Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 279674

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I'm having trouble making an appointment

Posted by Susan J on November 14, 2003, at 9:15:17

Hi,

Maybe this is the wrong board to post on, but...

I've been feeling a lot better the past 6 weeks or so. Lots. Scary, but nice. I haven't gone to my therapist in the past month and never told her why not....I haven't felt the need, but more importantly, I've been way too busy at work. And since my concentration sucks right now (side effect of WB I think), I can't focus enough to sit down, make the call, and schedule the appointment.

But the *real* problem is why does this type of act actually *paralyze* me? It happened with a project at work this summer. I didn't do it, didn't do it, and then when I finally mustered the motivation, I was scared to death to do it, because I knew as soon as I would turn it in, it would bring it to my boss' attention that I hadn't done it all fricking summer.

Well, he finally figured it out himself, came in and yelled at me, told me to get off my butt and do it....and that really helped me! Like the damn burst and I could *move* again....

I don't get it. I get this *paralysis* of behavior quite often now, usually when I'm stressed. I don't want to make the appointment cuz I'll have to face my therapist and explain *why* I haven't made any appointments recently.
And I know she won't care, really, so it's all something happening inside of me....

It's like being a procrastinator on crack or something....I procrastinate myself to failure, when I used to just butt up against the deadline last minute but still get the job done. But that paralysis feeling is the same...just much much worse now....

Anyone have a clue what my problem is? :-) Well, at least *this* problem.

Thanks,

Susan

 

Re: I'm having trouble making an appointment Susan J

Posted by Poet on November 14, 2003, at 9:51:03

In reply to I'm having trouble making an appointment, posted by Susan J on November 14, 2003, at 9:15:17

Susan,

I think this is the perfect board to post on.

I have an intense fear of failure. I drive myself crazy trying to be perfect and if I'm not I beat myself up non-stop for being a failure. Maybe your paralysis is because you fear failure, too? You freeze until you actually cause failure to punish yourself? I know I do.

You are right that your therapist won't care that you haven't been to see her in awhile. If you muster up the courage to make an appointment, she will just be pleased that you are back.

Is WB wellbutrin? My doctor talked about switching me from Paxil to it, and one of her concerns is that it would worsen my insomnia. So maybe it's causing your concentration problems. I see my doctor next week to see if she wants me on it. Ick!

Poet

 

Re: I'm having trouble making an appointment Susan J

Posted by Dinah on November 14, 2003, at 9:56:31

In reply to I'm having trouble making an appointment, posted by Susan J on November 14, 2003, at 9:15:17

You posted a while ago that you thought it was maybe time to move on. Maybe your paralysis is a way of keeping her while trying out life without her.

Just a thought.

 

Re: I'm having trouble making an appointment

Posted by Susan J on November 14, 2003, at 10:28:12

In reply to Re: I'm having trouble making an appointment Susan J, posted by Dinah on November 14, 2003, at 9:56:31

> You posted a while ago that you thought it was maybe time to move on. Maybe your paralysis is a way of keeping her while trying out life without her.
>
> Just a thought.

Hi, Dinah.

That could be. I don't feel depressed and sad and paralyzed by depression anymore. I think WB has helped me a lot with that. And my therapist said generally I have healthy behaviors, so I don't feel a great need to *fix* anything. She was kind of giving me advice on a situation by situation basis.

So, no, I don't feel a real need to see her, but I *also* know I view seeing her as a concrete sign of my being sick....and if I don't see her, I kind of trick myself into thinking I'm OK

But I *am* having some serious anxiety issues and not sure what to do with them.

Arrrrgh...

Susan

 

Re: I'm having trouble making an appointment

Posted by Susan J on November 14, 2003, at 10:49:06

In reply to Re: I'm having trouble making an appointment Susan J, posted by Poet on November 14, 2003, at 9:51:03

Hi, Poet,


>>You freeze until you actually cause failure to punish yourself? I know I do.
<<I don't know. I always thought I was fairly insightful into my own behavior and motivations, but after reading these boards for a while, I find that there's so much more going on than what I immediately see in myself. So it's very possible I make myself fail to punish myself. I have always been the hardest critic of myself, so that would fit....definitely worth exploring more.

My therapist offers great practical advice with dealing with crises in my life, but she doesn't or can't delve into those types of behavioral issues (like my wanting to punish myself). I've learned more about that here, than in therapy.

> Is WB wellbutrin? My doctor talked about switching me from Paxil to it, and one of her concerns is that it would worsen my insomnia. So maybe it's causing your concentration problems. I see my doctor next week to see if she wants me on it. Ick!
<<WB is Wellbutrin. I take 2 pills, 150mg each, per day. I was on Paxil and it almost killed me. I was walking zombie and I'm not sure how much it really helped my depression if at all. WB has been a godsend to me....life's not perfect, but I actually wake up each day, if not happy, then at least not sad.

But I'm pretty sure the WB is causing concentration problems for me, although it's hard to judge because lack of concentration was a symptom of my depression, too. Just *different*. Don't know how to explain.

WB can definitely keep me up at night if I take that last pill late. I take mine at 7am and 4pm, and taking the last one in the afternoon really helps me. But on Paxil, I was sleeping almost 16 hours a day. On WB, I get 7 to 8 hours and that's fine for me. I don't know if it'd be a good choice for you, though, if you've historically had problems with insomnia..

Is Paxil not working for you?

Susan

 

Re: I'm having trouble making an appointment Susan J

Posted by Poet on November 14, 2003, at 11:07:32

In reply to Re: I'm having trouble making an appointment, posted by Susan J on November 14, 2003, at 10:49:06

Hi Susan,

I think the Paxil isn't working anymore. I am more depressed and having more anxiety problems, even my therapist said that maybe it isn't working anymore.

I saw my doctor a few weeks ago because I wasn't sleeping, she gave me Trazodone and when that doesn't work, Ambien. She thought the insomnia might be that Paxil isn't working anymore. Maybe she'll try something besides Wellbutrin as I hate being drugged to sleep.

Poet

 

Re: I'm having trouble making an appointment

Posted by Susan J on November 14, 2003, at 13:12:27

In reply to Re: I'm having trouble making an appointment Susan J, posted by Poet on November 14, 2003, at 11:07:32

Hiya, Poet,


> Maybe she'll try something besides Wellbutrin as I hate being drugged to sleep.
<<Yeah, I hate the whole idea of drugs, period. I want to be able to do it myself. But that's not gonna work for me, I don't think. But I was wondering what's keeping you up at night? Do you have trouble falling asleep, or wake up early and can't get back to sleep? Is it related to anxiety do you think?

When I was having some trouble (albeit very mild trouble) falling asleep, my med doc recommended I take an OTC antihistamine. That, plus making sure I was relaxed about an hour before bed and that I was getting at least some exericise each day, helped me....that probably means nothing to you cuz you probably have had really bad problems with insomnia, haven't you?

I'm sorry. God, it sucks doesn't it, not being able to get this stuff right? Good luck,

Susan

>
> Poet

 

Re: I'm having trouble making an appointment Susan J

Posted by Poet on November 14, 2003, at 14:48:52

In reply to Re: I'm having trouble making an appointment, posted by Susan J on November 14, 2003, at 13:12:27

Hello Susan,

If I fall asleep on my own (mainly after drinking an entire bottle of wine, bad me!) I wake up and have trouble falling back asleep. With the meds I can be awake for hours. The natural method (Melatonin) did nothing and I would take four of them at once.

It's definitely anxiety, the failure tape runs over and over. It's like I punish myself for failure by failing to sleep.

Poet

 

Re: I'm having trouble making an appointment Poet

Posted by fallsfall on November 14, 2003, at 17:35:00

In reply to Re: I'm having trouble making an appointment Susan J, posted by Poet on November 14, 2003, at 14:48:52

I have a "relax to sleep" tape that I listen to when my mind is too busy. My favorite part is it tells me to put all my issues in a heavy box next to my bed and then close the lid. It took a while to learn to do this, but now it is incredibly effective. Sometimes I have trouble fitting everything into the box and have to "get" a bigger one. Sometimes things don't want to stay in the box and I wish I had 3 hands to put the cover on.

Then the tape says to relax each body part. Ends with music and ocean which fades into just ocean.

 

I'll try it, thanks! (nm) fallsfall

Posted by Poet on November 15, 2003, at 10:32:52

In reply to Re: I'm having trouble making an appointment Poet, posted by fallsfall on November 14, 2003, at 17:35:00

 

Re: I'm having trouble making an appointment Susan J

Posted by shar on November 16, 2003, at 22:44:22

In reply to I'm having trouble making an appointment, posted by Susan J on November 14, 2003, at 9:15:17

hmmmm, Susan, maybe you're depressed.

I mean that in a slightly cynical, humorous, understanding way. I have the 'paralysis' experience fairly often now over different things. Like I'm a substitute teacher, get calls to go in and work, and am totally paralyzed by fear/guilt/whatever. So, I don't go. I am unemployed, so NOT going is ridiculous.

I will let bills stack up and up and up because I can't pay them, I have panic attacks about financial insolvency (panic attacks are new for me), and still I'm like a stone.

My therapist says being alone doing things is much harder than sharing doing things. Well, wouldn't you know, I was raised by the Queen Herself of Self-sufficiency-and-don't-trust-anyone-else. So, I suppose my point is (and I have not read this whole thread) that when someone else is involved, even if they are yelling, it's a bit easier than being Atlas with the world on one's shoulders.

And...the things that we feel like Atlas about may be as "minor" as a phone call, or as "major" as turning down work.

I think when the time is right you will call your therapist. If nothing else, I will encourage you to do it, it could help, and you are not alone.

PLUS I sometimes forget that the unpleasant things I experience are symptoms of my dis-ease. I keep beating myself up about not having energy, and one day I realize....well, that's a major symptom of depression! Who knew? Well, I KNEW, but I didn't apply it to myself.

Shar

 

Re: I'm having trouble making an appointment shar

Posted by Susan J on November 17, 2003, at 8:47:33

In reply to Re: I'm having trouble making an appointment Susan J, posted by shar on November 16, 2003, at 22:44:22

Hi, Shar,

That's a good point. Maybe I *am* depressed, just in a different way than what I've experienced the past 2 years....I'm just not feeling any real sadness, although there's a lot of anger, irritability, anxiety and stuff surfacing that's not really healthy...it's just these new emotions, and they are new for me, are invigorating in a way depression/sadness/can'tmove/cry all the time was for me....

But. Doesn't mean it's right.....mebbe I should make that appointment.

Thanks,

Susan


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