Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 296597

Shown: posts 1 to 25 of 26. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

T is relieved -- should I be, too?

Posted by crushedout on January 5, 2004, at 4:08:37

So, I still haven't seen my T since our last visit, when she apologized for hurting me. (See above thread: "OK, what do you all think of this???")

But, because I'm a silly girl, I emailed her on Friday and said, "I know we can't be lovers, but can we please do this?" and I attached a sickeningly cute picture of two kittens cuddling (spooning, to be exact).

She replied that it cracked her up (of which I'm glad -- I was hoping to make her laugh with it), but also that she was cracking up partly from relief and that now she was sure we could work through this. I'm confused. What's her logic? Why would that make her feel relieved, do you think?

I guess I'll ask her when I see her on Tuesday, but I'm wondering if you guys have any guesses because it perplexes me. I was only half-joking of course. I would love to cuddle with her.

 

running over time

Posted by crushedout on January 5, 2004, at 6:57:17

In reply to T is relieved -- should I be, too?, posted by crushedout on January 5, 2004, at 4:08:37


Also, do you think it's weird that last time, for the first time ever in our 100 or so hours together, she let us run over 15 minutes? We were processing the whole CD thing and she was worried about me, I guess. But I thought it was interesting that she dealt with a boundary crossing by crossing another boundary. She even apologized for "making" us run over (as if I minded!).

It's going to be hard for me not to use this as an opportunity to manipulate her and see if I can get even more special treatment.

 

Re: T is relieved -- should I be, too? » crushedout

Posted by lookdownfish on January 5, 2004, at 11:04:57

In reply to T is relieved -- should I be, too?, posted by crushedout on January 5, 2004, at 4:08:37

I share your confusion. Maybe she is relieved that you are not mad at her? I haven't been reading posts for a couple of weeks, so I've been trying to catch up. Sounds like a dangerous situation to me.

 

Re: T is relieved -- should I be, too?

Posted by henrietta on January 5, 2004, at 11:42:05

In reply to T is relieved -- should I be, too?, posted by crushedout on January 5, 2004, at 4:08:37

Maybe she's relieved because you've injected a bit of humor into the situation, relieving some of the tension. And because you're indicating a willingness to face the issue and deal with it with her openly. I think you should be relieved, too! Especially since she says she now feels you can work through this.

 

Re: T is relieved -- should I be, too?

Posted by naiad on January 5, 2004, at 13:54:35

In reply to T is relieved -- should I be, too?, posted by crushedout on January 5, 2004, at 4:08:37

I think she's relieved because you told her "I know we can't be lovers..." She hears you making a statement that sounds pretty final and that relieves her from having to convince you that a romance is not a good idea.
BTW -- several posts ago I said that it was impossible for you & your T to be lovers. You questioned my use of the word impossible. What I meant was that it is impossible that becoming lovers will have a good outcome. Of course, I don't know this to be true, but from what I have read here and in the book "In Session" it seems highly unlikely. Anyway, that is water over the dam since it sounds like you are thinking clearly about the situation now. Good for you. You really have processed some difficult stuff.

 

Re: running over time » crushedout

Posted by Kalamatianos on January 5, 2004, at 14:46:08

In reply to running over time, posted by crushedout on January 5, 2004, at 6:57:17

<<<...use this as an opportunity to manipulate her and see if I can get even more special treatment...

>>>A disciplined response DOES make things better. How would getting special treatment make things better?

>>>Manipulation is not the BAD WORD. Types of manipulation called control and controlling are BAD WORDS. Management is manipulation for the common good and is a GOOD WORD. Control is manipulation for me! me! me! So how would controlling your T be better?

RSVP; I do want to know.

 

Re: T is relieved -- should I be, too? » naiad

Posted by crushedout on January 5, 2004, at 15:49:52

In reply to Re: T is relieved -- should I be, too?, posted by naiad on January 5, 2004, at 13:54:35


yeah, i think that makes sense. although to be honest, i don't really think i was being completely honest. i still hope we can be lovers on some level. but rationally, i know it highly unlikely i will get my wish. and i also know rationally (from reading in session among other things) that it wouldn't be a good outcome for me. sigh.


> I think she's relieved because you told her "I know we can't be lovers..." She hears you making a statement that sounds pretty final and that relieves her from having to convince you that a romance is not a good idea.
> BTW -- several posts ago I said that it was impossible for you & your T to be lovers. You questioned my use of the word impossible. What I meant was that it is impossible that becoming lovers will have a good outcome. Of course, I don't know this to be true, but from what I have read here and in the book "In Session" it seems highly unlikely. Anyway, that is water over the dam since it sounds like you are thinking clearly about the situation now. Good for you. You really have processed some difficult stuff.

 

Re: running over time » Kalamatianos

Posted by crushedout on January 5, 2004, at 16:17:32

In reply to Re: running over time » crushedout, posted by Kalamatianos on January 5, 2004, at 14:46:08


did i say getting special treatment would make things better? i don't think so. nor did i say controlling her would.

all i know is i want to get away with something. i wanna be special. and i wanna be naked with her. i never said it was a good idea.

> <<<...use this as an opportunity to manipulate her and see if I can get even more special treatment...
>
> >>>A disciplined response DOES make things better. How would getting special treatment make things better?
>
> >>>Manipulation is not the BAD WORD. Types of manipulation called control and controlling are BAD WORDS. Management is manipulation for the common good and is a GOOD WORD. Control is manipulation for me! me! me! So how would controlling your T be better?
>
> RSVP; I do want to know.

 

Re: Re: running over time --- Oooh! Pardon me!

Posted by Kalamatianos on January 5, 2004, at 17:50:39

In reply to Re: running over time » Kalamatianos, posted by crushedout on January 5, 2004, at 16:17:32

I was keying on the word "special" in <<<...special treatment from her.

All my friends are looking for things to be better when they are looking for special treatment. Alas, what dooooooo my friends know, anyway?

Pardon me. I must have been mistaken.

 

Re: T is relieved -- should I be, too?

Posted by Rigby on January 6, 2004, at 20:20:39

In reply to T is relieved -- should I be, too?, posted by crushedout on January 5, 2004, at 4:08:37

Crushed,

I think she's onto yah. ;)

I think you will probably have to let go of trying to find hidden meanings and wishing and hoping and praying she's gonna break and sleep with you. Especially now that it's in the open I'm guessing she's realized her mistake and wants to focus on the work that lays ahead. And my guess is she's relieved about that. She wants to help you. In order for a therapist to be effective they have to be able to walk inside your head. But they also need to keep one foot outisde to be effective too. It sounds like she erred a bit in the direction of being into your head and has corrected herself. Mine did this too. You may keep trying (I did) but chances are if she's good she'll make certain to draw clear boundaries. Again, I may be projecting my experience onto yours but if I had to guess, if she's good, she'll be firmer in the future.

This process has been very intense for you. If you can use what's just happened to you in therapy to examine your life outside the room that'll be awesome. If you don't, if we all don't, then heck all we're doing is helping our therapists put braces on their kids' teeth.

> So, I still haven't seen my T since our last visit, when she apologized for hurting me. (See above thread: "OK, what do you all think of this???")
>
> But, because I'm a silly girl, I emailed her on Friday and said, "I know we can't be lovers, but can we please do this?" and I attached a sickeningly cute picture of two kittens cuddling (spooning, to be exact).
>
> She replied that it cracked her up (of which I'm glad -- I was hoping to make her laugh with it), but also that she was cracking up partly from relief and that now she was sure we could work through this. I'm confused. What's her logic? Why would that make her feel relieved, do you think?
>
> I guess I'll ask her when I see her on Tuesday, but I'm wondering if you guys have any guesses because it perplexes me. I was only half-joking of course. I would love to cuddle with her.

 

Re: T is relieved -- should I be, too? » Rigby

Posted by crushedout on January 6, 2004, at 21:11:25

In reply to Re: T is relieved -- should I be, too?, posted by Rigby on January 6, 2004, at 20:20:39

oh rigby that makes me so depressed but you're probably right. except, hidden meanings? i mean, she *told* me she was confused, enjoyed my crush on her. do you enjoy someone's crush when it's not reciprocated at least somewhat? i don't.

ok, but that doesn't mean she'll actually break down and sleep with me.

i don't know what to think. i guess i need her to tell me straight up. but she told me that us being lovers "could never happen" and yet i still don't believe it. i refuse to believe it.
i guess i'd need her to be really kinda cruel, and tell me she simply isn't attracted to me, or that she's desperately in love with her husband. but see, i'm afraid that even from a realistic perspective, those two statements are unlikely to be true.

p.s. *what* life outside of therapy? (sadly, i'm only half-joking.)


> Crushed,
>
> I think she's onto yah. ;)
>
> I think you will probably have to let go of trying to find hidden meanings and wishing and hoping and praying she's gonna break and sleep with you. Especially now that it's in the open I'm guessing she's realized her mistake and wants to focus on the work that lays ahead. And my guess is she's relieved about that. She wants to help you. In order for a therapist to be effective they have to be able to walk inside your head. But they also need to keep one foot outisde to be effective too. It sounds like she erred a bit in the direction of being into your head and has corrected herself. Mine did this too. You may keep trying (I did) but chances are if she's good she'll make certain to draw clear boundaries. Again, I may be projecting my experience onto yours but if I had to guess, if she's good, she'll be firmer in the future.
>
> This process has been very intense for you. If you can use what's just happened to you in therapy to examine your life outside the room that'll be awesome. If you don't, if we all don't, then heck all we're doing is helping our therapists put braces on their kids' teeth.
>
> > So, I still haven't seen my T since our last visit, when she apologized for hurting me. (See above thread: "OK, what do you all think of this???")
> >
> > But, because I'm a silly girl, I emailed her on Friday and said, "I know we can't be lovers, but can we please do this?" and I attached a sickeningly cute picture of two kittens cuddling (spooning, to be exact).
> >
> > She replied that it cracked her up (of which I'm glad -- I was hoping to make her laugh with it), but also that she was cracking up partly from relief and that now she was sure we could work through this. I'm confused. What's her logic? Why would that make her feel relieved, do you think?
> >
> > I guess I'll ask her when I see her on Tuesday, but I'm wondering if you guys have any guesses because it perplexes me. I was only half-joking of course. I would love to cuddle with her.
>
>

 

Re: T is relieved -- should I be, too?

Posted by Rigby on January 7, 2004, at 10:25:36

In reply to Re: T is relieved -- should I be, too? » Rigby, posted by crushedout on January 6, 2004, at 21:11:25

It's really, really tough but the goal here is for you to stop focusing on her and get the focus back on you. One of the main things about crushes as you probably know, is that they are Huge Distractions from thinking about and feeling other stuff; in many ways they're like drugs. I say this only b/c I've been there. Parsing her words, etc.--waste of time. She's a smart woman who probably enjoys her profession; she's not gonna risk it and she's not gonna throw her profession and marriage away. Probably in her mind she got a bit off track, was flattered and she's moving on. I don't know, no one does, but it's best to look at it this way if you can. The fact that she's relieved means that she doesn't want this tension--she wants to do her job. You can push boundaries if that's what feels good--but try and figure out why you're doing it. Try and see how you've done it in the past and why. Use the process to figure yourself out.
> oh rigby that makes me so depressed but you're probably right. except, hidden meanings? i mean, she *told* me she was confused, enjoyed my crush on her. do you enjoy someone's crush when it's not reciprocated at least somewhat? i don't.

It's tough but I think you need to deal with the fact that she's not going to. The more you try and get people to tell you they think she's obsessed or whatever with *you* the more you're just fueling your fantasies. I say this because I did this for a while but in the end a decent therapist--and it sounds like she's above-board, isn't gonna do this. Not gonna happen. Once I think you let it go you'll move on.
> ok, but that doesn't mean she'll actually break down and sleep with me.

Again, try and take the focus off her. If she's good you won't get any more information. She will not tell you about how she feels towards her husband and she won't tell you about how she feels towards you. She will want to hear all about how you feel. You do need to keep in mind that you are obsessed with someone you don't know--you may know a few things but chances are, you don't know much. Think about how well you know friends--you know jack about this woman compared to that. And it'll remain so. And then think about how you can't live without her. The two don't fit. It's something way beyond who she is. You've given her all these attributes but you don't know her. Try and just look at that. She should also be encouraging you to examine that. It's a very deep transference you're working through and it's very, very much not about this woman.
> i don't know what to think. i guess i need her to tell me straight up. but she told me that us being lovers "could never happen" and yet i still don't believe it. i refuse to believe it.
> i guess i'd need her to be really kinda cruel, and tell me she simply isn't attracted to me, or that she's desperately in love with her husband. but see, i'm afraid that even from a realistic perspective, those two statements are unlikely to be true.
>
> p.s. *what* life outside of therapy? (sadly, i'm only half-joking.)
>
>
> > Crushed,
> >
> > I think she's onto yah. ;)
> >
> > I think you will probably have to let go of trying to find hidden meanings and wishing and hoping and praying she's gonna break and sleep with you. Especially now that it's in the open I'm guessing she's realized her mistake and wants to focus on the work that lays ahead. And my guess is she's relieved about that. She wants to help you. In order for a therapist to be effective they have to be able to walk inside your head. But they also need to keep one foot outisde to be effective too. It sounds like she erred a bit in the direction of being into your head and has corrected herself. Mine did this too. You may keep trying (I did) but chances are if she's good she'll make certain to draw clear boundaries. Again, I may be projecting my experience onto yours but if I had to guess, if she's good, she'll be firmer in the future.
> >
> > This process has been very intense for you. If you can use what's just happened to you in therapy to examine your life outside the room that'll be awesome. If you don't, if we all don't, then heck all we're doing is helping our therapists put braces on their kids' teeth.
> >
> > > So, I still haven't seen my T since our last visit, when she apologized for hurting me. (See above thread: "OK, what do you all think of this???")
> > >
> > > But, because I'm a silly girl, I emailed her on Friday and said, "I know we can't be lovers, but can we please do this?" and I attached a sickeningly cute picture of two kittens cuddling (spooning, to be exact).
> > >
> > > She replied that it cracked her up (of which I'm glad -- I was hoping to make her laugh with it), but also that she was cracking up partly from relief and that now she was sure we could work through this. I'm confused. What's her logic? Why would that make her feel relieved, do you think?
> > >
> > > I guess I'll ask her when I see her on Tuesday, but I'm wondering if you guys have any guesses because it perplexes me. I was only half-joking of course. I would love to cuddle with her.
> >
> >
>
>

 

Re: T is relieved -- should I be, too? » Rigby

Posted by crushedout on January 7, 2004, at 13:14:01

In reply to Re: T is relieved -- should I be, too?, posted by Rigby on January 7, 2004, at 10:25:36

You're very smart, Rigby, and these are exactly the sorts of things I need to hear. However, I think you're wrong about two things: (1) I do think I know her pretty well (and, perhaps unfortunately, she thinks I do, too -- she told me so yesterday). Still, you're right that I don't know her well enough that this can really be only about her. It's only partially (only a small part?) about her. The rest is about me, that's for sure.

(2) I think she is going to tell me about her feelings for me. She told me she was going to be very explicit about this.

Still, your bottom line sounds right on the money and I need to absorb what you've told me and really try to put it into action. How, I wonder? But I'll have to figure that out.

crushed

> It's really, really tough but the goal here is for you to stop focusing on her and get the focus back on you. One of the main things about crushes as you probably know, is that they are Huge Distractions from thinking about and feeling other stuff; in many ways they're like drugs. I say this only b/c I've been there. Parsing her words, etc.--waste of time. She's a smart woman who probably enjoys her profession; she's not gonna risk it and she's not gonna throw her profession and marriage away. Probably in her mind she got a bit off track, was flattered and she's moving on. I don't know, no one does, but it's best to look at it this way if you can. The fact that she's relieved means that she doesn't want this tension--she wants to do her job. You can push boundaries if that's what feels good--but try and figure out why you're doing it. Try and see how you've done it in the past and why. Use the process to figure yourself out.
> > oh rigby that makes me so depressed but you're probably right. except, hidden meanings? i mean, she *told* me she was confused, enjoyed my crush on her. do you enjoy someone's crush when it's not reciprocated at least somewhat? i don't.
>
> It's tough but I think you need to deal with the fact that she's not going to. The more you try and get people to tell you they think she's obsessed or whatever with *you* the more you're just fueling your fantasies. I say this because I did this for a while but in the end a decent therapist--and it sounds like she's above-board, isn't gonna do this. Not gonna happen. Once I think you let it go you'll move on.
> > ok, but that doesn't mean she'll actually break down and sleep with me.
>
> Again, try and take the focus off her. If she's good you won't get any more information. She will not tell you about how she feels towards her husband and she won't tell you about how she feels towards you. She will want to hear all about how you feel. You do need to keep in mind that you are obsessed with someone you don't know--you may know a few things but chances are, you don't know much. Think about how well you know friends--you know jack about this woman compared to that. And it'll remain so. And then think about how you can't live without her. The two don't fit. It's something way beyond who she is. You've given her all these attributes but you don't know her. Try and just look at that. She should also be encouraging you to examine that. It's a very deep transference you're working through and it's very, very much not about this woman.
> > i don't know what to think. i guess i need her to tell me straight up. but she told me that us being lovers "could never happen" and yet i still don't believe it. i refuse to believe it.
> > i guess i'd need her to be really kinda cruel, and tell me she simply isn't attracted to me, or that she's desperately in love with her husband. but see, i'm afraid that even from a realistic perspective, those two statements are unlikely to be true.
> >
> > p.s. *what* life outside of therapy? (sadly, i'm only half-joking.)
> >
> >
> > > Crushed,
> > >
> > > I think she's onto yah. ;)
> > >
> > > I think you will probably have to let go of trying to find hidden meanings and wishing and hoping and praying she's gonna break and sleep with you. Especially now that it's in the open I'm guessing she's realized her mistake and wants to focus on the work that lays ahead. And my guess is she's relieved about that. She wants to help you. In order for a therapist to be effective they have to be able to walk inside your head. But they also need to keep one foot outisde to be effective too. It sounds like she erred a bit in the direction of being into your head and has corrected herself. Mine did this too. You may keep trying (I did) but chances are if she's good she'll make certain to draw clear boundaries. Again, I may be projecting my experience onto yours but if I had to guess, if she's good, she'll be firmer in the future.
> > >
> > > This process has been very intense for you. If you can use what's just happened to you in therapy to examine your life outside the room that'll be awesome. If you don't, if we all don't, then heck all we're doing is helping our therapists put braces on their kids' teeth.
> > >
> > > > So, I still haven't seen my T since our last visit, when she apologized for hurting me. (See above thread: "OK, what do you all think of this???")
> > > >
> > > > But, because I'm a silly girl, I emailed her on Friday and said, "I know we can't be lovers, but can we please do this?" and I attached a sickeningly cute picture of two kittens cuddling (spooning, to be exact).
> > > >
> > > > She replied that it cracked her up (of which I'm glad -- I was hoping to make her laugh with it), but also that she was cracking up partly from relief and that now she was sure we could work through this. I'm confused. What's her logic? Why would that make her feel relieved, do you think?
> > > >
> > > > I guess I'll ask her when I see her on Tuesday, but I'm wondering if you guys have any guesses because it perplexes me. I was only half-joking of course. I would love to cuddle with her.
> > >
> > >
> >
> >
>
>

 

Woody Allen movies

Posted by Medusa on January 8, 2004, at 1:42:31

In reply to Re: T is relieved -- should I be, too? » Rigby, posted by crushedout on January 7, 2004, at 13:14:01

Crushed, have you seen many Woody Allen movies? Therapist-patient interactions (and romances) are a recurring theme. It might not help you directly right now, but perhaps it would be a vehicle for exploring your feelings about this stuff.

If you'd like, I can look up a list of his films and let you know which one's I've seen that include this motif ...

 

Re: Woody Allen movies

Posted by crushedout on January 8, 2004, at 10:07:12

In reply to Woody Allen movies, posted by Medusa on January 8, 2004, at 1:42:31


oh, yes, medusa. i'm actually a huge woody allen fan. thank you for the sweet offer. (i never find his portraits of the therapeutic relationship very realistic, though, do you? i mean, like many things he does, they're caricatures, and completely focused on his silly neuroses, which is always funny of course.)

> Crushed, have you seen many Woody Allen movies? Therapist-patient interactions (and romances) are a recurring theme. It might not help you directly right now, but perhaps it would be a vehicle for exploring your feelings about this stuff.
>
> If you'd like, I can look up a list of his films and let you know which one's I've seen that include this motif ...

 

Re: T is relieved -- should I be, too? » crushedout

Posted by Rigby on January 8, 2004, at 18:33:23

In reply to Re: T is relieved -- should I be, too? » Rigby, posted by crushedout on January 7, 2004, at 13:14:01

I think if you know your therapist well--like you really do know them like you'd know a friend then they've done a poor job with boundaries. Sometimes though we think we know someone well b/c the energy is there but, when the energy calms down (like being enfatuated) then, well, then that's when the "knowing" begins. It can be inspiring or depressing--usually more the latter than the former at least for me!
(1) I do think I know her pretty well (and, perhaps unfortunately, she thinks I do, too -- she told me so yesterday). Still, you're right that I don't know her well enough that this can really be only about her. It's only partially (only a small part?) about her. The rest is about me, that's for sure.

If there's not a great reason as to why this will benefit you, her telling you *her* feelings then, again, boundaries are not being properly drawn. If she tells you she has feelings for you but you can't be together that'll only serve to fuel your frustrations and hopes. If she tells you she's not interested romantically then you'll be really depressed. I don't see how you win in either case.
> (2) I think she is going to tell me about her feelings for me. She told me she was going to be very explicit about this.

I just hope that this situation is helpful to you--that it's not about distraction--substituting one obsession or addiction for another. Crushes have always been like drugs to me--getting off of 'em is tough. Good luck--I'm routing for you.
> Still, your bottom line sounds right on the money and I need to absorb what you've told me and really try to put it into action. How, I wonder? But I'll have to figure that out.

 

you're right of course » Rigby

Posted by crushedout on January 9, 2004, at 0:49:57

In reply to Re: T is relieved -- should I be, too? » crushedout, posted by Rigby on January 8, 2004, at 18:33:23


I totally agree, Rigby. The thing is, I was kinda still deluding myself into hoping that she had poor boundaries and would end up getting carried away again and this time run off with me. Unfortunately, I think she's actually a good therapist. She hasn't told me either that she's attracted to me or repulsed by me, and I know that neither would be helpful. (What she did tell me was that she wanted to fix my loneliness by giving me the CD but instead only made it worse, so she realizes now it was a mistake.)

I'm still not so sure about the "knowing" her part. It's true I don't know her annoying day-to-day habits and all that. But I truly feel like I have an excellent sense of her as a person, her likes and dislikes. Part of this is because she does perhaps have fewer boundaries than she's supposed to have, and has told me a lot of personal information about herself. Another part may be me deluding myself.

But in any case, I'm glad you're rooting for me and I think I'm making progress. It really is three steps forward, two steps back, or whatever, often. I've been a lot more honest with her, and with you, etc., about my feelings, and I think that's a good way to move past them.

Thanks, as always, for your excellent advice and support.


> I think if you know your therapist well--like you really do know them like you'd know a friend then they've done a poor job with boundaries. Sometimes though we think we know someone well b/c the energy is there but, when the energy calms down (like being enfatuated) then, well, then that's when the "knowing" begins. It can be inspiring or depressing--usually more the latter than the former at least for me!
> (1) I do think I know her pretty well (and, perhaps unfortunately, she thinks I do, too -- she told me so yesterday). Still, you're right that I don't know her well enough that this can really be only about her. It's only partially (only a small part?) about her. The rest is about me, that's for sure.
>
> If there's not a great reason as to why this will benefit you, her telling you *her* feelings then, again, boundaries are not being properly drawn. If she tells you she has feelings for you but you can't be together that'll only serve to fuel your frustrations and hopes. If she tells you she's not interested romantically then you'll be really depressed. I don't see how you win in either case.
> > (2) I think she is going to tell me about her feelings for me. She told me she was going to be very explicit about this.
>
> I just hope that this situation is helpful to you--that it's not about distraction--substituting one obsession or addiction for another. Crushes have always been like drugs to me--getting off of 'em is tough. Good luck--I'm routing for you.
> > Still, your bottom line sounds right on the money and I need to absorb what you've told me and really try to put it into action. How, I wonder? But I'll have to figure that out.
>
>

 

Why she was relieved

Posted by crushedout on January 9, 2004, at 1:03:12

In reply to T is relieved -- should I be, too?, posted by crushedout on January 5, 2004, at 4:08:37


I asked her today what she was worried about before getting that email and why it made her feel relieved. She said it was because she was afraid I would try to find a way to "write her off" and my email let her know that I still felt warmly toward her so I would probably stick around. She's afraid of losing me. I guess that should make me feel good. And it does.

 

You're Doing Great » crushedout

Posted by Rigby on January 9, 2004, at 10:13:05

In reply to you're right of course » Rigby, posted by crushedout on January 9, 2004, at 0:49:57

Hi Crushed. This is really difficult stuff you've been going through--you will be rewarded for your hard work.

I absolutely understand the fantasy of wanting her to break all the rules and go off into the sunset with you. It's hard to let go of that dream. Big crushes die hard. Ugh how I know that one. However, when I let go of a similar fantasy with my therapist (kicking and screaming) that's when things in my life really started to change--not consciously but boy did life open up and become something worth living. But letting go didn't happen overnight. But how powerful ultimately it was to go through it all.

I'm glad she cares about you and is good at what she does--you deserve this. Hard to believe now but later down the road you'll be happy she didn't get sucked in. I never in a million years woulda thought this for myself but I do now.

I'm a big Woody Allen fan but relative to serious crushes and obsession, one of my favorite movies on the topic is Damage(Fatale). Juliette Binoche is easy on the eyes too. ;)

The only way out is through--and you've chosen to face your demons. You're doing great and will continue to do so.

Rigby

 

Re: You're Doing Great » Rigby

Posted by crushedout on January 9, 2004, at 10:30:19

In reply to You're Doing Great » crushedout, posted by Rigby on January 9, 2004, at 10:13:05


Thanks, Rigby.

It's helpful to be as honest as I can about my fantasies and feelings about her, right? That's how you work through it? Because that's what I've been doing lately (mostly by email).

I hope I'm not driving her crazy because I've been contacting her outside of sessions kind of a lot. But I've been sort of in crisis mode and I'm not usually such a demanding client. I hope she understands.

Yesterday my crisis was about the fees I owe her. She admitted (after basically not being honest with me for awhile about this) that she was uneasy with me owing her money. That's totally understandable, but it came as a shock because she told me so many times that it was ok. So that brought up a lot of hard feelings for me, all of which I emailed her about. I'm really considering cutting back or taking a break for financial reasons, in addition to giving me some space to maybe find other things in my life to replace this obsession/crush.

crushed

> Hi Crushed. This is really difficult stuff you've been going through--you will be rewarded for your hard work.
>
> I absolutely understand the fantasy of wanting her to break all the rules and go off into the sunset with you. It's hard to let go of that dream. Big crushes die hard. Ugh how I know that one. However, when I let go of a similar fantasy with my therapist (kicking and screaming) that's when things in my life really started to change--not consciously but boy did life open up and become something worth living. But letting go didn't happen overnight. But how powerful ultimately it was to go through it all.
>
> I'm glad she cares about you and is good at what she does--you deserve this. Hard to believe now but later down the road you'll be happy she didn't get sucked in. I never in a million years woulda thought this for myself but I do now.
>
> I'm a big Woody Allen fan but relative to serious crushes and obsession, one of my favorite movies on the topic is Damage(Fatale). Juliette Binoche is easy on the eyes too. ;)
>
> The only way out is through--and you've chosen to face your demons. You're doing great and will continue to do so.
>
> Rigby
>
>

 

P.S. I like Damage, too. (nm) » Rigby

Posted by crushedout on January 9, 2004, at 10:36:57

In reply to You're Doing Great » crushedout, posted by Rigby on January 9, 2004, at 10:13:05

 

Difficult Questions » crushedout

Posted by Rigby on January 9, 2004, at 15:47:57

In reply to Re: You're Doing Great » Rigby, posted by crushedout on January 9, 2004, at 10:30:19

I think it's probably ideal if we all had gobs of money to work through our stuff in session with the therapist vs. outside emailing. I think that that stuff comes in waves, at least for me, where I have lots to dump. The more honest you are though I think that the load gets lighter and there's less need for processing outside the sessions.
> It's helpful to be as honest as I can about my fantasies and feelings about her, right? That's how you work through it? Because that's what I've been doing lately (mostly by email).

It sounds like she's made exceptions and really wants to help but it also sounds like you're a good person, sensitive to not trying to over-reach. Therapists aren't being paid for stuff outside of the time you spend with them so I kinda try and keep that in mind. Again, it doesn't seem like you stand the chance of going overboard simply because you're very self-aware.
> I hope I'm not driving her crazy because I've been contacting her outside of sessions kind of a lot. But I've been sort of in crisis mode and I'm not usually such a demanding client. I hope she understands.

This is hard. Although my understanding was that *you* didn't owe her--that the insurance company did? You could fault her for changing her story but it seems like she was trying to be really easy on bringing up the Reality of Money but now she may feel more comfortable confronting that since it sounds like Getting Real is the theme this week with her.
> Yesterday my crisis was about the fees I owe her. She admitted (after basically not being honest with me for awhile about this) that she was uneasy with me owing her money. That's totally understandable, but it came as a shock because she told me so many times that it was ok. So that brought up a lot of hard feelings for me, all of which I emailed her about.

Yeah, you gotta take care of reality and if you owe bucks and are only accruing more debt then, well, you gotta look at that. Getting A Life is never a bad idea--it's the execution that's a real bear.
>I'm really considering cutting back or taking a break for financial reasons, in addition to giving me some space to maybe find other things in my life to replace this obsession/crush.

 

Re: Difficult Questions » Rigby

Posted by crushedout on January 9, 2004, at 16:04:51

In reply to Difficult Questions » crushedout, posted by Rigby on January 9, 2004, at 15:47:57

> I think it's probably ideal if we all had gobs >of money to work through our stuff in session >with the therapist vs. outside emailing. I think >that that stuff comes in waves, at least for me, >where I have lots to dump. The more honest you >are though I think that the load gets lighter >and there's less need for processing outside the >sessions.
> > It's helpful to be as honest as I can about >my fantasies and feelings about her, right? >That's how you work through it? Because that's >what I've been doing lately (mostly by email).

yeah, but my question is just that it's good to be totally honest about everything, right? and talk about it as much as i need to till i get it out of my system? I've been using email for the hard stuff because i can't do it face-to-face *yet*. but i think it'll get easier the more i know she knows (from my emails).

> This is hard. Although my understanding was >that *you* didn't owe her--that the insurance >company did?

nope, i do owe her, but the insurance company owes me and is giving me the runaround, which is part of why i've gotten into debt with her. but that's not her problem. she's out-of-network and doesn't bill insurance companies as a policy. she also doesn't allow clients to owe her money in general but has made an exception for me. i'm pissed at her (and told her this) because she was the one who first encouraged me to increase number of sessions (from once to twice a week, and then nudged me -- although she misremembers this -- toward three times) and when she first was suggesting this, she told me i could owe her money, that she completely trusted me (she'd known me for about a year at that point and i'm a SUPERresponsible person, especially when it comes to money). so now she's throwing this uneasiness at me and it just threw me for a loop because i really thought she was cool with it. (i feel stupid for thinking that now, too.)

but we're working this out, it's not really a huge deal. it just brought up a lot of difficult feelings for me. but i'm glad she finally told me how she was feeling. (more info than you needed)

 

Re: Difficult Questions

Posted by Rigby on January 12, 2004, at 10:10:35

In reply to Re: Difficult Questions » Rigby, posted by crushedout on January 9, 2004, at 16:04:51

It sounds like there's a bit of a housecleaning going on on her end--she's getting firmer boundaries and being clearer. It could be a combo of her messing up and wanting to correct mistakes and maybe she feels like you're ready to have her do this. I hope you're feeling better about all this--you've been through alot!

Also, three times a week perhaps only served to
> nope, i do owe her, but the insurance company owes me and is giving me the runaround, which is part of why i've gotten into debt with her. but that's not her problem. she's out-of-network and doesn't bill insurance companies as a policy. she also doesn't allow clients to owe her money in general but has made an exception for me. i'm pissed at her (and told her this) because she was the one who first encouraged me to increase number of sessions (from once to twice a week, and then nudged me -- although she misremembers this -- toward three times) and when she first was suggesting this, she told me i could owe her money, that she completely trusted me (she'd known me for about a year at that point and i'm a SUPERresponsible person, especially when it comes to money). so now she's throwing this uneasiness at me and it just threw me for a loop because i really thought she was cool with it. (i feel stupid for thinking that now, too.)
>
> but we're working this out, it's not really a huge deal. it just brought up a lot of difficult feelings for me. but i'm glad she finally told me how she was feeling. (more info than you needed)
>

 

Re: Difficult Questions » Rigby

Posted by crushedout on January 12, 2004, at 11:06:58

In reply to Re: Difficult Questions, posted by Rigby on January 12, 2004, at 10:10:35

> It sounds like there's a bit of a housecleaning going on on her end--she's getting firmer boundaries and being clearer. It could be a combo of her messing up and wanting to correct mistakes and maybe she feels like you're ready to have her do this. I hope you're feeling better about all this--you've been through alot!

yeah, i just don't like the mixed messages, being jerked around. but you're right, i needed these boundaries clarified. i feel pretty good these days, but there's a lot of confusion about the transference, and i feel really humiliated about spilling my guts to her last week. i'm actually dreading seeing her today. i don't know what that's about. when i did it, it felt satisfying, but as i've sat with it, i've just felt more and more ashamed and stupid.

>
> Also, three times a week perhaps only served to

did you get cut off here?


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