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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by FeelingDown on April 29, 2003, at 10:08:55
I'm just looking for some advice really, i dont see myself as completely mental but my standard of life has most certainly degraded over the past 2 years (well to be honest the past 4 years). For some time now i've felt majorly depressed and paranoid I try to cover it up and it seems that nobody else notices and people still want to be my friend but I still have thoughts that people think that i am stupid.
Its all my own fault though. From about the age of 16 (i'm 22 now) to the age of 20 i smoked lots and lots of weed, i know this is a bad thing and i regret it so much now but at the time all my friends were doing it. That was not too much of a problem until one of my friends started to go out and take exstacy. I stayed off them for at least a year (whilst all my friends were taking them) but then i finally surcombed and took one.. it was fabulous. This then carried on for around 18 months until i went to a night with a friend that i had just met. We took some Exstacy and i know i shouldn't have done b/c i was feeling rather down and slightly paranoid from the night before. Anyway (sorry this is going on a bit) i went out dressed up and i was looking rather gay (i dont usually wear them kind of clothes but i wanted to impress my new friend) and started feeling rather self-concious , well i suppose that was an understatement i was totally self-concious.. i finally managed to leave everyone and went home. Whilst i was laying in bed i was sure i could hear people outside saying that they wanted to beat me (this i convinced myself was because i came home with a girl that they fancied and i was, to them at least "gay"). the next day we came home (sorry did i say that we were away on a w/end trip) and i felt terrible all day i had an incesant ringing in my ears and this lasted for about 2 weeks. i also kept having really vivid dreams.
This was all about 2 years ago now, and i've been living with depression and slight paranoia ever since. I think its a double wammy here; i suffer from slight depression and this causes my to frown (and when i'm not feeling depressed i have a lovely smile so this gets me down too).. the frowning makes me self-concious which brings on the feelings of paranoia.
It fucking sucks, i just want to get back to how my life was before i started screwing around with drugs. I remember my parents saying to me "dont touch them, you're better than that. And that auntie Lisa (she was diagnosed as being schizopherenic about 8/9 years ago) is not very well and its in the genes so dont play around with that kind of thing". I didn't listen did I and now I feel like i'm paying for my previous mistakes.
Oh god i could go on forever about what i've been thinking for the past 2 years. to sum it up though i guess i feel totally wrapped up in my own world, only thinking about myself and what others think of me.. i want my confidence back and i want to smile again.
Sorry for being so boring but i do feel better now i've let all that out... if you dont mind i may post again... this at least feels like i'm talking to someone... its rather a taboo in my house ad#nd around my friends, apart from my friend harri who too has boughts of depression but i find when i talk to him he makes me feel down.
anyway enough said. thanks for listening
Posted by nilla on April 29, 2003, at 12:39:27
In reply to Just not me anymore. , posted by FeelingDown on April 29, 2003, at 10:08:55
I completely feel you.. I feel as though I've lost myself somewhere along the way. I toyed with drugs too but my downward spiral was in effect way before drugs played a factor. If anything, they helped alleviate the depression a bit.. Granted, the day after sucked but still.. the memories were great...
I'm not really sure what to suggest... I'm still waiting for a light at the end of the tunnel myself.. All I can do is suggest that we are both glad we are alive and healthy... It's not easy to focus on the little good things but we've got to since it seems like they are all we have..
*hug*
Posted by fayeroe on April 29, 2003, at 14:49:21
In reply to Just not me anymore. , posted by FeelingDown on April 29, 2003, at 10:08:55
you can talk to me any time that you wish. my daughters and sons did some of the same things and they are perfectly fine now. so, i'm here and you're not crazy. have you gone to a doc or a therapist and confided in them? please do. and stay on here. nilla and i will stay with you. okay? please post again. fayeroe
Posted by fayeroe on April 29, 2003, at 14:51:58
In reply to Re: Just not me anymore. » FeelingDown, posted by nilla on April 29, 2003, at 12:39:27
hey! being glad that you are alive in a huge part of recovery. i'm here for you and will always respond to your posts...if you want me to. i have to take an anti-depressant and i understand depression very well. i'm in the midst of a huge life trauma now but i'm alive and that is what is great! i'm 59 and can't find a job. but i know that if i keep trying, something good will happen. please keep posting. fayeroe
Posted by FeelingDown on April 29, 2003, at 16:14:55
In reply to Re: Just not me anymore. » nilla, posted by fayeroe on April 29, 2003, at 14:51:58
i'm so glad i've found this site. I've been needing some kind words for a long time now and didn't really know were to look. Thanks so much for your kind words. *hugs back*
I guess the best idea would be to see a doctor about it but to be honest i fear what he may tell me. Like i said there is a history of psychological ilness in my family, i've not had suicidal thoughts or anything but dont doctors have a duty to keep the public safe? I have this fear of being put on drugs and hospitalised or something and then really screwing my head up.
Having said that i am so desperate to sort this out and i think one of the main problems is that I used to be a grade A student that had a mememory like not many others but over the past years because my mind has been so pre-occupied thinking about what people are thinking of me and being depressed and self-centered I cant seem to remember anything. This then leads to me being crap at conversing with others and having once had a wicked sense of humour I only shine every so often and this really gets me down. I know i can be confident again as i have episodes every now and again but when i wake up in the morning feeling crap again having felt great for a few days it really pisses me off frankly. Why cant i just keep it for a few more days???
Do you think that anti-depresants would help this? I think for one if i was happy i would then lose some of the paranoia that really is holding me back from realising my full potential and i'm sure i still have what it takes to form good relationships.
anyway, like i said thanks for all your positive feedback i really appreciate it. Hell i even got a smile on my face as i finish this post!
thanks again. ;)
Posted by fayeroe on April 29, 2003, at 19:28:29
In reply to Re: Just not me anymore., posted by FeelingDown on April 29, 2003, at 16:14:55
i take an anti-depressant or i would not be here posting to you now!!!!! i completely believe in the chemical inbalance theory.......and i was very unbalanced for years. my husband said "it's in your head"........duh?????????? so, go see a doctor. i seriously doubt that you'll get put in the hospital. but just seeing someone who deals with us will help you!! even an internest can help you.........a psych, a psychologist, a therapist..........a minister.......us........you've made the right choice!!!! xoxoxoxo
Posted by fayeroe on April 29, 2003, at 19:35:03
In reply to Re: Just not me anymore., posted by FeelingDown on April 29, 2003, at 16:14:55
if i were you, i'd stay close to this site and not spend too much time on social and administrative.....you'll learn alot here and get serious support....and i know the wrath of the other two boards is going to fall on me and i may get banned..........but i've been banned before for speaking my mind. if you want to, go to hopeflguy@yahoo.com and we can talk there more openly.....there's about 8 of us there.....we left here pretty much because we needed more freedom.........fayeroe
Posted by fayeroe on April 29, 2003, at 19:39:39
In reply to Re: Just not me anymore., posted by FeelingDown on April 29, 2003, at 16:14:55
i gave you an e.mail address. go to the subject line address if you want to. register and then you can talk all you want...scream, holler, cry and rant and rave and not be censored.
Posted by elisha on April 30, 2003, at 10:28:43
In reply to Just not me anymore. , posted by FeelingDown on April 29, 2003, at 10:08:55
There is a concept that sleep is like one sixteith of death. This may sound a little morbid but hear me out. When a person goes to sleep at night he is actually dying and when he wakes up he has been born again and has a fresh new start at life! Don't view the fact that you did drugs as a stain that won't go away but rather use the knowledge that you have gained from the experience to help yourself and others be more successfull in life.
all the best and lots of luck
Posted by Eddie Sylvano on April 30, 2003, at 15:50:10
In reply to Re: Just not me anymore., posted by FeelingDown on April 29, 2003, at 16:14:55
> i'm so glad i've found this site. I've been needing some kind words for a long time now and didn't really know were to look. Thanks so much for your kind words. *hugs back*
---------------This is a good place for comisseration.
> I guess the best idea would be to see a doctor about it but to be honest i fear what he may tell me. Like i said there is a history of psychological ilness in my family, i've not had suicidal thoughts or anything but dont doctors have a duty to keep the public safe? I have this fear of being put on drugs and hospitalised or something and then really screwing my head up.
----------------It takes a lot of resources to keep people in hospitals and mental wards. Only the truly dangerous or those who can't take care of themselves are hospitalized. For that matter, it's been my experience that doctors usually tend to trivialize your problems, and not exaggerate them.
>I know i can be confident again as i have episodes every now and again but when i wake up in the morning feeling crap again having felt great for a few days it really pisses me off frankly. Why cant i just keep it for a few more days???
--------------It's a common lament around here. We all know what we're capable of when functioning well, which makes it all the more frustrating to have days where all you can do is sit and stare.
> Do you think that anti-depresants would help this? I think for one if i was happy i would then lose some of the paranoia that really is holding me back from realising my full potential and i'm sure i still have what it takes to form good relationships.
----------------"You" haven't really changed, but your brain's daily functioning has. The goal is to figure out what it's doing (diagnosis) and what will alleviate the problem (prescriptions or therapy). If you can come to a good solution, you'll hopefully feel "normal" again.
For serious disorders (such as you've described), I feel like drugs are the best option, and the right drug can be an immediate lesson in the nature of your disorder (i.e. it's chemical). Drugs can't cure psychological neuroses.
> anyway, like i said thanks for all your positive feedback i really appreciate it. Hell i even got a smile on my face as i finish this post!
------------Good deal. Keep posting!
Posted by FeelingDown on May 2, 2003, at 20:17:04
In reply to Re: Just not me anymore. » FeelingDown, posted by Eddie Sylvano on April 30, 2003, at 15:50:10
...when you say drugs cant cure psychological neuroses do you mean that certain things that i've "decided" whilst not feeling correct in the head will become permenant?
I've been slightly worried about this for a while... sometimes i think things that i know are just not me thinking them.. but of course they are me thinking them cause it is me... but its not really me becuase i'm only thinking these things because i have a chemical imbalance.. shit these are the unanswerable questions that get my head screwing all the time. I just wanna take a pill that shuts all this mumbo jumbo out and lets me think staight.
Sometimes i just wish i was dead stupid and didn't have a brain that could analyse then maybe i wouldn't even ask these questions of myself... fuck*sighs*
Posted by noa on May 21, 2003, at 18:14:55
In reply to Re: Just not me anymore., posted by FeelingDown on May 2, 2003, at 20:17:04
If you are at risk of mental illness (family predisposition), and you have been experiencing some symptoms, it sounds like, think of treatment this way: the earlier the better. For example left untreated, depression actually can change the brain and make it more likely to have more frequent and more severe episodes as time goes on.
And, you are young, so that is in your favor--get the information you need, and make choices about treatment options that will work for you. You have lots of good years ahead of you! So many of us wish we had gotten help earlier, like at your age, or that the range of treatment options available now had been available to us back then.
BTW, I believe that you can only be hospitalized if you are actively an imminent danger to your self or others. Other than that, you are an adult and free to make decisions about the course of treatment. I think it is a good idea to look into the options.
Medication and therapy has helped me a lot. I probably wouldn't be here to post this without the help I've gotten from both meds and therapy.
Oh, and please don't berate yourself for past drug use, etc. All that self-criticism is just adding to the burden, no? Just try to commit to taking the best care of yourself from now on that you can manage.
Take care.
This is the end of the thread.
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