Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 314232

Shown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Why don't I ever learn?

Posted by Raindancer on February 16, 2004, at 17:53:15

I can't believe I did this but I "googled" my T. The worst thing is that it isn't the first time but it absolutely must be the last. The first time was a few years ago and I told him about it. He was brilliant but it took me a long time to get over it. I was so ashamed. This time it was a website I belong to and I was just distracting myself and "doodling". In fact apart from minor detail it didn't say anything he hasn't told me himself. I was just so depressed and lonely and now I feel even worse. I really don't want to tell him this time as i promised last time that I wouldn't do it again. I know I've got problems and have to be much more aware of my behaviour. I'm far too old for this sort of thing. Thank you so much just for being there. I trust you so much or i wouldn't be able to share this with you. I'm really sad I've done this.

 

Re: Why don't I ever learn? Raindancer

Posted by DaisyM on February 16, 2004, at 21:51:33

In reply to Why don't I ever learn?, posted by Raindancer on February 16, 2004, at 17:53:15

First, forgive yourself. You are going through a rough time and just wanted to be connected in some way. You don't have to tell him that you did this.

Anything on the internet is pretty much fair game anyway.

And as far as being too old -- therapy brings out the little kid in all of us. One we can't control and one who is excessively needy. So don't punish her, just know she is lonely and wanted comfort and her safe base.

I know you feel bad. This will pass. I'm thinking of you.

 

Re: Why don't I ever learn?

Posted by pegasus on February 16, 2004, at 23:57:58

In reply to Why don't I ever learn?, posted by Raindancer on February 16, 2004, at 17:53:15

Please don't beat yourself up for this. I would be surprised if very many of us hadn't googled a therapist. When I was looking for a new T, I google everyone I interviewed as a matter of course, and I have no remorse. My current T has *nothing* coming up on google, which really gets me.

Here's how I look at it (and I know this works for me, but may not for you): They have all of this information about us, and we really have very little about them. And they have so much more control over our relationships - they decide the time, the place, the rules, etc. of therapy. Googling them kind of equalizes things. It's a way to connect on *your* schedule, in *your* way. I think it's totally fair.

If I were a therapist, I would just assume that all of my clients had googled me. In fact, I'd make sure there wasn't anything out there that I didn't want clients to know. And . . . I'd probably google them, too. Is *that* bad??

- p

 

Re: Why don't I ever learn? pegasus

Posted by Dinah on February 17, 2004, at 0:26:29

In reply to Re: Why don't I ever learn?, posted by pegasus on February 16, 2004, at 23:57:58

What a lovely thought. I'd love to know my therapist cared enough to google me. Unless he googles my posting name or come here and peeks. He knows all about this board and my posting name and I've made him promise never ever to peek. I guess if he breaks that promise he deserves to read whatever is here. :D

 

Re: Why don't I ever learn? Raindancer

Posted by Dinah on February 17, 2004, at 0:29:13

In reply to Why don't I ever learn?, posted by Raindancer on February 16, 2004, at 17:53:15

I've googled my therapist several times. He knows it and isn't upset at all by it. He says it's natural for clients to want to feel close to their therapists between sessions. And that googling isn't any different than any other public information.

I keep hoping someday I'll come up with a photo. :)

But if you discussed this with your therapist and promised not to do it, I can see why you're upset. Did he ask you not to? Or were you just overcome with guilt and offered? It's not a horrible thing by any means. But if it makes you feel uncomfortable, can you ask him for some transitional object that you can touch base with between sessions? My therapist made me a relaxation tape, plus I've made a tape of several of the messages he's left on my machine.

 

You didn't do anything wrong Raindancer

Posted by sb417 on February 17, 2004, at 1:59:18

In reply to Why don't I ever learn?, posted by Raindancer on February 16, 2004, at 17:53:15

Hello, Raindancer. You did nothing wrong. Google exists for the purpose of searching whatever it is you're interested in searching. If your therapist (or anyone else, for that matter) doesn't want to be "googled" in this day and age, then perhaps they ought to resign from their profession, change their name and go live in a hut in the woods or on some off-shore island. If your therapist is a professional with degrees, or if he's written journal articles, or is on the staff of an academic institution, that information should be readily available and in the public domain. My therapist is a well known physician, has written books and numerous journal articles that I "dug up" long before Google ever came into being and long before I had a computer. As long as you don't spend an inordinate amount of time "investigating" your therapist, and as long as you don't stalk him, it's safe to "google" to your heart's content. And if your therapist has a problem with that, you might want to think about finding another therapist.

 

Re: Why don't I ever learn? Raindancer

Posted by lookdownfish on February 17, 2004, at 4:00:35

In reply to Why don't I ever learn?, posted by Raindancer on February 16, 2004, at 17:53:15

Raindancer. I thought you were in the process of terminating with your T. Are you still seeing him occasionally? I agree with everyone else. You have nothing at all to feel guilty about. You were lonely and just needed to make that connection with him - perfectly understandable. As you can see by the responses, we have all done it.

 

Re: Why don't I ever learn? lookdownfish

Posted by Raindancer on February 17, 2004, at 5:53:23

In reply to Re: Why don't I ever learn? Raindancer, posted by lookdownfish on February 17, 2004, at 4:00:35

Thanks lookdown. We were on the brink then I said I couldn't, then he said it would take up to six months anyway, since when it hasn't been mentioned. I've gone downhill a lot since the death of my Dad and uncle and really not coping. I just hang on from one appointment to another. It's one month today since I saw him, but see him this Friday thank goodness. Thanks for your reassurance, I really do appreciate it. I beat myself up constatntly at the moment and find self very difficult to live with.

 

Re: Why don't I ever learn?

Posted by rs on February 17, 2004, at 5:57:37

In reply to Re: Why don't I ever learn? lookdownfish, posted by Raindancer on February 17, 2004, at 5:53:23

Ok. Reading a few times here about goggle. Now the big question. How do you goggle a person? Please do not think I live in a different world but maybe do. Thanks. You folks are much support and makes me not feel alone. Just wish could have that connection with my therapist that some of you have. Not here. Feel nothing with this person. Keep trying.

 

Re: Why don't I ever learn? DaisyM

Posted by Raindancer on February 17, 2004, at 6:00:04

In reply to Re: Why don't I ever learn? Raindancer, posted by DaisyM on February 16, 2004, at 21:51:33

Dear, dear Daisy, Thank heaven for you. That's exactly it. It's been a month today since I saw him - I see him this Friday. It's fine for a day or two then I seem to "lose" him and feel very isolated. This seems typical of BPD. I badly need to be close to him and now termination has been mentioned I am ever more scared although he hasn't brought it up lately as I've been going downhill pretty fast. Thank you for all you are and do and say. You give me so much and I am very grateful. Warm wishes Rx

 

Re: Why don't I ever learn? pegasus

Posted by Raindancer on February 17, 2004, at 6:07:07

In reply to Re: Why don't I ever learn?, posted by pegasus on February 16, 2004, at 23:57:58

Dear Pegasus,
Thank you so much for your kindness. I seem to sit at the computer mindlessly for ages and sort of distance myself from what I'm doing. I was shocked as soon as I realised what I'd done and switched off straight away but of course it was too late and I'm giving myself hell. Actually I was before this happened. It's just so much worse now. Hell, he's the main thing that keeps me going (apart from all of you, who are all so wonderful) and I abuse him like that (it feels like that). Thank you so much for caring. Interesting that you are Pegasus- he was on my school badge when I was young. R

 

Re: Why don't I ever learn? Dinah

Posted by Raindancer on February 17, 2004, at 6:14:08

In reply to Re: Why don't I ever learn? Raindancer, posted by Dinah on February 17, 2004, at 0:29:13

Hello Dinah, It was a bit like this. It took me about three sessions to stop crying about it . At one time he said to me "Will you ever do anything like that again"? and I said "No" and I really, really, believed it. I was just mindlessly distracting myself and trying to get close. It was one of those old school sites. As soon as I got through to the main school headings I switched off and didn't explore any more - I was just so sick at myself. He has just been so wonderful and I feel I've let him down quite badly. If I were feeling stronger I might tell him but at the moment I am so depressed and hopeless I think I can't bear it. Thank you so much. Hope you are OK. So glad you're back. It just doesn't work without you.

 

Re: You didn't do anything wrong sb417

Posted by Raindancer on February 17, 2004, at 6:19:31

In reply to You didn't do anything wrong Raindancer, posted by sb417 on February 17, 2004, at 1:59:18

Hello sb, thank you so much for caring and for your help. My T was fine about it last time - I think I gave myself a much harder time than he did. I don't need a lot of excuses to beat myself up!! I am trying to forgive myself but i'm finding it very hard. All the best and thanks again.R.

 

Re: Why don't I ever learn? rs

Posted by Raindancer on February 17, 2004, at 6:29:34

In reply to Re: Why don't I ever learn?, posted by rs on February 17, 2004, at 5:57:37

Dear rs, To "google" a person is to put his or her name into a search engine on the computer. This collects any information about them (if there is any) and lists it on the screen. In my case it was a site for old school friends where I was legitimately searching for friends of my own. I just let my mind and fingers wander for a few seconds - it didn't feel at all like a deliberate act. I think it may be possible to progress with your T without getting extremely close. It's a relationship that takes a very long time to develop, which is why we tend them so carefully! It also depends which type of therapy your T uses - some bring you closer together- others can be more objective. If you have been going a long time and feel you aren't getting anywhere it may feel like time for a change. All the very best. R.

 

Re: Why don't I ever learn? Raindancer

Posted by Dinah on February 17, 2004, at 8:28:29

In reply to Re: Why don't I ever learn? Dinah, posted by Raindancer on February 17, 2004, at 6:14:08

You're still characterizing your googling him as "abuse", and it just isn't. And it sounds as if he was trying to calm you down by asking that question, so that maybe he asked it more for you than for him.

You haven't seen him for a month. Maybe that's just too long to go between session. You were talking about termination. Maybe this is a sign you are not quite ready yet. At any rate, all of those are important issues, and I hope you feel comfortable enough with him to tell him those things, even if you don't admit the googling.

 

A different perspective

Posted by antigua on February 17, 2004, at 9:49:45

In reply to Re: Why don't I ever learn? Raindancer, posted by Dinah on February 17, 2004, at 8:28:29

Consider this. I once had a T that I was having trouble with--I couldn't seem to relate to this person and my instincts told me something was off. While I may have a zillion problems, I am a very good judge of character, if I don't say so myself. So, the night before I was to see the T for the last time, I put my investigative skills to work and tried to find whatever info I could about the T. Well, I was right. I found out a couple of things that shocked me. All of my instincts were correct. So, instead of doubting my instincts with this person, I could justify my feelings and see that this person did not have my best interests at heart. And it wasn't me. I really can't go into details because I'm reticent to provide info on my self that someone may discover (who knows, that T might read Babble!).

In any case, I'm glad I did it; I felt so much better. Not every T is a good person, just like there is evil in the world too, no matter how we would like to ignore it. I did it to protect myself and I validated some things about myself as well. I considered it a self-protective move. Plus, I learned that I haven't lost my intuitive edge!

Don't feel bad.
antigua

 

Re: Why don't I ever learn? Dinah

Posted by Raindancer on February 17, 2004, at 11:50:07

In reply to Re: Why don't I ever learn? Raindancer, posted by Dinah on February 17, 2004, at 8:28:29

I can and do tell him most things - He's the first person I have ever been able to tell and as you know he's very important to me. He had to be away this last month but hopefully appointments will be closer to 2 weeks. The termination was as much because his job is changing away from individual therapy and I'm still not completely sure where I stand with this. I was much better for a while but I think my Dad's death and his talk of termination triggered my abandonment issues so strongly that I have plunged into the abyss. I feel pretty hopeless and of course I shall tell him this. Silly but I hate to disappoint him after having been so much better. Thanks for everything.R

 

Re: A different perspective antigua

Posted by Raindancer on February 17, 2004, at 11:55:52

In reply to A different perspective, posted by antigua on February 17, 2004, at 9:49:45

Thanks antigua for your concern. I absolutely trust my T - he's the finest person I ever met. I just needed to get close to him...and I already knew the things that were listed - he told me himself. I can honestly say I know him well, not from the details of his life, but from what he has shown himself to be over the past few years. It was just the depression and the BPD and i lost control of my good sense.

I can see that your intuition is sound and can undersatnd that you wanted to check things out for yourself. That's quite understandable. Thanks for your post. All good wishes.R

 

Re: A different perspective

Posted by antigua on February 17, 2004, at 16:33:26

In reply to Re: A different perspective antigua, posted by Raindancer on February 17, 2004, at 11:55:52

Your T does sound great. I was trying to point out that we have to protect ourselves too, and I don't think our T's should be surprised at all if we check up on them. But I understand this situation is different, because you promised not to. Just wanted to be supportive,
antigua

 

Re: A different perspective antigua

Posted by Raindancer on February 17, 2004, at 16:53:07

In reply to Re: A different perspective, posted by antigua on February 17, 2004, at 16:33:26

And you were. I really appreciate it. Thank you. R


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