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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 16 to 40 of 62. Go back in thread:
Posted by Karen_kay on January 5, 2004, at 11:26:26
In reply to Re: I'm in the mood to SI simple because your near me » Karen_kay, posted by Elle2021 on January 5, 2004, at 6:05:09
You are just too funny!
*I have to agree!! :)And you remind me so much of myself. :)
*Hey, I said that in a different post. You're cramping my style :)I am definitely going to try the conversation technique.
*OK, a few tips...
It works best if you do it without laughing, now this is important. If you laugh, the person will only think that you are joking and you don't want that.
Also, to make the person feel like a real piece of work, do it in front of an audience. It also works well with just the two of you, but an audience gathers the best results. It really makes the person think about giving unsolicited advice or opinions.
As for your mommy, that's a toughy. You love her and wouldn't want to be harsh. I have the opposite problem with my mommy. Hmmm. Let me fix another cup of coffee and think about it for a second. And, you should have taken her up on the offer. A ride from Mommy Dearest is better than the bus anyday :)Ok, do you have a cell phone? Maybe she could offer to split the bill on one and the would help ease her mind when you went off driving in horrible conditions, like 10 feet of snow like today :) Or if you tried to have a conversation with her telling her that you are an adult and that you need to be treated as such. Yes, you love her dearly, but you feel that she treats you like a child. Just try talking to her. It just may do the trick.
Posted by Elle2021 on January 6, 2004, at 6:40:07
In reply to Liar liar, pants on fire! » Elle2021, posted by Karen_kay on January 5, 2004, at 11:00:14
> What about the one who wears big shoes.
Funny story about that one. We shared an apartment for a year and a half, and I came home one day and she had packed her things and was leaving...guess the BPD finally got to her! We have mended our differences, but she now lives far away from me.
>And I suppose the spider story is a hoax too?
I wish it were a hoax!!
Hmmmm... Guess I'll be thinking twice as to what I disclose to you, MY FRIEND. No more of the personal phobias, as I wouldn't want you to know too much about me :)
Okay, okay, okay. I was feeling sorry for myself earlier. I realize I have some friends! :)
Elle
Posted by Elle2021 on January 6, 2004, at 6:50:47
In reply to Re: I'm in the mood to SI simple because your near me » Elle2021, posted by Karen_kay on January 5, 2004, at 11:26:26
> *OK, a few tips...
Thanks! :) hehe
>And, you should have taken her up on the offer.
And normally I probably would have taken her up on the offer. It's just that she "ordered" me to let her drive me, as if I were some kind of invalid who can't make decisions.
A ride from Mommy Dearest is better than the bus anyday :)
Actually...I took the bus. It was no where near as bad as I thought it would be. Public transportation isn't half bad. :)
> Ok, do you have a cell phone?
Of course...
>Maybe she could offer to split the bill on one and the would help ease her mind when you went off driving in horrible conditions
Actually, she is nice enough to pay the entire bill, but it's really just another method of control. When I lived with my roommate, she would get upset if she found out I went out past 8 pm. Can you believe that?
>Or if you tried to have a conversation with her telling her that you are an adult and that you need to be treated as such.
I have had a number of such conversations, but I think they are better titled as screaming matches.
>Yes, you love her dearly,
Yes I do, she's my mum.
but you feel that she treats you like a child. Just try talking to her. It just may do the trick.
She has social phobias and anxiety. She's been that way for as long as I can remember. Some times it gets worse than others, especially when she thinks something bad is going to happen to me if I leave the house. She hardly ever leaves the house. A doctor gave her Paxil a while back. She was a little better on that, but she quit taking it some time ago. I'm trying to persuade her to go back to the doctor. Thanks for the help!
Elle
Posted by Karen_kay on January 6, 2004, at 14:55:13
In reply to Re: Liar liar, pants on fire! » Karen_kay, posted by Elle2021 on January 6, 2004, at 6:40:07
Well, first of all, I had a wonderful, emotional and caring post (huh?) and my blasted computer froze up so I lost it! Murphy's Law anyone?
<guess the BPD finally got to her!
*OK, this is where my head turned around. I'm also dx BPD, as is my "short friend", as I'll call her. Now, if you start telling me that you are dx Bipolar I Disorder, PTSD, traits of OCPD, and have a nasty habit of getting naked in public then I refuse to post here anymore. That's just TOO much! Shorty SI's and has begun a nasty pill habit to cope. Her SI is at a point now that she cuts her face and neck even, she can't even conceal it anymore. And I'm the only one who can calm her down, but she lives so far away and I can't calm her over the phone. And she seems to hae her "fits of rage" at aobut 4 am, making it impossible for me to go see her. And she has tried therapy, but she doesn't take kindly to it, as she only ends up being committed. Usually she thrashes about her therapists office (if she lasts long enough through the appoinment) until he calls security to take her to the hospital. I just don't know what to do...But what's worse is her reason for everything she does is "I'm Borderline," and when she's with me I just look down and hope she doesn't say anything about me...I'm thinking "Oh please!!!! Shorty, don't say anything about me." I don't want to argue with her aobut it. She needs therapy. But her previous therapist didn't even set goals. From what she told me, he wasn't a very good therapist. But then again, she wasn't a very good client either. But, I'm not like her. I don't blame all of my actions of my dx. I hate it when my friends say "Oh remember when you (_____), because you were manic?" Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm also impulsive. That's just Karen! Yes, I've made poor choices while manic, but I've also made poor choices while I was neither manic nor depressed! I wish I could blame some of my actions on my "diseases or dx", but I'd rather take responsibility, you know!!! **Excuse my tangent there! We all have them sometimes!**Hmmmm... Guess I'll be thinking twice as to what I disclose to you, MY FRIEND. No more of the personal phobias, as I wouldn't want you to know too much about me :)
**I agree, I don't want to know too much about you either. You seem rather boring and uninteresting. And I can tell from your posts that you may very well have a foul body odor to boot. And yes, I can tell all of this just from your posts! In all seriousness, I have enjoyed your posts! And I am SOOOOOOOOO glad you are back! Don't ever go again, or I'll call your mom myself (and don't think I won't do it!!!) and make her make you get back on here! I think that we seem to have a similar sense of humor, and I like that. It's hard sometimes to tell if people "get" what I'm throwing out. Sometimes I feel bad because I'm afraid that maybe I'm not understood. It's nice that you understand my perspective. That, or you're just trying to fool me. I can't tell yet :)
I realize I have some friends! :)
*Well, I'm certainly not one of them. ICK! I wouldn't be seen with the likes of you, for crying out loud. :) If you ever feel the need, here's my email addy kkoliver at bsu dot edu Now, don't give this out to all of your friends. I realize that I'm a very nice person and would be a joy to talk to. But, I am rather busy and don't have the time to answer all of your friends' problems. :)
Posted by Elle2021 on January 7, 2004, at 3:54:23
In reply to Things are getting freaky! » Elle2021, posted by Karen_kay on January 6, 2004, at 14:55:13
> <guess the BPD finally got to her!
> *OK, this is where my head turned around. I'm also dx BPD, as is my "short friend", as I'll call her. Now, if you start telling me that you are dx Bipolar I Disorder, PTSD, traits of OCPD, and have a nasty habit of getting naked in public then I refuse to post here anymore.I have BPD, OCD, Bipolar 3, panic attacks, and anxiety. But, no habit of getting nekkid in public! :)
Shorty SI's and has begun a nasty pill habit to cope. Her SI is at a point now that she cuts her face and neck even, she can't even conceal it anymore.
That is so sad. I'm so sorry to hear about that. I haven't ever cut my neck, but I imagine that is just awful to have to live with everyday. Is Shorty on any medications that help sedate her so she can talk to her therapist?
Usually she thrashes about her therapists office (if she lasts long enough through the appoinment) until he calls security to take her to the hospital.
Is the doctor for sure that she is Borderline? Could it be something else? Something else where rage is the main problem? Of course, she has the SI symptom, so it's hard to say.
>I just don't know what to do...But what's worse is her reason for everything she does is "I'm Borderline,"
Oh dear... She has to accept responsibility for the way she is acting. I know it's really difficult, but it's unlikely she will get better until she accepts responsibility for her actions.
>But, I'm not like her. I don't blame all of my actions of my dx.
Me neither! I try to identify when I am having a bpd related emotion, then I try to reason it out. (i.e. why it probaby isn't appropriate for the situation, etc.).
>I hate it when my friends say "Oh remember when you (_____), because you were manic?"
Tell me about it! I don't like it when my family says stuff like, wow, you sure were having some nasty mood swings a few days ago, you were like (insert description here). I know how I acted because I was there too, no one has to reiterate for me.
>Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm also impulsive. That's just Karen! Yes, I've made poor choices while manic, but I've also made poor choices while I was neither manic nor depressed!
Yes, I sometimes think my family blames my attitude on "whats wrong with me." Some days I act that way cause I'm cranky. It's not always a mood swing, just sometimes I'm tired...know what I mean?
> **I agree, I don't want to know too much about you either. You seem rather boring and uninteresting. And I can tell from your posts that you may very well have a foul body odor to boot.
Yes, I can tell from your posts that you probably wear mismatched clothes and don't wash your hair. :)
>In all seriousness, I have enjoyed your posts!
Well I'm glad somebody does! :) I enjoy yours too.
>And I am SOOOOOOOOO glad you are back! Don't ever go again,
:( Everyone has to take breaks sometimes! But I like being here. Last time I think I just got overwhelmed. That happens sometimes, right??
>I think that we seem to have a similar sense of humor, and I like that.
I definitely think we have a similar sense of humour because I always get your jokes and find your witty sarcasm hilarious! :)!!
>It's hard sometimes to tell if people "get" what I'm throwing out.
I get it.
> I realize I have some friends! :)
>
> *Well, I'm certainly not one of them. ICK! I wouldn't be seen with the likes of you, for crying out loud. :)And I could never be your friend cause you don't wash your hair... Hehehe!
I wish my post had more substance right now... I will try to post a better one soon. When I read your post, I was thinking of so many things I was going to write back, and now I can't remember any of them. Ahh!!!
*smiles*
Elle
Posted by Karen_kay on January 7, 2004, at 11:14:40
In reply to Re: Things are getting freaky! » Karen_kay, posted by Elle2021 on January 7, 2004, at 3:54:23
Up late again I see... I may have to give your mommy a call to let her know about this mess.. Wouldn't want your grades to slip because you're on the internet, now would we? Actually I'm delighted and giddy to read your posts :)
Is Shorty on any medications that help sedate her so she can talk to her therapist?
*She takes Paxil, Seroquel and Klonopin (which she ends up taking about 20 at a time so it doens't help her). And when her therapist tries to talk about things she should be talking about, she becomes aggressive. She's 24, never had a job, never had her license, though she lives in a small town. Basically she is co-dependent on her mother. She still wouldn't talk about the things she should, even if she were half sedated. And she goes to a community mental health care center, with subpar standards. She was recently informed that to continue getting meds she would have to begin group therapy. She has had many run-ins with the nurses and doctors. She's always calling me crying about the way they treat her, yet she is very hostile to them. And they are aware of her drug problem, yet they continue to give her klonopin.????Huh??? I'd like to go to a doctor's apt with her just once and speak up for her and actually see how they treat her, just to gain a perspective.And I'm certain she has BPD, but she is also dx something else Schizoid something or other.. She couldn't remember. She doesn't focus on that. Just Borderline is all she focuses on. It's a shame. I've grown tired of hearing about it. I even hate it when my therapist mentions it. Every so often he says something about me 'being Borderline" and I just grunt. It wouldn't be so bad except for the stigma, you know. (Be prepared, here comes my tangent!!) Ok, so what. I have BPD! Does that mean that if my boyfriend and I get into an argument or break up that I'm going to try to kill myself (unsuccessfully of course) because I want to teach him a lesson? No, it doesn't. Oh!!! Get this!! This makes me SSSSOOOOO mad! Did you hear about my therapist not returning my phone call? If not, I'll tell you about it. I called him because I needed some advice, which I don't call him often, EVEN though I do have BPD. Now, when I called him my dog was in the background howling. My therapist didn't return my phone call and mentioned in my next session (two weeks later because of xmas break) that he didn't return my phone call because he thought I was playing a joke on him. That I had a girlfriend over and she was laughing in the back ground and I was trying to quiet her. (WHAT!!!) Then in this session he mentioned that he thought that maybe since I was Borderline I was just calling to talk or play a joke on him!!! Hello! I've been seeing him for a year almost and I have never once called him to "TALK" or waste his time! Why would I "out of the blue" just begin to do that? Now, maybe there are some people that do that, granted. But, aren't there different levels and spectrums of BPD? Shorty would do that, yes. She called a boy once 10 times after he told her not to call him on the second call. I would think that by now my therapist of all people would be able to know that I wouldn't be in the habit of wasting his time. Good grief! That just hurt my feelings. And when I told him that it hurt my feelings he honestly looked like he was going to cry, and I was happy about it. Give him something to think about before he goes around make stupid assumptions! It just seems like after I read about BPD it made sense but it just seemed dreadful, you know? Like it is the hardest personality disorder to correct, plus I'm not really able to take SSRI's because I'm BPI and they make me manic. I don't really have bad mood swings since I'm taking Topamax, so that's good. But Borderline isn't something that I fess up to too easily as I don't like the stigma it carries.
Enough of that, let us move on :)
Oh dear... She has to accept responsibility for the way she is acting. I know it's really difficult, but it's unlikely she will get better until she accepts responsibility for her actions.
*I know that too! But she's living in a fantasy world and until she wants to be helped she can't be helped. I keep telling her my positive aspects of therapy as well as the negative and encouraging her to get help. Telling her that she realy needs to give therapy another shot. And I've told her that she has a drug problem. She can't really be helped until she gives that up. I used to have a pill problem. I was severely depressed and my doctor put me on AD after AD, making me manic. It got to the point that I called him up on the phone and said (Lord help me!!) "If I kill myself tonight, you're responsible." When I went in for my next appointment he referred me to a therapist and refused to see me again. That's when I moved to start school again and I was DX Bipolar. And started to recover and started therapy as well!
Tell me about it! I don't like it when my family says stuff like, wow, you sure were having some nasty mood swings a few days ago, you were like (insert description here). I know how I acted because I was there too, no one has to reiterate for me.
*It drives me crazy though when people tell stories of things I've done when I was actually manic. Things I'd rather forget. Things I wish I didn't do. That I can't stand. But, when I act a certain way or have mood swings and people talk about it like I don't know, it drives me crazy. YES, I know! I don't need you to tell me!
It's not always a mood swing, just sometimes I'm tired...know what I mean?
*Like we aren't allowed to JUST be cranky. To have normal mood swings because we have BPD. That's what drives me crazy about the "phone call incident" with my therapist. He jumped to conclusions, and he's a therapist. It's not like I'm waiting out by his car everyday after work, or calling his office on a daily basis, or calling him at home (I don't even have his home number). I mean just because I'm dx people jump to conclusions. Even my therapist, who isn't supposed to. Of all the people in the world, he's the last person I'd expect to. And he did!
Yes, I can tell from your posts that you probably wear mismatched clothes and don't wash your hair. :)
*OMG! Ok, that is weird! The mismatched clothes.... My clothes never used to match. I had a pair of plaid pants that I used to say went with everything. I used that as an excuse because I knew that they didn't match anything! Now, I stick with basic black and white so that all of my clothes match.
As for the hair, I haven't brushed my hair in over 4 years. My niece used to ask my siser (her mom) why doesn't aunt Karen ever brush her hair? I was sitting right there. My sister was just like, it's just her style. It's funky hair, cute and messy. It doesn't look undone now. I get it done and everything I just don't brush it. And I only wash it every 3 days because I get it colored and that dries it out. Also, my niece asked what a faus paux was once and I answered "My hair" It still looks stylish, I think? just a bit undone.... How did you know that??? Are you watching me??? I finger comb it, and I don't have tangles or anything but I don't use a brush or comb or anything.. I think it is cute and my stylist doesn't complain about it so.. Anyway, why do I feel the need to explain myself......:( Everyone has to take breaks sometimes! But I like being here. Last time I think I just got overwhelmed. That happens sometimes, right??
*I'm sorry you were overwhelmed... That does happen at times... Just don't let it happen again, Ok! :)
And I could never be your friend cause you don't wash your hair... Hehehe!*I wash it every 3 days... And when I don't wash it I spray perfume in it so it smells good. And I use nice products, so it is always shiny.. You wouldn't know I don't wash it everyday. Besides, it is bad to wash your hair every single day.. Here I go explaining myself again :( Darn it!
Posted by Elle2021 on January 8, 2004, at 2:54:46
In reply to Another late night? » Elle2021, posted by Karen_kay on January 7, 2004, at 11:14:40
Hi Karen,
How do you get by with never brushing your hair? Is it in a weave? Sometimes I don't brush my hair (or wash it). Seems to style better when it isn't clean, my hairstylist even backed me up on that. I do usually wash mine once a day (once every other day if I don't have to go somewhere). I can't imagine your clothes not matching! Especially after the thread about therapy fashion disasters! :) I also have mostly black and white clothes (to match my black and white thinking, hehehe). I find they really do match just about everything, so it's easy to get dressed in the morning.That is so rude of your pdoc. I can't belive he said that to you. One time I emailed my pdoc and he never emailed me back and then didn't even mention my email in the next session I had. My feelings were hurt. I didn't bring it up. And one time he didn't call me back and I was really hurt about that too. He said that it was a "miscommunication" betwixt the receptionist, me, and him. Just kinda upsets me that he blamed it on your bpd. Doesn't he know that not everybody is the same "level" of bpd. Like you said, if your bf breaks up with you, you aren't going to commit suicide. Neither would I. I haven't ever threatened to commit suicide or anything like that. You know, sometimes I feel like my pdoc doesn't even think therapy will help me. I refuse to divulge anything personal. It's really a problem for me. I just can't bring myself to tell him about anything except my OCD (and even that is limited disclosure). I only have appointments with him once a month. And, it is snowing so bad, I don't even know if I will be able to make my next one. :( I don't like missing appointments.
Maybe if Shorty got a part time job she might start doing better. I think group therapy is a good idea for her. This way she will have to control her rage or be at the mercy of being ridiculed by her fellow group-mates. I don't do group, as you already know I have enough trouble talking alone with my pdoc. Hopefully she will be able to get things under control soon. The doctor should wean her off the Klonopin. I take that, and it is pretty addictive. Maybe detox would help her?
Well, I'm going to be giddy awaiting your response! :)
Elle
Posted by Karen_kay on January 8, 2004, at 12:27:41
In reply to Re: Another late night? » Karen_kay, posted by Elle2021 on January 8, 2004, at 2:54:46
How do you get by with never brushing your hair?
*?? I just do. I don't have to brush it. It isn't messy or anything really. It used to be really messy (when my neice used to ask about it) but now it is sleek and shiny. Now I'm in this "phase" where I'm overly concerned with my appearance-I want to look like I have it together so I can fool myself into believing I do. I know it isn't true, but still. Everybody has their something.Is it in a weave?
For some reason this made me laugh. I guess some people think because you don't brush your hair it is ratty. My hair is fine so I just don't have to brush it. It's not fine like a cat's hair fine, but it is fine. No, I don't have a weave.I can't imagine your clothes not matching! Especially after the thread about therapy fashion disasters! :) I also have mostly black and white clothes (to match my black and white thinking, hehehe). I find they really do match just about everything, so it's easy to get dressed in the morning.
*I never thought about the black and white wardrobe to match the black and white thinking! Hmph! When I was in high school and first starting college I was a punk! But, I had to sit out of school for a while a find a semirespectable job and grow up, so I had to learn to dress myself. IE. finding clothes that matched. I know which clothes look good together and everything. But, I just did an inventory on my clothing stock and found that I pretty much stick with basic black and white, with a little bit or khaki thrown in for color! It's strange that I own so much black though, considering the fact that I do laundry once a day.One time I emailed my pdoc and he never emailed me back and then didn't even mention my email in the next session I had. My feelings were hurt. I didn't bring it up.
*Yeah, if he doesn't call me back, I'd rather him not bring it up. I don't want to hear some lame excuse. I'd rather think that he just didn't get my message. There was another time that he didn't call me as well. I had a flashback and I called him twice the morning of my appointment, which again is very rare for me. I didn't tell him I had a flashback, I didn't even know what it was. I just called to try and get my appointment switched to an earlier time. He didn't call me back. When I saw him that afternoon he said, "I noticed you called me again." I just ignored him and told him what happened. I figured the best way to put him in his place is to hake him feel like crap by letting him know what I was going through and showing him how he is never there anyway. (And see, this makes me wonder. This statement I just made. Like, "I'll show him" Is that me being spiteful Karen or is it BPD?) Man, maybe he really is a jerk... Maybe it is just my black and white thinking? Hard to say.....
Like you said, if your bf breaks up with you, you aren't going to commit suicide. Neither would I. I haven't ever threatened to commit suicide or anything like that.
*I haven't ever threatened to commit suicide because my boyfriend says he's going to leave me or anything like that. I have actually attempted suicide 2 times. But, both times I was severely depressed (before I was on the current medication I am taking now and is working WONDERFULLY!!!!!! YAHOO!!!).. So, it has nothing to do with BPD, and maybe something to do with Bipolar, maybe nothing to do with it? I don't know. Maybe it just has everything to do with me? No, I'd have to say honetly it had eerything to do with being depressed, because since I've been on a medication that actually works to stabilize my moods, I feel so great! But, yeah. It does drive me crazy to think that my therapist would assume that I would do something so silly and juvinile. But it bothers me. Because he's supposed to know me too. And if he misunderstands me that much, how much help can he really be? He's just got the wrong idea of me completely, based on what he's read in some book. He's not listening to what I tell him, you know? I had this discussion with him last week... I am a bit upset because he only hears the bad things aobut me anyway. After all, I'm not there to change the good things. So, he has a certain picture of me in his head. So, why wouldn't he make assumptions about me? It's a no win situation. I'm going to be apt to start wasting my time talking about the Finer Points of Karen now,jsut so he has a more realistic picture of me. At least then he won't make false assumptions based on DSM criteria. Man, I'm still mad!You know, sometimes I feel like my pdoc doesn't even think therapy will help me. I refuse to divulge anything personal. It's really a problem for me. I just can't bring myself to tell him about anything except my OCD (and even that is limited disclosure).
*I was that way too! My therapist said I was the most resistant client he ever had. And I believe that. It's hard. I have a hard time trusting people. I don't really tell my Pdoc when I have problems with anxiety until I have them for about a month straight. I wait until it gets to the point that I can not take it anymore, and past that point. But, my problem is with denial. I think if I deny that the problem exists, then it will go away. And it worked in the past. I forgot a lot of really bad things, only they came back to bite me in the butt, in different ways and I'm working really hard now to try and remember my own age... That sucks!
Why do you have a hard time talking about your own problems? What is it you fear? If it helps to talk to me, I'll listen. Soemtimes it helps to jsut talk to a computer, soemone you don't have to "look in the eyes"... That stinks. I know sometimes when I'm looking at my therapist I feel like he's judging me, wondering why I "didn't leave" or why I didn't do this or didn't do that. And sometimes I feel like he feels sorry for me. I hate that.I don't like missing appointments.
**I hate missing appointments! I haven't missed a single one yet. I was even visiting a friend for a week, two hours away and drove back for an appointment rather than change it. Go figure. Maybe you can take a bus? Or have your mom drive you?Maybe if Shorty got a part time job she might start doing better.
She's tried a part time job a got fired. From her perspective, "It ended bad." Now, if she says it ended bad, it must have ended pretty darn bad. And it was jsut Walmart. That was about the only experience she has ever had with a job. Her uncle also got her a job in a factory where he worked, but she lasted for about a week. Again, she got fired for her temper. She just has these fits of rage when something, anything happens.
I think group therapy is a good idea for her.
She had to be in group one of the many times she was in the hospital. That is what she will be going into when she has to resume therapy. She says she doesn't mind it, but she won't talk unless she is made to. And I'm certain she won't talk aobut her co-dependency on her mother, which is what she needs to be discussing. I can't even discuss it with her. She flies into a fit of rage with me if I try. And detox won't work either. She won't do it unless someone makes her go. She wouldn't go on her own. And her mom gets all kinds of pain meds and such, so she has a supply of sorts. She IM last night saying she was going to SI and it wouldn't happen if her mom would have taken her to get vodka like she wanted. I just don't know what to do... She's been to the hospital and stayed for a week or two at a time, but she never comes back and gets proper therapy like she says she will. Maybe she's a lost cause? Her mom's kinda the same way, was co-dependent on her father..
Posted by Elle2021 on January 9, 2004, at 14:15:44
In reply to Girl, you have to start getting some sleep! » Elle2021, posted by Karen_kay on January 8, 2004, at 12:27:41
AHHHHHHHHHH!!! I had an awesome post for you and then I forgot to put my name in at the top and it made me have to hit the browsers back button and the post was gone!!!! Argh.
Well I will do my best to rewrite it.
Okay, I am in the midst of a manic episode. I feel wonderful, like I could run a marathon! It's great when depression lifts for a while.
I didn't mean to imply that your hair was ratty, silly girl. It's just that the only people I know who don't have to brush their hair are my friends who are black, and they have weaves, so I just assumed you did. Sorry! I hope I didn't hurt your feelings or offend you, that is never my intention!
The reason I am afraid to talk to my pdoc is because I am afraid he will judge me or something. I have some real problems with intimacy. For instance I could never talk to any of my boyfriends about me or my feelings. I could sit and listen to them talk about their feelings for hours, but the second they asked me to share...I was outta there. Thats another thing, my pdoc is always asking me why I don't have a boyfriend. Well, that is the reason. Plus I have TONS of pet peeves; little things upset me. If you have any advice on how I can open with my doctor, I would love and appreciate it. Oh yeah, and, I think I am going to be able to make it to my pdoc app. I'm excited cause I have some questions for him. First of all, I want to know what he thinks is wrong with me and I want to see my file. I'm really curious about what he thinks about me.
>*I haven't ever threatened to commit suicide because my boyfriend says he's going to leave me or anything like that. I have actually attempted suicide 2 times.
I haven't ever tried to commit suicide, but I have suicidal ideation. I think about it, but I would never be able to go through with it. One time I had this really whacked out dream. I was wearing this long black coat and I was walking through the snow and pretty soon I just collapsed into the snow because I had taken too many pills. My pdoc thought it was because I was thinking too much about suicide, but the real reason is because I am so paranoid about taking the exact amount of correct medication. By the way, I am super happy that you found a med that makes you feel better!!
>This statement I just made. Like, "I'll show him" Is that me being spiteful Karen or is it BPD?)Well, I think since it was a defense mechanism, it was probably the bpd. You didn't want him to know it hurt your feelings.
I have an idea for Shorty. What you need to do is call her doctor and tell him you are worried about her co-dependecy problem. Have him address it in group (indirectly of course). BUT, tell him NOT to tell her that you called him and suggested it, that would probably make her really mad.
Well, I look forward to hearing from you again really soon!
Elle
Posted by Karen_kay on January 9, 2004, at 16:13:34
In reply to Re: Girl, you have to start getting some sleep! » Karen_kay, posted by Elle2021 on January 9, 2004, at 14:15:44
Don't you hate it when you lose a post. And they are always the caring, insightful ones too. So, when you rewrite them, they end up being spiteful and angry. Right????
Manic episodes aren't usually so fun for me. Well, they are at the time. It's just that the aftermath isn't quite so fun. I'm notorious for spending money I don't have, ending up completely naked in public (and I mean Main Street at 4 pm in Small Town, USA), I'm highly suseptable to suggestion and my sister knows it. That's what bothers me. She knows that I do things that just aren't right and she persists in leading me to continue doing them. But, I still love her. Hypomania I do enjoy. I'm productive and enjoyable to be around. My friends call me "Fun Karen" when I'm hypomanic. I can stay up until 2 am working on a project and them party until 6. Then sleep for a few hours and make it to a 10 am class and still pay attention! It's amazing, simply amazing. Only with that soon comes a manic cycle, and that's where the trouble comes. That's where I start pacing, hallucinating and just losing touch with reality altogether.
But, I truly would take a manic episode over depression ANYDAY! Honestly!You didn't offend me by talking about my hair at all! I even explain it to my sisters, who see me! I even curl the ends at times. It was strange, my therapist last session remarked that I got a haircut (because I curled the ends out). I just ignored him. Is that rude you think? I didn't get a hair cut and didn't feel like wasting my time going into the details of styling tips with him. So, I simply said no and he persisted saying that it looked shorter and so I just sat there and finally when he saw I wasn't going to comment any further he said, "Well, it looks nice anyway." Hello, if I was going to get it cut, I'd get the roots touched up as well. I felt like pointing that out to him, but I didn't want to point out the fact that my roots were showing in case he didn't notice. But, anyway you didn't offend me. I know you think my hair is ratty and that I must have spiders living in my hair. As a matter of fact I do, and I may invite some of them over to your house if you don't choose your words more carefully! I don't know why I found the comment about the weave funny, I just did. It is odd sometimes what I find funny and what I don't. At the time that just struck me as funny. I guess because I don't have a weave?? I don't know.
I had a hard time opening up to my therapist. An extremely hard time!!!!! I think that what helps is learning why you have such a hard time opening up. You say it is the fear that you will be judged. Do you have a good relationship with your Pdoc? I feared that too, at first. I still do, to an extent. But he's there to help you. Maybe you could start off with something small. A small secret that you wouldn't want him to know but if he did it wouldn't be the end of the world.
I know that what helped me was the fact that I had to be in control, because as a child I had none. So, my therapist picked up on this and let me lead the sessions for about 3 months. We basically chit-chatted and didn't get anywhere honestly, but it helped create a bond and helped prove to me that he wasn't there to be a "control hound" or to order me around. After that, I started having nightmares and flashbacks and remembering things and he took control back. But, before he gave me control, we weren't getting anywhere. I just sat there and looked at him with contempt. I felt like he was there to control me, not to help me. That's the approach that helped me. But that's not the situation you're in..... Sorry, rambling...How long have you been seeing your Pdoc? And what is the relationship like? Has he ever judged you before? So, why do you think he would now? I'm reading "In Session" right now and it's very enlightening. I'm beginning to realize that if I really want to tackle my problems, I have to face them head-on. So, I ask you, if your problem is with intimacy, is it that you are afraid that your Pdoc will judge you or are you afraid to let him know your intimate thoughts and feelings? (Am I off base here?) What better way to learn to be intimate, not sexually of course, then with someone who is safe?
He's not going to judge you. He will challenge you, yes! And it will be hard. But just htink of the rewards.
I know what you mean about wanting to know what is wrong with you. One time I asked my therapist, "Do you think something is wrong with me?" and he said, "Well, you're here." Not the answer I was looking for! And I always go in and ask him if he thinks I have antisocial personality disorder, or who would play me in my own made-for-TV movie, or what type of car I would be... I always have some type of question for him. It was sweet, last night I had a nightmare about him and I was terrified and I called him today to make sure he was ok adn he said that he was frustrated because a meeting was canceled but he'd be better if he had a client like me today :) It's the little things like that, you know! He even offered me an appointment today to talk aobut the dream, but I didn't have makeup on and I'm just a pain! I can't go anywhere without makeup.... Of course I didn't say that. Just politely declined and said I'd be fine. I hate having nightmares because those are the only dreams I remember :(
Sometimes it's strange that we know our dreams and what they mean. And it's also nice to have a different perspective on them too. What bothers me is when the shrink thinks they are right, no matter what (I'm not suggesting yours does this). Mine is always open to interpretation. I'm glad! I bet that dream was visual though with the black coat and the white snow. The drastic difference in your appearance and the appearance of the background. Does that mean anything to you?
Shorty still isn't going to group, so I suspect they'll cut her off of her meds soon. And I found out last night she did cut herself because she didn't get vodka. But, she was getting drunk last night when I talked to her. I would call the dr except that I don't trust they'll keep it confidential. I know the place she goes and I really don't trust the work they do.
Awaiting your reply,
Karen
Posted by Elle2021 on January 9, 2004, at 16:47:20
In reply to Re: Girl, you have to start getting some sleep! » Elle2021, posted by Karen_kay on January 9, 2004, at 16:13:34
Well,
I was just talking to mum, trying to be open and talk about how I feel that she is controlling and domineering. I casually mentioned that I wanted to get a job again and move back out and be independent, because that is what my pdoc wants me to work on. And she goes, "I really do not know what that guy is filling your head with." It hurt my feelings that she thinks he is so unintelligent. He is smart. I like him. Then when I tried to continue the conversation she cut me off and goes, I don't want to discuss it anymore, and went back to reading her paper. So I said, "I don't care if you don't want to talk about it, I'm talking!" She just ignored me. She always ignores me.Well, I don't think my pdoc really likes me that well. I think he thinks I am a big boring waste of time. I have been seeing him for about one and a half years. I still don't trust him very much. I do want to tell him things, personal things, but I just don't have the courage, it's too scary right now. I wish I could have your bravery. I am looking forward to your Wednesday visit when you are supposed to ask him if he fantasizes about his clients. I'm anxious to know the reply. :)
About my nightmares:
Pdoc usually gives me his interpretation and I just stay silent even if I know he's wrong. I'm super passive in therapy, which is totally out of character for me. Usually I'm opinionated and expressive about superficial stuff. Also, I don't think your anti-social. I was really paranoid that I was cause I read about it in my psych book, but really I just don't fit the category whatsoever. My pdoc confirmed that he doesn't think so either. I used to self-diagnose all the time. I was terrified for a long time that I was Schizophrenic, but my pdoc said it wasn't likely (but he said I have to wait, that it could still develop). That wasn't an overly comforting thought.Thats really sweet that your therapist offered you an app. today. Mine would never do that. Not ever. He restricts me to once a month, no more, sometimes less. Anyway, I feel like crying about that now, so I'm gonna finish this post. So much for my happy mania, looks like it was just a mood swing.
Elle
Posted by Karen_kay on January 9, 2004, at 23:37:24
In reply to Bye bye happy mania, posted by Elle2021 on January 9, 2004, at 16:47:20
I understand about your mum. I have a friend, who in spite of the fact that I'm doing SO much better, still thinks that I shouldn't be taking "drugs" (my one medication) and doing therapy. She thinks I'm strong enough to do it on my own. I think the best thing for you to do is to decide not to discuss this matter with your mum. If you can't agree with her on this and can't avoid a confrontation, then it's best just not to discuss it with her at all. You have so many other things you can talk to her about that won't end in hurt feelings, so stick with those. Also, can you just get a job and make plans of your own, without involving her? I mean you are an adult and don't have to plan everything according to her. I know that she is an important part of your life and everything, but if she doesn't support you on becoming independent, then talk to others who do. If that's your goal, then go for it. With or without her full support.
I get the same feeling from my therapist. When I feel that he doesn't like me, I tell him. That's all we cussed and discussed last week. I told him that I really didn't think he liked me anyway. And he became somewhat defensive saying that there's no reason for me to feel that way. This led to the "phone call" dicussion/misunderstanding. And it just made me realize that we all make mistakes. I think it made him realize not to jump to conclusions. I project my feelings onto my therapist OFTEN! Is it possible that you're feeling frustrated and that's why you think that he doesn't like you?
And I'm not brave at all. I just blurt things out often. And I have a curious mind. I want to know what people do. But, I'm afraid if I ask him that question now it will lead to a discussion that I don't want to tackle and I'll have to admit that I'm asking it for here. Then, I don't think he'll answer it. It's just that the timing isn't right. I'll see if I can fit it in, but with that dream being discussed I don't know if I can. Maybe at the end, when we start talking about lighter things, I'll see if I can fit it in. I'll just tell him I'm reading a book and I'm curious to know. But, I'm afraid he'll say,"Do you mean do I think about you?" And my face will turn red and we'll end up doing it and I'll catch an STD from him. What a mess that would be, explaining that to my boyfriend and all!
About your nightmares:
Maybe yoy could jump in first and say, "I think it means this, (explain), what do you think?" That might make him see that you think about them too. Usually my therapist asks me what I think first then gives me his interpretation afterwards. I prefer that method better.My Pdoc, who doesn't do my therapy, was always saying, "But I don't think you are Schizophrenic" I didn't really find that overly comforting either. I knew I wasn't and didn't need him telling me that every five minutes. What I needed was for him to tell me what was wrong.
Why are you limited to only once a month? Isn't the "norm" once a week? Why don't you talk to him about seeing him more often? I know it's hard. I'd like to start going more often as well, as things are getting rough. But, I fear that being dx BPD kinda holds the stigma again that I would become too needy or dependent upon him. It's a no win situation for me. I'm just waiting for him to offer, if that ever happens. And I'm afraid that maybe he's waiting for me to ask for help, as that's a goal. Go figure!
But, maybe you could find out about seeing a different therapist? Maybe you just aren't clicking with this one? I mean once a month just doesn't seem right. Ask him why you can't have more appointments and if there isn't a good reason, I'd ask about a referal to a different therapist that you could see once a week. It seems that even with appoinments once a week, progress is slow. I couldn't imagine once a month.
And don't cry babe! Things get better! You had a fight with your mum and I'm sorry. But she still loves you! And your therapsit likes you! And I like you! And Shorty would like you too, if she knew you. And everyone on the board likes you! You seem like such a sweet person. Try to look at the good things you have in your life right now. You're a snappy dresser I'm sure, even if you do smell foul :)
Come on, get happy again....
Karen
Posted by Elle2021 on January 10, 2004, at 1:04:00
In reply to Re: Bye bye happy mania, posted by Karen_kay on January 9, 2004, at 23:37:24
I definitely could get a job, I mean, once I have one, she isn't going to try to make me quit. But, she has ways of making me feel ultra-guilty for doing something that lessens her control. When I lived away from her, she used to call me everynight and if I was getting ready to go somewhere, she would get really upset and want me to stay home. Then, if she couldn't get me to stay home she would be like, "Well, don't stay out past x amount, and call me periodically." I would always tell her (very calmly), "Well, I'm not really sure what time I will be home, or if it will be before x, but tomrrow I will give you a call." That was never good enough for her. I feel like she really has some issues concerning her not leaving the house. I talked to her about seeing a doctor and she thinks I'm trying to be spiteful, but I'm not. I really do want her to see a doctor.
>And I'm not brave at all. I just blurt things out often.
Yes, hehe. I blurt things out too, but they never come out the way I want them to. :) You don't have to ask that question, I just thought it would be interesting. Does your therapist know you post here? Does he know which one you are?
>But, maybe you could find out about seeing a different therapist?
I could, he has offered to get me an appointment with this female therapist. Sometimes, I think I might do better with a female therapist. My appointments with my pdoc used to be once every two weeks, but they weren't on his regular schedule. Now I have a recurring app. But, it's only once a month and it doesn't amount to much more than a meds check. :( I will talk to him about it at my upcoming appointment. I just want him to like me. I have this need for him to like me and want me to be his daughter. But I have a feeling that he is more likely thinking, "I'm so happy my kids didn't turn out like this."
Giddily awaiting a response to the NON-ratty-haired Karen.
Elle
Posted by Karen_kay on January 11, 2004, at 14:46:54
In reply to Start Small » Karen_kay, posted by Elle2021 on January 10, 2004, at 1:04:00
I'm sorry it has taken a while to get back to you. I attempted one yesterday and lost it. What's the deal, pickle? I just gave up after that...
Happy Birthday to you!
I'd send you a card, but I don't want to scare you by letting you know that I know where you live so early in the relationship. I'll wait until you are ready to know that I know where you live. Follow that? I'm not sure if I did either. Actually, upon reading that, it sounds rather frightening, doesn't it? Happy Birthday anyway :) Make it a great one!Maybe it would help you mum if you offered to go with her to see the doctor? It helps to have support and with you there it might help ease her distress of leaving the house as well...
Also, I'm sure that the reason she is so controlling is because she feels that she has almost no control. I mean, she has issues (as in fears, ect.) about leaving her house and all.If I were you, I'd ask for a referal to that therapist. If you don't really think your Pdoc is giving you all the help you need, what's the harm?
I often think that the wheels in my therapist's head are turning and he's think, "God help me if my daughter turns out like this!" Actually, I'm thinking the same thing. I hope his daughter doesn't turn out like me. I hope she's perfect and lovely (not that I don't think I'm lovely or anything) I just want his life to be perfect to make up for all the bad things and actions I throw at him during the session. He told me once that he and his wife got into a fight (I'm certain it was her fault :) and he left and slammed the door and on his way out he heard his daughter say, "Why is daddy so upset?" He came back inside and sat down with his daughter and talked to her and apologized for showing his temper in front of her. (Isn't that sweet?)I wish he was my daddy! See, you aren't alone!
Posted by Elle2021 on January 11, 2004, at 21:37:36
In reply to Re: Start Small » Elle2021, posted by Karen_kay on January 11, 2004, at 14:46:54
I can already tell this post isn't going to be a good one...I try!
> I'm sorry it has taken a while to get back to you.
Thats okay, it takes me a while to respond to you because I save it for the last because I like to spend time writing it. Not that I don't try to make all the posts I write to other people well written. I guess you just seem to get "me" so I can blab on and on and on...well you get the picture, I hope.
>I'll wait until you are ready to know that I know where you live. Follow that? I'm not sure if I did either. Actually, upon reading that, it sounds rather frightening, doesn't it?
Hehe! Yes, rather frightening actually. :)
> Maybe it would help you mum if you offered to go with her to see the doctor? It helps to have support and with you there it might help ease her distress of leaving the house as well...
Thats a good point. I hadn't thought of that. Next time I broach the subject, I will try that angle. That could work.
> Also, I'm sure that the reason she is so controlling is because she feels that she has almost no control. I mean, she has issues (as in fears, ect.) about leaving her house and all.
Someone else suggested that very thing.
> If I were you, I'd ask for a referal to that therapist. If you don't really think your Pdoc is giving you all the help you need, what's the harm?
The harm is that then he might abandon me altogether, which I definitely don't want. But, my app. is Tuesday, so we will see how much courage I have that day to approach the subject.
> (Isn't that sweet?)
Yes, I wish he was my therapist... :(
> I wish he was my daddy! See, you aren't alone!
Good to know.
Elle
Posted by Karen_kay on January 11, 2004, at 23:36:10
In reply to Not a very interesting post... » Karen_kay, posted by Elle2021 on January 11, 2004, at 21:37:36
So, I had half of a 14 page post all typed out and the FIRST freaking time I EVER spell checked a word with the handy, freaking, dandy spell checker provided by Dr. Bob, my computer froze up. Can you believe the horror? The audacity? See, I don't even know if that's spelled right. Can you check it for me and let me know?
Anyhoooo....
You were right, your last post wasn't interesting so I'll make a feeble (sp?) [see, I don't know why I care now, I never cared before] attempt to make this one twice as interesting to make up for the incredibly boring post you sent my way :)
I was touched that you said you save my posts for last. Last, like the last cookiein the cookie jar or the last cigarette in the pack. The one to be savoured. Or could you possibly mean that you dread replying to me. Like that last final that you just hate to have to study for, but you know you have to so you settle down, but only at the very last minute. Or the last five minutes of a movie that you just don't want to sit through, but you've already devote three hours of your time and sat with a lousy date who licked his fingers before reaching into your bucket of popcorn repeatedly and tried to rest his head on your shoulders even though you kept shrudging them. The date who left his cell phone on during the movie and even talked to his friend saying, "Yeah, I'm on a date with a girl who isn't that hot, but I'm trying to hook up with her friend." (I think we all know that guy, if not then I'd think you are that guy!) Yeah, that guy. Is that what you're comparing my posts to? That guy, that movie, that final? I surely hope not....I'll wait for your next reply to see.
And yes, I'd say I can be rather frightening at times. But, at times I can be fun as well. Take the good with the bad I guess. Weigh it out and see which you like I suppose? I'd have to say although I'm rather creepy (That's how I'd explain myself) I think I'm also witty and fun to be around or at least talk to. So, although I'm creepy I think that quirk (as I call it) suits me to a T!Another thing about your mum, do you think you can beat her to the punch. Maybe instead of her always hassling you about calling her, you could suggest calling her? Say, "Mum, I'll call you at 8." Maybe if you tell her you'll call her instead of her always insisting on you calling her she'll see that you are just as interested in making sure she knows that you are ok. And then maybe she'll lay off. Also, maybe you can suggest you two go places together. It'll get her out of the house more often. Just to the grocery or shopping together or just her taking you to class every once in a while may help her out. Now this may or may not work. No 30 day money back guarantee here. And if it does, don't come crawling back asking for more advice. The next time, it'll cost you, and my services run about the same as a therapist's. :)
I don't think your Pdoc will want to leave you if you ask to be referred to a therapist. Just broach the subject like this. "I'm intersted in starting therapy. Is there a therapist that you could refer me to or that you would suggest. I would also like to continue seeing you for my med check and having you as my Pdoc. Now, for that referral..." I'm sure that he would actually be pleased that you have decided to see a therapist. That's a step in the right directin ad I'm sure that he would be happy for you. There's no reason that he wouldn't be able to see you for your med check. No reason at all, as long as he doesn't do therapy. If he does do therapy for you that would be a problem. If it is strictly meds, it wouldn't be a problem at all!
I'd like for my therapist to be your therpist too. Unless you're prettier than I am. Or a better client. Or have better hair. Or nicer nails. Or progress faster. Or have less issues. Or a better daughter. Or don't have a tatoo. Or are less resistant. Or what if he likes you better? What if he returns your calls more than mine?See now this could cause problems...... If you became his client, just don't tell me, OK??? :)
And if you're a better daughter, PLEASE don't tell me, OK????? Other than that, I'm ok with it!!!! :)
Now nerviously awaiting your post,
Karen
Posted by Elle2021 on January 12, 2004, at 0:04:32
In reply to *@#$^^ Computer!, posted by Karen_kay on January 11, 2004, at 23:36:10
>The audacity?
I believe that is correct... :)
> I was touched that you said you save my posts for last. Last, like the last cookiein the cookie jarMore like the last Vicodin in the bottle...jk
> And yes, I'd say I can be rather frightening at times. But, at times I can be fun as well. Take the good with the bad I guess.
Well I think your posts are pretty funny. I like reading them cause they make me laugh and even when I'm upset or irritated I can't help myself. I'm sure my family wonders what is so funny!
> Another thing about your mum, do you think you can beat her to the punch.
Well that I have tried, and it seems to encourage her to call me more often. Not that I mind talking to her, but I wish we could have a normal conversation.
>No 30 day money back guarantee here. And if it does, don't come crawling back asking for more advice. The next time, it'll cost you, and my services run about the same as a therapist's. :)
Oh great, well then I can't afford you! My pdoc charges 270 dollars an hour. Ridiculous!!
Another thing that scares me is that he might offer to do the therapy himself, which would be a bad idea for me. I already can't bring myself to tell him anything. But, I like his reassurance. Like last time he goes, "Well, just remember that I said it's going to be okay." I just sheepishly smiled, I didn't know what to say. And then he goes, "Not like that matters or makes a difference huh?" But it made a big difference. I wish I could have told him so, but I didn't know what to say. I guess I could have said, it's nice to be reassured, but then he might have said, well why do you need to be reassured etc...
And I get really scared before sessions with him. My face has this awful habit of turning bright red and I shake cause I'm so nervous. He always asks me if he should turn the heat up or if I'm cold. No I'm not cold, just nervous! So now, I try to make a point of sitting still on the couch, but it only works sometimes. I also trip over my words. Like, um, er, eh... Stuff like that. Or else I forget words altogether and used technical words like, thingie... ;) I think he must think I am some kind of basketcase. Oh well, I think I am too! :)Don't worry, if I went to your therapist he would probably think we were related or something! haha, I'm just joking!
Elle
Posted by Karen_kay on January 12, 2004, at 13:37:11
In reply to Re: *@#$^^ Computer!, posted by Elle2021 on January 12, 2004, at 0:04:32
The last Vicodin, eh? I'll take that! Come to think of it, I sure could use one right about now. I'm thinking I'm going to take my anxiety medication before my appointment with my therapist. Now, this should be interesting. I just might go in there blabbing on and on. I so have a habit of looking and the clock when I'm in there and he has a habit of saying, "Don't worry, we still have 45 minutes left." Yes, it begins that early in the session. Funny, I used to look forward to the sessions but as soon as I got in the office and sat down I would look at the clock and think, "Can I set it fast?" Even though when time is up I don't want to leave, I just don't want to talk either. Maybe if I take my meds first (is that abuse, even though I do get anxious before I go in?) I'll staple my hands to the chair and he'll need a crane to get me out of his blasted office! See how he likes that. I'm going to tell him this time that I like him, not sexually or anything, but that I think he's doing a good job. I don't ever tell him that and I think my dream is also telling me that I should give him some positive reinforcement as well. The thing is, I really make a good boss. Just with him, I can't seem to tell him how much I appreciate him. Or how much I think I need him. I'm scared to. :( Do I have to? I think my dream says I should. But it is just a stupid dream. But I don't remember stupid dreams, I only remember important ones. Help me Elle!
Yeah, I'm glad you get a kick out of my pain and suffering. I'm glad someone does. If it helps, I'll post more of my emotional turmoil for you to laugh and point your finger at and say, "Ha ha, I'm glad I'm not her! She sure is stupid. She doesn't brush her hair. She probably doesn't shower either. And she can't match her clothes properly. I bet she has bunions (huh is that spelled right?) and camel toe too!" Yeah keep laughing my friend we can't all be perfect like you! :)
I checked and my Pdoc charges 320 an hour. I never realized it was so high, but I did the math and for a 20 minute med check, it runs 80 something. Maybe there's a break in price for an hour session or something??? I don't think he's ever charged me that much and I know we've ran over 20 minutes many times, but it is always his fault. My therapist charges 120 something I think an hour for therapy. But I live in a small town so the price is according to the demand (?? ha! I think more people in this town would seriously benefit from intensive therapy!).I don't think he would question why his reassurance would be important to you. He is your Pdoc after all. Do you think if he offered to do you therapy that you still wouldn't be able to open up? If he offered, then you should say that you need an apt every week or every other week at least. Once a month isn't enough for you, if that's what you think. And I too am at a loss for words many times (GASP)! It happens. And I prefer not to use any type of technical words for fear that I use the wrong one or use it in the wrong context. No way! I just use common words like "thingey" too! "I feel thingey for you" ect.... He gets the picture.
I have a feeling too that if you were to see my therapist he may think we were related. I wouldn't take that as an insult though. I'd just say you were my third cousin, twice removed :) But again, you have to do your best so that he likes me better than you, ok? We do seem to be on the same wavelength and share some similar dx. Coincidence?
My friend, who recently moved commented to me that the only support she has right now is from her two best friends (me and Shorty), both of which happen to be crazy. I kinda thought that was funny.
Posted by Elle2021 on January 12, 2004, at 18:47:17
In reply to Re: *@#$^^ Computer!, posted by Karen_kay on January 12, 2004, at 13:37:11
I don't think taking a Klonopin or something that will relax you before a session is abuse. I mean, it's prescribed to calm us down right? I have done that before, the only thing is, it seems to have a different effect on me. Instead of getting all talkative, I just completely shut down. I just listen and nod at everything my doctor says. But it might be different for you.
I'm always too embarrassed to look at the clock, I don't want him to think I'm bored or something. But, when he's not looking, I look!About your dream:
So, I think what your saying is that you feel you need to show him how much you appreciate what he's done/doing for you. I'm trying to think of a few ways you could do that. I support the idea of coming right out and telling him about the dream. Then he can analyze it. I'm actually really curious about it because I think it means something about your progress.Oh Karen, I do not get a kick out of your pain and suffering. It's just the way you express yourself just makes me laugh (in a good way). So yes, keep the troubles coming this way. :) I didn't mean to imply I was perfect (far from it really). My pdoc keeps asking me what I think would happen if I said something stupid or did something really dumb that was less than perfect. He keeps reminding me that people will still love me, etc. But I can't say I believe that 100%.
320 dollars an hour!! I thought mine was bad. His rates are all listed on the billing sheet. It's really specific too. It has time increments (sp? no, I'm not going to spell check this so you better just figure it out) listed on it with how much it costs per every 10 minutes. It seems so callous in a way. I will talk to you for 10 minutes in exchange for $xx.xx But I guess like someone else on here said, they aren't your friends. But I wish he was my friend. And somebody else said something about getting hugs from their pdoc (was that you?). I don't get hugs. We started with handshakes, but that felt too impersonal and hugs feel too intimate. So...I feel like Goldilocks, looking for that "just right" feeling. Haven't found it yet.
And BTW, nothing wrong with a crazy friend or two or three or four...
Elle
Posted by Karen_kay on January 12, 2004, at 19:41:07
In reply to Meds before sessions, posted by Elle2021 on January 12, 2004, at 18:47:17
I'm going to go for the meds before the session. Let's see what happens, shall we? What could possbily go wrong? [She says and then: I get there and realize I've forgotten to dress completely.
Or I tell him that I NEED him and I post on this message board about his mistakes and misgivings. He decides to later look up the message board. He obviously picks me out with little problems. He reads all of my posts and knows what I really think about him (which are good things), not to mention his wife (uh oh!). He holds grudges against me because I say bad things about him occassionally and because I open up to you more than I open up to him. He confronts me with his newfound knowledge and I am speachless and begin crying for forgiveness, screaming, "I'm so sorry Daddy! Don't abandon me. I'll tell you my secrets too." He doesn't believe me and decides to terminate therapy. I ask for a referral, and he declines. I later try to get an appointment with other therapists, yet none will see me. My whole "therapy career" is ruined. All because I decided to take anxiety medication before a session.Hmmmmm. Yeah, I still think I'll try it.
I'm always looking at the clock. Last week, I went to grab my coffee and decided against it and my therapist said, "You can drink your coffee if you want." And I said, "Yeah, I know I can. I just didn't want it." Then he said, "Where you looking at the clock but didn't want to be rude?" And I said, "I look at the clock all the time and you comment on how much time we have left during every session. If I want to look at the clock, I'll look at the clock. I won't try to disguise it. I just thought I wanted my coffee and realized I didn't. OK?" And that was the truth. Sheesh! Soemtimes I think I want a drink, then realize I don't. Honestly! Don't look too much into it. I look at the clock several times each session, why would I try to disguise it? It's jsut being curious! Why would I suddenly change?
Well, the dream means much more than that. But, it also means that as well. And I already told him the dream when I called him, so I can't get out of discussing it with him. I'm thinking this is what I want to say, "Well, Bubba, you're my tour guide in a foreign country and you help decide whether I have a nice trip or a bad one, based on what I tell you I'd like to see. I'd prefer to have a nice one. But, you're leading me. I haven't been here before, so be careful please :) And thank you for the journey, in advance.
(Does that sound too cliche?)Also, I know that if you said some really stupid things it would make me feel better personally. It wouldn't make me feel so alone atleast. I feel like maybe I'm the only one who says or does stupid things all the time. Maybe if someone else on this message board screwed up every once in a while I could be like, "OK, finally! Karen's not the only one who messes up! Thank you Frita!" Sheesh! You guys set an awful high standard, I swear! For crying out loud!
As for your Pdoc, maybe you could run up and hug him one day. What would happen? What do you think he would do? I have a mental image of me running up to my therapist and sitting on his lap >) He told me once that inappropriate would be if I sat on his lap and rubbed his head. Maybe I'll try that my last day? I'm sick, already planning what I will do on my last day..... But, maybe I'll see what I can get away with Wednesday. Maybe I won't be able to either. That dream really upset me. I may even start crying. :( Then he may start crying. Then I'd have to smack him, seriously.
Posted by Elle2021 on January 13, 2004, at 5:23:43
In reply to Re: Meds before sessions » Elle2021, posted by Karen_kay on January 12, 2004, at 19:41:07
Well, I am having my pre-session jitters, which will soon turn into in-session shakes. I did however, paint my nails a shade of very feminine pink (just for my pdoc). They had better not chip before my appointment. And about my app. I got it changed to later in the day. I mean, really, he was expecting me to get there at 10 am (and on time no less). Is he kidding himself? I can't get there that early. Of course he knows that. I think he gets really mad at me sometimes because I get there like 10-15 minutes late and I keep him waiting. So, then he tries to get back at me by making me sit at least 5 minutes in the waiting room. Doesn't he know that all the time he's waiting, I'm waiting too. I'm trying to get myself together enough to come see him.
Know what else he does? He constantly analyzes how I move while I'm sitting there. Much like the coffee example you cited. He will note how "jittery" I seem. He even said one day that I looked, "pinchy." What does that mean?! I didn't ask, I didn't want to know. I know it had something to do with me looking like I hadn't gotten enough sleep. He also said the reason I'm thin is because I'm overly-fidgety. He said it must burn off a lot of calories. Hmm...I wonder about that.
I think if I ran up and hugged him he would probably push me away or be very taken aback by it. Then we would have to have a huge discussion on it. He knows that my OCD limits what contact I have with people, but I think I would like to hug him. He looks clean.
Are you okay to drive on meds? If not, maybe you shouldn't take them until you get to the app. Perhaps, try to get to the app. early so they have time to kick in (only takes about 15 mins right?).
This dream we're talking about. Is this the same one where you dreamed something bad happened to him or is this a different one altogether? I'm sorry, I don't follow things very well do I! I think it's cause I don't get enough sleep and this medication makes me kinda tired. Do explain!
Elle
Posted by Karen_kay on January 13, 2004, at 15:58:07
In reply to My lovely nails » Karen_kay, posted by Elle2021 on January 13, 2004, at 5:23:43
My nails are prettier than yours are! Na na na na na na! I let the people doing my nails paint then. Usually I get the French tip, but I think I may go for a striking red this time. What do you think? I have to get gel on mine, with tips put on, as I chew my nails utill they bleed. Lovely, eh?
I'm never late for my appointments (except once, but it was 8 am! Come on!). I used to be late for classes, ect all the time. A habit I picked up from my mother. When I started college, I got in the habit of arriving 15 minutes early for every class and it seems to have stuck with me now. I hate the wait. And it is even worse when he is late. I feel like I'm being punished for something I did wrong in the last session. My Pdoc is always late. ALWAYS! At least 15 minutes late. I don't usually mind but my next appointment is scheduled around my classes and if he's running really late, I may miss a German class. I'll have to jsut walk out. Don't think I won't. I've done it several times in the past with my old Pdoc and MD. But, I have better self control now though. MAYBE :)
Why are you so jittery when you see him? Does he make you nervous? Maybe you should just fess up. Obviously it is apparent to him. If you are that nervous, he wouldn't be a good suit to do your therapy once a week. Unless your nervousness went down over time.
I think I'm a better driver on meds. I have a lead foot the way it is. :) They make me slow down a bit. I'm going to try it. I'm just afraid he'll notice I'm messed up and say something about it. "Are you abusing your meds. You used to have a pill problem, ect" I don't need accusations. That's why I'm very hesitant to take meds at all now. That's why I waited so long to get the anxiety meds.
Yup,, it is the same dream. I am afraid to tell him that I feel in a way that I need him. It's a healthy attachment. I don't need him to get through the day or anything like that. And I don't bombard him with phone calls. I'mjust afraid that if I tell him, he'll think that it is like that. Or it may turn into that. You know, with the whole "unstable relationship, bs.." BAH!
Posted by Elle2021 on January 13, 2004, at 18:27:20
In reply to Re: No, My lovely nails » Elle2021, posted by Karen_kay on January 13, 2004, at 15:58:07
Well if you read my post to Dinah, then you know that I had one really bad, terrible session. I was so curious to know what my pdoc was thinking, that I just came right out and asked. He said he thinks I'm mostly schizoid/schizotypal with borderline traits and OCD. I thought I was gonna start crying when he told me, but I held back my tears. I haven't cried in front of him and I don't want to start now. I wish I didn't know now. And the worst part is, I know he's probably right. I'm so serious when I say that I really wish I had never asked. I can fully understand why pdocs don't label clients, because it's upsetting. And to make matters worse, I set the app. up with the therapist, and my pdoc goes, "I doubt that your therapy will last long, you don't like to be pushed." Well, I don't know about that. I don't think he knows how bad I want to get past all this. I don't even think he takes me seriously. I have so much more to tell you, but I just haven't got the energy right now. I'm gonna go lay down for awhile, I need some sleep. Talk to you soon.
Elle
Posted by Dinah on January 13, 2004, at 19:24:28
In reply to Bad therapy session, posted by Elle2021 on January 13, 2004, at 18:27:20
You've repeated almost verbatim what my therapist said about me!!!!
No! Wait! It was verbatim!
Except the part about the therapy not lasting. Mine has lasted nearly nine years. And I'm a happy little therapy client and he says I'm nowhere near his most annoying client! And that he both likes me and cares deeply about me! (And I almost believe him.)
Don't lose hope my friend.
a) He might be completely wrong. (Even my therapist now admits he might be wrong about the schizotypal - I'm down to traits)
b) It's not the end of the world if he's not. I cried for days and it set my therapy back years. But you've got me! You can come right on over to my corner of the internet, we can get some ice cream, cream of wheat, or white chocolate banana whipped top pie. I've got all three, and I'm happy to share. I'll tell you all the wonderful things about being OCD, schizotypal, with borderline traits (and I've got two others that you don't have! gotcha beat!).
Posted by Elle2021 on January 14, 2004, at 5:07:51
In reply to Re: (((((ELLE))))) MY SISTER!!!!!!, posted by Dinah on January 13, 2004, at 19:24:28
Dinah-
I hope he is wrong. I always kinda suspected I fit that category, but since he never really said anything about it, I dismissed the idea. I guess it's the way he described it to me that really hurt and made me so scared. He was like well (in a very doctorly voice), theres something that we have, and some doctors think that it's a sort of a borderline type case of super-mild schizophrenia. Now, with me, schizophrenia is like a bad word. I can't hear that without getting panicky because I had myself so convinced I was schizophrenic and thats why I went and saw him in the first place. But he goes, I haven't fully decided yet, but thats what I'm thinking. So does that mean I can fool him? Like I can just go in there all normal and happy and make him think I'm fine. Not like that would help, I'd still be this way. I just don't like it that he thinks there's something wrong, even though there is. Honestly (and this could be denial, I'm not sure) I wonder whether he just doesn't have enough info to go one way or the other with any diagnosis. He even said to me today, that he learns something different everytime I visit. So, maybe there is something I haven't told him yet. Anyway, his comment about my app. with the therapist really hurt my feelings. "I don't think it will last long." Well (huff huff). I half-way want to prove him wrong just by going even if I really do turn out not to like it. Oh, I'm just feeling really sorry for myself right now. I'll be better in about a week (or at least somewhat recovered). I really do wish I had never found this out. I liked my ignorance much better. And by the way Dinah, of course I like you. And if being schizoid/schizotypal is like you, then I don't mind a bit, because I find you to be intelligent and very caring. Thanks for the support.
Elle
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