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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by TF on December 30, 2003, at 20:57:55
There are some situations in life that are just intolerable to the people who witness or experience them. Some people can't tolerate disease, some can't tolerate social rejection, others can't tolerate pain and then there are those who can't tolerate loss, which, usually, is included with many of the other demons I mentioned. Let's not make this an essay, though. My favorite subject is egology so it's natural I'd focus on myself here, which is my intention. Otherwise I doubt I'd have the mental stamina to beat around the bush with my very general and obvious ideas.
I'm just one of those people who has nothing left to fear. I've borne the worst possible curse that I couldn't even imagine and am left alive. I was stricken with an invisible pain, an emptiness that trumps all of the fears I have ever had, redefining and negating them as it were. I don't fear physical pain, I don't fear incapacitation, I don't fear social destruction, I don't fear even hell, because I live every waking second in a torture chamber custom fit for myself.
I spent my entire childhood and growing-up years depending on my creativity to cope with real life misery. Instead of making friends I'd invent them, instead of searching for excitement I'd have vivid daydreams. You get the picture. It wasn't as unhealthy as I probably make it sound... Reality and the dreamworld actually complimented each other. I'd take things observed or experienced in the real world and impliment them in my dreams, then I'd apply lessons learned in the dreamworld to the real world. It made me seem mature for my age. I think it's safe to say I had a good memory with an average but agile intellect. These attributes contributed to my coping skills, basically it was a defense against the outside world.
However, in the late teenage years I began to withdraw even more, and my ability to reconcile the dreamworld with the real world sort of dulled, or it was my motivation to do so that waned. In any event, it cost me in terms of school work and my ability to concentrate. I had thoughts of leaving home and school behind, unrealistic goals of making it in hollywood or elsewhere as a writer or some such (heh). Any kind of work where I wouldn't have to chain myself down. I became more and more dependant on the dreamworld as the situation deteriorated.
Then there came a point where I'd share my world with others, real people, in my writing. Suddenly it became an outlet to social acceptance and for the first time I knew what it was like to have 'real' friends. It didn't take long for the dreamworld and my writing hobby to take a backseat to my pursuit of social acceptance. I was becoming addicted to it, addicted to being told that my life isn't a waste and that what I do is important (which is nothing, by the way.). By then I'm writing and dreaming for purpose of gaining the acceptance and admiration of these people.
ANyway, I'll skip the rest as it sort of peters out there... There comes a point where I lost interest in writing and lost my ability to engage in the dreamworld, to shape it and mold it as I used to. Abstract thought became a memory. I was turning into just another dumb hick with no talent and no purpose in life other than to shovel dung.
I know this must all sound so vague, fragmented and rambling. You'll just have to use your imagination a little to relate to me. Sorry.
Right now I'm sort of stuck in limbo. I'm in a place where I'm questioning who I even was before all this happened, and regretting who I am now. I'm just losing sight of the person I used to be, a person I used to like. Someone whos thoughts were stylish, wise and agile. Someone who could create abstract worlds and scenery at a moments notice. Someone that could make connections and relate to people and things in the world. Now I'm lucky if I can envision one sentence without it slipping from my mind before it's halfway done, or go one day without saying at least five things that make me seem stupid, oblivious or ignorant. Ignorant would actually be a plus if I could be logical to make up for it.
ANyway, I'm just wondering if there's any point to going on this way. Why should I live? To pass on my flawed genes? To watch the world pass me by without making an impression? To search for enlightenment until I die in disappointment? I might as well be dead now. I'm not sure that any of you, no matter what your religious inclination, could justify my continuing to live. At least not in my mind. This is the way I see it: I've had a good run. Might as well discontinue it while I'm still having coherent thoughts and insights. I don't want this dark age to be a part of my life. I don't like this aspect of existence, and I think it's my right to ignore it if I want to. There's no lesson to be learned from it. Not for me, because I can barely hold on to the knowledge I've already acquired. Even if I got my mind back someday (which I really can't see happening... the fog is so terrible that I feel a part of my brain is forever closed or cut off.), I doubt I'd be able to look back on this time with any sort of objectivity. It's too damn distorted, and I'm living it at this exact moment.
This isn't really a suicide threat, just my offhand musings, so please don't be offended.
Posted by simus on December 30, 2003, at 23:54:37
In reply to Why Live?, posted by TF on December 30, 2003, at 20:57:55
TF,
I understand where you are at. I've been there. I had gone from working as an engineer to not being able to remember my middle name. I vividly remember the pain of the hopelessness and desperation. The only future I could see for myself was in a mental ward. As I was making my final plans, and I do mean FINAL plans, something rose up inside of me and made me call the number of a church that I had never been to and knew no one at. You have to understand that I was not trying to save my life at the time. I saw absolutely no reason to live. Perhaps the reason I made that call is the same reason you are posting on this board. Anyway, these Christians stood beside me and pulled me through the rough times. I was already a Christian, but just barely. Through it all, I did find God and He filled that dark, gaping void in my life and healed the wounds that I never thought could be healed. What I thought was a vast wasteland of a life turned out to be simply a fresh canvas for Him to paint on.
God does have a plan for your life. This is not a cliche. This is a fact. He can turn this situation completely around if you give Him a chance. What was meant for your harm, God could use to completely resculpt your life into something beautiful.
I will be praying for you. I wish I could do more. God bless you.
Posted by Pathur on December 31, 2003, at 8:24:47
In reply to Why Live?, posted by TF on December 30, 2003, at 20:57:55
Hi TF,
As a young person I lived in an imaginary world, so much so that even today I feel imature ompared to my peers and get along better with those quite a bit older than myself, I'm 44 and if I compare my life to that of my peers, the seemingly successful ones that is, then I become anxious and depressed so I stop myself whenever I catch myself doing that, otherwise I am quite content with my lot. Your post is well written and I wonder if you would be able to use your imagination and writing talents to create a mythical story for yourself, I do this at times and find it amazingly refreshing. Maybe your experiencing the dark age before the rennaisance, I'd hang in there, I've been through a long dark period myself several years ago and felt things could not get better, but things around the corner have alwys surprised me. I can't offer any spiritual advice except that as corny as this may sound, when I look back things seemed to have fallen in place.P.
Posted by evercare on December 31, 2003, at 11:11:09
I have felt exactly what you are. I grew up hoping i would be killed. A part of me still wants that, then i remind myself that the reason i am not dead already is because he has a great plan for me. I still wish that he didn't so i can get away from the torture of the day. But who am i to tell God what to do. Another thing that keeps me alive is my amazing friend and boyfriend. He is a blessing from God and he would be devastated if i left him. i have two reasons to live. you just have to LOOK for them. i know how hard it is to be optimistic or think nondestructively, but once you try and pray, God will help you. Remember that the weaker you are, the stronger He is. That is a wonderful thing to remember.
Posted by rayww on December 31, 2003, at 21:28:07
In reply to Re: Why Live?, posted by Pathur on December 31, 2003, at 8:24:47
I know what you mean about looking back to find that things have fallen into place. It proves there is a master plan for each of us. It also can give us a sense of direction and faith.
Life mapping. Catch a sense of direction and follow it through. Great thought.
Posted by TF on January 1, 2004, at 7:47:32
In reply to Re: Why Live?, posted by Pathur on December 31, 2003, at 8:24:47
I can see what you all mean by that. I always notice providence in the many things that happen to me. For instane, maybe taking away the definition of my thoughts is God's way of dealing with the panic/anxiety disorder that's kept me out of a job for so long (and caused trouble when I am employed). It's just scary to deal with life without clearly defined thoughts. Sure, I can write pretty decently without the middle man in my head, but it's still not the same.
It's scary to deal with life without something you've become dependant on for so many things, not to mention all of the looks I get from people who now think I'm stupid or retarded. That drives me nuts. If God wanted to get rid of my panic disorder, he should've made me less observant, instead of less smart. Now I can observe things, but misinterpret them to boot. That it's God's will makes alot less sense when I look at it that way. That's ok I guess, it must be for someone else's benefit that I lose my mind.
Posted by simus on January 1, 2004, at 16:05:04
In reply to Re: Why Live?, posted by TF on January 1, 2004, at 7:47:32
TF,
It is not God's will for you to be ill, mentally or otherwise. God sent His beloved son to die for you, not just for your eternal salvation, but also so that you can have "life more abundant" here on earth. "He was bruised for your iniquities, the chastisement of your peace was upon Him, and by His stripes you are healed." I don't begin to understand why some people are instantly healed, and others go through a healing process. God didn't keep Daniel out of the lion's den, but he did close the mouths of the lions so they couldn't hurt him. God didn't keep the three Hebrew boys out of the fiery furnace, but He not only kept them from burning, He got in the furnace with them. And God didn't send a bolt of lightening to kill Goliath. He let little David fling a stone and a lot of faith to take the giant down. I don't know why it took 40 years for the Israelites to get to the Promised Land, but they did get there.
I can't answer why you are going through what you are, but I can assure you it isn't from God. It was satan who came to "kill, steal, and destroy." It is satan who is "seeking who he can devour." God can not only deliver you out of this, but He can use it to your good and to the good of others.
My heart goes out to you. My best advise is to find a good church, not a "religious" church, but a real, Bible-believing full-of-faith church to help you in this journey.
Get on your knees before God. Pour your heart out to Him - the good and the bad. Trust me, you can't shock or surprise Him. Remember, even as Jesus hung on the cross, He asked God why He had forsaken Him. He understands. If you haven't committed your life to Him, consider it. He is a "gentleman", and unlike the devil, He won't enter your life without an invitation. You won't regret it.
And get into a good church! When your faith is weak, they can pull you through.
Please let me know how you are doing as time goes by. I really do care.
Posted by TF on January 1, 2004, at 22:32:48
In reply to Re: Why Live?, posted by simus on January 1, 2004, at 16:05:04
I have so much trouble praying. It's not unwillingness so much as it is my lack of abstract thought. When I'm writing here, or anywhere for that matter, it seems a miracle to me that I can communicate with even the slightest bit of coherence. The middle man (my mind, internal censor) is completely silent and the words/phrases/ideas just come straight out of the void. Thats kind of amazing to me.
The way I was always accustomed to praying was to think of the words silently in my own mind. Nowadays they slip from my memory as soon as they appear, and leave little impression. I guess writing is different because it gives me an opportunity to get my thoughts out before I forget them. It just doesn't feel right for me to pray that way, though. And everytime I try to pray it seems so artificial, like I'm trying too hard. Same with writing, actually.
I have trouble understanding your reasoning on God. How can he not be responsible for my condition? He instigated the creation of the universe and the lives of every man. How can he know the future, how all things will end if everything that happens wasn't anticipated when He first set time into motion. If He doesn't know and/or accept the consequences of His own machinations, then how can we call Him omniscient? Either He is or He isn't. You can't have it both ways, I don't think.
I'm not blaming God or saying that He did something wrong. I believe that He did the best He could with the cosmic rules, as He saw fit to make them. If this is what's best for me and everyone else in the world, then that's my lot. I should take it with dignity. Maybe I've served my purpose? (no, that's not a suicide threat :P )
Posted by TF on January 1, 2004, at 22:42:31
In reply to Re: Why Live?, posted by TF on January 1, 2004, at 22:32:48
I should be more clear... My post didn't really acknowledge what you said about God's omniscience and how he took care of those people you mentioned. I'm not expecting a miracle, nor am I expecting divine intervention (I don't really believe in that... for divine intervention to be neccesary, that would mean that God isn't really omniscient.)
Sorry for any confusion I might've caused in my previous post. Argh, I don't know what I'm saying today.
I do believe that God is responsible, however, not in a bad way though. I realise that this is some sort of compromise, or that I'm supposed to learn some kind of lesson from all this. Hopefully if I get my mind back someday I'll be able to pull some sort of meaning out of this hellish time.
Posted by simus on January 2, 2004, at 1:20:50
In reply to Re: Why Live?, posted by TF on January 1, 2004, at 22:42:31
Dear TF,
When all else fails, "HELP!" can be a very effective prayer. You can pray out loud, or from within. When words fail you, God even understands groanings. Just be real. He already knows your thoughts as you think them, so you might as well be real. You might think, "If He knows my thoughts, then why bother praying?" Because He wants a relationship with you. Mankind was created for fellowship with God. God wants a relationship with you. There isn't one person on the face of the earth more important to Him than you. And the only way to build a relationship is through communication, or prayer.
Yes, God is the Creator, and He is all-knowing. But when He created Adam and Eve, He created them to be His friends, not His puppets. So God created them with a will. And He gave them choices. God's plan for mankind was that they live in an perfect place - Eden, free from all the pain that we now know. But as you know, they made a decision with a severe consequence that affected all the generations to follow. But God had a "plan B", which was to send His son to redeem us. Unfortunately, even those who accept the work of Jesus at Calvary still have to live in this world as we know it until we take our last breath. And in this world is pain, and sickness, and suffering. But this was not God's will or His plan, but the result of man's poor choices. Even though God's people are in this world, they are not of this world. The work of Jesus on this earth wasn't just to save us from hell. It was to give us a more abundant life while on this earth, to provide everything from peace of mind to physical healing to binding up the brokenhearted of those who believe. So there is hope, and don't let your mind convince you otherwise.
Do not accept living like this as your lot in life. Seek God and you will find Him, and you will find your reason for existance. God has a great plan for your life. You have some great qualities, some that you know about, and some that you have yet to find out about. You will be amazed at what the Lord can do with your life if you "choose" to let Him.
I can't stress enough how important a good church is. Your success could depend on it. If you are willing, let me know what area of the country you live in and I will try to help you find a church. And pray. You can start with "HELP" and work your way up from there. If you don't have a Bible, get one (a readable version). Ask the Lord to open the eyes of your understanding as you read it. Read Psalms, and I think you will be surprised how much you have in common with David.
I truly hope this helped you somehow. If you got nothing else out of it, I want you to understand there is hope for you, and your life matters.
God Bless.
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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