Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 313339

Shown: posts 1 to 23 of 23. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Next writing assignment

Posted by DaisyM on February 14, 2004, at 17:04:11

I'm suppose to try to describe what it feels like, right now, to have consciously made the decision to "heal". Especially if there is inner turmoil about it. (IF???)

Ok, so my first flash is:

I was thrown into the deep end of the pool and though it was very scary, I have now (barely) learned how to swim. Suddenly there are children all around me in the water and I have to save them while staying afloat myself. I initially think I have to save them all alone. But after a few weeks of panic, I can now see help on the side of the pool - My Therapist is there and so are you guys from Babble. But I still have to get the children to the edge. So I'm struggling. and am still very scared. And sometimes I am so tired of treading water that I just think I can't do it. But then I hear one of you calling and I try again.

Don't ever under estimate the value of a cheering section. I'm glad to have found mine here.

Anyone else want to try this? It doesn't have to be directly "healing" -- it can be about deciding to get better, to terminate, to go back into therapy - I think it is writing about moving forward in conscious way.

 

Re: Next writing assignment

Posted by Poet on February 14, 2004, at 18:53:48

In reply to Next writing assignment, posted by DaisyM on February 14, 2004, at 17:04:11

A few sessions ago my therapist told me that in order to heal my inner child, I need to work through the pain and let it go.

I need to do it, I can do it, I have her support and support from all of you.

Poet


 

Re: Next writing assignment

Posted by DaisyM on February 14, 2004, at 20:51:10

In reply to Re: Next writing assignment, posted by Poet on February 14, 2004, at 18:53:48

Yes you do and yes you can! I just wish there was a more direct way to work through the pain, you know?

Sounds like you are feeling strong and confident. Good for you!

 

Re: Next writing assignment » DaisyM

Posted by Elle2021 on February 15, 2004, at 1:57:52

In reply to Next writing assignment, posted by DaisyM on February 14, 2004, at 17:04:11

I feel like Alice in Wonderland...as if I've stepped through the looking-glass and I am falling down the rabbit hole. On my way down, there's lots of things to grab onto to stop my fall, but everytime I reach out for one, it comes loose and I just pull it down with me. That is how I feel right now about my treatment and my decision to heal...
Elle

 

Re: Next writing assignment

Posted by gardenergirl on February 15, 2004, at 8:45:51

In reply to Next writing assignment, posted by DaisyM on February 14, 2004, at 17:04:11

I feel alternatingly empowered and scared to death. I have moments when I feel so good, but they don't last. I'm afraid that they may never come back. It's also easier to remain in the old self, as I know it better. This new person feels good, but who exactly is she? I feel like jello trying to set up in the fridge. I'm not ready yet and can still be destroyed if I'm spilled. But I'm getting firmer. What shape is the mold I'm in?


This is kinda weird, but a good assignment. Really makes you think and feel.

gg

 

Re: Next writing assignment

Posted by Racer on February 15, 2004, at 16:47:36

In reply to Re: Next writing assignment, posted by gardenergirl on February 15, 2004, at 8:45:51

What a great thread.

Here are two for me:

Imagine a cartoon tree, tall and straight. Now imagine the beaver who's gnawed through almost to the center, leaving only a thin thread left to support the tree. The tree with inevitably fall, but there's no way of knowing which way it will fall, or when. That's how I feel in general right now.

Now for the way I feel about the process of healing, etc:

Now we're on a plateau, with a bottomless chasm ahead. The chasm is about four feet across, just barely too far to step over. I know the right way to get across it, which is to jump. I know that if I try to keep one foot on the ground this side, I probably won't be able to balance and will fall. So, now it's time to take a deep breath, suck it up, and jump. And I'm terrified, even though I know it's the only way to get there safely. I'm standing on the edge, too afraid to jump, but knowing that I will eventually have to commit to it.

I'm looking forward to the next assignment.

 

Re: Next writing assignment » Racer

Posted by DaisyM on February 15, 2004, at 17:05:24

In reply to Re: Next writing assignment, posted by Racer on February 15, 2004, at 16:47:36

Racer,

Are you the tree or the beaver? I'm guessing the tree. If so, who is the beaver?

And why a cartoon tree? I like the jumping imagine. I often describe myself as being on a ledge -- of a building, cliff or even curb -- my Therapist is always reminding me that he is out there with me...but he was smart and brought a parachute! Which of course he is willing to share, but I have to ASK for the help.

 

Re: Next writing assignment » gardenergirl

Posted by DaisyM on February 15, 2004, at 17:07:25

In reply to Re: Next writing assignment, posted by gardenergirl on February 15, 2004, at 8:45:51

Another great description. My insides often feel like Jello these days. Have you seen My Best Friend's Wedding? "I can be Jello." "You'll never be Jello!"

I love that part.

 

Re: Next writing assignment » DaisyM

Posted by pegasus on February 15, 2004, at 17:46:33

In reply to Next writing assignment, posted by DaisyM on February 14, 2004, at 17:04:11

Oh, your therapist has good assignments! And I like your description. It feels like you really let yourself go into the feeling when you were writing it.

I think I feel like a baby giraffe that has just stood up for the first time after being born. All awkward long legs, and not very skilled. But full of the promise of strength and grace if I can live long enough to grown into my awkward new shape.

- p

 

Re: Next writing assignment

Posted by Dinah on February 15, 2004, at 17:56:26

In reply to Next writing assignment, posted by DaisyM on February 14, 2004, at 17:04:11

Boy, mine isn't going to sound nearly as bold.

I see it more as a baby's toddling steps. And sometimes I fall on my fanny, and my therapist is there to help pick me up. And sometimes I cling to the nearest piece of furniture and just refuse to move. And he *usually* makes that seem ok, while still giving quiet encouragement.

So it's taking little risks, and finding that they pay off so that I'm willing to make similar ones again. Or taking little risks and finding that they bombed and refusing to ever try that again. :)

A very cautious way of looking at my slow progress to betterness (I'm even too cautious to say wellness).

 

Re: Next writing assignment » DaisyM

Posted by Racer on February 15, 2004, at 18:04:53

In reply to Re: Next writing assignment » Racer, posted by DaisyM on February 15, 2004, at 17:05:24

> Racer,
>
> Are you the tree or the beaver? I'm guessing the tree. If so, who is the beaver?
>
> And why a cartoon tree?

I don't quite know why it's a cartoon tree. It is, though, in my mind. (My mind is a strange and wondrous place, believe me. All the little factoids and trivialities all over the place, gathering dust. I'm sure there's some great stuff in there, I just have to find it.) For what it's worth, I do often say that I'm like a cartoon character. Probably from all those years dating Dopey...

My therapist and I talked about that. For one thing, she pointed out that a tree in that condition can't live, but once it falls it can be transformed into fine furniture. That maybe it's OK to fall, and experience a sort of rebirth. (I do hesitate to use that term, connotations of Born Again Christians come so strongly to mind.) We also talked about what the beaver is. It only occurred to me later that we'd been talking only about some part of me as the beaver. We never even mentioned the concept that the beaver represents Outside Forces Beyond My Control.

(You already figured out I was something of a Control Freak, didn't you? That's me, Apex Predatrix of my own little domain...)

There's a poem by Edna St Vincent Millay, called Scrub.

If I grow bitterly,
Like a gnarled and stunted tree,
Bearing harshly of my youth
Puckered fruit that sears the mouth;
If I make of my drawn boughs
An Inhospitable House,
Out of which I nevery pry
Towards the water and the sky,
Under which I stand and hide
And hear the day go by outside;
It is that a wind to strong
Bent my back when I was young,
It is that I fear the rain
Lest it blister me again.

That sort of sums it all up for me. I do feel as if I've grown withered and gnarled by the elements in my environment. Sometimes I'm terrified that it will totally define my life. That in that last moment, I'll realize that nothing I've done ever mattered a bit towards healing me. Or that I should not have been saved from the suicide attempts because my life was so unhappy and unmeaningful after the depression started. Sometimes I'm afraid that the wounds will never heal, that I'll still hurt just as much in the end over the betrayals.

Then I just slap myself in the face, say, "Oh, c'mon, who do you think you are? Theda Bara? Get on with it!"

Extra points for anyone who recognizes the reference...

I'm hoping the answer is somewhere between those two extremes, by the way. I want to be able to recognize and commend the efforts I make to find peace, while still being able to function at something like a optimal level.

 

Re: Next writing assignment

Posted by gardenergirl on February 15, 2004, at 19:32:06

In reply to Re: Next writing assignment » gardenergirl, posted by DaisyM on February 15, 2004, at 17:07:25

I had forgotten that part! I loved it too. Maybe I feel like flan sometimes! Or was it creme brulee?

gg

 

Re: Next writing assignment » DaisyM

Posted by Karen_kay on February 15, 2004, at 20:21:17

In reply to Next writing assignment, posted by DaisyM on February 14, 2004, at 17:04:11

I'm stuck in the middle of traffic with people yelling at me from every direction
"Go this way"
"Turn this way"
"Move this way"
"Forget this memory"
"Remember harder"
"You're not trying hard enough"
"You're never good enough"
"You'll never be anything"
"This information isn't useful"
"Don't trust your own memories"
"You can trust your own memories"
"You're not special"
"You are special"
"I wish you were dead"

And inside my own head, it's almost blank. I don't know which voice to follow. Who to trust. And I'm not the only person screaming these things.

 

Re: Next writing assignment » pegasus

Posted by DaisyM on February 15, 2004, at 23:14:27

In reply to Re: Next writing assignment » DaisyM, posted by pegasus on February 15, 2004, at 17:46:33

Such a hopeful image and so sweet! It sounds like you feel that you have gone through the birth and are getting ready to stand on your own two feet. Neat! My Therapist once described Therapists as "midwives of the psyche" == this fits here.

 

Re: Next writing assignment » Dinah

Posted by DaisyM on February 15, 2004, at 23:16:32

In reply to Re: Next writing assignment, posted by Dinah on February 15, 2004, at 17:56:26

Give yourself credit for being up and walking! I think knowing you are learning lessons as you go is really important. Slow and steady wins the race remember.

 

Re: Next writing assignment » Racer

Posted by DaisyM on February 15, 2004, at 23:22:02

In reply to Re: Next writing assignment » DaisyM, posted by Racer on February 15, 2004, at 18:04:53

Oh Racer, such a powerful post. I think optimal and peace must go together somewhere. I think we all wonder if this pain is worth it. If we keep struggling for happiness, will we find it? But I think you've already answered your own questions about living your life like the gnarled tree. You see the tree as dieing and being "reborn" in some way.

I think you are doing really hard work and I have faith that you will find your joy again. All of our lives are defined by our struggles -- how we live, not what we ultimately do.

 

Re: Next writing assignment » Karen_kay

Posted by DaisyM on February 15, 2004, at 23:27:42

In reply to Re: Next writing assignment » DaisyM, posted by Karen_kay on February 15, 2004, at 20:21:17

(((Karen)))

Caught in traffic sucks. I spent 4 hours in it Friday evening.

Which voice in this crowd is yours? It sounds really terrifying and confusing. I think making the decision throws us into this place of multiple voices and push/pull. Not knowing what to do next, no plan, and a constant confusion between old feelings and present day feelings.

I hope your Therapist can act as a traffic cop and sort out the snarl.

 

Re: Next writing assignment » DaisyM

Posted by pegasus on February 16, 2004, at 1:50:53

In reply to Next writing assignment, posted by DaisyM on February 14, 2004, at 17:04:11

Daisy, you are so sweet to respond to everyone's stories individually like that.

Thanks for being so cool!
(((Daisy)))

- p

 

Re: Next writing assignment » Racer

Posted by Crooked Heart on February 16, 2004, at 3:54:18

In reply to Re: Next writing assignment » DaisyM, posted by Racer on February 15, 2004, at 18:04:53

Racer there was so much in your post. It sparked off so many thoughts, so please excuse this response being bitty


> My therapist and I talked about that. For one thing, she pointed out that a tree in that condition can't live, but once it falls it can be transformed into fine furniture.
>

Is it OK to change someone else's metaphor? I'd like to think of the tree being changed into a particularly fine canoe that one might use to explore lakes and rivers whose existence you've never dreamed of and couldn't possibly have got to before.

>
> There's a poem by Edna St Vincent Millay, called Scrub.
>

I didn't understand that poem before. But you are still growing.

>
> Then I just slap myself in the face, say, "Oh, c'mon, who do you think you are? Theda Bara? Get on with it!"
>
> Extra points for anyone who recognizes the reference...>

Thought she was silent! :)
>
> I want to be able to recognize and commend the efforts I make to find peace, while still being able to function at something like a optimal level.

Yes.

Thanks for the post.

 

Re: Next writing assignment

Posted by fallsfall on February 16, 2004, at 7:21:06

In reply to Next writing assignment, posted by DaisyM on February 14, 2004, at 17:04:11

I am blindfolded and walking around an area. There are hazards in this area - deep holes, puddles of lava, walls that stick up in the middle of nowhere for me to walk into, slippery surfaces, sharp surfaces.

I am told by my therapist (who sits up in a booth somewhere and can see it all) that there is a hallway out of this area that leads to sanity and happiness. I just have to find the hallway.

But I don't know what direction to go in, I don't know when I will encounter a hazard (or if I will survive it), I don't even know how big the area is or what shape it is. I do keep walking because I'll never find the hallway if I stand still. But I'm terrified of the hazards and of spending my whole life without finding the hallway.

My therapist says helpful things like "The hallway does exist, you just have to find it" and "I'm sure you can figure out where to go". Sometimes, if I fall down a hole or bump into a wall, he will pull me out or give me sympathy for my bruise.

I ask "Should I go this way? Is this the right way?" and he answers "The hallway does exist, there are lots of ways to get there".

 

Gold Star Award! » Crooked Heart

Posted by Racer on February 16, 2004, at 11:41:25

In reply to Re: Next writing assignment » Racer, posted by Crooked Heart on February 16, 2004, at 3:54:18

Heheheh, yes, she was silent. I think they drew her eyebrows on to give her that suffering look, since she always seemed to have that same desperately suffering appearance.

Sure, use my metaphor. What's mine is yours, darlin'. And think of it as inadequate compensation for what you've given me: thank you for taking the time to cite specific portions of what I wrote. General compliments leave me feeling even less worthy of the oxygen I use each day. Specific compliments help keep my feet moving forward. Guess it's back to validation, eh? General validation, along the lines of "Of course, you're worthy, EVERYONE is worthy," always make me feel as if I should step out of the way and let someone else be worthy in my place. That I'm not as worthy as anyone else. (Not quite ready to turn my condo over to the homeless guy down the street, but along those lines -- and I do feel guilty for living here when so many people have no shelter at all.) Specific validation, such as "you have helped little girls find their inner confidence as they learned to ride, and they will grow up the better for it." That helps me more. Feeling as if I have left something, no matter how small or how transient, as a monument to my own immortality, my own little mark on the world, does make me feel entitled to that next breath.

Thank you for your time and attention to this matter. If you have any further questions, or would like to schedule an interview at your convenience, please don't hesitate to call.

Sincerely yours,

Racer who drives the way she writes: I figure I'll get somewhere sometime, so who needs a roadmap?

(OK, silly stage of the day has officially set in. I'm gonna go see if I can find a smaller pair of pants in the box under the bed, on accounta I'm sick of having my pants falling off my hips. Then, I'm gonna -- clean house and roll coins.)

 

Re: Gold Star Award!

Posted by Crooked Heart on February 16, 2004, at 12:06:46

In reply to Gold Star Award! » Crooked Heart, posted by Racer on February 16, 2004, at 11:41:25

Walk forward, sniffle, hastily wipe tear...'I'm not accepting this award just for myself...'

 

Re: Next writing assignment » DaisyM

Posted by Karen_kay on February 16, 2004, at 13:35:41

In reply to Re: Next writing assignment » Karen_kay, posted by DaisyM on February 15, 2004, at 23:27:42

The thing is, they are all my voice. And they are all voices of people I love and trust. And it's so confusing. Everyone's is telling me something different and I don't know which way to go.

Hopefully my therapist can guide me in the right direction. But, the traffic is moving so fast and I'm walking and I haven't known my therapist very long.... And I've known myself quite a bit longer... Help!! I'll get through! I have no doubt. I'm just not sure how long it will take. And I'm not sure if I'll have to take the detours. It's very confusing but i'l make it :) I know I will!!!


This is the end of the thread.


Show another thread

URL of post in thread:


Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ


[dr. bob] Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD, bob@dr-bob.org

Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.