Psycho-Babble Eating Thread 821870

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Should I be concerned? regarding my weight?

Posted by Kath on April 6, 2008, at 18:49:28

I had posted this on Social - didn't realize there was an eating board. I should have posted it here!

I'm feeling somewhat uncomfortable about my eating situation.

I'm 5 feet 5 1/2 inches tall. Over the past couple of weeks I've gained about 3 pounds. I was down to about 112 pounds (even lower than when I got married 14 years ago - 113 at an all-time low). So I'm now about 115 pounds. My scale gives different readings, so I do 3 or 4 weigh-ins & take the most frequently shown number!

Today it's almost 5 pm & I had 1 small yogurt & a banana for breakfast. The early afternoon 1 piece of bread with a slice of cheese on it, & a cup of tea. Oh yes, and a half glass of juice. Some days I have only breakfast & supper.

Last week though, I was actually feeling hungry sometimes!! I always eat a good supper & a serving as big as my husband's.

So now, my one pair of cords is feeling snug. They're ones I bought fairly recently, so I shouldn't put too much importance on the fact that they're snug I guess.

I don't want to not be able to wear clothes I like. Before starting Celexa, in about 2000, I wanted to gain weight. On Celexa, I was really happy to gain to about 135 I think it was or maybe 137. Lots of summer stuff didn't fit me near the end though & I did NOT like that. Then when I stopped Celexa, about 2 years ago, I gradually lost weight again, but recently was 112 or 113 - way too low for 5 ft 5 1/2 inches.

I used to feel okay about eating during the day, but simply didn't get around to it. Lately the thought of eating breakfast has been yuk! So I've been trying to force myself to eat something for breakfast.

On Wed, Thurs & Fri, I actually was WANTING to eat between breakfast & lunch. That felt good & having gained a few pounds felt good.

Up until now I don't think I've had an eating disorder. But when I put my hands on my stomach yesterday & earlier today, I perceived myself - well, not myself, but my stomach & hips, as fat.

Which is silly, I now realize, as I thought OKAY -I'm doing a reality check - just went & measured myself & these are my measurements:

(I'm 'pear-shaped')

bust 31"
waist 27"
hips 35"

I used to be 33" 30" 39" so if I 'feel' fat at this weight, that is NOT accurate. However, there IS 'grabable' fat from my waist down!

This isn't a huge big deal, except that it seems to me that I 'should' gain more weight to be a good, healthy weight. But now, I don't want to! And it seems sort of ridiculous to be 'watching what I eat' at 115 pounds & 5'5" !!!

Any comments?

Kath

 

Triggers above -- NUMBERS TRIGGER (nm)

Posted by Racer on April 6, 2008, at 19:42:27

In reply to Should I be concerned? regarding my weight?, posted by Kath on April 6, 2008, at 18:49:28

 

Re: Should I be concerned? regarding my weight? Kath

Posted by Quintal on April 6, 2008, at 19:47:48

In reply to Should I be concerned? regarding my weight?, posted by Kath on April 6, 2008, at 18:49:28

I've been thinking of posting on exactly the same topic for a few weeks now. Like you, I'm naturally very thin and I was quite delighted at watching the scales go up the first time I went on meds. My pdoc has hinted that he thinks I might have an eating disorder in the past because I was 'too thin'. Actually I was a healthy weight, but I think they're so used to seeing obsese people that if you're thin they automatically suspect 'eating disorder'. Well, that's the problem I'm having now. I weighed about 9st10lb back in December after months of not eating during a manic episode. I was put on Zyprexa and now my weight has crept up to 11st2lb, and I *HATE* it. Every time I spot my huge pot belly in the mirror I feel so fat and disgusting. I loved the way my stomach was flat and sexy back in December and now I feel like such a slob. Apparently I have a BMI of 23.3, so I'm not yet clinically overweight, although my waist is now a staggering (and hideous) 38" of blubber. 40" is the danger zone for diabetes and heart disease, so it's not just about vanity - I actually feel really heavy and unhealthy at this weight. My pdoc is suggetsing I try Depakote the next appointment, but I don't want to, in fact I'm dead against taking anything that will increase my weight right now.

Anyway, my point is that off meds, I have no appaetite and rapidly become skeletal. One time when I quit Klonopin I lost nearly a third of my body weight in a very short space of time. I remember washing myself in the shower and being surprised to find that my stomach was totally flat and taut. It felt wonderful to be able to run my fingers along the edgde of my pelvic bones and see and feel all the definition there. I felt terrible, but in another way I also felt a thrill of power at having such enormous control over my body. I've always struggled to maintain a reasonable body weight, and I feel so much better when I'm starving. Once when I was in America aged about 7, an elderly couple offered their condolences to my aunt and uncle because they thought I was dying of anorexia. It really scared them, and it upest me too. Again, I can't help but think this is another example of people being so used to obesity that a healthily thin person seems unhealthy.

I've always figured that being male was the only thing holding me back from Anorexia. The waif look just isn't attractive on a man, but if it was, there'd be no stopping me. If I was born a girl I'm certain I'd have a full-blown eating disorder by now. Still, I don't think I actually have one, but at times (like now) I do feel tempted to give in to my instinct to starve and purge myself.

Q

 

I think there's room for concern Kath

Posted by Racer on April 6, 2008, at 19:49:27

In reply to Should I be concerned? regarding my weight?, posted by Kath on April 6, 2008, at 18:49:28

I can see a couple of reasons to be concerned.

First, the fact that your experience of your body doesn't sound as though it's matching reality right now. That's a sign of distorted body image, which is a problem in and of itself -- regardless of whether it goes along with any sort of eating disorder.

Second, the fact that you're weighing yourself so frequently, and multiple weigh ins, etc -- once a week is probably best. More than that, and you're probably having some troubles that are worth addressing.

Third, the fact that you're as concerned as you are says that something's up right now around your body, your weight, etc. That alone would be reason enough to address it.

So, with all three of those things, I'd say -- "Yeah, there's room for concern here."

Even if you don't have a full fledged, diagnosable, all-DSM-criteria-met eating disorder, you've got a disordered relationship with food, with your body, with your self-image, etc. Disordered eating is where most eating disorders start, after all.

So, there's an answer -- now what do you think you'll do about it?

Also, numbers can be very triggering for people with eating disorders -- I generally suggest avoiding specific numbers on online boards, and "No Numbers" has been a hard and fast rule in every live group I've been in. That's why I posted the trigger warning above. It's nothing you've done wrong -- just something I wanted to warn people about.

 

Re: Should I be concerned? regarding my weight? Quintal

Posted by Kath on April 10, 2008, at 19:26:04

In reply to Re: Should I be concerned? regarding my weight? Kath, posted by Quintal on April 6, 2008, at 19:47:48

What a shocking thing for that couple to do! (I think, anyway).

There have been times when I am not eating, that a part of me sort of believes that I do not NEED to eat!!!! I haven't felt that way often, but when I do feel like that it feels scarey.

Do you eat 3 meals a day ever? I've been trying to. I've been eating bread with cheddar cheese & tomato slices broiled in the oven 'til the cheese melts. I seem to be able to enjoy eating that - when I was trying to eat cereal or yogurt - that type of thing, I was feeling repelled by the thought of eating.

I'm not familiar with measuring weight in 'stones' - I don't know how to convert it.

hugs, Kath

 

Re: I think there's room for concern Racer

Posted by Kath on April 10, 2008, at 19:34:10

In reply to I think there's room for concern Kath, posted by Racer on April 6, 2008, at 19:49:27

Thanks Racer.

Expecially for putting the trigger notice. I certainly wouldn't want to trigger someone.

I've decided to talk with my doctor about it. I got some good input on the Social board also.

The things you mentioned are good for me to think about.

I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do!

First - my goal is to get back doing Tai Chi as soon as I can concentrate on learning the 'short form' from the DVD I bought. I was finding it too confusing to follow the teacher & that caused me BIG stress. I hope going to Tai Chi will help tone my body.

Second - I plan to stop weighing myself as much...I do the 'multiple weighings' because our scale is weird. It'll give different weights depending on how I'm standing on it. I don't feel like paying money to buy a new one.

Third - I've found a breakfast that I enjoy & I'm trying to GENTLY nudge myself towards breakfast/lunch/supper as meals for a while & see how that feels.

Thanks for your input.

At some point, I'll probably bring it up at my Group Therapy as well.

thx Racer, hugs, Kath

 

Re: Should I be concerned? regarding my weight? Kath

Posted by CareBear04 on April 11, 2008, at 23:27:14

In reply to Should I be concerned? regarding my weight?, posted by Kath on April 6, 2008, at 18:49:28

hi kath,

definitely relate to your problems. i'm about your height and very underweight. i don't think i'm fat, but i don't think i accurately see how small i really am. a few weeks ago, i was with my mom at a cocktail party-type event people watching, and somehow we ended up pointing out the girls who we thought had the same figure as me. i picked out someone who was thin but not in an unhealthy way. my mom, on the other hand, picked out this stick-thin, frail, pre-adolescent girl with that look common at that age-- like they've grown way too fast and their weight hasn't caught up.

my pdoc, too, seems to suspect an ED, but for whatever reason, it's never really been a focus of any session. sometimes when he's seen me he's commented that i don't look like i'm eating very well, but he's never engaged me directly on the subject of my eating. a couple of weeks ago, we were rescheduling an appointment and it came up that i had an appt that afternoon with my pcp. he asked me what about, and i told him the truth-- that it was a 1-month follow-up weight check. my pcp, too, hasn't said to me, anyway, any concerns about an ED. he's only asked me to drink ensure plus between meals and other practical suggestions. in the fall, my labs showed very low iron, low B12, and low vit. D. i'm not really sure why the levels are low-- i eat meat, don't have any blood loss, and got plenty of sun during the summer.

anyway, my pdoc didn't dwell on the subject at that time, but at my next appointment, we did talk about it. he seemed a little upset that i hadn't told him that i was being monitored by my pcp, and i guess i downplayed its importance in response. that seemed to strike him as a reckless attitude towards my weight, which caused him to want to make me concerned. he asked me how many menstrual periods i've missed, and i replied that i'm on continuous ocp and don't have periods. he mentioned the nutritional deficiencies as evidence of malnutrition. at one point, he pulled out his pocket DSM and flipped to the anorexia criteria to resolve a disagreement we had about whether a subjective intent is necessary. he conceded that i wasn't refusing to maintain a minimally healthy weight at a concscious level but left open the question of whether there are subconscious factors at work.

anyway, that discussion surprised me for several reasons. first, his question about my periods indicated that he views me as really unhealthily skinny-- i think of amennorhea as a really serious complication, and i don't think i'm so underweight that i would be missing periods if i weren't on birth control. second, if he thinks i should be more concerned, why hasn't he addressed the issue before or, for that mater, since?

as far as whether you should be concerned-- i don't think there's an easy answer. i think the fact that you're asking, though, shows that you are concerned (or at least think you should be), which is an important insight. i wonder if my utter indifference as to my weight is a sign of intentionality?

did you say that you were going to bring it up with your dr? let me know how it goes!

cb


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