Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 256479

Shown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Grief.

Posted by kara lynne on September 2, 2003, at 21:34:23

I posted this on social, but maybe it applies more here. I don't know. I guess I'm having questions about the therapy as well as the issue.

I went to therapy today. I have been having dreams lately uncovering an excruciating amount of grief. Today my therapist suggested that my unconscious is grieving my perimenopausal state; the reality that I may live this lifetime without the the family I always thought I would have. My nightmare is the loss of my dream.

The session is 45 minutes long. I left with this gaping wound open--out into the world, thank you very much, see you next week, where's my $85. I wonder if maybe I shouldn't even be talking about this at all to a male therapist.

Is there really any life I can have in the face of this grief? He said the options are limited (if I were to have my own child, which is what I really want); artificial insemination or an instant relationship and attempt at having a child, which is highly unlikely.

I'm in no position to pursue having a child at the moment, and I have about 45 biological minutes left to work everything out. Not to mention the idea that I'd have to get off most of my meds, which is in itself a daunting prospect.

I don't want to lose all hope. I know women are having babies later and later in life these days. On the other hand my dreams seem like they know an intolerable grief I am not willing to face. I can't live with that much grief. I don't want to.

And what is the point of uncovering this in a 45 minute session and walking out the door? I feel like calling him to set up another appt. for this week, but I kind of feel stupid about it. Wouldn't he have known to ask me if I wanted to see him sooner? Or is that supposed to be my call?

 

Re: Grief. kara lynne

Posted by underthecs on September 2, 2003, at 21:57:35

In reply to Grief., posted by kara lynne on September 2, 2003, at 21:34:23

Hi. Sorry that you're having a difficult time. And thanks for sharing.

Please don't feel "stupid" for scheduling another appointment if you need to do that. You're the ultimate authority on you and what you need.

I sometimes go 2 or 3 times a week when I am having a hard time. My therapist never asks if I want another session, but just lets me know he is always available if I need him. So I guess it is up to us to ask for help when we need it.

Hope this helps. Hang in there.

 

Re: Grief.

Posted by Tabitha on September 3, 2003, at 1:02:43

In reply to Re: Grief. kara lynne, posted by underthecs on September 2, 2003, at 21:57:35

Hi karalynne. I agree with 'underthecs' advice, if you need another session don't hesitate to schedule it. For a while I was probably using 3 per week, including phone sessions.

Would it help to share with him your fear that as a male he won't fully understand what you're going through?

 

Re: Grief. kara lynne

Posted by Penny on September 3, 2003, at 7:41:42

In reply to Grief., posted by kara lynne on September 2, 2003, at 21:34:23

Hi Kara Lynne.

I was having trouble wrapping things up in therapy in the 45 minute allotment, so I told my therapist that I needed to end the session on an 'up' note. At the end of the session, if it's a difficult one, we stop about 5 minutes early and try to tie together some loose ends, so I'm not left with the gaping wound to head out into the world.

Another thought - would it help for you to just talk briefly to your T instead of going to see him for an entire session? Sometimes a 5-10 minute phone call from my T is all I need to refocus and get grounded again.

At the same time, there's absolutely nothing wrong with asking for another appointment. My current therapist sees me 2 times a week, though my former therapist only saw me once a week, even when I felt like I needed more sessions. Probably an insurance thing in that case, though.

As for the baby thing - I'm sure others have mentioned it before - but have you thought about adoption? At this point in my life, I'm not sure I will ever meet the 'right' person to have my family with, so I'm planning to look at alternative ways of having children when the time comes. We can't force circumstances - it's not your fault that you haven't found the right relationship with someone you would want to have a baby with, and perhaps you haven't been in a secure enough place emotionally yet to have a child. But that doesn't mean you can never have children.

I used to think that I would never feel fulfilled unless I had my husband, 2.5 kids and the little house with a picket fence - but now I know that sometimes things don't work out the way we might initially want them to, but you have to try to look at it as maybe there's a reason. (Mind you, I'm not religious, but do, on my better days, feel like there is a purpose to all of this that we are going through.) Perhaps there is some little child, maybe not even born yet, who is destined to have you as his or her mother. Perhaps with your life experiences and the strength you've gained through your trials, you will be able to be a better mother than you ever thought possible, just not perhaps in the way you originally imagined.

I apologize if I've overstepped my boundaries on this one. It just sounds like you're in a lot of pain over this, and I hope you can forgive yourself for things not working out the way you would've liked.

Best to you.
P

 

Re: Grief. kara lynne

Posted by Dinah on September 3, 2003, at 8:29:33

In reply to Grief., posted by kara lynne on September 2, 2003, at 21:34:23

My therapist always says to ask for what I need. If he can give it he will, if he can't he'll say no. But that he won't know unless I ask.

But it's very hard for me nonetheless, because I have an easily triggered fear of rejection. Still, I'm trying.

This is a big change. Last time I heard, you were having trouble with this therapist's confrontational style. It seems like you now feel like he is someone who can help you with your feelings? That's a big step forward. Is it going better with him?

 

Re: Grief.

Posted by Rigby on September 3, 2003, at 12:04:26

In reply to Re: Grief. kara lynne, posted by Dinah on September 3, 2003, at 8:29:33

Dealing with the whole motherhood, biological clock, fertility situation is absolutely brutal--whether you had 45 minutes or 450 minutes these issues are incredibly difficult. I spent about a year and a half without a therapist both trying to get pregnant (insemination), looking into adoption and also juggling the idea of *not* being a mom. The journey is very painful *but* no matter what happens you will not regret taking the journey. Just confronting having or not having children in and of itself is really important--you don't want to wake up at 60 and wonder what happened. There are alot of books out there on adoption and also on living child-free. Also, I found that my healthcare provider had fertility support groups so that helped. There may also be a child-free support group too. Given that time is so expensive with a therapist I'd cast a wider net for support and information. And best to you on this--I totally feel for you--it's a very painful journey.

 

Re: Grief. Penny

Posted by kara lynne on September 3, 2003, at 14:07:21

In reply to Re: Grief. kara lynne, posted by Penny on September 3, 2003, at 7:41:42

Hi Penny,
Thank you so much for saying it's not my fault. I didn't realize how much I was feeling that way until you said it. Your post gave me a moment of hope, something I haven't felt in a long time.

As for the therapy, I guess I'll just 'talk about it next week'. I didnt' realize 45 minutes was the norm these days--just enough time to get warmed up and have to leave. I'm new with this guy so I'm struggling with wanting to leave altogether or make the relationship stronger--if that's possible. I have not called him yet outside the office, and he hasn't made himself available for that. Except in his office forms where he makes it clear that anything over 10 minutes on the phone and you're charged for a full office visit. That's the part of therapy that feels so de-humanizing to me, even though I know therapists need their boundaries. But I'm not sure yet whether this guy knows that I'm feeling so needy, or is equipped to deal with it considering this style of therapy--the shorter term CBT (I guess it's CBT although I have to ask).

Thanks again.

 

Re: Grief./ Rigby

Posted by kara lynne on September 3, 2003, at 14:45:02

In reply to Re: Grief., posted by Rigby on September 3, 2003, at 12:04:26

-Dealing with the whole motherhood, biological clock, fertility situation is absolutely brutal-

You got that right. I just want to thank you for your post--knowing there are people who can relate and understand helps a great deal. I will look into those support groups.

 

Re: Grief./ Dinah

Posted by kara lynne on September 3, 2003, at 14:49:10

In reply to Re: Grief. kara lynne, posted by Dinah on September 3, 2003, at 8:29:33

Hi dinah,

You know, I thought it was going better after I talked to him about his style and how I felt about it. I guess I'm still getting to know him. I don't feel a great connection, but I'm not sure there isn't something there for me to learn.

How's that for the most double negative, dubious vote of semi-confidence?

 

Re: Grief. kara lynne

Posted by fallsfall on September 3, 2003, at 22:07:29

In reply to Re: Grief./ Dinah, posted by kara lynne on September 3, 2003, at 14:49:10

Kara,

I'm so sorry that you are so sad. (((((Kara)))))

I was in my mid-20s when the need to have a baby hit me. I was married, soon to buy a house. I didn't want to wait, but I knew that I should put in a couple of years in my new career (I was just finishing my BA). I was in agony trying to decide whether to work or get pregnant. Agony.

Your situation is more difficult and complicated. I can't imagine living through that. It is so hard to look at the choices that we have when the emotions run so high.

45 minutes isn't very long. It's very short. Sometimes I have found that journalling on a subject helps me to clarify what the issues are and how I feel about them. I don't really come to a conclusion most of the time, but at least I am clearer on the issues. Something like this might help you make more efficient use of your session time. [This technique does reduce spontaneity, but it really helps me feel less panicked because things are out of control.]

The idea of talking with other people has a lot of merit. There have been times when I've had questions like "How does everybody else do ...?". Take a survey. Think of all of the people you know who would have a valid opinion, and ask them. It amazed me how differently people saw the same issue. It gave me an idea of what the range of solutions could be, and also what some of the pros and cons were. People were almost always honored to be asked.

Search on the internet for papers, boards, or whatever that are relevant. I usually think that the more information I have about something the better my decision will be. After a while, though, everything sounds the same and it gets boring. That's when you can stop.

Can you ask for another session? Yes. Of course. The worst that will happen is that he will say no. And that's no worse than where you are now.

The grief is strong because this is important. And you will make the right decision for you.

 

Re: Grief.

Posted by kara lynne on September 4, 2003, at 16:35:14

In reply to Re: Grief. kara lynne, posted by fallsfall on September 3, 2003, at 22:07:29

Hi fallsfall,
I just wanted to thank you for your care and understanding--I really feel like you do understand this. I was talking about it yesterday and that was the word I used--agony. That is truly how this feels. And when you say that the grief is strong because this is important--somehow that puts it in a different perspective.

Right now I'm livid because I just got an email from the board where I have to take my upcoming exam--they are doing everything they can not to give me special accomodations (extra time). But they've made me go through hoops documenting my depression and telling me that that doesn't qualify as a learning disability. I didn't get the forms in on time describing anxiety disorder and how that affects focus and concentration, and frankly I don't want to be further humiliated. Sorry to go off topic but I just got the email while I was typing this! It was so full of beaurocratic, argumentative language it made my heart race. So much for the human element.

And back to the topic, I think I will try to journal as you suggested. It is always helpful and I so seldom do it. I'm waiting for inspiration, which in my current circumstances may never come. I have to push myself and (hopefully) the inspiration, or at least a little insight may follow.

Funny that Dr.Bob just added the Grief room after I posted this here.

Thanks again (((fallsfall)))

 

Re: Grief. Tabitha

Posted by kara lynne on September 4, 2003, at 16:38:01

In reply to Re: Grief., posted by Tabitha on September 3, 2003, at 1:02:43

I think I will share that with him. But I also want to be open to the opportunity to work out some of my issues with the male gender. I'm not sure if this would be a good way to do that though; this might be one I have to talk about with other women.

 

Re: Grief. (above Tabitha for fallsfall!) (nm)

Posted by kara lynne on September 4, 2003, at 19:20:02

In reply to Re: Grief., posted by kara lynne on September 4, 2003, at 16:35:14

 

Re: Grief.

Posted by Dr. Bob on September 4, 2003, at 23:23:51

In reply to Re: Grief., posted by kara lynne on September 4, 2003, at 16:35:14

> Funny that Dr.Bob just added the Grief room after I posted this here.

Feel free, of course, to post something there if you'd like to focus more on that aspect of this...

Bob


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