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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by joslynn on November 21, 2003, at 10:29:47
Therapy Annoyances
1. In my last session with my therp, she happened to mention in the course of conversation that I had a very distinctive voice. Huh? I asked her what she meant and she backed down and said, well, I guess everyone has a distinctive voice. But now I am wondering what she meant by that, do I have this annoying Fran Drescer voice and no one has told me??!! I am being half facetious here, but it really has been bothering me. Do I sound like Lisa Simpson? Or maybe it’s something good, like Lauren Bacall. I always sound goofy on my answering machine, but I thought everyone thinks that about their voice. Hmmm.
2. In my last session with my Pdoc (who also does therapy with me) he said he could help me with this little administrative detail. I won’t say what it is, in case he is lurking, though I doubt he has time for that. It wasn’t anything urgent or even directly related to me, but when I was talking about it, he said, oh, I think I could get that piece of information for you, call me if you decide you need it.
I called him later and left a msg saying if you can, I would appreciate the detail. I said it wasn’t a rush. A week later, I called again to ask if he got my msg. He said oh yes, and it’s good you reminded me, because I’m going to a conference this week and I’m sure I can get the info. He definitely said "I’m sure." Phrases like that set off the "promise-meter" in my mind. It becomes an expectation.
That was about five days ago and no word from him. For all I know, he couldn’t get the info after all or he does not think I need it right now and will just pass it along at my next session. It doesn’t concern my health and it’s not urgent, although I really would like it before my next session, which is in two weeks. It sort of concerns someone else I’m worried about, it’s kind of a favor for them. It’s something that would be easy for him to get and it’s not unethical or anything.
Does he care so little about me and those I care about? I refuse to call to nag him again.
I feel hurt that he hasn’t called with the info or called to say he couldn’t get it. Feelings surface of "well, that just proves he doesn’t really care about me" etc. This is silly, because when I am very upset and need to talk, because my therp is out of town or I want to talke to both of them, he almost always gets back to me pretty quickly.
Only one time he didn’t, and he sort of had an excuse which wasn’t good enough for me, but he also apologized, said he was sorry, said I deserved better than how he acted and it was ok for me to be mad at him, etc. He spent over half an hour on the phone apologizing and making sure things were right with us. So it had a good resolution.
But now, about this other matter, this little part of me feels like, he SAID he was SURE he could get the info, it’s one little piece of info, was he lying, did he forget about me, waaahhh! He doesn’t love me.
Then I imagine being really cold to him at my next session, perhaps saying, you know what, I can just do fifteen-minute sessions from now on, just give me the scrip, I wouldn’t want you to trouble yourself with the burden of pretending to care. Very cool and dry. (P.S. In this fantasy, I would have my hair slicked back in a tight french twist and be wearing a sophisticated 1920s suit. LOL)
All because of a detail that does not directly concern my mental or physical health. It is not the detail, it is almost like a test I am subconsciously giving him. I want him to jump at ALL my needs, even the ones I downplay. I know this is asking too much. Yet part of me wants it, not for the detail, but so that he can prove himself to me.
Posted by karen_kay on November 21, 2003, at 11:45:35
In reply to therapy annoyances (long), posted by joslynn on November 21, 2003, at 10:29:47
<Don't you hate comments like that? They just leave you hanging... When faced with a situation like that, I tend to twist the conversation to the side that suits my desires (ie my voice is sexy!) even if that is not the intended message. Unfortunately, my therapist's offhanded remarks stick with me more than the "real" comments he makes. But, I tend to distort reality into what I want it to be. That's a problem I have.
I would say though, if you had a voice like the nanny, you would know it!!> 1. In my last session with my therp, she happened to mention in the course of conversation that I had a very distinctive voice. Huh? I asked her what she meant and she backed down and said, well, I guess everyone has a distinctive voice. But now I am wondering what she meant by that, do I have this annoying Fran Drescer voice and no one has told me??!! I am being half facetious here, but it really has been bothering me. Do I sound like Lisa Simpson? Or maybe it’s something good, like Lauren Bacall. I always sound goofy on my answering machine, but I thought everyone thinks that about their voice. Hmmm.
<<I know what you mean. I call my therapist sometimes just to see how long it takes for him to call me back (horrible, aren't I?).. I'm testing him, to see if he is trustworthy. I don't call just to say hi, it is to reschedule, but if he doesn't call within the hour, I'm hot!! I mean, he is my favorite therapist and I should be his favorite client, right? (Maybe not, but I like to pretend). But, when he doesn't return a phone call, which happened during a period of time when I really needed him to, I was very cold to him during the next session. It was his punishment for hurting me. But, I don't even think he noticed. Or at least he didn't comment about it. Figures! I have those fantasies too about canceling appointments, being cold, yelling, stomping out, crying, having sex (hmm!), but they never happen. It seems I never really bring emotion into therapy yet, but I'm working on it!
I would say you should call your pdoc and ask him to get the info and give you a buzz when he has the info you requested. That way, you don't have to call him again, and he also knows that you do want it in the near future. I know that I tend to down-play how important something is to me, by understating the importance around others. Then looking back, I kick myself for not being more assertive. So, call and leave just one more message asking your pdoc to give you a call when the info becomes available. This way, you won't be bugging him (or her, can't remember) and s/he knows you want it!
Karen> 2. In my last session with my Pdoc (who also does therapy with me) he said he could help me with this little administrative detail. I won’t say what it is, in case he is lurking, though I doubt he has time for that. It wasn’t anything urgent or even directly related to me, but when I was talking about it, he said, oh, I think I could get that piece of information for you, call me if you decide you need it.
>
> I called him later and left a msg saying if you can, I would appreciate the detail. I said it wasn’t a rush. A week later, I called again to ask if he got my msg. He said oh yes, and it’s good you reminded me, because I’m going to a conference this week and I’m sure I can get the info. He definitely said "I’m sure." Phrases like that set off the "promise-meter" in my mind. It becomes an expectation.
>
> That was about five days ago and no word from him. For all I know, he couldn’t get the info after all or he does not think I need it right now and will just pass it along at my next session. It doesn’t concern my health and it’s not urgent, although I really would like it before my next session, which is in two weeks. It sort of concerns someone else I’m worried about, it’s kind of a favor for them. It’s something that would be easy for him to get and it’s not unethical or anything.
>
> Does he care so little about me and those I care about? I refuse to call to nag him again.
>
> I feel hurt that he hasn’t called with the info or called to say he couldn’t get it. Feelings surface of "well, that just proves he doesn’t really care about me" etc. This is silly, because when I am very upset and need to talk, because my therp is out of town or I want to talke to both of them, he almost always gets back to me pretty quickly.
>
> Only one time he didn’t, and he sort of had an excuse which wasn’t good enough for me, but he also apologized, said he was sorry, said I deserved better than how he acted and it was ok for me to be mad at him, etc. He spent over half an hour on the phone apologizing and making sure things were right with us. So it had a good resolution.
>
> But now, about this other matter, this little part of me feels like, he SAID he was SURE he could get the info, it’s one little piece of info, was he lying, did he forget about me, waaahhh! He doesn’t love me.
>
> Then I imagine being really cold to him at my next session, perhaps saying, you know what, I can just do fifteen-minute sessions from now on, just give me the scrip, I wouldn’t want you to trouble yourself with the burden of pretending to care. Very cool and dry. (P.S. In this fantasy, I would have my hair slicked back in a tight french twist and be wearing a sophisticated 1920s suit. LOL)
>
> All because of a detail that does not directly concern my mental or physical health. It is not the detail, it is almost like a test I am subconsciously giving him. I want him to jump at ALL my needs, even the ones I downplay. I know this is asking too much. Yet part of me wants it, not for the detail, but so that he can prove himself to me.
>
>
>
>
Posted by Poet on November 21, 2003, at 12:09:29
In reply to therapy annoyances (long), posted by joslynn on November 21, 2003, at 10:29:47
Hi,
I think your therapist was paying you a compliment about your voice and wasn't being sarcastic.
I've always been told I have a great speaking voice. I don't hear it, but I have accepted that everyone else hears something I don't. Accept what she said for the compliment it is.
Your pdoc might have been swamped with conference stuff and he just forgot (again) to send the info. No matter what the excuse is, he owes you an explanation and an apology. When will therapists realize that their clients/patients have abandonment issues and promises must be kept? A little thing to them is major to us.
Hang in there and when you see him again look him in the eye and ask if he has the info. I love the french twist and 1920s suit fantasy. I love clothes from that period, too. I was born 30 some years too late to look like Daisy in The Great Gatsby.
Poet
Posted by DaisyM on November 21, 2003, at 15:45:49
In reply to therapy annoyances (long), posted by joslynn on November 21, 2003, at 10:29:47
I'd let the voice thing go...she may have backed off not because it was an insult but because it was a compliment and sometimes those are off limits too.
About testing -- since you recognize that you are doing it, can you bring this up? I mean, the specific incident could be handled with a message like, "oh, I'm not sure I told you that I'd be happy to swing in and pick it up if that is easier than mailing it..." or "I'll be over by the office on Tuesday at 2 if that is convenient for me to stop in" something pretty benign that is also a reminder.
But the underlying issue of testing -- speaks to trust, etc. Everything you said yourself. And why are you testing now. Has something happened?
I guess we all have to keep reminding ourself that they can have 30 or more clients/patients and we have *just 1* of them. :(
Posted by joslynn on November 21, 2003, at 17:02:18
In reply to Re: therapy annoyances (long) » joslynn, posted by DaisyM on November 21, 2003, at 15:45:49
Thanks for the feedback posts.
Yes, I will have to bring up that it was a subconscious test. The funny thing is, just yesterday the person told me that this piece of information was not a rush. It can wait a couple weeks. So if I were to call and remind him about it now, I think it would go into the territory of being for my own purposes...it would no longer be about the detail, it would be about me. In which case, it can be about me in the next session, when it can be handled better and more directly than in a phone call about something else.
The things I think I would discuss (in person) are: 1. Sensitivity to things I perceive as promises that then get broken. This is a big thing with me and any man. I would rather not have them say they will do something than say they will do it and then not do it.
2. oh rats, I just forgot the second thing!
This is the end of the thread.
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