Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 245412

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Re: also in love with therapist

Posted by stebby on August 16, 2003, at 14:15:35

In reply to Re: also in love with therapist » stebby, posted by Pfinstegg on August 16, 2003, at 1:11:23

I am so interested in hearing how analysis turns out for you. Yes, I am very afraid of having another horrible experience with these transference issues. There is nothing like entering therapy completely "green" to the whole mental health world and six months later leaving in a worse condition than you started. I guess that is why I want to fight these feelings so much of the time. I'm glad to hear that analysts think the prognosis for successful therapy is good when there are strong transference feelngs. I will keep that in mind. Its is really helpful to hear what you have to say.

I know what you mean when you say you ffeel like you are being pulled in so many directions and don't feel like you are doing a good job in anything. In fact, I think I've said those exact words to my therapist before. When school is in session, my life is insane. Thank God my husband stays home with the boys. At least I know they are in good hands, but I still worry so much that they don't get enough mommy time. When I do see them, I don't have much left to give. I did not realize just how anxious I was until I started taking SSRI's. Although I still get pretty down a lot of the time, my anxiety improved SO much.

Again, I really am sorry for offending you about the message board question. I am really happy to have found such an iformative and supportive spot even if it is in cyberspace. I find it interesting that all of the epople I have connected with here are women seemingly in the same age bracket. What's up with that? What a world we live in!

 

Re: also in love with therapist » stebby

Posted by Pfinstegg on August 16, 2003, at 19:05:49

In reply to Re: also in love with therapist, posted by stebby on August 16, 2003, at 14:15:35

I know- isn't it striking? We've got a few terrific men here, but not nearly so many. And they don't post about their feelings and experiences with nearly the frequency that the women do. However, almost all of the important things that I've learned about the neurophysiology of depression, the actions of the various AD's and the role of adjuvant treatments like niacinamide, fish oil, magnesium etc. have come from really smart guys over on the med board.

Pfinstegg

 

Re: also in love with therapist » Pfinstegg

Posted by stebby on August 16, 2003, at 20:40:05

In reply to Re: also in love with therapist » stebby, posted by Pfinstegg on August 16, 2003, at 19:05:49

I haven't spent any time over at the med board yet. I wonder if transference happens more often with women, or we are just more likely to talk about it. I'll be offline until Tuesday...go'in camping! Cheers to you.

 

Re: also in love with therapist » Pfinstegg

Posted by stebby on August 27, 2003, at 20:31:28

In reply to Re: also in love with therapist » stebby, posted by Pfinstegg on August 16, 2003, at 19:05:49

Hey Pfinstegg, Where did you go? I enjoyed our chats.

Stebby

 

Re: also in love with therapist » stebby

Posted by Pfinstegg on August 27, 2003, at 21:53:26

In reply to Re: also in love with therapist » Pfinstegg, posted by stebby on August 27, 2003, at 20:31:28

Hi stebby! Have fun camping? I noticed that no-one has been posting on either this or the social board lately, so I started a new thread on - transference, of course! I was hoping to hear how things were going with your new therapist, as well as the interesting views that others have been having on that topic. It's got to be the most stressful part of psychotherapy- and it seems to be slightly different for each person.

I think the whole board is slow right now in posting new messages, as mine have not shown up for 24 hours- I feel certain they will, though.

Pfinstegg

 

Re: also in love with therapist

Posted by sweet77 on November 12, 2003, at 3:04:37

In reply to Re: also in love with therapist » Dinah, posted by stebby on August 12, 2003, at 15:55:33

well i have to say that this is crazy i never knew there were other ppl out there that our in love with there therpist cus i am dealin with that now and it is so hard and it hurts i just wish i could tell him i am gald i found this site

 

Re: also in love with therapist » sweet77

Posted by stebby on November 12, 2003, at 8:00:19

In reply to Re: also in love with therapist, posted by sweet77 on November 12, 2003, at 3:04:37

Yes, it is very difficult. I suggest reading "In Session" It helped me a lot to make sense of it all.

 

Re: also in love with therapist

Posted by thewriteone on November 12, 2003, at 22:04:16

In reply to Re: also in love with therapist » Dinah, posted by stebby on August 12, 2003, at 15:55:33

Unbelievable! I really thought I was the only one with this problem. I thought there was something wrong with me. I'm deeply connected (I'm reluctant to say "in love") to my therapist and have also found myself calling her voicemail on occasion. I have talked to her about my feelings, and she seems to willing to talk about just about anything. I feel better now knowing that others are going through the same thing.
I have to say, I'm very impressed that how you guys are able to articulate what you're feeling. I have trouble with that. It's almost as if I don't think in words, but rather thoughts and feelings that have to be translated, which I have a lot of trouble with. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone.

 

Re: A New Breakthrough in the Transference Crisis?

Posted by sweet77 on November 12, 2003, at 22:28:38

In reply to Re: A New Breakthrough in the Transference Crisis? » Morgen, posted by judy1 on July 27, 2003, at 14:15:05

hey ok i see most of all u told ur thrpist .. i havent and the feeling are strong and painful!!!! help ..

 

Re: A New Breakthrough in the Transference Crisis? » sweet77

Posted by Raindancer on November 13, 2003, at 7:53:24

In reply to Re: A New Breakthrough in the Transference Crisis?, posted by sweet77 on November 12, 2003, at 22:28:38

I think it's very important to tell your therapist, who won't be shocked or upset by this. The more of your feelings you can express, the more you can be helped. I love my therapist very dearly and we are ending soon, which i find very hard, but he knows of my feelings and I can talk about them, which helps a lot. He tells me that our therapeutic relationship is very special and that I will be able to carry that with me always. I think in the end you grow stronger, but it is very hard and very painful. All the very best.

 

Re: A New Breakthrough in the Transference Crisis?

Posted by sweet77 on November 14, 2003, at 1:19:09

In reply to Re: A New Breakthrough in the Transference Crisis?, posted by Still Hurting on August 12, 2003, at 1:02:30

omg i so happy to know that i am not the only one who calls my therpist voice mail and looks for his name in the serach engine gggeesssh i thought i was crazy .....has anyone ver tryed to follow there therpist to find out where they live ?

 

Re: A New Breakthrough in the Transference Crisis? » sweet77

Posted by Pfinstegg on November 14, 2003, at 1:45:12

In reply to Re: A New Breakthrough in the Transference Crisis?, posted by sweet77 on November 14, 2003, at 1:19:09

Just look through all the posts on this board- maybe "The Perfect Therapy Patients Club" especially, and you'll see that lots of posters either have, or want to, surf the web, drive by the house, check out the car, get rid of all the other patients- and all sorts of other stuff which I'll leave to your imagination! Want to join the club?

Pfinstegg

PS All of it is normal, and by telling your therapist what you are feeling, you will learn so much about yourself. It will open the way to really getting better.

 

Re: double double quotes » stebby

Posted by Dr. Bob on November 16, 2003, at 6:55:34

In reply to Re: also in love with therapist » sweet77, posted by stebby on November 12, 2003, at 8:00:19

> Yes, it is very difficult. I suggest reading "In Session" It helped me a lot to make sense of it all.

I'd just like to plug the double double quotes feature at this site:

http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#amazon

The first time anyone refers to a book without using this option, I post this to try to make sure he or she at least knows about it. It's just an option, though, and doesn't *have* to be used. If people *choose* not to use it, I'd be interested why not, but I'd like that redirected to Psycho-Babble Administration:

http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20020918/msgs/7717.html

Thanks!

Bob

 

Re: Transference Crisis

Posted by sweet77 on November 17, 2003, at 0:20:47

In reply to Re: Transference Crisis, posted by raven on July 26, 2003, at 23:24:36

i agree ,,, i am in therpy now ,,, i have been in therpy for 3 yrs now i am experincing the transcfernce thing now and it is harder then i ever excepted it to be....i mean no one can tell my feelings arent real i know how i feel... i think the transfernce thing suxz and it shouldnt even have name like that u can fall in love with anyone .. what difference does it make who it is what they do ?? i guess i am just angry cus i dont understand and i am confused please help

 

Re: Transference Crisis » sweet77

Posted by braxton on November 17, 2003, at 19:29:26

In reply to Re: Transference Crisis, posted by sweet77 on November 17, 2003, at 0:20:47

I just want to thank everyone so much for sharing their personal stories about their transference toward their therapists. Four weeks ago my therapist of six months informed me she was terminating our relationship, and tomorrow is our very last session. She gave no reason for terminating, other than she is ending her practice. I asked why she was ending her practice, and she evaded and essentially refused to give me an answer. Prior to therapy, she and I were associates of sorts, and had some very limited social contact with each other and a few phone conversations. I believe we shared a mutual respect and admiration for each other. During our most recent session, she kindly told me that we could not go back to being associates, or having a social relationship, and that she was sad about that, but that it had to be that way. I have been going crazy over the past few weeks and have definitely experienced every single emotion expressed by the folks in this thread. I respect the boundaries, but it does hurt, and I too am very sad. I have spent the last week brooding, and moving to a place of acceptance.

My therapist is around my age (low to mid-30's), very smart, attractive, very professional and takes her job as therapist very seriously. I respect and admire her greatly, and I have been severely mourning the loss of her over the past two weeks. She has never crossed any professional boundaries, and nor have I. I have never told her about my feelings toward her, other than that I respect and admire her, and that I missed having our sessions during her two week vacation.

Recently I began expressing lots of gratitude, that I think about her often and that she has made a big impact on my life, helping me work through my issues. I have not told her how strong those feelings are, nor that I have felt strong urges to experience her outside of the theraputic relationship. I have had one sexually charged dream about her, and I daydream about past and future sessions constantly, especially prior to and just after our sessions.

Anyway, reading the messages have really relieved a lot of anxiety about what I am feeling and has given me the courage to open up and acknowledge some of these feelings of transference with her as we close out tomorrow. Just how much, I do not know. Thank you all for helping me cope with this. I will indeed continue on with my journey of working through my issues regardless of who my therapist is. The information gleaned from this thread, plus other information that I've read in books (I went to three bookstores to find "In Session" -- even though I am a male and the book is about female to male transferance -- and it was not in stock) will make my final session tomorrow less painful.

I am sure I will feel something emotional following our session tomorrow. Hopefully, I will come back to share.

Just last week I was struggling with this alone, but it appears as if my feelings have been very normal -- in fact, almost necessary to the theraputic process.

By the way, is it inappropriate to give my therapist a thank you card at the end of my session? I have thought about giving her a parting gift to express my thanks, but I have since ruled that out. Any thoughts?

 

Re: Transference Crisis » braxton

Posted by Pfinstegg on November 17, 2003, at 21:54:26

In reply to Re: Transference Crisis » sweet77, posted by braxton on November 17, 2003, at 19:29:26

With one session left, I would be a open as possible about the depth of your feelings for her; I think it will help to know that she knows how real and painful your feelings are- she will understand and empathize, I am sure. When you do leave, you want to be able to feel that you are taking something of her with you. You can certainly give her a card, or you can write one after- whatever seems best. You can talk about how you would actually like to say goodbye when the moment comes. It could be a handshake, a hug, a kiss on the cheek- see what seems right after you have talked to her about it. Many therapists do like to know how their patients are doing after termination, so an occasional note might be welcome when you are no longer seeing her.

Pfinstegg

 

Re: Transference Crisis

Posted by braxton on November 17, 2003, at 22:08:49

In reply to Re: Transference Crisis » braxton, posted by Pfinstegg on November 17, 2003, at 21:54:26

Thanks for the response. I will be as honest as I can tomorrow. I know it will be difficult and emotional, and I am nervous. But in the end, my relationship with my therapist was a blessing.

Thanks again.

 

Re: Transference Crisis

Posted by sweet77 on November 18, 2003, at 0:43:18

In reply to Transference Crisis, posted by Morgen on July 26, 2003, at 1:32:04

that is what i dont get how can the feeling not be real??? i am attracted to my therpist ... for what he is .. not for what he has done for me i dont get it

 

Re: Transference Crisis » braxton

Posted by Dinah on November 18, 2003, at 10:12:26

In reply to Re: Transference Crisis » sweet77, posted by braxton on November 17, 2003, at 19:29:26

Sounds like you're handling it in a mature and sensible manner.

I guess it may be too late for me to say this, since today is your appointment. But I think only the most old fashioned therapists would mind a card at the end of therapy. But if you aren't certain, a letter expressing your gratitude and summarizing all you've learned with her couldn't possibly come amiss.

 

Re: Transference Crisis » braxton

Posted by stebby on November 18, 2003, at 10:51:01

In reply to Re: Transference Crisis » sweet77, posted by braxton on November 17, 2003, at 19:29:26

Braxton, I really feel for you. When my first therapist terminated it was more pain than I could bare. You do seem to be handling it in a mature manner. I think a card is definitely appropriate to express your feelings. I'm so sorry that it is happening to you. Interestingly enough, the feelings resurfaced for me eventually with my new therapist, so it seems as if some of us are just prone to this transference thing. Good luck and let us know how today went. My termination is very memorable. By the time I got home I just burst into tears and cried every day for a few weeks. I would be devastated if my new therpapist who I have now been seeing for a year terminated.

 

Re: Transference Crisis

Posted by braxton on November 18, 2003, at 20:52:27

In reply to Re: Transference Crisis » braxton, posted by stebby on November 18, 2003, at 10:51:01

I am in so much pain right now. My final session with my therapist was the shortest hour ever. I feel so sad right now. I expressed my feelings as much as I could, but left some important intimate feelings out. I feel like I just lost a best friend, a girlfriend, a mother, a sister.
Whoa. The feelings are that intense. All said, I know that my therapist knows exactly how this would affect me, based on things that I've shared with her in our sessions. I know that she knows that I would feel this way, and I believe that she genuinely cares about my well being. She would not have done it if she did not believe I could handle it. I know that these feelings will subside in a few days, but for right now it hurts.

 

Re: Transference Crisis » braxton

Posted by Dinah on November 18, 2003, at 21:02:16

In reply to Re: Transference Crisis, posted by braxton on November 18, 2003, at 20:52:27

((((Braxton))))

I think you did wonderfully well. I know it hurts, but it will get better over time. It's wonderful that you have such wonderful memories, not to mention all you've learned, to carry forward with you.

 

Re: Transference Crisis » braxton

Posted by stebby on November 19, 2003, at 6:51:37

In reply to Re: Transference Crisis, posted by braxton on November 18, 2003, at 20:52:27

Braxton, I am so sorry to hear how painful this is for you. I can definitely relate to what you are going through. I still think about my old therapist over a year and a half later. Those feelings are incredibly intense. You seem to have a good outlook about it, but it probably will take some time to recover. It eventually does get better though. Good luck and let us know how you are doing.

 

Re: Transference Crisis

Posted by sadmom on November 19, 2003, at 8:31:12

In reply to Re: Transference Crisis, posted by sweet77 on November 17, 2003, at 0:20:47

I've read the book "In Session" twice now and I still don't understand transference. Can someone explain it to me? I think in terms of black & white - I am a computer professional. I don't think my therapist is my mother or father, whatever. I care about her because of who she is, not a representation of someone in my past. To me the feelings are real, not a psychiatric theory ie - transference. So to me it is very painful, if it's not supposed to be real, because it sure feels real to me.

 

Re: Transference Crisis » sadmom

Posted by lookdownfish on November 19, 2003, at 10:07:47

In reply to Re: Transference Crisis, posted by sadmom on November 19, 2003, at 8:31:12

Hey sadmom

I too am a computer professional! My therapist is always frowning on my need to have everything nice and neat and logical :)

I haven't read "In Session" yet. I will probably get around to it. I get the feeling it's mostly about female patient / male therapist where as I'm female and so's my therapist. I'm totally crazy about her, despite the fact she is at least 20 years older than me and we have absolutely nothing in common.

My feelings are definitely real and can be very intense. I don't think the concept of transference means that the feelings we have are not real. I think it just means we feel the way we do because of things from our past or other areas of our lives. We are transferring our feelings from another relationship. Sometimes, certainly in the case of me and my therapist, this means that the feelings are out of proportion with what actually makes sense.

Transference does not just occur in therapy. If you think about it, almost every relationship involves transference. eg, The way I relate to men has been influenced by the way I learnt to relate my father in early life when I was first learning about how to relate to others. Consequently my relationship with my husband involves some transference. That doesn't mean I don't love him or that the feelings I have are bogus.

Another example of transference is: you have a sh*t day at work and your boss puts you down and blames you for messing something up. You get home and leave your purse on the stairs. Your husband trips over it and says "What's this doing here?" You blow your top because you feel like your being accused all over again. You have transferred your feelings towards your boss to your husband, even though he wasn't accusing you of anything.

But back to therapy, I don't think the therapist has to represent one or other of your parents. I think it's more to do with the feelings you had towards them. We can't remember what it was like being a baby when our parents meant absolutely everything to us, fulfilled all our needs, made us feel totally safe and we would cry when they left the room. That feeling is buried deep in our unconscious mind, but it is pretty powerful and seems to be awakened by the therapeutic situation.

Anyway I've rambled on enough now. Possibly complete rubbish. Let me know what you think.


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