Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 488

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Thanks all for posting. I will find a way to live. » Mark H.

Posted by bookgurl99 on July 2, 2002, at 0:32:03

In reply to Re: Got any effective methods for averting suicide?, posted by Mark H. on July 1, 2002, at 23:52:24

The situation that makes me depressed has been incredibly hard. I had a stroke-like onset of strange symptoms 4 mos. ago that dr's have not been able to explain. I've lost cognition, intelligence, concentration, and memory. It's been really frightening, partly because I think it is caused by a rare, chronic illness. (I never worried about illness prior to this, btw. I'm not a hypochondriac.)

To complicate matters, my parents have been really unsupportive, implying that my symptoms are the result of anxiety (I've been treated for moderate anxiety) and an overall mental instability that -- to them -- is caused by my being a lesbian. So, if these symptoms had happened instead in my married sister, they would have considered them to be organic in nature.

Meanwhile, my close friends, my roommates, and even my therapist all notice a change in my mental status.

I've been quite upset over it, as you can imagine. (I've had numerous exams to find the cause, nothing yet. I'm asking for a SPECT scan that would reveal if there is depressed brain activity due to an organic cause, but I expect a _fight_ because I look so normal. My mother is coming with me to the dr. to testify to the change in my abilities.) Where I once had a healthy mind, I now find confusion at times.

(For those wondering, I think my symptoms may be caused by Hashimoto's encaphalopathy, which in rare cases coincides with Hashimoto's thyroiditis, which I have. There is a treatment for it, and many of the symptoms are reversible if treated in time.)

Because I had a certain mindset and identity, it's hard to imagine a future with a smaller IQ and virtually no short-term memory. It is also easy to rail against God, fate, and the universe for making me one of the miniscule percentage of people on earth who end up with brain damage (mild tho' it may be) after spending most of my life as gifted.

So, I've been feeling quite hopeless, scared, and angry.

But I have promised myself that I have to fight to get adequate treatment and try to heal. I have a partner who cares about me, and can learn to enjoy life again once I'm better.

 

Re: I Will Find a Way to Live » bookgurl99

Posted by Mark H. on July 2, 2002, at 1:04:08

In reply to Thanks all for posting. I will find a way to live. » Mark H., posted by bookgurl99 on July 2, 2002, at 0:32:03

I wish you could read your extremely intelligent, compelling, honest, thoughtful and very well written reply through my eyes. You are still very much gifted, dear Bookgurl, exquisitely so.

You may be spot-on about the Hashimoto's encephalopathy, or you may be experiencing the violence of full-blown depression, which also causes catastrophic declines in intellectual acumen, memory, confidence, speech -- everything! When I was your age, people would sometimes think I was stoned because my speech was slurred and I (the normally outgoing garrulous clown) would become so clumsy and stupid and self-conscious that I wanted to hide under the table. I cannot COUNT the number of nights in my life of 52 years that I lay awake crying uncontrollably and asking "What's WRONG with me?" Depression can rob you of the ability to read, to concentrate, to remember what you did 15 minutes ago (and forget last week or last month). It is a disease as serious and as dangerous as the organic possibilities you mentioned. Whatever the cause, it has absolutely NOTHING to do with your sexual orientation! Your parents sound like they're stuck in the early 1960s.

I admire your courage and willingness to find a way to live, whatever problems you have with your health. I admire your perseverance in seeking out every possible medical explanation for what you are experiencing. You are fortunate to have a supportive partner. There are many ways to be gifted. You are so much more than just a smart person, Bookgurl.

Mark H.

 

awesome suggestions, mark h!

Posted by hrtlm on July 2, 2002, at 3:37:49

In reply to Re: Got any effective methods for averting suicide?, posted by Mark H. on July 1, 2002, at 23:52:24

i really like the part about making up your bed, taking a shower, and taking care of yourself the same way that someone who really loved you would do - very impressive


> My psychiatrist lets me keep Zyprexa on hand for times that are particularly tough for me. Sometimes after taking it (and subsequently getting 12 to 14 hours sleep and waking up feeling comparatively cheerful and renewed), I wonder why the heck I wait so long to take it sometimes.
>
> In years past, decades before my bipolar depression was diagnosed or treated, I'd be on the verge of doing something that I knew was wrong, and I'd "put myself to bed" instead -- that is, I'd take a shower, make my bed, put on some comforting music, take a couple of Valium, and go to bed early in the evening. At the time, I didn't have a partner to help take care of me, and I had to give myself the comfort, protection and support that I needed. It was as though I were two different people: a lonely and despondent person suffering from debilitating depression, and a wise person who knew I needed to be treated especially well until the worst of it passed. (And that may be the most important thing to remember: that however bad everything seems when we're in the black hole of depression, it is ever-changing whether we feel like it is or not.)
>
> And if it gets so bad that you fear you can no longer help or protect yourself, then pick up the phone and tell a real person that you need some help to keep from killing yourself. It can be a police dispatcher, a mental health clinic, a telephone operator, a friend or family member who has volunteered to help you, your family doctor, your minister or a suicide prevention hotline worker. But don't settle for a recording or leaving a message on an answering machine!
>
> Just as you find yourself planning your suicide during times of despondency and despair, please plan your survival during periods of relative reprieve. Make a list of the people you'll call, with their names (or positions) and telephone numbers, and keep the list in your possession or by the phone. In most communities, there is a mental health facility that accepts in-patients for at least 72 hours (3 days) -- find out if they accept self-referrals in the middle of the night. Talk to your doctor about what you should do, and write it down for later use.
>
> I have a friend who keeps a little suitcase packed for himself and ready to go -- it's his safety net. He knows if it gets too bad at any hour of the day or night, he will grab his pre-packed bag with clean clothes and a toilet kit and head for the local in-patient facility rather than giving into self-destructive despair. He has made a written plan with his doctor and his familiy to get the help he needs when he needs it.
>
> Plan to live, to reach out, to rescue yourself or let others rescue you when your illness feels like it is spiraling out of your control. If you feel like giving in, then give in instead to letting yourself be helped. In the depths of despair, we feel as though it will never change. At those times, we need notes to ourselves to bolster our faith. The goal when we're at the bottom is just to make it through the next few hours, the next few days.
>
> One last technique I have for self-survival: Think about the inconvenience to your neighbors. Think about how awful it would be for the person who found your body. Think about the poor person who would have to clean up the mess or move your body and zip it into a body bag, carry it away. Think about the horrible guilt that friends, co-workers and family members would feel. Think about how awful it would be for everybody, and how long it would take you to put everything in order first, how much work it would take to do it responsibly. Just the thought of so much work wears me out when I'm depressed and helps to buy me some time.
>
> Thank you for your forthrightness in asking for help. That's a good, healthy sign that the life force in you is strong, even as another part of you would take it away forever. Even if it seems at times that your life has no purpose whatsoever, consider the possiblity that your endurance and survival can help lead others out of a similar darkness. Your job is to survive, to stay open to the possibility of your life improving, and by NOT killing yourself, to provide hope for others who suffer as you do, now and in the future.
>
> With kind regards,
>
> Mark H.

 

Re: I Will Find a Way to Live

Posted by bookgurl99 on July 2, 2002, at 8:27:01

In reply to Re: I Will Find a Way to Live » bookgurl99, posted by Mark H. on July 2, 2002, at 1:04:08

Mark, thanks for your sweet note. :D

I just wanted to say that one of the frustrating aspects of h.e. -- if I do have it -- is that the people who have it know they're in decline, but still test well on intelligence tests. I know one woman who's had it for 2 years -- she said dr's didn't believe her either, because she was so smart to begin with that with a 20% reduction in brain activity, she still functioned normally.

It's such a mythology that people with some form of organic dementia will be severely confused. Your confusion can come in a really mild form. (Momentarily not recognizing places you've been before, trouble learnign new things, etc.)

I would believe that this was psychological -- and maybe some of it is, in response to the stress of the illness -- if it were not for the fact that I basically woke up with my symptoms. They were not increasingly severe in onset, and in fact my life was going really well at the time. They just showed up.

So, it's tough. I go to the hospital. Doctors assume I'm depressed, because I was treated for depression 7 years ago. I was misdiagnosed with OCD 3 years ago (relabeled w/ severe anxiety), and there's a subset of OCD folk who worry about rare illness.

Do not _ever_ come down with a 'physical' illness while in treatment for 'mental' illness. Doctors behave as though one will protect us from the other. What they don't seem to ask is whether the two could be related.

Anyways, I am off to the endocrinologist today to talk about the possibility of h.e. I hope she considers my plea.

Thanks,

bookgurl99

 

Re: I Will Find a Way to Live (Willow)

Posted by kiddo on July 2, 2002, at 10:37:59

In reply to Re: I Will Find a Way to Live, posted by bookgurl99 on July 2, 2002, at 8:27:01

(Sorry to post under Kiddo's name.)

BookGurl

Have you considered treating your fear that you have an illness first, which perhaps could be showing your anxiety?

Just one of my many thoughts. There would be no harm done, right?

Whispering Willow

 

Re: Got any effective methods for averting suicide? » bookgurl99

Posted by ShelliR on July 2, 2002, at 11:32:29

In reply to Got any effective methods for averting suicide?, posted by bookgurl99 on July 1, 2002, at 20:25:08

> This weekend I felt compelled to write out a plan. I'm not going to let myself carry it out, but still. Any good ways to stop the thoughts?

Along with that plan, could you write out another plan? This sometimes works for me. I write all the things I have not yet tried for my depression: the medication, type of therapy, people to spend time with who make me feel better, etc.

This list serves to balance the other list. Not a cheery, gooey list, but a real plan of possible medical and psychiatric resources: things that might work to alieviate your depression.
When I do that list, I realize that I am not at the end of the line; there are still options left that I haven't tried. So it is not the time to give up.

Shelli

 

Re: I Will Find a Way to Live » bookgurl99

Posted by Mark H. on July 2, 2002, at 16:54:11

In reply to Re: I Will Find a Way to Live, posted by bookgurl99 on July 2, 2002, at 8:27:01

Bookgurl,

I think it is important and entirely responsible for you to explore the possibility of an endocrinological basis for your symptoms. I know a professional woman whose personality very gradually deteriorated until few people could remember whether she had always been so "out of it." Her health continued to fail while she was traveling overseas, and it was fortunate that a French physician -- sensitive to different causes than most American physicians -- immediately recognized her on sight as having Graves' disease and sent her home for treatment and rest. Within less than a year, she had fully recovered her strength, sanity and good health. Her regular physicians here -- and this woman had been a Hospice nurse with extensive connections in the medical community -- had completely missed it.

My advisor in college experienced something similar. Whether because she was exceptionally brilliant or despite it, her doctors kept giving her tranquilizers and telling her she was just being neurotic. A good internist finally took her seriously and located a perished ectopic pregnancy that had been producing potentially life-threatening toxins.

For some of us, the answer never comes. What the field of medicine doesn't know is still far larger than what it does know, and it is frighteningly easy at times to discover its limits. At those times, we must find our own ways to endure and adapt.

I very much admire your courage and spirit.

Please keep us posted.

Best wishes,

Mark H.

 

Re: I Will Find a Way to Live (Willow)

Posted by Vanessa on July 2, 2002, at 17:13:27

In reply to Re: I Will Find a Way to Live (Willow), posted by kiddo on July 2, 2002, at 10:37:59

There were 2 things I did when I was horribly depressed and often suicidal for 3 long years:
#1 I'd call a friend who had seen me in the depths, and hung on tight. I knew she couldn't relieve the pain, but she gave me a safe place
to cling to (kinda like a friend helping a woman in labor); #2 I took a risperdal. It didn't stop the pain, but it definitely took the edge off so I didn't feel so desperate and ready to jump ship.
I only started using risperdal after about a year and a half of depression; I wish I had had it from the beginning. It soothed things a bit, without making me feel drugged. I hope these suggestions and those from others help. Deep depression can be hell. Take care.

 

Re: I Will Find a Way to Live (Willow)

Posted by bookgurl99 on July 2, 2002, at 21:22:43

In reply to Re: I Will Find a Way to Live (Willow), posted by kiddo on July 2, 2002, at 10:37:59

Willow,

Y'know, the thing is, I am living with these symptoms. It was the symptoms themselves that led to the belief that I am ill. I have been treated like shit by doctors that started with the _assumption_that it was all psychological.

The thing is, people around me can see my loss of intellect. Even my therapist confirms that there has been a change in me. And I never had a stroke, drug use, alcohol use, or an accident to explain it.

I have tried in the last 4 months to _assume_ that the illness is psychological, but the memory loss is getting so much worse.

So yeah, I've thought of treating the anxiety.

 

Re: Got any effective methods for averting suicide?

Posted by bookgurl99 on July 2, 2002, at 21:25:09

In reply to Re: Got any effective methods for averting suicide? » bookgurl99, posted by ShelliR on July 2, 2002, at 11:32:29

Thanks for the list suggestion.

In an effort to direct my energies more positively, I picked up a book today on healing mild brain injuries. (I did not have a brain injury, but have similar symptoms, so I figured it would help.) It has lots of suggestions for activities on healing the brain. So I guess, in addition to purusing adequate treatment, I can try the activities in the book.

I will make a list. :D

Thanks., :D

 

Re: I Will Find a Way to Live » Mark H.

Posted by bookgurl99 on July 2, 2002, at 21:38:02

In reply to Re: I Will Find a Way to Live » bookgurl99, posted by Mark H. on July 2, 2002, at 16:54:11

Mark,

I just had a horrid day. The endo I saw, without being aware of my symptoms or what I've been through, told me that my symptoms are caused by anxiety. She doesn't believe that h.e. exists, calling it a 'flavor of the week.' (This despite the fact that there are several cases similar to mine in the medical literature.)

My psychiatrist believes me, and my therapist believes me that something organic is going on. (Or at least have led me to think so.) Why can't these doctors talk to each other?

But I am going to try to get a G.P. that my mother is very close to, to order a SPECT scan for me, which will show if I _do_ have lowered brain activity. This way I can rule it out if it is not the cause, and start treatment if it is.

I have wanted to kill myself, but now I can't just because I can't give a jerk like her the satisfaction of writing me off as a nutcase.

bookgurl99

 

Jack Dreyfus and Dilantin » bookgurl99

Posted by Phil on July 3, 2002, at 6:57:52

In reply to Re: I Will Find a Way to Live » Mark H., posted by bookgurl99 on July 2, 2002, at 21:38:02

A pretty remarkable story of a very successful, the Dreyfus Fund, gentleman who became very depressed in his mid 40's.
It was the late 1950's and his doctors weren't getting anywhere. Dreyfus had a dream about electricity and electrical impulses in the body. He asked his doctor for Dilantin and was virtually back to normal almost immediately. He didn't have any problem with side effects and has stayed well on the med for decades.
He quit two very successful businesses to devote his time to research and to get the word out to doctors around the world. I saw a university that had a Jack Dreyfus Chair in psychiatry.
Not saying to take Dilantin, obviously, but gut instinct is our best guide.
And, it's a pretty motivating story. Mr. Dreyfus was a pre-Babbler, pointing out to his doctor that he thought it would work. His doctor agreed. Out of 10,000 meds, he chose Dilantin.
The rest is history.
I think we owe it to ourselves to find doctors who listen, who don't blow us off, and don't look at us like we're crazy when we have a 'feeling' about a treatment. I think this story illustrates that we all have hope of finding our way.

Good Luck Bookgurl

Phil

 

Re: Jack Dreyfus and Dilantin

Posted by bookgurl99 on July 4, 2002, at 15:32:08

In reply to Jack Dreyfus and Dilantin » bookgurl99, posted by Phil on July 3, 2002, at 6:57:52

Phil,

thanks for your note.

I do have a 'feeling' about this, particularly because the people around me confirm my symptoms.

Today I contacted the University of Chicago hospital system. They have a doctor/professor who studies immune system-central nervous system interactions, and may be able to help me out. I think that I may be one of the lucky ones, if I just hang on a bit longer. :D

It's really scary to lose cognition, but I can fight my way back --

bookgurl99

 

Re: Zyprexa too » bookgurl99

Posted by Zo on July 5, 2002, at 16:28:42

In reply to Got any effective methods for averting suicide?, posted by bookgurl99 on July 1, 2002, at 20:25:08


I asked my pdoc, who knows meds inside out, the best thing to stop a tailsping, and he said,exactly as Mark wrote, Pop one or two and go to sleep, and you will feel *so* much better in the morning. He was right.

And to take one, if it was during the day.

I do an ice cube, as the same time, and a little self-EMDR (just breaking the gaze helps the switch) and/or cover one eye for a bit, then the other. . .

There's no reason to start spiralling up or down, tho it took me forever to be able to directly ask, How can I avoid this. I had accepted it for so long. I was Bipolar II, and most often didn't have "happy" manic--only heard from God a few times, and He told me to color code my books. . .too much work---so it seemed for years and years that I was only Depressed.

Now I realize I cycled every singly bloody day. Whew. In retrospect, I am exhausted!

Zo

Zo

 

That Mark H. is one smart fellow. (nm)

Posted by Phil on July 5, 2002, at 17:19:50

In reply to Re: Zyprexa too » bookgurl99, posted by Zo on July 5, 2002, at 16:28:42

 

Re: Got any effective methods for averting suicide? » bookgurl99

Posted by ShelliR on July 5, 2002, at 19:34:23

In reply to Got any effective methods for averting suicide?, posted by bookgurl99 on July 1, 2002, at 20:25:08

bookgurl,

One more thing I would check out is lyme disease. It's more prevalent than one might expect. Lorraine posted on this board for months, sharing all the different drugs she was trying, and all the different immune tests she was given. Some abnormality, but nothing definitive. Just to make sure everything was covered *she* asked them to do a test for lyme disease. Quess what? They now predict that she had had the disease for about eight years. Lyme disease mimics many other illnesses, including depression and although everyone thinks they will see a tick or bite, most people do not realize that they actually have it.

So with your symptoms, I think it's worth checking out--just to make sure. I asked for a lyme test last time I was hospitalized and they refused.

Anyway, if there's any chance....

Take care,

Shelli

 

Re: Lyme disease, hmm. » ShelliR

Posted by bookgurl99 on July 5, 2002, at 23:01:10

In reply to Re: Got any effective methods for averting suicide? » bookgurl99, posted by ShelliR on July 5, 2002, at 19:34:23

Well, through some agressive effort, I was able to get an appointment with a neuro-immunologist in Chicago. I will see him in October, which seems really long from where I sit -- but I think getting in is the first thing. I've talked online with 3 of his patients; he does not assume that symptoms are psychologically related at first glimpse, and runs a number of tests to figure out what's going on.

In the meantime, I'm trying to just live as well as I can. I believe that I'll get well in time.

 

I burned up my suicide plan today. :D (nm)

Posted by bookgurl99 on July 5, 2002, at 23:23:31

In reply to Re: I Will Find a Way to Live » bookgurl99, posted by Mark H. on July 2, 2002, at 16:54:11

 

Re: Lyme disease, hmm. » bookgurl99

Posted by ShelliR on July 6, 2002, at 11:58:25

In reply to Re: Lyme disease, hmm. » ShelliR, posted by bookgurl99 on July 5, 2002, at 23:01:10

> Well, through some agressive effort, I was able to get an appointment with a neuro-immunologist in Chicago. I will see him in October, which seems really long from where I sit -- but I think getting in is the first thing. I've talked online with 3 of his patients; he does not assume that symptoms are psychologically related at first glimpse, and runs a number of tests to figure out what's going on.
>
> In the meantime, I'm trying to just live as well as I can. I believe that I'll get well in time.

Hey Bookgurl,

Thats awesome that you got yourself an appointment with a neuro-immunologist. And a great idea that to talk with former patients online. I guess they said good things.

Congratulations, also, on ripping up your suicide list. Confidence and hope will get you through until you get to see this guy.

Take care,

Shelli

 

Re: Thanks all for posting. I will find a way to live.

Posted by leor on July 7, 2002, at 10:11:11

In reply to Thanks all for posting. I will find a way to live. » Mark H., posted by bookgurl99 on July 2, 2002, at 0:32:03

Please take a look at this webapage for people
experiencing suicidal thoughts.
I have found it to be an excellent source of help
during a crisis.

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide

I located it on a list of links that
my psychologist created it`s URL is

http://www.psychlinks.ca

There are some excellent resources on here
for those in crisis and-or searching for treatment

Good luck!

Blessings,

Leor

 

Re: Got any effective methods for averting suicide?

Posted by omega man on July 10, 2002, at 18:18:52

In reply to Got any effective methods for averting suicide?, posted by bookgurl99 on July 1, 2002, at 20:25:08

my plan is to take of all my clothes and run round the streets screaming "heeeeelllp"...

 

Re: ECT is most effective for averting suicide

Posted by LostBoyinNC1 on July 10, 2002, at 22:51:24

In reply to Got any effective methods for averting suicide?, posted by bookgurl99 on July 1, 2002, at 20:25:08

ECT is the most effective treatment for averting suicide.

 

LOL. Omega Man, you make me laugh. :D (nm) » omega man

Posted by Bookgurl99 on July 11, 2002, at 7:59:36

In reply to Re: Got any effective methods for averting suicide?, posted by omega man on July 10, 2002, at 18:18:52

 

Some of the best advice I've ever seen! » Mark H.

Posted by suji on July 13, 2002, at 1:25:05

In reply to Re: Got any effective methods for averting suicide?, posted by Mark H. on July 1, 2002, at 23:52:24

Just happened upon this thread today and read everything with a kind of awe that we can actually reach and help each other like this... Mark H., I have cut out and saved your wonderful suggestions for those awful moments--I was literally moved to tears by your image of caring for yourself: showering, putting yourself to bed, etc. This is simply awe-inspiring! I'll never forget it, thank you.

(And I, too, have decided that I simply couldn't kill myself and leave the house such a mess, all sorts of weird, personal stuff to be found, my dead body to be found by some unsuspecting, unfortunate soul, friends having to tell their kids---ohmigod --this method really does work too!)

bookgurl99-- My thoughts are with you--good luck in your journey and keep checking in with the good folks on this site....

Mark, again, thank you--I have a feeling you touched more souls than you'll ever know with your post...

Blessings,
:=) (=:
suji

 

Re: Thanks Bookgurl, Suji, Phil and Everyone

Posted by Mark H. on July 14, 2002, at 23:06:57

In reply to Some of the best advice I've ever seen! » Mark H., posted by suji on July 13, 2002, at 1:25:05

Dear Friends,

Thank you all for your encouraging responses and outpouring of kindness, and especially to Bookgurl for her courage to choose life.

With appreciation and respect,

Mark H.


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