Psycho-Babble Grief Thread 510974

Shown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

How will I cope when Hammy dies?

Posted by Deneb on June 11, 2005, at 10:09:30

I was worried about Hammy my hamster for a couple of days. He stayed inside his "bed" almost 24/7 and only came out to use the potty and drink. Lately he's been coming out at night again and I'm relieved. He's over 2 yrs old now and I'm afraid he'll get sick and die. I'm afraid he might get a stroke or something. I'm afraid of having Hammy suffer. Now the weather is hot and I'm afraid of Hammy getting too hot. I put a wet paper towel on top of his "pod". I love Hammy so much. I know he will die. How will I cope with his death? I've never had a pet before. I feel like I have to take lots and lots of pictures of him to make sure I never forget him. I don't know how I'm going to react when he dies. I don't know if I can handle it.(((((((Hammy))))))))

Deneb (u's 2b Shy_Girl)

 

Re: How will I cope when Hammy dies? » Deneb

Posted by Dinah on June 11, 2005, at 10:09:30

In reply to How will I cope when Hammy dies?, posted by Deneb on June 10, 2005, at 15:38:50

How long do hamsters usually live?

I recently lost my beloved dog. It hurt like h*ll. Loss hurts, and there's no real way around it. You just have to live through the pain until you get to the point where you can smile again when you think of them.

I lost my most beloved dog of all eighteen years ago, and it still hurts. I can still see every freckle on her little foot, and remember how her skin felt under my hand. I was listening today to one of the songs that I used to play over and over after she died. Even though I don't generally feel songs anymore, I felt tears with that one.

After someone I love dies, my father included, I generally do something as a testament to how I felt about them. When the last dog died, I had a photo purse made of him. When my beloved died, I had a portrait made from a photograph. Two actually, one with me, one without. And put photos of her all over the place. There's still one gazing at me on my desk at my office. When my daddy died, I put together a couple of photo albums of pictures of him from when he was little till when he died, and brought them to the funeral.

 

Re: How will I cope when Hammy dies? » Deneb

Posted by JenStar on June 11, 2005, at 10:09:30

In reply to How will I cope when Hammy dies?, posted by Deneb on June 10, 2005, at 15:38:50

hi Deneb,
I think it's the saddest thing when I pet dies. That's the double-edged sword: They bring you so much happiness, then complete sadness when they die.

Like Dinah said - everything she said!

I still remember my kitties when I was young. I still "love" them in a way, even though it was over 25 years ago. They were special, wonderful little animals. I think I loved them more than I loved some people. Losing them was very very hard.

But the only thing that makes it acceptable, I guess, is the joy that they bring when they're alive. I know you don't want to hear that "you can get another pet," it's awful to say that, because it diminishes the pet you love NOW. But you're an animal lover and you will always have animals in your life, and they will always bring you joy.

I guess - enjoy Hammy now, and deal with the pain when it comes. Don't suffer EARLY - there's no need. Don't worry about the future for him (as long as you're keeping him as healthy as possible) -- if you grieve for him NOW, you're wasting time and not really enjoying him fully. Of course that's much easier said than done. AS a worrier myself, that's what I WANT to do, not what I necessarily Do do.

Pet the little guy once for me!
JenStar

 

Re: How will I cope when Hammy dies?

Posted by Deneb on June 11, 2005, at 10:09:30

In reply to Re: How will I cope when Hammy dies? » Deneb, posted by Dinah on June 10, 2005, at 17:29:22

> How long do hamsters usually live?

Syrian hamsters live about 3 years.

> I lost my most beloved dog of all eighteen years ago, and it still hurts. I can still see every freckle on her little foot, and remember how her skin felt under my hand. I was listening today to one of the songs that I used to play over and over after she died. Even though I don't generally feel songs anymore, I felt tears with that one.

That is very touching. He/she lives on in your heart. :-)

> After someone I love dies, my father included, I generally do something as a testament to how I felt about them.

I've already taken many pictures of hammy...maybe I could put a few up on a webpage or something so he will be famous. :-) I joined a hamster group on usenet...people post little tributes to hammies who are crossing the rainbows bridge. The rainbows bridge sounds like a wonderful happy place. :-)

http://rainbowsbridge.com/Poem.htm

Deneb (or Shy_Girl)

 

Re: How will I cope when Hammy dies? » JenStar

Posted by Deneb on June 11, 2005, at 10:09:30

In reply to Re: How will I cope when Hammy dies? » Deneb, posted by JenStar on June 10, 2005, at 19:22:27

> I guess - enjoy Hammy now, and deal with the pain when it comes. Don't suffer EARLY - there's no need.

Thanks. That is very good advice. I shouldn't waste time grieving when he's not even dead yet. I should enjoy every moment with Hammy while I can. He lives in hamster years and 1 month is like 2 years for us. I remember when I was little and 1 month seemed like a year.

> Pet the little guy once for me!
> JenStar

I stroked his soft furry body and gave him a blueberry on your behalf...he loved it! He finished the whole blueberry. :-)

Deneb (u's b2 Shy_Girl)

 

Re: How will I cope when Hammy dies?

Posted by woolav on June 11, 2005, at 10:09:30

In reply to Re: How will I cope when Hammy dies? » JenStar, posted by Deneb on June 11, 2005, at 0:58:15

The only comfort you have is the fact that you have loved him and given him a great life. Thats what pets are for. I know its hard and I dread the thought of losing my dog..I cant imagine what that will be like. I just give her all my love and know in my heart that I have given her a great life..what more can we do....
S

 

Re: How will I cope when Hammy dies?

Posted by Deneb on June 11, 2005, at 12:24:26

In reply to How will I cope when Hammy dies?, posted by Deneb on June 10, 2005, at 15:38:50

Hehe, I got re-directed again. I actually thought of starting this thread on the Grief board, but I didn't know whether it was appropriate or not to post about losing a pet hamster along with posts about losing people.

It's weird how one can get attached to a pet. My Mom never liked pets. I had to convince her really hard to get Hammy. I think my Mom really likes Hammy now, she really enjoys observing him and she even worries about his well being. My Mom says that I should never get a pet again because it is not worth the grief that will come when they die. I disagree, I think it is more about enjoying and sharing life with them. I think my Mom will be sad when Hammy dies. I don't know exactly how I'm going to react when he dies. I've never lost a pet before.

Deneb (u's 2b Shy_Girl)

 

Re: How will I cope when Hammy dies? » Deneb

Posted by JenStar on June 12, 2005, at 10:43:45

In reply to Re: How will I cope when Hammy dies?, posted by Deneb on June 11, 2005, at 12:24:26

hi Deneb,
it's cool that your mom likes him, too!
What made you start thinking about losing Hammy? Is it just his age, or is there something changing in his behavior lately?

I hope he's doing OK!
JenStar

PS - thanks for giving him a blueberry for me! I can totally see a cute little hamster in my mind eating a blueberry. How cute. :)

 

Re: How will I cope when Hammy dies? » JenStar

Posted by JenStar on June 12, 2005, at 13:35:33

In reply to Re: How will I cope when Hammy dies? » Deneb, posted by JenStar on June 10, 2005, at 19:22:27

hi Deneb,
it's weird, but sometimes I worry about people I love dying. I think about it a lot, even when they're not sick or ailing. When I was a little girl, it started. I remember crying one day in kindergarten, crying frantically on the playground. All I could think about was maybe that my mom & dad had died while I was at school. I was desolate, unconsolable. But I knew it was "weird" so I lied & told the monitor that I was sad b/c some kids made fun of me. I used to have recurrent fears about losing my parents.

Now that I'm "grown up" and married, I STILL worry about this. I worry about my parents dying; I worry about how I'll react; I worry about losing my husband. I think that if I lose these people, I will go crazy. I will become homeless and live in the streets, a crazy woman, eating from trash bins and sleeping on benches.

I mean, I don't REALLY think that will happen. But so much of my lfe and well being and esteem is tied up in the people I love. I so much fear losing them.

So it was kind of hollow that I told you not to grieve too soon. I do it ALL the time. And I wish I could stop! I know I'M wasting time by doing it, but it doesn't seem to be somethign I can control all that often.

I mean, I function and I live my life and I get stuff done. I have fun. I seem normal. But inside, I'm a seething basket of all kinds of worries. Maybe I need to consider something besides Lexapro??

Oh well.
JenStar

 

Re: Worrying about loved ones dying » JenStar

Posted by Deneb on June 12, 2005, at 18:26:24

In reply to Re: How will I cope when Hammy dies? » JenStar, posted by JenStar on June 12, 2005, at 13:35:33

> hi Deneb,
> it's weird, but sometimes I worry about people I love dying. I think about it a lot, even when they're not sick or ailing.

That's not weird to me. That shows just how much you care about them. :-)

> When I was a little girl, it started. I remember crying one day in kindergarten, crying frantically on the playground. All I could think about was maybe that my mom & dad had died while I was at school.

I used to do the same thing when I was little. My Mom and Dad had to work a lot, I was left home alone with my sister after school. When my Mom was late in coming home I used to get horrible panic attacks, thinking that my Mom had died or had abandoned us.

>I used to have recurrent fears about losing my parents.

I think having those fears shows that you were a very sensitive child. That probably made you the sensitive and thoughful person that you are now. :-) It is a little tragic though, I'm guessing that most children don't think about death so much. I wish our parents could have realized our fears and tried to reassure us.

> Now that I'm "grown up" and married, I STILL worry about this. I worry about my parents dying; I worry about how I'll react; I worry about losing my husband. I think that if I lose these people, I will go crazy. I will become homeless and live in the streets, a crazy woman, eating from trash bins and sleeping on benches.

I think along those lines as well. I think that I will go crazy and maybe have to be locked up so I don't hurt myself if my family died. I'm still *very* dependent on them.

Have you dicussed your fears with your husband? Maybe he could ease your fears by telling you that you won't be alone if anything happened to your parents. Maybe he will tell you that he would want you to continue living a happy life if anything should happen to him.

> I mean, I don't REALLY think that will happen. But so much of my lfe and well being and esteem is tied up in the people I love. I so much fear losing them.

Maybe it might help you to think of things from their perspective. Would you want the ones who love you to always worry about losing you?...Probably not. If you worry about them, they'll start worrying about you worrying about them and so on. :-) Wouldn't it be better to talk about it so you don't have to carry this burden of worry by yourself?

> So it was kind of hollow that I told you not to grieve too soon. I do it ALL the time. And I wish I could stop! I know I'M wasting time by doing it, but it doesn't seem to be somethign I can control all that often.

I know about giving out advice that I myself do not heed. It's definately a challenge. I just told you to talk it out with your family and yet I never dicuss my fears with them. :-)

> I mean, I function and I live my life and I get stuff done. I have fun. I seem normal. But inside, I'm a seething basket of all kinds of worries. Maybe I need to consider something besides Lexapro??

Maybe, I wouldn't know. I know I need to change the way I think a lot of the time.

Take care

Deneb

P.S. Hammy seems fine now. He's coming out to play at night again. Maybe he was in one of his "lazy" phases again. He's pretty lively though considering his age. I've read that some hamsters can live to be 4.

 

Re: Worrying about loved ones dying » Deneb

Posted by JenStar on June 12, 2005, at 22:02:18

In reply to Re: Worrying about loved ones dying » JenStar, posted by Deneb on June 12, 2005, at 18:26:24

hi Deneb,
thanks for responding! :) I don't know if I should talk to anyone in my family about my worries. What if it just makes them more concerned about ME? I don't want them to need one more thing to worry about like "Oh God, I better not tell JenStar I have a cold or she'll freak out and think I'm dying," or something like that. And I also want to be seen as strong and helpful, a rock that my family can depend upon. I don't want them to see that I have a weak core. Although possibly they already know it! Plus I hate death & dying and don't even want to discuss it, as if avoiding the discussion could avoid the thing itself.

My hubby is under a lot of pressure at work. Actually I didn't even tell him that my Dr. upped my dose of Lexapro from 10 to 20 mg/day. I mean I WANTED to tell him, but again, it's just one more thing to worry about. I don't know...

JenStar

 

Re: How will I cope when Hammy dies? » Deneb

Posted by shar on June 18, 2005, at 1:15:31

In reply to How will I cope when Hammy dies?, posted by Deneb on June 10, 2005, at 15:38:50

Please keep us updated.

I'm thrilled Hammy is playing again. I hope he will live a long and happy life, with a loving mom like you.

Shar

 

Re: How will I cope when Hammy dies?

Posted by Deneb on June 27, 2005, at 22:40:11

In reply to How will I cope when Hammy dies?, posted by Deneb on June 10, 2005, at 15:38:50

I just read some heart-breaking stories of hamsters getting sick/dying/being put down. I'm so sad. I can't stand it. I don't want Hammy to die. I don't want him to suffer. What will I do? I can't stand it. I will be horrified the day I find my hamster dead.

 

Re: How will I cope when Hammy dies?

Posted by Angela2 on July 3, 2005, at 23:06:52

In reply to Re: How will I cope when Hammy dies?, posted by Deneb on June 27, 2005, at 22:40:11

hi Deneb,
hmm...
death is a part of life.
I feel bad for old people because they see friends die everyday.
Or doctors. They have to cut people up and see people die all the time.
I had 2 family members die of cancer. One was my grandma and one was a distant cousin.
With my grandma I was sad, but with the distant cousin I was just...blank. I went to her funeral and all her family was crying and sad.
I've decided I'm going to give my body to science when I die. Becuase what's the sense in putting your body in the ground? I have just decided this.
I'm sorry I don't have any answers. Death is sad. The end of things usually are. Maybe they don't have to be, but I haven't firgured out a way for them not to be yet. With my endings, and I'm not just talking about death, but like the ending of a relationship, i am sad. But there are moments when I am not sad during the day too. Like when I'm listening to music or drawing or reading. I kinda forget about being sad. I embrace these moments.
When I hear about the ending of a relationship between significant others, I am sad. I think "if that can happen to them, that can happen to me." We are all vulnerable. But the thing to remember is that not all of life hurts. And we should embrace what we have that makes us happy now. Life is really f*cked up and weird. It makes you wonder what the point of it all is. I have come to the conclusion that there either is no meaning or there are a bunch of meanings. lol.
-Angela2

 

Re: How will I cope when Hammy dies? » Deneb

Posted by Jen Star on July 9, 2005, at 13:15:53

In reply to Re: How will I cope when Hammy dies?, posted by Deneb on June 27, 2005, at 22:40:11

hi Deneb,
I wish I had real advice that worked, but I don't! If you're a worrier, I think maybe you're just ALWAYS going to do some level of worrying. I think that's the way I am. No matter what drugs I take, no matter how much yoga and meditation I try, I will STILL worry to some degree, even if I minimize it.

I guess I have to accept it and enjoy life as much as I can in the cracks and crevices around the worry! Maybe that's the only advice I have...

TRY therapy, TRY medication...try relaxation, medidation, etc. But maybe also we all just have to accept that our minds are wired a certain way and just enjoy the moments of happinesss and pleasure that come our way. For me, some of my happy moments are tinged with worry and concern, but they're still happy, and I still value them.

Maybe worrying helps us love and value people & pets more. If we didn't worry, we wouldn't love them so much?

I don't know how it all works...I don't have answers...but my advice is to love Hammy fiercely even if you're afraid of losing him. Don't give into the fear. Enjoy him even if he'll be gone someday. Enjoy him while you're worrying, and because you're worrying.

JenStar

 

Re: How will I cope when Hammy dies? » Jen Star

Posted by Mal on July 20, 2005, at 15:04:31

In reply to Re: How will I cope when Hammy dies? » Deneb, posted by Jen Star on July 9, 2005, at 13:15:53

> I guess I have to accept it and enjoy life as much as I can in the cracks and crevices around the worry! Maybe that's the only advice I have...
> TRY therapy, TRY medication...try relaxation, medidation, etc. But maybe also we all just have to accept that our minds are wired a certain way and just enjoy the moments of happinesss and pleasure that come our way. >
> I don't know how it all works...I don't have answers...but my advice is to love Hammy fiercely even if you're afraid of losing him. Don't give into the fear. Enjoy him even if he'll be gone someday. Enjoy him while you're worrying, and because you're worrying.
>
> JenStar

Jenstar, so much of this post (and previous ones) sounds like me. I used to really worry about losing my parents when I was a child, especially when I was left with babysitters for even just a little while. Now that I am grown, I worry about losing them less than I used to, but I also have more to worry about losing- a husband and babygirl... I try really hard to just love them up as much as I can daily, but it is also hard to let go...

My Mom is a CHAMPION worrier, and I worry too, but I try to fight my tendencies and enjoy myself.

Have a great evening. Mal

 

Re: Worrying about loved ones dying

Posted by stormcatcher on February 8, 2010, at 4:59:44

In reply to Re: Worrying about loved ones dying » JenStar, posted by Deneb on June 12, 2005, at 18:26:24

Hi,
I am new here, i came to this post googling.

I was previously divorced and i remarried and i had a baby 2 months back.

I have never seen lasting happiness until i met my present wife...

I am really happy with my present life and i think my life is much better now then before.

But i am afraid that my wife and baby would die and i don't think i can live with out them. They are the only good thing that has ever happened to me in my life and i am afraid of loosing them. Though i am 28 years old i still cry silently alone thinking about it, even now the i have tears rolling down.

Now i know death is inevitable to any one and may come to any one any time but i am just scared of my wife and baby dying...

Thank you,
Regards.

 

Re: Worrying about loved ones dying » stormcatcher

Posted by Deneb on February 10, 2010, at 15:10:24

In reply to Re: Worrying about loved ones dying, posted by stormcatcher on February 8, 2010, at 4:59:44

Hello StormCatcher!

Welcome to Psycho-Babble.

I worry about loved ones dying too. I try not to think about it. I asked my pdoc about this and she told me that there is no reason to worry until your loved one has been diagnosed with a terminal illness. It's just the risk of a healthy person dying is slim so we shouldn't worry about these things.

I know it is easier said than done though.

Deneb

 

Re: Worrying about loved ones dying

Posted by rnny on March 23, 2010, at 16:29:34

In reply to Re: Worrying about loved ones dying, posted by stormcatcher on February 8, 2010, at 4:59:44

I have had the issue throughout my life since my 20's. Fearing the death of someone and when I became a pet mom, fearing the death of my pets. I have cried buckets of tears. One time when I hadn't seen my mother in a while due to family estrangement I flew out of state to visit her. We went to a Chinese restaurant from theh airport and I started to cry at the table and said, "when you and dad die, is it OK if I don't come to the funeral"? What a thing to say or ask but she understood I was saying it in a grief stricken way. I didn't live in the same state as her and I hadn't seen her in a while. The family estrangement was no secret. It is a pathetic memory, a sad memory of a young woman lost. And it happened decades ago. When my dog who died in 1997 was old and I knew just by her age that death was imminent, I went into what is called "anticipatory grief". It is a very little known grief. There are times when you know someone you love will be dying and you are anticipating their death. The feelings you get then are as strong as if they WERE dead. It was so so so painful. After my dog died, I got in touch with the pain a decade later approximately and I thought I was doing to die. The pain I had inside was massively intense. I had held the pain in and when it surfaced it was like a bomb going off. I pray to God I never have to go through that again. Experiencing repressed grief. I was terrified and thought I was losing my mind. I almost wanted to end it all becuase what was happening to me was unbearable. I don't know if repressed grief is even a term but that is what I was dealing with. It was scary as heck. To be going through grief over a death that had taken place years before and not knowing what was happening to you. I have alot of grief over my parents divorce from when I was a teenager still and from my grandmother's death and the first family dog's death. I have alot of grief and sadness in me. Unable to share this pain as talking about such in our family was unheard of.


This is the end of the thread.


Show another thread

URL of post in thread:


Psycho-Babble Grief | Extras | FAQ


[dr. bob] Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD, bob@dr-bob.org

Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.