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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
dr-bob@uchicago.eduShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LostGirl on December 4, 2003, at 12:53:04
Most of what I read about people's losses are, of course, how devastated people are over their losses.
I am a little different. My parents were elderly. He died a year and a half ago, she died about 6 months ago. There were tremendous demands on me regarding their illnesses and their care and handling everything for them in the end. I know I did the best and most for them possible. However, I did not really like them much as people, and they were always distant, unaffectionate and unsupportive as parents. Prior to their deaths I was in therapy over marital issues, and the therapist had me really dig into childhood, which resulted in me really resenting them a lot for a lot of things they did that they shouldn't have and things they should have done and didn't. While I gained a lot of insight into myself and my marriage, I also grew to resent them a lot. Then they got sick, became my over-riding concern as I tended to everything for them despite the resentment, then they each died. I do not feel devastating grief. I feel minor loss. Cleaning out their house was hard, but not unbearable. It seems like they are missing at holidays and other occasions, but it is not heart-wrenching. The loss I feel is more that I lost out on having caring, loving, affectionate, supportive parents in the first place. Parents unable to give praise despite all my accomplishments, or to encourage or reward the good things I did.
Sometimes I think there's something wrong with me to not feel grief stricken, but the relationship was never that loving because they were incapable. I wonder if anyone else has a similar experience.
Posted by judy1 on December 8, 2003, at 9:44:56
In reply to Parents Death - unusual reaction?, posted by LostGirl on December 4, 2003, at 12:53:04
I honestly don't think your reaction is abnormal- you didn't have a loving relationship to grieve over. I was abused as a child, and lost my parents at a young age (teens), so I feel all kinds of guilt about lack of feeling. I do miss my mom especially when it comes to my children, but my father's loss is a confusing mess. Try not to feel guilty, just be honest with yourself, and make sure you have lots of support- therapist? friends? take care, judy
Posted by Susan J on December 8, 2003, at 12:47:05
In reply to Parents Death - unusual reaction?, posted by LostGirl on December 4, 2003, at 12:53:04
Hi,
> I do not feel devastating grief. I feel minor loss. Cleaning out their house was hard, but not unbearable. It seems like they are missing at holidays and other occasions, but it is not heart-wrenching. The loss I feel is more that I lost out on having caring, loving, affectionate, supportive parents in the first place.
<<I think you are perfectly normal. You cared for them and you respected their role as your parents, even if they weren't the type of parents you wanted or needed. You don't *have* to feel overwhelming love for them or great loss because they are gone.I have not had that type of experience, but I believe I will when my parents pass away. I do not feel *any* love for them, no respect either. For my father, I feel nothing, perhaps pity. For my mother? Sometimes (more often recently) anger.
But I respect them as human beings. I don't put them down or hurt them or anything. And I don't want them to be unhappy or to suffer. But I don't think I'll feel great loss when they are out of my life. Sometimes I feel guilty that I don't love my parents, but how can you force something that isn't there?
Don't feel bad about your feelings. :-) Continue to grow as a person, keep treating people with compassion, and keep loving yourself. Hang in there,
Susan
Posted by Lllucy on December 12, 2003, at 17:42:29
In reply to Parents Death - unusual reaction?, posted by LostGirl on December 4, 2003, at 12:53:04
My father was not present in my life very often, and when he was it was usually a negative experience. He died when I was 22; the muted grief I have felt has mostly been over the fact that I never knew him well enough to mourn him. I mainly mourn the fact that I didn't have a loving relationship to miss. I think what you describe is very understandable.
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