *I* in no way expect my Therapist to provide them. I KNOW they aren't reasonable. I don't want to have this enormous need exposed.

I picture him now thinking, "this woman is going to turn into an obsessed fool and I will never get any peace. We can't do therapy 24/7." *I* don't want that, my life was pretty busy and complicated without therapy.

And I keep coming back to the idea that I still don't understand the rules for therapy. I have allowed my Therapist to provide support and strength and I have confessed the times that he became a life line. But his take on my description was that I still won't let him help me. Maybe I just don't know how to do that. Maybe I should use the cliff analogy and try to figure out how to make that leap.

*sigh* Too much to think about. And the little girl in me is throwing a tantrum because I want to put her back away. I'm going to have to break out the heavy artillery today: cover her up with a suit, heels and pearls!

 

Re: You're all easy graders » DaisyM

Posted by fallsfall on February 17, 2004, at 13:24:33

In reply to You're all easy graders, posted by DaisyM on February 17, 2004, at 9:59:21

> I think part of what I am upset about (2am clarity?) is that I didn't make it clear that while the little girl might want these things, *I* in no way expect my Therapist to provide them. I KNOW they aren't reasonable.

He knows that you don't expect this, and he knows that you know that they aren't reasonable. ("He said he knew I would say that, that it was OK what I said and what I needed. ")
>
>I don't want to have this enormous need exposed.

Why not? The enormous need is a FACT. You can either deal with the fact or deny the fact. So far, in your life you have been denying - has this helped? So you need to deal with it. Dealing with it does not necessarily mean that you give in to it and move into his house so he can hold you at 3AM. Dealing with it means that you accept that it IS your need and then you try to find a way to fill the parts that you can, and reduce the parts that you can't. You can't deal with it if you don't know what it is. You need to accept this need, and then you can start to try to be more realistic about it.

>I picture him now thinking, "this woman is going to turn into an obsessed fool and I will never get any peace. We can't do therapy 24/7." *I* don't want that, my life was pretty busy and complicated without therapy.

I am sure that he is not thinking that you are going to turn into an obsessed fool. He knows what your adult thinks. You don’t need to do therapy 24/7 (just because your child wants to doesn’t mean that she will get what she wants). But you DO need to do SOME therapy. Don’t get so spooked that you run away.
>
>And I keep coming back to the idea that I still don't understand the rules for therapy. I have allowed my Therapist to provide support and strength and I have confessed the times that he became a life line. But his take on my description was that I still won't let him help me. Maybe I just don't know how to do that. Maybe I should use the cliff analogy and try to figure out how to make that leap.

T -- "You are still holding back."
D -- "Not holding back as much as stopping short. I self-edit, I can't help it."
T - "Is there anything I can do to make it safer for you so you don't have to hold back?"

He’s not saying you won’t let him help you. He’s saying that you could let him help you MORE. There are days in therapy where I feel like I’m reading the newspaper to my therapist, and there are other days when I am speaking from the deepest part of my soul – where I say what is really TRUE. Sometimes I preface it with “This will sound strange, but…” But on a really good therapy day he gets the words straight from my soul. I did need to decide that I would let him see my soul – I needed to feel that I could trust him to care for my soul. But since my issues are with my Self – that IS at the soul level. He can’t help me if I don’t give him access to the truth about my Self.

Do you know that your therapist cares about you? Do you know that he WILL make decisions based on what is best for YOU (as a good therapist should)? Do you know that he is on your side? If you know these three things, then he will take as good care of you as you will (maybe even better care). So stop self-editing. Stop worrying about what he will think of you (the worst he will think is that you have issues that he needs to help you with). He WANTS to know who you really are – all of you. He is not going to judge you – he is going to help you. He will work WITH you to make the changes that YOU want to make. But he will be much more effective if he knows all of the real you.

Is there a risk? Of course there is. But, honestly, what are your alternatives?
>
> *sigh* Too much to think about. And the little girl in me is throwing a tantrum because I want to put her back away. I'm going to have to break out the heavy artillery today: cover her up with a suit, heels and pearls!

She has been stuffed away most of her life. Don't you think she has been put away enough? When does she get "her" time? She didn't get her time when you were little. If she did, she wouldn't have this enormous need. I think you should take her to the park and let her swing on the swings. Let her know that she IS an important part of you.

I don't know if I have a little girl. I don't think I ever WAS a little girl. I don't know how to play, I don't know how to relax, I don't know how to just "be". I have to always be "working on" something. Over the last 9 years, I have looked really hard for my little girl, but I've only seen her a couple of times. When I try to "play" so that she can come out, I end up working too hard at "playing".

Cherish your little girl, and know that her needs are real, and know that your adult and your therapist can satisfy her (without completely meeting her needs). She deserves that, doesn't she?

 

Our little girls

Posted by antigua on February 17, 2004, at 16:49:49

In reply to Re: You're all easy graders » DaisyM, posted by fallsfall on February 17, 2004, at 13:24:33

I'm struck how similar our situations are and how different they are at the same time.

I had my EMDR session this morning. I was dreading it because I hadn't been in a couple weeks due to weather and T's absence. I really didn't want to go, what good is it, all I'm going to do is feel bad, etc. So, not knowing what to talk to her about, I told her about this writing I had been doing the past several weeks. There's one scene where the adult me finds a little girl chained to the bed. It just came as an idea, not a dream. Clearly, the little girl is me too. I felt she was horrific, that little girl, all dirty and disgusting, whiney, like a wild child really. The adult me backed off.

Well my EMDR T had me imagine what I would do for that little girl. All I could think of was to comfort her, clean her up and feed her, let her know she was loved, just as I would do w/my own child if I saw she was hurting. It was very weird because I could tell that little girl that it wasn't her fault, what happened, it was like she was the victim of a natural disaster or something, and not something that she caused. But I couldn't actually be the little girl, I'm still not there yet, but it was very helpful.

But what I'm struck by (yes, yes I'm getting to the point!!) is that my T concentrates on helping me find the strength to deal w/what is going on--and not leaning on her. I don't know if this is because she knows I don't ever trust anyone anyway, or what, but I don't have that wonderful sense that so many of you do that you can lean on your T. I can count on her, but it's all up to me. Maybe it's because I won't lean on her? It's too scary, though, I don't know how you guys do it. I admire you all so much.
antigua

 

Re: I got an F on my Homework » DaisyM

Posted by Raindancer on February 17, 2004, at 17:07:53

In reply to I got an F on my Homework, posted by DaisyM on February 16, 2004, at 23:29:11

Daisy, No way did you get an F (by the way my T doesn't allow the word into the office any more) - it was surely an A - got to be. What you did and said was really brave - I can understand you feeling exposed afterwards but you have managed to trust and should have belief in that. From what you have said he is worthy of that and strong enough to hold you through this. The adult doesn't like it too well, but perhaps will recognise that she will grow even stronger and wiser as the child's needs are met more fully. What would you say to any one of us in your position? I think you would encourage us to go through with it, caring for ourselves very much and taking each step slowly and surely. Go well Daisy, we are all with you. R x

 

Re: Our little girls2 Daisy et al

Posted by antigua on February 17, 2004, at 17:22:52

In reply to Our little girls, posted by antigua on February 17, 2004, at 16:49:49

My "Our Little Girls" post wasn't specifically directed to you, Daisy, I wasn't comparing our specific situations--I was comparing myself with so many of the people here. Didn't want you to think I was generalizing about you.

Geez, am I insecure? I don't want to tread on anyone's toes.

thanks,
antigua

 

Re: Our little girls

Posted by DaisyM on February 17, 2004, at 23:08:45

In reply to Our little girls, posted by antigua on February 17, 2004, at 16:49:49

>>>But what I'm struck by (yes, yes I'm getting to the point!!) is that my T concentrates on helping me find the strength to deal w/what is going on--and not leaning on her. I don't know if this is because she knows I don't ever trust anyone anyway, or what, but I don't have that wonderful sense that so many of you do that you can lean on your T. I can count on her, but it's all up to me. Maybe it's because I won't lean on her? It's too scary, though, I don't know how you guys do it. I admire you all so much.


<<<<Antigua, I think different methods work for different people (Ok, yes, Captain Obvious has spoken.)I know that ultimately it will be up to me to integrate all this stuff. I think trusting and leaning on a Therapist can be helpful but I agree that it is very scary. I alternate between borrowing my Therapist's strength and hope and pushing him away and trying to rely again only on myself. I think this is why he was upset to be left out of the pool. I told him I thought it was a "rule" that I had to do the work myself. He asked whose rule, and I realized that I had made that assumption -- that it was the only way to get through all of this.

So sometimes trusting is the only way I can hang on. And other times I realize how much I'm leaning and I yank myself back. Old habits for us, is my guess. But I think you are under estimating how much you have learned to lean on your Therapist. You do trust her to follow her advice and you risk talking about really hard subjects with her. So, see how brave you are??

 

Re: You're all easy graders » fallsfall

Posted by DaisyM on February 17, 2004, at 23:23:44

In reply to Re: You're all easy graders » DaisyM, posted by fallsfall on February 17, 2004, at 13:24:33

I know you are right but I can't let him know all of the real me because right now I don't know who I am completely. I think it is amazing that you are allowing your soul to show through in therapy. You are brave to do this.

When I first started therapy I actually said, "I've forgotten how to have fun." I've never found baths, massages or nature hikes relaxing. I get bored fast, I even watch TV while reading or working on my computer. Always multi-task was a lesson learned from mom very early on. Plus I'm a clutz...I do OK playing with little kids for awhile though. Maybe that is a thread to consider - how to have fun. How to play.

I'm realizing more and more that it isn't my Therapist that I don't trust. I don't trust myself to handle all these intense emotions. I can feel the urge to run from therapy taking over again. I know people take breaks sometimes. I'm telling myself it is just because I felt really exposed and vulnerable yesterday.

I do hear you though. I'm trying. It is painful and hard and scary. And I'm worried that I'll find out that the little kid inside me is a brat and deserved some of what she got.

 

A follow Up Phone Call

Posted by DaisyM on February 17, 2004, at 23:50:30

In reply to Re: Our little girls2 Daisy et al, posted by antigua on February 17, 2004, at 17:22:52

I told him on the phone today that I was worried that I had freaked him out by how intense the needs expressed yesterday were. That even though I can recognize that I might have a huge need to be taken care of, I didn't expect him to do that for me. I knew that what was expressed was impossible. I have very realistic expectation of him and of therapy. He said, "I hear the adult is back in charge."

He told me that he expected my call because he thought he had hurt my feelings by being quiet at the end of our session. I said no, no hurt feelings. Just thought it was too much for him to handle. He said he was quiet because it did feel really huge and he was thinking that it would be inevitable that at some point he would disappoint me and he wondered how it felt to hear that. I said I knew that, that noone was perfect and I didn't mean to make him feel bad. Expecting perfection is a huge burden to put on someone. And that ultimately working through this was up to me anyway. He said it made him sad to hear me say that.

He said he thought we had really gone somewhere deep, and he didn't want me to suddenly go back into hiding. That we needed to keep talking about this, and how we both felt about it.

So I'm glad I called to clarify my expectations vs. my fantasy. But I don't think I can help but withdraw some. It does actually feel better tonight to have the adult back in control. She has been missing for awhile. I guess the pearls worked...

 

Re: You're all easy graders » DaisyM

Posted by Crooked Heart on February 18, 2004, at 5:03:52

In reply to You're all easy graders, posted by DaisyM on February 17, 2004, at 9:59:21

>
> And I keep coming back to the idea that I still don't understand the rules for therapy. I have allowed my Therapist to provide support and strength and I have confessed the times that he became a life line. But his take on my description was that I still won't let him help me. Maybe I just don't know how to do that. Maybe I should use the cliff analogy and try to figure out how to make that leap.
>

My therapist said something like that in similar situations, that I was 'protecting' her and I'd think what else is it that I'm supposed to *do* for heaven's sake, what more *can* I do?

I don't know if this idea might be of any use, but just in case it is. Looking back, it seems as though sometimes she was like a warm comfortable fire and I was a child frozen with cold staying in the chilly areas of the room, not daring to move up to the hearth and enjoy the warmth (in case it was abruptly taken away and then I'd be cold *and* have a big loss?).

(The good part now, is that even although I didn't dare let myself be warmed then, I know the fire was there and I get warm thinking about it.)

Sorry if I've said this already in some post, I'm a woman of few ideas :)

 

Re: You're all easy graders » DaisyM

Posted by fallsfall on February 18, 2004, at 8:04:36

In reply to Re: You're all easy graders » fallsfall, posted by DaisyM on February 17, 2004, at 23:23:44

> I know you are right but I can't let him know all of the real me because right now I don't know who I am completely.

I find that it is easier to discover the real me if I'm not alone. That's why I Babble, and IM and email and phone and go to therapy. My own vision of the world is too narrow to accomodate the expanded view of myself. I need others to help stretch the walls so that my self-view can grow.

P.S. You are not EXPECTED to have finished all of your work when you begin therapy... If you were finished, you wouldn't need to be there.

>
> When I first started therapy I actually said, "I've forgotten how to have fun." I've never found baths, massages or nature hikes relaxing. I get bored fast, I even watch TV while reading or working on my computer. Always multi-task was a lesson learned from mom very early on. Plus I'm a clutz...I do OK playing with little kids for awhile though. Maybe that is a thread to consider - how to have fun. How to play.

I can make the list of how to play and have fun, and I can even do the things on the list. But the problem is that when I'm doing the things on the list, I'm just checking things off on the list - I don't actually have fun while I'm doing it. (I'm pretty hopeless...)

>
> I'm realizing more and more that it isn't my Therapist that I don't trust. I don't trust myself to handle all these intense emotions.

EXACTLY. This is why I "bury" my current issue between sessions. I am terrified to see how deep my need is. I'm afraid that by the time I see the whole thing that it will have already swallowed me up.

But I brought it out in my session, and my terror and pain were so intense and so clear. But my therapist didn't freak. He listened and understood and then he calmly put things in perspective. He WAS able to contain it. He DID close it down before I left his office. Usually I leave his office in a complete disarray of tears and over the next 30 - 60 minutes I organize what went on in the session and can start to function. Monday when I left his office I was completely in control - I had stopped crying, I didn't need to stand in the hallway before I could face the real world. I won't open this up again until I am with him - because I don't trust myself to handle all of these emotions, but I DO trust HIM to.
>
> I do hear you though. I'm trying. It is painful and hard and scary. And I'm worried that I'll find out that the little kid inside me is a brat and deserved some of what she got.

I can't imagine that ANY part of someone as wonderful as you could be such a brat. NO CHILD DESERVES what you got as a child. You didn't cause things to happen. It wasn't your fault. You know that for everyone else - well, it applies to you, too.

((((((Daisy - big and little))))))

 

Re: Inner children » DaisyM

Posted by Dinah on February 18, 2004, at 10:07:23

In reply to Re: You're all easy graders » fallsfall, posted by DaisyM on February 17, 2004, at 23:23:44

> And I'm worried that I'll find out that the little kid inside me is a brat and deserved some of what she got.

That really resonates with me... It's got a lot to do with the work my therapist and I are doing lately.

But I can say it more positively for you than I can for myself. Your little kid inside didn't deserve anything but love and support and all the things little kids deserve.

I wonder if the conditions some of us experienced growing up caused us to be as scared of our little kids as we were of the grownups around us. And now faced with the most vulnerable, most innocent parts of us, we're absolutely terrified. Vulnerability and innocence have hurt me in the past. Will they hurt me again?

Caring has hurt me in the past. Without caring, all my parents can do is mouth words and hurt my body. The part of me that cares is scarier than the parents who hurt me. Because only the caring made the hurt possible. Doesn't that make the caring part of me at fault?

I'm sorry. Clearly I've made this more about me than you, but I hope some small part of it will help you see that the little girl inside deserves nothing but the best, and that life is different now than it was then. You can't be hurt quite the same way.

 

Re: Inner children

Posted by DaisyM on February 18, 2004, at 12:06:44

In reply to Re: Inner children » DaisyM, posted by Dinah on February 18, 2004, at 10:07:23

>>Doesn't that make the caring part of me at fault?

<<Only if you really believe that you can control the actions of other people and your response to those actions as a child. I think we learn to be afraid but as humans we are born with the ability to care and the need to be cared for. It is like breathing, we can breathe dirty air but we must breathe. The theory of "good enough parenting" makes me think that if we got even a minimum of caring from our parents, the caring gene grew in us. But because it grew, it was a larger target for trauma. And because it was so confusing, we didn't learn how to really protect our feelings. For me, I hide my feelings. Other people turn them off completely. Other people allow their feelings to simply leak out all over everyone. Managing feelings in these ways is not optimal by any means.

My husband and I sometimes have really cruel fights. When we've talked about it, he says that sometimes his frustration with "reaching me" gets out of hand and he is looking for a reaction, any reaction. I keep those feelings buried really deeply. So maybe I can't be hurt the same way, but I can be hurt. And deep inside I'm just fragile enough that I can't take too many more hurts.

Which is why I have such a tough and together outer shell. No one looks too close, I don't want anyone taking care of me. Yet, I desperately do.

 

Re: You're all easy graders » fallsfall

Posted by DaisyM on February 18, 2004, at 12:48:41

In reply to Re: You're all easy graders » DaisyM, posted by fallsfall on February 18, 2004, at 8:04:36

>>You know that for everyone else - well, it applies to you, too.

<<<Isn't is funny how our intellect refuses to inform our emotions sometimes? yes, I know that every child deserves great parents, safety, warmth and love. But I know this as an adult, as a parent to my own children. When I touch that place that those childhood feelings got split off, there is an intellectual disconnect. I feel what I felt back then and it gets all confused. Magical thinking, cause and effect and the childhood belief that my parents know what is best for me take over when I examine those early years. Especially if I don't look at it from my current adult perspective but I allow myself to feel it as I did then.

I think it is terrific that you trust your Therapist so much to handle your emotions. Even more impressive is that you have developed the ability to contain your emotions, to keep them from destroying you. I haven't learned how to put it away between sessions and then take it back out again. I put it away for weeks at a time and then slowly my Therapist will gently try to pull it back out. I'm afraid that is what may have happened here. I feel very much in control today, like I've recovered from an illness or crisis and am "back to work." It will be interesting to see if we can get around this rebuilt wall today, or if I will allow it to stay standing.

 

Re: You're all easy graders » DaisyM

Posted by fallsfall on February 18, 2004, at 20:12:35

In reply to Re: You're all easy graders » fallsfall, posted by DaisyM on February 18, 2004, at 12:48:41

If you can put an issue away purposefully, then you are 90% of the way there.

I learned to put things away from a guided imagery tape I had - it talked about a strong box next to my bed that had a very heavy lid. You are told to open the lid and put issues, ideas and feelings into the box, and then close the heavy lid. You can take out what you need in the morning. So, you are only putting it away temporarily - you can take it back out when you need it. The heavy lid contains all of those things so they can't escape. After many, many nights of listening to this tape I finally learned how to do it. I would think of each thing that was racing around in my head and "see" that thing going into the box. Some nights I needed to be very specific, and put lots of little things in the box (like not getting something done I wanted to accomplish, or saying something to one of my kids that I regretted later). Other nights I could do the whole thing with just one or two items (like my husband).

I knew that I was really getting it when things didn't just "go" into the box. Sometimes they jumped back out and I had to catch them and put them in again. Once I had so many things to put into the box that they wouldn't all fit, but luckily I could create a second box and put the rest in there. My favorite was one night when I had a bunch of stuff in the box and I wanted to put my husband in. I put him in, but his arms and legs dangled over the sides of the box - so I had to keep folding him up to get him back in the box. Eventually I did succeed in getting the top on.

Once you know that you can put things away fairly reliably then you can start to work on taking them out on purpose. I don't think that I would be brave enough to take them back out if I wasn't really sure that I could put them back in the box later on. Then the trick is to be motivated to look at something - you have to really want to work on it. It helps me to be in my therapist's office because I know that he will help me work on it and contain it. But sometimes I've taken stuff out to work on by myself - maybe journalling or something like that. Once you WANT to work on it, then you have to be brave enough to let it come (that's where my therapist helps). The last piece is to "trigger" the issue somehow. Sometimes if I have some journalling or writing on a subject I can just reread it. There was at least one time when I had to put an issue away and I didn't dare think about it long enough to write it down. That time there was a phrase that I knew would remind me of the issue, and when it was time to take it out I just said the phrase to myself.

It is helpful to be able to control things to this extent. Because it means that I CAN take things out to work on them without ruining my life. That doesn't mean that when I've put something away that it doesn't effect me, though. When I have buried something that is really upsetting to me I am still on edge - crabby, unpredictable etc. But what I can avoid is ruminating about something and having it take over my brain.

It is really worth practicing putting things in the box, and being brave enough to take them out. I bet my therapist really appreciates that I can do this - I'm sure that it reduces the number of emergency phone calls I place (though I still do call him sometimes).

Try it!

 

The box

Posted by antigua on February 18, 2004, at 22:56:58

In reply to Re: You're all easy graders » DaisyM, posted by fallsfall on February 18, 2004, at 20:12:35

My box is a linen cedar chest that smells so good when you open and close it. My EMDR T taught me about the box and I use it between sessions. I put away the difficult things and promise to only bring them out when I'm with my regular T, or when I know I can handle it. She always makes me lock the box at the end of the session.

It has helped me a lot. But I never thought of putting my husband in the box! That's a great image with the arms and legs draped about.

Sometimes I have to sit on the box to get it fully closed. Mine has a lock and I have the only key.

I never thought I would like visual imagery but sometimes it really works for me.
antigua

 

Re: You're all easy graders » fallsfall

Posted by Crooked Heart on February 19, 2004, at 5:55:15

In reply to Re: You're all easy graders » DaisyM, posted by fallsfall on February 18, 2004, at 20:12:35

That is just brilliant! Not just for therapy either.

Thanks very much for that idea. I'm using it already :)

 

Re: The box » antigua

Posted by fallsfall on February 19, 2004, at 6:56:07

In reply to The box, posted by antigua on February 18, 2004, at 22:56:58

I've had to sit on mine to get it closed, too.

 

the box » fallsfall

Posted by DaisyM on February 19, 2004, at 12:53:51

In reply to Re: You're all easy graders » DaisyM, posted by fallsfall on February 18, 2004, at 20:12:35

I'm going to talk with my Therapist about this because I'm under the impression that while *I* want to put it away, *he* wants me to sit with the feelings and work on this stuff. I guess that is why he wants frequent check ins, so that if I'm freaking out, he'll know about it.

I want to try it, because I really really liked feeling more in charge of my life yesterday. Not thinking about all this crud for awhile was good. Again, I know it worried my Therapist because when I told him how I felt, he asked if *it* could stay put away, and did I feel I could walk away from therapy. I hesitated and then said yes. Based on the way I felt in that moment, I could. Not that I didn't realistically believe that the depression wouldn't return (next week?!) but it was tempting right now.

*sigh* I got another lecture...


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