Psycho-Babble Self-Esteem Thread 849279

Shown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

my love/hate relationship with me

Posted by riot on August 30, 2008, at 15:58:21

Hey everyone. I wanted to drop a note and let you know where I stand with myself.

I have never been good with keeping people around. I have suffered from low self esteem for most of my life. I have always felt ugly, stupid, and crazy.

In high school I was a drama kid. I spent most of the time in music classes and at church. Once I stopped going to church I started going to concerts. But it seemed like every group of friends I made wouldn't stick around long.

After I graduated I lost weight, cut my hair, started wearing makeup and putting time into myself. I felt beautiful. Then ex fiance number 1 undid all of that work when he started in the verbal, emotional, physical abuse.

I left him after I miscarried and he would hit me in the stomach and laugh. Joking about how I looked fat and he'd make sure I wasn't pregnant.

When I left him I had my first relationship where I slept with the person before we had commited. When he flipped out after I had spent a weekend with him I lost the feeling that sex was special.

After him I slept with a number of people. 21 in total. Mainly because with drugs and alcohol comes the lack of judgement with who you bed. I got hpv last year. Then had my second miscarriage. A month later I got raped.

So what? I've been a lifelong dissapointment to my family. I have no friends. I have no sexual identity. No sex drive. I feel like I am ugly as sin.

I have 30 hours of tattoos in my body. That's about the only thing I like about what I see anymore.

I wish I could learn to love myself again. But that won't happen until I find myself again.

 

Re: my love/hate relationship with me riot

Posted by llurpsienoodle on August 31, 2008, at 9:20:11

In reply to my love/hate relationship with me, posted by riot on August 30, 2008, at 15:58:21

Hi Riot,
My heart breaks to hear your story. In your heart, you may feel like you deserve some of your misfortune, but this is simply not true.

What about that "love" side of yourself? Maybe this is a time in your life when you can take some time and focus on YOU, and pampering yourself-- Get a new haircut, a new outfit. Take a self-defense class, and paint your toenails. How is your community of friends? Maybe you can join some kind of fellowship (religious, book club, band) and surround yourself with people that appreciate YOU!

The fact that you're posting here means that there's a little part of you (at least) that can imagine better things for yourself.

Tell me about your tattoos

-Ll

 

Re: my love/hate relationship with me

Posted by riot on August 31, 2008, at 12:44:03

In reply to Re: my love/hate relationship with me riot, posted by llurpsienoodle on August 31, 2008, at 9:20:11

What do I love about myself?
My heart. To have come this far and not be a complete cynic seems unlikely. I just don't want to lose all hope.
I love that I still can sing. I wish that I could still write music.

Most of my close friends live in other states. Here in michigan I don't have many people. My boyfriend and his family and a few aquaintances. I've had a couple people I had high hopes for, but still no luck.

My tattoos are beautiful. Most of them represent big events in my life. I've been dying for more but I haven't found anyone I trust enough to tattoo me.

At one point I was going to be a tattoo artist but my second ex fiance turned the person who was apprenticing me completely against me.
Now im too scared to ever get back in the industry.

I don't know what kind of career would suit me. I've tried so much, nothing fits.

 

Re: my love/hate relationship with me riot

Posted by Nadezda on August 31, 2008, at 18:40:18

In reply to Re: my love/hate relationship with me, posted by riot on August 31, 2008, at 12:44:03

Hi, riot. I feel very sad to read about your disillusionment and really difficult experiences.

I'm glad though that you haven't become cynical. If you do have hope, you have something to work with. Maybe slowly you can get back to the person you want to be, and turn more towards the career you want.

I find it's important to stick to the things that mean a lot, even if there are obstacles to accomplishing them. In the end, you have things worth working for.

Over time, you'll get more friends, I"m sure-- if that's what you want. Sometimes people disappoint us or move away, but there are the few who stay close, even over distances. Just hang in there-- You sound like you have a lot of potential to pursue, you just haven't figured out how to keep in touch with the parts of you that you like and love-- and the things that you want.

It doesn't have to stay that way, though.

Nadezda

 

Re: my love/hate relationship with me riot

Posted by Racer on September 14, 2008, at 13:32:50

In reply to Re: my love/hate relationship with me, posted by riot on August 31, 2008, at 12:44:03

>
> I don't know what kind of career would suit me. I've tried so much, nothing fits.
>

I've had that problem for years. After repeatedly asking my therapist to try to help me find a career counselor who could work with me to figure out career options while accommodating my deficits, with no joy -- she had no names, and couldn't find anyone through her contacts -- she suggested I try taking one of the career counseling classes at a local junior college.

I'm doing that right now, and finding it helpful -- two weeks into the term, I've already learned a few things that help me clarify my situation. Guess why I mention this? Yep, I'm thinking you might find such a thing helpful, as well.

And as for the rest of it -- I'm sorry you're having such a rough time, and I wish you the best. Your story is similar enough to mine that I can relate to the pain you've been going through.

 

Re: my love/hate relationship with me

Posted by riot on September 14, 2008, at 20:45:06

In reply to Re: my love/hate relationship with me riot, posted by Racer on September 14, 2008, at 13:32:50

Yeah. With no real boost to my self esteem. I got fired a little over a week ago. Im doing ok. Working the best I can. Im trying to build my graphic design buisness, and be my own boss. Since I guess I don't do well with supervisors and need to be my own boss. Im enjoying being at home with kinzee, sleeping and being productive during the day.
I am auditioning with a burlesque troup and getting back into modeling. I just want to figure out who I am.


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