Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 297437

Shown: posts 1 to 25 of 46. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Why my therapist is mad at me - this time

Posted by Dinah on January 6, 2004, at 22:42:39

I honestly still don't understand why he got as mad as he did. It's not like I did what I did on purpose or anything. I forgot to ask the EMDR therapist something and called this morning to ask before I signed the release. When she hadn't called back by the time to go to my session, I called back and just said, never mind, I'll sign the release. I figured since it was related to what my therapist was going to talk to her about anyway, I'd save her the bother of two calls by just having him incorporate it. It was no big thing, really, as far as I could see. Well, he thought I wasn't taking responsibility for my own life and insisted I call back and ask her myself. As it turns out, she can't answer it until she gets the info from him anyway. But even if that wasn't true, at the worst I made a misjudgement, that's all. I don't think getting angry was called for. I told him he seemed to get angry an awful lot with me. He said not all that often, but I think he's wrong. That's when I asked if I was annoying and he agreed that yes I was at times.

I dunno. He is mad at me an awful lot. my husband is mad at me an awful lot. My bosses are mad at me an awful lot too. I feel like just giving up. I try to be a good girl, and still everyone is mad at me. So what's the point. What if I'm just annoying, no matter how good I try to be. What's the use of trying to be with people. Even the person I pay to help me finds me annoying. I think Harry and I should run away. Harry almost never gets mad at me.

I feel stupid crying too hard to fall asleep because my therapist finds me annoying. And my husband finds me contemptible. And at the moment, I'm not too crazy about me either.

I'm trying to see the funny side of this. I'm even trying to get angry. But all I want to do is curl up and never have any interaction with anyone ever again. I think I'll cancel for Friday. I don't need another person in my life that finds me substandard. I've got my husband for that. And my parents and my employers as backups. I don't need to pay extra for it.

And now I hate myself for whining.

 

Re: Why my therapist is mad at me - this time

Posted by tabitha on January 6, 2004, at 22:57:12

In reply to Why my therapist is mad at me - this time, posted by Dinah on January 6, 2004, at 22:42:39

I wish I could say something to make it better. That sounds so harsh for him to say. I'm not seeing the therapeutic usefulness of it.

I'll offer a cyber hug ((((Dinah)))) and a scritch behind the ears for {{{Harry}}}

 

Re: Why my therapist is mad at me - this time » Dinah

Posted by DaisyM on January 6, 2004, at 23:28:55

In reply to Why my therapist is mad at me - this time, posted by Dinah on January 6, 2004, at 22:42:39

Oh Dinah...don't curl up and away from here. I need you. No joke.

I'm sure your Therapist was just having a bad day, which made little things big. He probably wanted you to defend yourself against the annoying comment. He shouldn't have said it and probably regrets it now.

Keep your appointment on Friday. You would tell me to TELL HIM HOW IT MADE YOU FEEL! So, right back at you. You might also look at this a little closer and see if he isn't feeling just the tiniest bit threatened by your EMDR...with a woman, no less. He'll deny it but is it possible that he might be anxious for you, which he has converted to anger/annoyance? Just a thought.

It isn't your fault. Don't hide away. Tomorrow is another day.

Remember, I said I would share...(you can take the friggin extra sessions!)

 

Re: Why my therapist is mad at me - this time » Dinah

Posted by shar on January 6, 2004, at 23:43:04

In reply to Why my therapist is mad at me - this time, posted by Dinah on January 6, 2004, at 22:42:39

Dinah,
Your post brought up a lot of thoughts as I read it, and none of them in the least had to do with you being substandard. It sounds like you feel life is awful right now, and you're beating yourself up real bad, so I'd like to say...just feel what you feel, and let go of the fisticuffs. If you want to cry, just cry...you don't need to try to see the funny side of it, you don't need to dislike yourself for the way you feel or make any excuses for how you feel, or run away, or anything. Just u b u.

A rose for Dinah --<--<--@ from Shar (you sort of have to look at it with a squint or from a distance).

 

Re: Why my therapist is mad at me - this time » Dinah

Posted by All Done on January 7, 2004, at 0:05:17

In reply to Why my therapist is mad at me - this time, posted by Dinah on January 6, 2004, at 22:42:39

Dinah,

I'm new here, but I've been reading posts for a couple of months and I've read a lot of yours. It's so hard for me to imagine anyone being angry with you because, from what I've read, you are always so thoughtful, caring, and insightful in what you write. I'm sorry you're feeling the way you feel right now and I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

Take care,
All Done

 

Re: Why my therapist is mad at me - this time

Posted by Sabina on January 7, 2004, at 1:20:12

In reply to Re: Why my therapist is mad at me - this time » Dinah, posted by DaisyM on January 6, 2004, at 23:28:55

i agree with daisy, wholeheartedly.

>>>Keep your appointment on Friday. You would tell me to TELL HIM HOW IT MADE YOU FEEL!

 

Re: Why my therapist is mad at me - this time » Dinah

Posted by Elle2021 on January 7, 2004, at 2:51:19

In reply to Why my therapist is mad at me - this time, posted by Dinah on January 6, 2004, at 22:42:39

>That's when I asked if I was annoying and he agreed that yes I was at times.

Alright, first of all I do not think you are in the least bit annoying. I find you to be helpful and caring. If my therapist told me that, I would find a new one. That is just plain rude.

> I think Harry and I should run away. Harry almost never gets mad at me.

Your blessed that Harry doesn't get mad at you! I love to hold and kiss my cat, but he isn't overly fond of that, so I wind up with cat scratches.

> I feel stupid cryingfor it.
>
> And now I hate myself for whining.

Don't feel stupid or hate yourself. You are a wonderful person.
Elle

 

Re: Why my therapist is mad at me - this time » Dinah

Posted by fallsfall on January 7, 2004, at 6:58:20

In reply to Why my therapist is mad at me - this time, posted by Dinah on January 6, 2004, at 22:42:39

(((((Dinah)))))

I'll sit next to you when you are curled up and I'll rub your back and straighten your hair so it isn't in your face. I'll hand you the Kleenex, and take away the dirty ones. I'll tell you I love you. Do you want some ice cream? I'd go buy your favorite kind, but I don't want to leave your side, so I'll call a friend and have them deliver it. I'll bring some treats for Harry, and change his diaper right next to you so he doesn't have to leave your side.

Can I give you hugs, too?

When you are done crying, and have had a chance to have a forgetting sleep then I'll bring you a beautiful new plant and we'll go plant it in your backyard and you'll know that it is the new beginning and you and it will grow nice and strong. And all your doggies will run around the backyard and play and run over to kiss you.

Then we can sit down and talk about it.

OK?
I'm here.

 

Re: Why my therapist is mad at me - this time » Dinah

Posted by mair on January 7, 2004, at 8:00:19

In reply to Why my therapist is mad at me - this time, posted by Dinah on January 6, 2004, at 22:42:39

Dinah - sorry I didn't pick up on this thread sooner. It does sound like your therapist overreacted but hasn't he been trying to get you to see that being annoyed with someone is ok - it doesn't mean a loss of affection?

I can identify what you're feeling. I sometimes feel that I disappoint people horribly and it does make me want to disappear - anything not to bear the weight of that disappointment. My guess with you, however, is that your view of what others are feeling about you is a distortion. And I think Shar is right - take off the fisticuffs. If you view yourself more kindly, you may open yourself up to seeing the many ways in which people value you.

What have you decided to do about Friday?

Mair

 

Re: Why my therapist is mad at me - this time » Dinah

Posted by Penny on January 7, 2004, at 8:15:24

In reply to Why my therapist is mad at me - this time, posted by Dinah on January 6, 2004, at 22:42:39

Oh Dinah - I'm sorry you're feeling so low. It probably won't help, but I'm not mad at you! In fact, you're one of my favorite people!

Can you try (and I KNOW this is hard) to not let others' negative actions/feelings toward you influence YOUR feelings toward yourself?

Say "To h**l with them. Let them get mad at me. It's not a reflection of ME, it's a reflection of THEM, and I am NOT responsible for their feelings."

That would be the key, I think - you are NOT responsible for THEIR feelings.

I know how you feel - really, I do. I am so afraid of people getting mad at me that I avoid confrontation at all costs. And that's unhealthy. And, yes, sometimes people get mad at me anyway. My boss is one of them. I don't have a husband, but I'm sure my husband would as well.

I think you should tell your therapist in your next session that even if HE doesn't think he gets angry with you a lot, YOU feel like he does, and how you feel is what matters in this situation!

Summon the anger. But don't direct it at yourself!

Let us know how you are doing today.

P

 

((((Dinah))) (nm)

Posted by Miss Honeychurch on January 7, 2004, at 8:23:00

In reply to Re: Why my therapist is mad at me - this time » Dinah, posted by Penny on January 7, 2004, at 8:15:24

 

Re: Why my therapist is mad at me - this time » Dinah

Posted by Eddie Sylvano on January 7, 2004, at 8:33:55

In reply to Why my therapist is mad at me - this time, posted by Dinah on January 6, 2004, at 22:42:39

> I dunno. He is mad at me an awful lot. my husband is mad at me an awful lot. My bosses are mad at me an awful lot too. I feel like just giving up. I try to be a good girl, and still everyone is mad at me.
------------

Is there any pattern to all this? More importantly, can you often anticipate when these people will be upset with you? Has it been this way all your life?

 

Re: Why my therapist is mad at me - this time » Eddie Sylvano

Posted by Dinah on January 7, 2004, at 9:03:46

In reply to Re: Why my therapist is mad at me - this time » Dinah, posted by Eddie Sylvano on January 7, 2004, at 8:33:55

No, it hasn't been this way all my life. I was the golden girl, the wunderkind. Not pretty or anything, but smart and productive. Teachers loved me, bosses begged me never to leave.

I know why my bosses are angry with me, and they aren't wrong.

My husband is critical of everyone including my delightful son, so I tend to discount him other than to want to hurt myself.

But my therapist *knows* all of me. If he thinks I'm annoying that means more than the rest. If he's angry with me a lot, I must be anger producing. That's an indictment of who I am to my toes.

 

Re: Why my therapist is mad at me - this time » Dinah

Posted by Poet on January 7, 2004, at 9:05:49

In reply to Why my therapist is mad at me - this time, posted by Dinah on January 6, 2004, at 22:42:39

Dinah,

Chocolate for you, and treats for Harry.

I think your therapist needs to see someone regarding his misdirected anger. Maybe he's really angry at himself for not being the "perfect" therapist because you're going to try EMDR which he doesn't do?

You're not whining, you're just trying to figure out what you did wrong, which from what I can tell is nothing.

Poet

 

Thanks everyone. I'm trying to decide what to do.

Posted by Dinah on January 7, 2004, at 9:13:46

In reply to ((((Dinah))) (nm), posted by Miss Honeychurch on January 7, 2004, at 8:23:00

I know I'm not thinking with the most rational, grown up part of me. I spent all the early morning awake and planning. Planning to leave. Pick up Harry and his meds, and leave. Planning out the details of what I need to do before I go.

But now I'm awake I'll give it some time to let rationality take over. I might even call my therapist to find out if I'm annoying in comparison with others. Maybe he just finds everyone annoying.

I'm trying guys. I'm trying to give the grownup part of me time to take over. But the little girl inner child in me *hurts*. And can drive and has a charge card and wants to run away.

(PS. Looks like this EMDR therapist will be giving me a pass).

 

Re: Why my therapist is mad at me - this time » Dinah

Posted by Penny on January 7, 2004, at 9:33:44

In reply to Re: Why my therapist is mad at me - this time » Eddie Sylvano, posted by Dinah on January 7, 2004, at 9:03:46

> No, it hasn't been this way all my life. I was the golden girl, the wunderkind. Not pretty or anything, but smart and productive. Teachers loved me, bosses begged me never to leave.

- I can certainly see this in you.


> I know why my bosses are angry with me, and they aren't wrong.

- Perhaps not, but, truly, try to tell yourself that they aren't angry with YOU as a person, they are angry with something to do with your work. I'm doing the same thing - I know my boss is angry with me, but I HAVE to detach from it and tell myself (convincingly!) that his anger is not a reflection of the things in life that really matter. Not that work doesn't matter - but even if you aren't getting your work done satisfactorily, that doesn't make you a bad person, Dinah. You are a wonderful human being. You are just having some trouble right now.


> My husband is critical of everyone including my delightful son, so I tend to discount him other than to want to hurt myself.

- That's good that you can discount him - see that just because he's being critical doesn't mean he has reason to be!


> But my therapist *knows* all of me. If he thinks I'm annoying that means more than the rest. If he's angry with me a lot, I must be anger producing. That's an indictment of who I am to my toes.

- BUT - your therapist is HUMAN. Which means that just because he KNOWS you doesn't mean that his feelings toward or about you aren't off base, at least some of the time! I really tend to think that your T is so close to the situation - has been seeing you for so long - that he's not as objective as perhaps he should be. I wonder if (and think that) his anger toward you isn't really more of a reflection of his inability to make you into someone you're not. Does he feel like a failure? Like if you make a mistake, or what he might see as a mistake (whether or not it really is a 'mistake') after being his client for so long, that it speaks to his ability as a therapist?

You say "If he thinks I'm annoying that means more than the rest." I know the tendency is to weigh his words/feelings more heavily b/c he IS your therapist - but he's NOT perfect, and his words/feelings aren't ALWAYS going to be accurate - even if he knows you well, better than most, doesn't mean his view of you is necessarily 100 percent accurate!

"If he's angry with me a lot, I must be anger producing." Or perhaps he's just an angry person. Personally, and I truly do believe this, people who are angry a lot, regardless of who the anger is directed toward, are mostly angry with themselves for something. You are not in that therapy room with his other patients. I know that you sometimes tell yourself that he's more frustrated with you than with his other patients, that he dislikes you more, etc., but perhaps this is just how he is? I really think that you would have an entirely different perspective from a different therapist. And biofeedback guy doesn't count. I think if you had been in therapy for all these years with a different therapist, that T might have an entirely different take on you.

I'm so afraid of people being angry with me that I freak out and shut down when they are. Just like when my former T was angry with me for finding out her address, and I became suicidal. My current T, who doesn't seem to get angry at me, bless her, said that that is the type of situation where DBT training could help. After my boss confronted me recently for not getting my work done, I went home and was a mess, and wanted to hurt myself, and sat on the phone with my pdoc for 30 minutes. And he helped me put that in perspective. And both he and my T have helped me to understand (and I am STILL struggling with this) that when someone is angry with me, it is not the end of the world. People are entitled to feel however they are going to feel, but we can't let ourselves be overly affected by the feelings of others. I know, easier said than done.

Dinah, YOU are a wonderful person, a caring, thoughtful, compassionate, loving, kind, sincere, honest, intelligent individual who obviously, judging from the other posts on this thread, has lots of friends and people pulling for you. I wish I could do more to help you through all of this. It sucks, really. Listen to your friends - we know you too! Try to let the anger of your therapist, your husband, your bosses, etc., roll off you and absorb the love and compassion that you deserve.

Take care.
P

 

Re: One step, one breath, at a time. (nm) » Dinah

Posted by Penny on January 7, 2004, at 9:35:17

In reply to Thanks everyone. I'm trying to decide what to do., posted by Dinah on January 7, 2004, at 9:13:46

 

Re: Thanks everyone. I'm trying to decide what to do. » Dinah

Posted by shar on January 7, 2004, at 9:51:53

In reply to Thanks everyone. I'm trying to decide what to do., posted by Dinah on January 7, 2004, at 9:13:46

Dinah,
Everybody is annoying. It seems if you were excessively annoying your T would have made your annoyingness a specific issue that needed to be worked on. If he said you are annoying at times, that's probably what he meant. I've had my T indicate the same to me.

But, let me point out that there is a difference between *doing something* that annoys someone and "being" annoying. It's common for many of us to define ourselves by what we do or what we have (I'm unipolar depressive or I'm BPII) and I'm not sure it's a good thing. Because we are much more than UD or BPII or...annoying.

I hope you are feeling better today, and I'm sorry your emdr person may give you a pass (if you wanted to go, that is).

Shar

 

Re: Thanks everyone. I'm trying to decide what to do. » Dinah

Posted by judy1 on January 7, 2004, at 10:05:26

In reply to Thanks everyone. I'm trying to decide what to do., posted by Dinah on January 7, 2004, at 9:13:46

I'm sorry you're in this pattern Dinah, I know it well. We start thinking there's something wrong with us, everybody is angry, what's the point? sometimes I think it's OCD, the obsessing and pushing so that even if the person is not angry at first, we can make them feel that way. sometimes other people have reasons to be angry (that have nothing to do with us) but we being the over-sensitive beings that we are, internalize it and make it all about us. you are a warm, caring person and that did not change overnight- your thinking patterns can change overnight, but the essential 'you' cannot. I'm glad you are feeling more rational today, why not think of reasons why these people in your life (boss, spouse, therp) may have reasons to be upset that have nothing to do with you- i.e.- cut yourself some slack.
take care, judy

 

Re: Why my therapist is mad at me - this time » Dinah

Posted by Karen_kay on January 7, 2004, at 11:28:49

In reply to Why my therapist is mad at me - this time, posted by Dinah on January 6, 2004, at 22:42:39

Dinah,

This sounds to me like a simple case of miscommunication. That is all. Your therapist should have handled it better. I'm sorry he didn't. We all make mistakes at times. And it sounds like your therapist didn't handle himself well in this situation. There was a lack of communication and your therapist blew it out of proportion. That's a shame.

The fact that he said you are annoying at times is sad. But I'm proud of you for having the courage to ask him. I'd never be able to ask my therapist that. I'm afraid that he would in fact say "Yes Karen, you are very annoying." I'm sorry that he said that to you.
But remember he is human. Is it possible he said it out of anger. He was upset with you at the time and that anger could have been clouding his judgement. I'm sure he couldn't find you overly annoying, he has after all been your therapist for quite a while. If he found you too be very annoying, do you think that he would continue to be your therapist for so long?

You've had a rough couple of days. And that also clouds your judgement. When someone upsets you, you start to see the negative in everything about yourself. Your husband loves you for the wonderful person you are. And your son loves his beautiful mother, and needs her to be there for him. You don't want to run away. You want to say there and heal. Not only for yourself, but also for your wonderful family and lovely dogs. Hang in there girl. We love you on the boards and I can tell you from my personal experience I have NEVER EVER once found you to be the slightest bit annoying!!! I promise!!!


 

Re: Why my therapist is mad at me - this time

Posted by pegasus on January 7, 2004, at 13:32:17

In reply to Why my therapist is mad at me - this time, posted by Dinah on January 6, 2004, at 22:42:39

I agree so much with what everyone else is saying. Dinah, you are wonderfully helpful and kind, from what I've seen here. And anyway everyone has their annoying moments. And your T was probably speaking (slightly inappropriately) out of frustration about something that he was misunderstanding anyway. My therapist has mentioned being annoyed at me (although always in a specific context - e.g., "I was annoyed when you did that."). It sucks, even though I don't think I generally am an annoying person. And, hell, he annoys me all the time. And it's ok. Annoying people and being annoyed by them is part of life, and a good relationship can contain those moments, as well as the times when you just connect like legos.

Which is not to trivialize how much it sucks when someone really important to you is annoyed or angry. Especially when he tells you about it. For me, that's the biggest SI trigger, and it sounds like you're having trouble in that arena as well. Please try to keep yourself safe, maybe by reading all of these posts about how much everyone here disagrees with your therapist. I love the idea of you telling him that it was really hard to hear him say that you were annoying. Maybe this will lead to some productive therapy, or relationship building anyway. I hope. I'll be thinking about you today.

-p

 

I echo the others, you're very kind and caring (nm)

Posted by gardenergirl on January 7, 2004, at 15:09:08

In reply to Re: Why my therapist is mad at me - this time, posted by pegasus on January 7, 2004, at 13:32:17

 

Re: Why my therapist is mad at me Dinah

Posted by antigua on January 7, 2004, at 16:06:41

In reply to Why my therapist is mad at me - this time, posted by Dinah on January 6, 2004, at 22:42:39

Dinah, please listen to all these supportive messages. Many, many people care about you and please know how helpful you have been to everyone on this board. You are very much appreciated.
antigua

 

Re: Why my therapist is mad at me

Posted by Dinah on January 7, 2004, at 16:36:39

In reply to Re: Why my therapist is mad at me Dinah, posted by antigua on January 7, 2004, at 16:06:41

Thanks again everyone. I'm feeling a bit more my grownup self. I took some Klonopin, slept a lot, and even went in to work for a bit, as my presence there is going to be required at least a little bit every day for the next few months. I unpacked what I had packed. I suppose I can always decide to run away later.

I called my therapist. He said I take things too seriously. Sometimes he seems to realize how really important he is to me, but times like this he seems to totally miss it. He said I wasn't anywhere near his most annoying client. And that I wasn't annoying all the time, just some of the time. And that everything would be ok. But it sounded awfully hollow today. Perhaps because I was being annoying by asking? Sigh. (wry smile)

I have this odd desire to cancel Friday, or to go in and say nothing, so that I won't chance being annoying. But I suppose that *would* be annoying. It's a no win situation.

I know that he's trying to teach me that he can be angry and still care about me. But somehow "annoying" is different. And he didn't say my behavior was annoying sometimes, but that I was. And I suppose I am. I'm a dependent little creature with him, and I suspect he doesn't like pathetic dependent creatures.

Oh well. I didn't cut. I didn't run away, though I'm reserving the option.

And if he wants me to take responsibility for my EMDR therapy, he should be pleased with me (but won't be). Since the person he recommended all but told me she didn't feel qualified to work with me, I called two level II certified EMDR therapists and have already made an appointment with one. I told her pretty much what he wanted me to tell her, although in a way I felt comfortable expressing it. So he won't need to talk to her at all unless something comes up during therapy that she feels he needs to know. So there. I took complete responsibility.

Anyway, thanks everyone for your support when I was feeling so scared and lost. I'm doing ok now - still fragile but better than before. At least until the wee early hours of the morning when the monsters come out to play.

((((Babblers))))

P.S. He did say something interesting Tuesday that I intend to ask about Friday, although chances are he won't elaborate. I was afraid something I was doing with the EMDR therapist would cause her to shy away from taking me as a client. He said there *were* red flags in preliminary calls, but that wasn't one of them. But now I want to know what he thinks they are so that I don't make those mistakes in calling mental health professionals.

 

So, it turned out to be an AFGO!

Posted by DaisyM on January 7, 2004, at 17:28:15

In reply to Re: Why my therapist is mad at me, posted by Dinah on January 7, 2004, at 16:36:39

You know...another F** Growth Opportunity!!

Seriously, good for you for taking this opportunity to take charge and get something done. I think you heard "hollow" because you had to ask...I'm sure he meant what he said.

Don't go in on Friday and not talk. Tell him what you have accomplished by this surprise catalyst. And ask about those red flags. I bet we all could learn from that.

Now, take a breath and relax. You deserve to. Have you noticed how many seats are now occupied on the babble therapy roller-coaster? I think I want off!


Go forward in thread:


Show another thread

URL of post in thread:


Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ


[dr. bob] Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD, bob@dr-bob.org

Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.