Psycho-Babble Grief Thread 919475

Shown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.


My Story

Posted by ironic on October 2, 2009, at 22:02:10

Hello, I just want to start out by telling you a little bit about myself. I am now a 33 yr. old female who never thought God would bless me with a child. When I was 16 yr. old I had a miscarriage. I was married to a man for 10 yrs. after, and never concieved. We got divorced, I will always feel that this was a part of our relationship coming to an end. I met a wonderful shortly after and within our first year I was pregnant. I was terrified that something awful would happen and I would lose the baby. Well, it is now 5 yrs. and God has blessed me with 2 beautiful healthy boys. During my second pregnancy, I began having episoded of fast heart rates, I just thought I was having panic attacks, so, I blew them off. Well, everything went fine with the baby. Then, got pregnant with #3. I continued having my so called panic attacks, and now they were more frequent, and stronger. So, I went to see my family docter. They sent me home with a Heart Monitor, I had to call in when I had episodes. Well, I had a vey bad episode! When I called it in, the man on the phone told me to le down and that the EMS was on the way. When they arrived they checked my vitals, my heart rate was 214 beats per minute. At the hospital they stopped my heart by injection,"which is not a pleasant feeling. They sent me to a Cardiologist, who sent me to an OB specialist. Upon arriving, they performed an ultrasound, they showed me the heart beating, the spine, ect. Then I was put in another room to await the Dr., when he came in he handed me a dvd of my ultrasound, and began shaking his head. He then told me that if I did not have an abortion, I would die. I wanted to punch him in the face. Then he tells me, I will have to find a clinic on my own, since he is affiliated with St. Vincents, which was another stab wound in my heart. I came home and tried making that call, when they answered, couldn't even speak, all I could was cry. Finally, I got the appt. made, I went to the clinic and had the procedure done, crying the whole time, and noone would even talk to me, the staff was very uncaring and cold. Aftewards, I could not sleep, I was so scared that I would not wake up for my boys if I did, I also felt I did not deserve rest, or any type of happiness. A few months went by, and I was still so depressed. Finally, I got put on an antidepressant, I was on it for a good yr, maybe a yr and a half. I recently talked to my Dr, and told her I just can't get over it. I cry most everyday. My heart is so broke, can't heal, do I even deserve to. She changed my antidepressant to a new one. I have been on it for 2 weeks today, and I am way worse than ever. I have cried over nothing and cried over eveything! My insided feel like they are shaking out of control. My Dr. is setting me up to see a new therapist, but its not until the end of this month. Am I supposed to feel worse? My first therapist told me I needed to go to a Catholic church and repent, I'm not catholic, I believe in God, but I don't go to church. She told me that since I have not put my 4 yr. old in preschool, that I am failing him as a mother and that I am holding him back to keep him in place of my precious baby I had to kill, well, abort, same thing in my heart. Which makes me feel horrible. I feel I deserve the heartache, the little comments from the therapist, and anything else that comes my way. Pleasa, someone tell me what to do, tell me where to go. My heart is crushed. I feel as if the real me is gone. What's next?


Re: My Story ironic

Posted by Deneb on October 10, 2009, at 20:29:08

In reply to My Story, posted by ironic on October 2, 2009, at 22:02:10

I'm so sorry about the loss of your unborn child. That must have been a heart wrenching decision. You did the right thing. Now your children will have a mother and that is the most important thing.

This board is pretty quiet. I hope we come visit Social or Psychology.

I don't have any experience with what you went through. I can only imagine. I hope you find a therapist to help you with your grief.


Re: My Story ironic

Posted by Kath on October 14, 2009, at 14:14:30

In reply to My Story, posted by ironic on October 2, 2009, at 22:02:10


I am so very sorry to hear your tragic story.

I hardly ever come to this 'board' & it's not one of the most frequently visited ones. I'm wondering if you'd receive more support on the Psychology board?

Instead of having to rewrite the whole thing, you could give a brief outline & refer them here to read the whole thing. (I think there's a rule about not posting the same post on 2 threads.)

I hope you get some support around this.

I was particularly appalled to see a therapist suggesting you go to a specific church & Repent!! How unprofessional is that??!! Yikes.

Sending kind thoughts, Kath


Re: My Story

Posted by sassyfrancesca on October 21, 2009, at 14:50:03

In reply to My Story, posted by ironic on October 2, 2009, at 22:02:10

I am so sorry, sweetie: What a terrible position to be put in. That therapist had his own agenda, and never should have told you to go to a church, repent, etc.

I know it is hard t shop around when you are in such pain, but you need to find the right "fit" with therapist who respects and supports you.

Perhaps there are support groups for grief after an abortion? If not, you could start one?

You did what you felt was right, and now you are so torn up and sad. You DO deserve to heal and have some peace of mind. I am the moderator of an abused survivors' group, and even tho you aren't an abuse survivor, you are suffering.

Feel free to write to me:

Love and Hugs, Sassy (Alice)


Re: My Story

Posted by Emily Elizabeth on October 21, 2009, at 19:44:41

In reply to My Story, posted by ironic on October 2, 2009, at 22:02:10

I'm so sorry that you are going through so much pain. I'm also sorry that your first therapist was so off-base. Don't give up on therapy. There are many good therapists out there and real healing can occur.

Do you feel that you need some forgiveness from God? If so, I have heard of people finding comfort through Project Rachel ministries. I don't know much about it though. But, also that might not be your issue at all, and that's okay too.

How is your relationship with your husband? Does he understand? Could he be a source of support?

Can I ask what meds you are trying? It may be that you haveen't found the right one for you yet. But of course, meds will take you only so far. Grief takes time to heal.

Be gentle with yourself. You did what you thought was the right thing to do in a very difficult situation. I hope you can find the support you need.



Re: My Story

Posted by rnny on February 2, 2010, at 0:56:30

In reply to My Story, posted by ironic on October 2, 2009, at 22:02:10

Hospice Centers sometimes have "Centers for Living with Loss" which offer free counseling and free classes and workshops. Check it out.


Re: My Story

Posted by ironic on February 2, 2010, at 19:38:50

In reply to Re: My Story ironic, posted by Deneb on October 10, 2009, at 20:29:08

Well, for those of you who gave their support, I am very thankful and grateful for. I am sorry to say I have had no break through, and am still in so much pain over this. I just can't find it in me to forgive myself, then again, I don't feel I should be able to. I am seeing a new therapist, I have seen her about 3 times now, and so far, all I have done for each hour is cry. Each time I tell myself I am not going to cry, but once the door closes and she looks at me, I break. She has made me an appointment to see the med. dr., which scares me even more, I don't want to be drugged up, but I realize I have been on the same anti-depressant now for almost 3 years, and it obviously is not working. I am also working on my PTSD, I am writing a journal of my childhood(which is a whole other story), but it has made me a disaster, I am not sure I should even be digging in my past if it is going to cause these feelings and emotions. What can I say, I think I am now a bigger mess than I felt I was to begin with.


Re: My Story ironic

Posted by Kath on February 2, 2010, at 20:13:43

In reply to Re: My Story, posted by ironic on February 2, 2010, at 19:38:50

I wonder if non-talk therapy might help you.

EMDR is very good for healing Trauma. I've healing some pretty intense trauma with hits.

Also EFT (emotional freedom technique) is good, as well as TAT is a good site.

Please feel free to check the "Alternative" board archives for info on this & feel free to babblemail me if you wish.

There's also PSTEC. You can download free audios that have worked wonders for me in melting old emotional trauma. I think the site is

I think if I were in your shoes, I might be ready to try something different.

EFT & TAT have gotten me through really rough times. I've used them daily for weeks & months at a stretch to help me just get through day to day.

loving, caring thoughts go your way, Kath

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