Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 298040

Shown: posts 1 to 23 of 23. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Asking your T if he ever fantasizes about you?

Posted by tinydancer on January 8, 2004, at 9:36:49

I'm probably a hopeless idiot, but I want to ask my T about this. Granted I'm in love with the guy and I suppose I am really just asking him if he has ever fantasized about me, but I can't figure out how to ask him this.
He promised me that I could ask him anything and that he wouldn't get mad, but I don't know if I have the guts to ask him this. Ideas? Suggestions?

 

Re: Asking your T if he ever fantasizes about you? » tinydancer

Posted by Dinah on January 8, 2004, at 9:50:07

In reply to Asking your T if he ever fantasizes about you?, posted by tinydancer on January 8, 2004, at 9:36:49

If I wanted to know, I'd just ask it straight out, rather casually. Or maybe with a "do therapists ever fantasize about their patients". Most therapists have the wit to understand that that question is not actually a general one. He likely won't answer you though. And may ask why you want to know, what you imagine/wish he fantasizes about you. Grist for the mill.

Personally, I wouldn't want to know. If he ever does think of me between sessions (which I doubt) I imagine the fantasies would involve boiling me in oil or more likely referring me to another therapist.

 

Re: Asking your T if he ever fantasizes about you?

Posted by Miss Honeychurch on January 8, 2004, at 10:35:12

In reply to Re: Asking your T if he ever fantasizes about you? » tinydancer, posted by Dinah on January 8, 2004, at 9:50:07

I of course would love to ask my therapist this question as well but I think I wouldn't like the answer. If he said he DIDN'T fantasize about me I would be disappointed and probably hurt (In my own mind I like to think that he looks forward to Thursdays because he'll see me. I'm sure this is far from reality however!). If he said he DID fantasize about me, I would freak out about boundaries and start to wonder about his professionalism and whether he has my best interests at heart.

Have you thought about how you would react to either scenario?

 

Re: Asking your T if he ever fantasizes about you? » tinydancer

Posted by Penny on January 8, 2004, at 11:26:20

In reply to Asking your T if he ever fantasizes about you?, posted by tinydancer on January 8, 2004, at 9:36:49

I guess it depends on what you hope to achieve by asking such a question. Unfortunately, I suspect that, as has already been pointed out, he would probably not give you a direct answer but would instead turn it around to get at the real reason for your question.

Truly, if you look at the fact that therapists are human, I'm sure that *some* of them do fantasize about their patients. At the same time, I also feel like those who do probably need to make sure boundaries are clearly defined. Fantasies are private thoughts that we may or may not choose to share with someone else, and I personally see no harm in them, as long as the ones that are potentially detrimental remain just fantasy! At the same time, they probably also provide insight into a bit of the subconscious. That said, I don't think a therapist who has fantasized about a patient should ever admit that to the patient, regardless of whether he/she was directly asked. To me that's too close to crossing some inappropriate boundaries. Just my thoughts.

P

 

Re: Asking your T if he ever fantasizes about you? » tinydancer

Posted by Karen_kay on January 8, 2004, at 12:48:23

In reply to Asking your T if he ever fantasizes about you?, posted by tinydancer on January 8, 2004, at 9:36:49

Ok, once I admitted to my therapist that I thought about him while I masturbated but that I felt guilty about it (because of my own sexual hang-ups). His reply was great but it started on a conversation about fantasies. During this conversation, I asked him a question (and I was hinting at your question but trying not to make it obvious), though he caught it and asked, "Do you mean do I think about you?" Being the quick recoverer I am I gasped and said, "Ummm, no of course not me, but do you think of other people in general?" Darn it. Wish I would have asked, but two heavy questions in one day is good enough for me. I'd say go for it. What's the worst he could possibly say, No? I mean, you could always say, "Good, because I don't think about you either!" And end that discussion right there!

But, the way I approached my topic is that I just blurted it out on accident of sorts. I was feeling guilty about thinking about him, though he is rather yummy. And it ended rather well, with him giving me permission to think about him, as well as anyone one else I choose. Though he did say that it was consensual (???huh??? kind of odd wording but I know he wants me JUST KIDDING!!!))). The conversation was a nice one to have, though the next day I felt like kicking myself. I think though, chances are he won't answer you, but I want you to ask because I want to know what he says!!!!

 

Re: Asking your T if he ever fantasizes about you?

Posted by Joslynn on January 8, 2004, at 14:04:28

In reply to Re: Asking your T if he ever fantasizes about you? » tinydancer, posted by Karen_kay on January 8, 2004, at 12:48:23

I don't think any professional therapist or pdoc would answer affirmatively, even if it were true--especially if it were true.

So, we can fantasize that they fantasize about us, but we will never know the truth!

I would be very vary if a professional said, "why yes, I do have sex fantasies about you."

 

unless...

Posted by Joslynn on January 8, 2004, at 14:05:22

In reply to Re: Asking your T if he ever fantasizes about you?, posted by Joslynn on January 8, 2004, at 14:04:28

my therapist was Daniel Day Lewis or Colin Firth.

 

Re: unless... lol! » Joslynn

Posted by Penny on January 8, 2004, at 14:28:33

In reply to unless..., posted by Joslynn on January 8, 2004, at 14:05:22

> my therapist was Daniel Day Lewis or Colin Firth.

Thanks for the chuckle!

I was thinking Matthew McConaughey or that young lil' hottie Orlando Bloom - though he's much too young! ha!

P

 

Re: ...T fantasizes about you?................lol

Posted by Kalamatianos on January 8, 2004, at 14:28:45

In reply to Re: Asking your T if he ever fantasizes about you? » tinydancer, posted by Dinah on January 8, 2004, at 9:50:07

That was a great image... I had to laugh WITH YOU at that picture... Your poor fragile therapist not being able to put up with you and resorting to boiling you in oil...

What a picture... My hope is that you actually get some empowerment out of it... You don't deserve boiling oil... You do deserve empowerment...

Thanks for the chuckles...

 

Can you do it?? » tinydancer

Posted by Karen_kay on January 8, 2004, at 15:04:07

In reply to Asking your T if he ever fantasizes about you?, posted by tinydancer on January 8, 2004, at 9:36:49

Can you ask your therapist for the rest of us who don't have the courage??? Do you have the courage??? I'm very curious now... Yahoo!!! I just got my copy of "In Session" Anyway.. If you don't end up asking him, then I'll ask my therapist just to see what his answer will be because I am curious to know how he'll answer. But he knows that I'm basically past that point so I don't think he'll give me a good enough answer. He'll just say I'm trying to avoid talking about the things I should be talking about. Let me know if you get the courage to ask. I'll ask mine on Wednesday! Good luck! (But, I don't know if I'll be able to say "Do you think about ME", maybe I can say, "Do you think about CLIENTS") I'm a chicken....I'd be afraid he'd say "Of course not, you ugly beast" :( I'd cry for sure then :(

 

Re: Can you do it??

Posted by EmmyS on January 8, 2004, at 16:36:59

In reply to Can you do it?? » tinydancer, posted by Karen_kay on January 8, 2004, at 15:04:07

Ok...I'm know this may be unpopular, but how the heck is our business who our T's fantasize about? Don't they give enough of themselves already to us?

I adore my T and would never ask something so invasive. His fantasies are his business, and I just hope he enjoys the heck out of them! Whether they are about me, or his wife, his dog, or Orlando Bloom....I just want him to be happy.

Emmy

 

I second that emotion! » Penny

Posted by Karen_kay on January 8, 2004, at 16:39:51

In reply to Re: unless... lol! » Joslynn, posted by Penny on January 8, 2004, at 14:28:33

I was thinking Matthew McConaughey

Whew doggies! That made my face turn red! I almost forgot about him. Or Mr. Kevin Spacey. Now come on ladies! We do want a manly-man! *chuckle*, only I'm not joking in the slightest but hands off when I bring him into town to show him off as my trophey bride!!! :)

 

Re: Can you do it??

Posted by Karen_kay on January 8, 2004, at 16:55:39

In reply to Re: Can you do it??, posted by EmmyS on January 8, 2004, at 16:36:59

**Ok, I have to agree that you are totally unpopular (JUST KIDDING, in case you don't know :)
But, I'm all about this experiment! First of all as often as my therapist doesn't return my phone calls and hurts my feelings I want to put him in the position to make him feel uncomfortable.

The timing for me to ask this question wouldn't be right and he knows it. If it were 3 months ago, then it would be perfect. But, it isn't my business who he thinks about. I'm just curious to see how he would answer the question. And I'm ALL about wasting time as well. He'll pick up on the fact that the timing is wrong (unless he is as dumb as I think) and possibly ask why I want to know. I could go into a long explanation about sexual problems I'm having which wouldn't be a lie and it would in fact lead to a good therapy session about issues I've been avoiding. So, either I'm planning my next therapy session too much (AGAIN), or it could be beneficial.
Either way, it could start a good discussion of some things that I really, honestly should talk about. And I could see how he would handle such a topic. I think it is just natural curiousity. Personally, I know my therapist wouldn't tell me if he fantasized about me. And I don't want to know the answer. I highly doubt he does think about me little more than when I'm sitting in the room with him, even then I doubt he's thinking much :) Sorry, sometimes I have to take those extra shots.....

The comment about the dog scared me... I have to go hug my doggie and tell him everything is ok now. He's quite lovely and I think if I HAD to chose a dog I would chose one that looked similar to him. He's quite handsome you know.... Rufff! He he he.....


> Ok...I'm know this may be unpopular, but how the heck is our business who our T's fantasize about? Don't they give enough of themselves already to us?
>
> I adore my T and would never ask something so invasive. His fantasies are his business, and I just hope he enjoys the heck out of them! Whether they are about me, or his wife, his dog, or Orlando Bloom....I just want him to be happy.
>
> Emmy

 

Re: Asking your T if he ever fantasizes about you?

Posted by Miss Honeychurch on January 8, 2004, at 21:24:24

In reply to Asking your T if he ever fantasizes about you?, posted by tinydancer on January 8, 2004, at 9:36:49

Somewhere in Deborah Lott's book it says something like 95% of male therapists are at one time or another sexually attracted to their patients. I may have ther percentage wrong, but it is a high percentage. It doesn't surprise me though, therapists are human after all.

I would therefore assume a little brief fantasizing might go hand in hand with this.

 

Re: Asking your T if he ever fantasizes about you?

Posted by ocdforyears on January 9, 2004, at 11:12:13

In reply to Asking your T if he ever fantasizes about you?, posted by tinydancer on January 8, 2004, at 9:36:49

What if he says yes, I do fantasize about you? That would not feel good to me at all (as a man seeing a woman therapist).

And I have this dark addition to the discussion here; excuse me if I've gone too far on what is a (kind of) light thread. The first therapist I really connected with had sex with a client after a session and I had to quit seeing him. The second, a man I saw for four and a half years, fell in love with my wife (who was also seeing him a a client).

After seven months of therapy with this man my wife left me. He encouraged me to date. I did date after about 10 months. A woman even more disturbed than my ex, if that's possible. I asked for, and got, a divorce from my wife who hadn't let me see her in more than a year. Soon after, my therapist, who I had trusted with my marriage and my life, out of the blue, asked me to start seeing another psychologist. A couple months later I found out my wife and he were dating. I believe they are married, as they co-wrote a psychological self help book. I have had no contact with either of them in years and am currently married to a woman who I know loves me.

Erotic transference is totally normal. But I think a therapist who crosses that line is a predator, plain and simple; sure he may feel attracted or whatever, but to act on that.... Or to encourage those feelings in the client, yikes.

Also, I echo what others have said that it's hard to get everything I need if I'm feeling in love with my therapist. Though I admit it's a journey some of us need to experience on our way to health. I read it as parental transference, an illusion, just like getting a crush on my doctor or dentist (something I have experienced)not because of who they are as people but because of what they represent in fantasy: an authority figure who finally loves me and can take care of me.

The guy who ended up with my wife used to let female clients (or at least my wife and her friend) hang out in his waiting room, even on days when they weren't scheduled to see him. Now that is narcissistic and bizarre. He was more disturbed than I was at the time, and I was very obsessional and depressed Luckily for me, the women therapists I've seen (and I've only seen women since the guy who took my wife) have been much older and there was no attraction on my part. A good looking younger woman would be hard. But it would still be up to her to set the boundary.

Well, that was pretty darned vulnerable of me. I just started posting to this board and I may have shared parts of this story already somewhere else, I don't remember. And this may not fit here. But dating and therapy aren't meant to mix I think. Therapists need to deal with attraction to clients away from the client, and never build personal romantic relationships with those they see. And any therapist who does do that (and god I wish the freak I saw were reading this) needs to go and get a life, outside of the profession.

 

Re: Asking your T if he ever fantasizes about you?

Posted by Joslynn on January 9, 2004, at 11:33:30

In reply to Re: Asking your T if he ever fantasizes about you?, posted by ocdforyears on January 9, 2004, at 11:12:13

Oh my gosh! That is some story. I don't think you revealed to much, it's very instructional for us I think.

And they wrote a self-help book together! <shudder> How ironic.

 

Re: Asking your T if he ever fantasizes about you? » ocdforyears

Posted by naiad on January 9, 2004, at 12:49:54

In reply to Re: Asking your T if he ever fantasizes about you?, posted by ocdforyears on January 9, 2004, at 11:12:13

ocd,
Thanks for your story. I have experienced erotic transference with my therapist, and thankfully he has remained completely professional. We still struggle with the issue but at least I feel safe that he has very strong boundaries. Safety is being established in our relationship which I trust will have benefits going forward. I am slowly seeing the benefits of experiencing transference but only because my T is so skilled. You and your ex-wife's experience, however, sounds nightmarish. I find it hard to believe that she and the predator therapist have a healthy relationship now. Reality can never live up to the transference fantasy, don't you think?

 

Re: unless... » Joslynn

Posted by Elle2021 on January 9, 2004, at 14:24:41

In reply to unless..., posted by Joslynn on January 8, 2004, at 14:05:22

> my therapist was Daniel Day Lewis or Colin Firth.

Oh, Colin Firth, he is so hot!
Elle

 

Re: Asking your T if he ever fantasizes about you? » tinydancer

Posted by Elle2021 on January 9, 2004, at 14:37:53

In reply to Asking your T if he ever fantasizes about you?, posted by tinydancer on January 8, 2004, at 9:36:49

I support the idea that you ask him right out. I wanna know what he says. I think I would be kinda freaked out if I asked my therapist that and he said, "why, yes I do." I would probably quit going. And Miss Honey's response shocked me. 95% of male therapist are at times sexually attracted to their female patients... Oh dear. Well, I really want you to ask him cause I'm suffering from a huge case of curiosity!!
Elle :)

 

Re: Asking your T if he ever fantasizes about you? » ocdforyears

Posted by Miss Honeychurch on January 9, 2004, at 14:38:44

In reply to Re: Asking your T if he ever fantasizes about you?, posted by ocdforyears on January 9, 2004, at 11:12:13

OCD, I really only thought stories like yours were practically fiction. The situation seems so outlandish. Makes me very appreciative of my strict boundary therapist. Thanks for sharing.

 

Re: Asking your T if he ever fantasizes about you? » ocdforyears

Posted by crushedout on January 9, 2004, at 16:31:38

In reply to Re: Asking your T if he ever fantasizes about you?, posted by ocdforyears on January 9, 2004, at 11:12:13


ocd,

I wish that your story made me grateful to have a decent therapist (although you would probably tell me to run screaming from her because she's has some boundary issues with me), but instead it makes me envious of your wife and I get this sickening hopeful feeling that maybe that can happen to me. It's like when I was a bulimic teenager and I would read books about anorexics to "study" them, to try to become one. I don't do that anymore at least.

crushedout

 

Re: Asking your T if he ever fantasizes about you?

Posted by psychlover on January 11, 2004, at 11:55:03

In reply to Re: Asking your T if he ever fantasizes about you? » ocdforyears, posted by crushedout on January 9, 2004, at 16:31:38

OCD,

Your story is extremely disturbing. Frankly, I am surprised that the therapist was not disbarred or had his license revoked or whatever. I do believe that that kind of behavior, crossing sexual boundaries with clients, is not only unethical but may even be illegal.

My own experiences with my therapist have been good in this area, and this is entirely because of her. She is 15-20 yrs older than me with a bunch of kids, but the most important factor that has kept our relationship from getting into a dangerous area are HER very strong boundaries. She has never given me any inkling whatsoever that she may be attracted to me, and her interest in me is clearly professional. I do believe she cares about my welfare, but she has very firm boundaries, and I give her a lot of credit for her professionalism.

Any therapist who has any thoughts of having any kind of relationship with their client outside of the office during their scheduled time is a menace to their clients and to the profession. Any therapist who would act out sexually with a client who is by definition vulnerable because of the nature of the relationship is an unethical opportunist who has no place in this field at all. We would be doing a service to everyone if we reported these people to the relevant organizations such as the American Psychological Association or the National Assoc. of Social Workers, etc.

 

Re: Asking your T if he ever fantasizes about you?

Posted by All Done on January 12, 2004, at 0:58:55

In reply to Asking your T if he ever fantasizes about you?, posted by tinydancer on January 8, 2004, at 9:36:49

This thread makes me think about a variation of this question that I've seen pop up several times on this board. Does my therapist ever think about me in between sessions?

I've thought about this before and always just told myself that he probably does not - until he mentioned a couple of times that he was thinking about something we had discussed in a previous session and he wanted to readdress the topic (only after I had brought it up again). At that point, I realized that this is his job and one I believe he is very dedicated to. I know I sometimes think about my job even when I'm not there and since their jobs are *us*, doesn't it only seem natural that they would think about us sometimes even when we aren't around? That being said, another part of their job is to make sure that they don't inappropriately act upon any thoughts they may have about us outside of the professional therapeutic relationship.

Just a thought...

All Done


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