Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 311914

Shown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Love and fireworks (and embarrassment)

Posted by crushedout on February 11, 2004, at 0:10:15


So, I saw my T today for the first time since she admitted she has felt attracted to me. It was intense. The sexual energy between us. Maybe now that it's out in the open, I'm just not questioning its existence as much, and I'm probably contributing to it more. But it was pretty overwhelming. In a good way, I think.

On a separate note, she told me she gets depressed sometimes still (I asked). I told her I wanted to take care of her, to comfort her. (She had tears in her eyes and she looked so beautiful, and sad.) She asked me how I wanted to do that. I couldn't tell her (I was too embarrassed), but I wanted to hold her in my arms. Why am I too embarrassed to tell her that? It seems silly.

 

Re: Love and fireworks (and embarrassment)

Posted by shortelise on February 11, 2004, at 13:56:28

In reply to Love and fireworks (and embarrassment), posted by crushedout on February 11, 2004, at 0:10:15

Tranference, counter tranference, projection... eek! It sounds like a lot of fun - no I am not being sarcastic. It does sound like fun! I love that heady feeling.

I hope your T has the tools to get you both through this in a way that keeps your therapeutic relationship intact and helpful.

Shorte

 

Re: Love and fireworks (and embarrassment) crushedout

Posted by Karen_kay on February 11, 2004, at 14:36:50

In reply to Love and fireworks (and embarrassment), posted by crushedout on February 11, 2004, at 0:10:15

Hi crushed! Maybe things will be better now that everything is out in the open. It's tough to say. But, I understand what you mean by being embarrassed to admit to wanting to hold your therapist. I once had a dream and I was explaining it to my therapist and in my dream I ran to him and held him. It took all of my courage to admit that I held him. Why is that so hard to admit? Maybe it's because holding someone is so intimate? And so very intense in that it means you really want to take care of that person. You want all of their troubles to disappear. You care for that person. (Not necessarily true in your case, but, I don't think my therapist really cares for me. So, it's kinda hard to admit that you care for someone who doesn't care back. And I don't mean I love him or anything, just that I care.

I'm sure your session was very intense and overwhelming. But, try hard not to focus on "catching" your therapist. Try instead to focus on how to get past these feelings. I you focus on catching her, you will probably end up getting hrut. Actually, you will get hurt. Whether you catch her or not.

Maybe you could research archived posts about people who have had similar experiences and check out the results. I'm sure that would be a great help. I wish I had all the answers. I wish someone did! I wish I knew that person! I wish too much, I think!

 

Re: Love and fireworks (and embarrassment) shortelise

Posted by crushedout on February 11, 2004, at 15:10:19

In reply to Re: Love and fireworks (and embarrassment), posted by shortelise on February 11, 2004, at 13:56:28

oh, yes, it's fun, but why the labels, shortelise? ironically, we talked about how my feelings about her have not all been transference. it's a long story, but basically, many months ago she asked me how i perceived her, and i told her that i used to find her sad and pathetic, but that after a few months, my perception of her changed, and she seemed more confident and happier, and i became more envious. anyway, turns out, as she told me yesterday, that when i met her she was in a sort of depression crisis, and then she got out of it (with meds) and had a fairly dramatic change. and all this time i was thinking it was transference. but i was actually picking up on her emotional states.

i know "transference" is not a dirty word, and i actually don't hate it, but that's not *all* of what's going on between us. if we'd met under other circumstances, i think we would have been drawn to each other. (not that that isn't transference also, but if everything is transference that happens between two people then the word has no meaning.)

sorry, just had to rant. i liked your message actually.


> Tranference, counter tranference, projection... eek! It sounds like a lot of fun - no I am not being sarcastic. It does sound like fun! I love that heady feeling.
>
> I hope your T has the tools to get you both through this in a way that keeps your therapeutic relationship intact and helpful.
>
> Shorte

 

Re: Love and fireworks (and embarrassment) Karen_kay

Posted by crushedout on February 11, 2004, at 15:13:37

In reply to Re: Love and fireworks (and embarrassment) crushedout, posted by Karen_kay on February 11, 2004, at 14:36:50


i'll always be about getting her. can't help it. that's what i live for. but i'm also getting darn good therapy in the meantime.

hey, getting hurt is what life's all about, anyway. it's a roller coaster ride. sometimes it's great, other times it bites the big one. but it's better than the alternative (being dead either literally or just emotionally).

 

Re: Love and fireworks (and embarrassment) Karen_kay

Posted by rs on February 11, 2004, at 16:24:36

In reply to Re: Love and fireworks (and embarrassment) crushedout, posted by Karen_kay on February 11, 2004, at 14:36:50

Hi Karen. Hope post this correctly. I have read many of your post and I think your therapist likes you and cares. Really think about it. Sounds like he really wants to help you and sorry yesterday was so difficult for you. Let me know.

 

Deep Breath

Posted by Rigby on February 11, 2004, at 17:23:42

In reply to Love and fireworks (and embarrassment), posted by crushedout on February 11, 2004, at 0:10:15

The question is not, why do you feel embarassed? It's what in gawd's name is this woman telling you about *her* depression for? The CD was the first red flag but it seems to me this woman's not together enough to get things back on track. At all. In fact, the whole CD incident is probably enough to say she's whacked.

I think she's definitely messed up and unfortunately, because you're into her, you (and your insurance company) are gonna pay the price. You the higher price because in the light of day and trust me, there's *always* the light of day, this woman is really using you. You feel you've won a huge coupe--wow, you "got" your therapist. But who's zooming who here? You're getting hosed. She's roping you in with possibilities when the reality is, if you do get involved she could lose her practice and her marriage and custody of her kid, etc. It's a major rat's nest. And it's not your fault at all. You're pushing boundaries because you want what you want. She should not be telling you about her depression. Or how she feels sexually. I think she's torn--she wants you to keep wanting her. She needs you to. You want to want her (it's what you live for) and you want her to feel the same way back (which it sounds like she's doing b/c she's needy) but this is therapy for godsakes and between adults, not two 22 year-olds with nothing at stake. Someone needs to get real and, again, I think this woman is proving not healthy enough to do so.

All you can see is excitement and sexual energy but it's pretty wrong what's going on. And not wrong on your end--this is her's to own. She's being unethical.

Re your sensitivity to the t-word (transference.) I used to think that the attraction with my therapist was all about this "energy between us" that had nothing to do with therapy. Same language--had we met elsewhere, across a crowded room, etc. we would have gotten it on, etc. I also said it had nothing to do with transference and was defensive about it. Fast forward six months: there was nothing *but* transference there. You cannot tell one way or another--you're too deep into it. That's why they rule out romantic relationships between client and therapist--it's too difficult to separate the therapy from the non-therapy stuff.

Sorry Crushed, but this is what I think of the situation at this point.

> On a separate note, she told me she gets depressed sometimes still (I asked). I told her I wanted to take care of her, to comfort her. (She had tears in her eyes and she looked so beautiful, and sad.) She asked me how I wanted to do that. I couldn't tell her (I was too embarrassed), but I wanted to hold her in my arms. Why am I too embarrassed to tell her that? It seems silly.

 

Re: Deep Breath Rigby

Posted by crushedout on February 11, 2004, at 22:20:49

In reply to Deep Breath, posted by Rigby on February 11, 2004, at 17:23:42


But she said she was going to share stuff with me so I could idealize her less. That's what she's doing. So she talked to me about her depression and her meds. I think it's a good thing. I really do.

I don't think I'm defensive about the "transference" stuff. I'm just sure that's not *all* it is, and those words get thrown around here so much they start to lose meaning. We really do have a connection. And it's not just about the circumstances we're in. It's as two human beings.

I totally appreciate your honesty, Rigby. But I think you may be wrong. But it's good to keep this possibility in mind. I do think she may be needier than she's supposed to be. I dunno. There's nothing I can do about it, anyway, since it's worth every penny that me and my insurance company pay just to be near her. Besides, my life is soooooo much better than it was just a few months ago. And that's not just because I'm in love. It's real, real changes I've made: quitting drugs (including alcohol), cigarettes, exercising, changing careers, feeling hope, improving relationships with family. I mean the whole gamut. So it's not like I'm getting taken for a ride.

But I really, really appreciate your honesty and concern, and I'll think hard about what you say.

 

Re: Love and fireworks (and embarrassment)

Posted by shortelise on February 12, 2004, at 1:32:24

In reply to Re: Love and fireworks (and embarrassment) shortelise, posted by crushedout on February 11, 2004, at 15:10:19

Labels because they are shorthand for the various things that go on in relationships, be they therapeutic of otherwise. I feel comfortable using this vocab here as it seems to be the commmon parlance. I'm new here and just getting acquainted. I did not mean to offend.

It feels good to me when my T tells me things about himself - like when he looks like hell and I point it out, he doesn't do the "well, ShortE, how does it make you feel...?" bullcrap. He might say, yeah, well, I couldn't sleep last night. THEN he starts on the how it makes me feel bullcrap.

ShortE

 

Re: Love and fireworks (and embarrassment)

Posted by Miss Honeychurch on February 12, 2004, at 8:36:24

In reply to Re: Love and fireworks (and embarrassment), posted by shortelise on February 12, 2004, at 1:32:24

Crushed,

If a child of yours were in this same situation, would you feel comfortable with it?

 

Re: Love and fireworks (and embarrassment) Miss Honeychurch

Posted by crushedout on February 12, 2004, at 9:01:30

In reply to Re: Love and fireworks (and embarrassment), posted by Miss Honeychurch on February 12, 2004, at 8:36:24


you mean in my situation?


> Crushed,
>
> If a child of yours were in this same situation, would you feel comfortable with it?

 

Re: Love and fireworks (and embarrassment) crushedout

Posted by Miss Honeychurch on February 12, 2004, at 9:08:26

In reply to Re: Love and fireworks (and embarrassment) Miss Honeychurch, posted by crushedout on February 12, 2004, at 9:01:30

yes, say if this hypothetical (or real) child were you in this situation and maybe came to you for advice. How do you think you would react?

 

Re: Love and fireworks (and embarrassment) Miss Honeychurch

Posted by crushedout on February 12, 2004, at 9:09:15

In reply to Re: Love and fireworks (and embarrassment), posted by Miss Honeychurch on February 12, 2004, at 8:36:24

of course that's what you mean. it sounds to me like if your child were in this situation, it would make *you* uncomfortable, eh?

as for me, god, i have no idea. ideally, no, but it's really hard for me to imagine. i will tell you that i've chosen not to tell my parents about this because i'm pretty sure they'd get alarmed. but they're kinda uptight and judgmental compared to me, so i hope i won't be like that when i have kids.

i think a lot of parents are simply uncomfortable with their kids *having* a sexuality at all. that's what i want to avoid.

but, if i thought that a t was *exploiting* my kid, of course that would make me uncomfortable. if i thought my kid was going to get hurt, i'd definitely be worried. but i don't feel in my heart that either of those things are true.

> Crushed,
>
> If a child of yours were in this same situation, would you feel comfortable with it?

 

Re: Love and fireworks (and embarrassment) Miss Honeychurch

Posted by crushedout on February 12, 2004, at 9:13:24

In reply to Re: Love and fireworks (and embarrassment) crushedout, posted by Miss Honeychurch on February 12, 2004, at 9:08:26

> yes, say if this hypothetical (or real) child were you in this situation and maybe came to you for advice. How do you think you would react?

i honestly have no idea. i can't answer that realistically. right now my feeling is to tell my child to enjoy the amazing situation she's found herself in and try to get the most out of therapy. (which are the two things i'm doing so of course i'm saying that.)

sorry, i just can't put myself in that situation mentally.

 

Re: Love and fireworks (and embarrassment) crushedout

Posted by terrics on February 15, 2004, at 11:54:02

In reply to Re: Love and fireworks (and embarrassment) shortelise, posted by crushedout on February 11, 2004, at 15:10:19

I hope you are happy and are going to stay happy. I know thinking is very difficult when one is in love, but thinking is very important here. Can you ask her if she has had a relationship with any othe patients; especially women? It is better to get hurt now if you are going to be hurt, then later. ps I love my T. too. It happens. terrics

 

Re: Love and fireworks (and embarrassment) terrics

Posted by crushedout on February 15, 2004, at 11:59:13

In reply to Re: Love and fireworks (and embarrassment) crushedout, posted by terrics on February 15, 2004, at 11:54:02


thanks. i'm sure i can't always be happy. life is a roller coaster ride. ups and downs always. but i'm ok. and i'm also trying to be somewhat cautious (i'm talking to another t -- an old friend -- later today about this situation).

i'm absolutely positive she has never had a relationship with a patient before. i don't need to ask her that. and if she had, i'm sure she wouldn't admit it to me, either, but she hasn't. trust me. (although you have no reason to.)


> I hope you are happy and are going to stay happy. I know thinking is very difficult when one is in love, but thinking is very important here. Can you ask her if she has had a relationship with any othe patients; especially women? It is better to get hurt now if you are going to be hurt, then later. ps I love my T. too. It happens. terrics


This is the end of the thread.


Show another thread

URL of post in thread:


Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ


[dr. bob] Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD, bob@dr-bob.org

Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.