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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2chica on November 14, 2017, at 10:55:02
Hi fellow babblers.
I've been coming here since feb 2004. It has been a really wonderful place for me, saving grace at times, and want to thank everyone here -especially the older members (and those that have passed too).i'm not sure where to start other than Help me.
**however, as disclaimer i must say, please know that i am very aware this is an online community and there is nothing you can physically do for me, more than verbal responses. Please note, that is OK, in fact, its what i need.
I really need someone to hear me. Knowing someone reads this (damn it, crying again) gives me a chance to take a deep breath and pause once more.FEELINGS
Yesterday, after much personal contemplation i've decided that my suicidal ideations have now become intents. it is not immediate as there is much i need to do.
Logically in my mind what i just said confuses me. i do have a strong logic mind, so for the last three weeks i've been able to seperate them out and realize that my illness was trying to make a decision that was neither true nor what i wanted. Now i still believe my emotionality is irrational and an illusion, however i can no longer logically agree its statements are false, or that i dont want them. and to be honest, i'm really tired of fighting the same fight, over and over with fewer options each time.
The last three days i've been in such an internal state of struggle that i can hardly eat, drink or sleep. Including last night i have now had two nights of 0 sleep. Oddly, it was yesterday (after a 7 hour nights sleep that i was at my worst). i made some configurations of just how much myself and my illness is costing my family. i've scaled the emotinal turmoil i have caused them, and plotted future emotional strain on my family in physical, emotional and spiritual ways. none of them are in my favor. The only thing i did do that was in my favor was creating a pro and con list. To be frank my logic mind thought it was insane that i would act when that list was very clear the pro's were pathetic and few. The con list was even smaller but more impactful.
However, today i'm conflicted again. This time my brain is ruminating on the fact that i had made a decision of intent and some how that is relaxing me.PROFESSIONAL help
anyway, i had appt with T yesterday which i thought was perfect timing. But she became ill and had to cancel. Then i was to call pdoc office yesterday and give update, i did, but i remember the nurse kept talking over me so i'm not sure if she heard what i said about mood. while i was waiting for call back, i was getting worse and more confused with inner conflict and when she called (first) i dont think she heard me because when she spoke with my pdoc all he said to do was to increase by one gabapentin at bedtime??? that is when i just told her to tell him that i'm just burnt out and i needed some time to think about some things. she asked if i wanted to make an appt with pdoc, and i just said no, i dont think that will help.I like the nurse but there's something about her that, well its' like she sees someone else when i'm there. She will ask questions and barely wait for a response, sometimes talk over me before i'm finished, and she never seems to get the right message to my pdoc. i mean. its hard for me to tell a stranger exactly how i'm feeling, and to do it over the phone, and to someone that i'm not sure how the message will be relayed makes it worse.
as for my T, after the incident with pdoc's office, she texted and asked if could reschedule for wed. but again, at this point, i've made a decision and i just need time to deal with it/manage it/ break it down/ or deny it. and i know that i cant go to the hospital right now for many reasons. and its just not an option.
SILENT WORDS
I just feel like no matter who i speak with these days, i am completely misunderstood and really feel like there's no point in my talking when my words are misinterpreted and my voice in never heard. i am pointless.THINGS THAT MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A PILE OF ....
i cant even manage my measly 20hour a week job that is super pud.
i started smoking again, i guess becuase i figure does it really f-ing matter.
i can write but i can complete anything, to even THINK of publication
i can paint but not good enough to make a living
i was good at my job, but can hardly do even that these days
i cant bring in much of a wage to family
I cant manage basic care of my kids, let alone all the academic and school related needs they have.
my husband cant seem to stand the sight of me these days, and cant talk to me with out being beligerant or degrading (or both). He's either yelling, being passive agressive or sarcastic. And to be clear he can come home perfectly happy and good with kids, the MOMENT i come in the room, say anything, he gets on me like i killed his puppy when he was five. when he is so upset with me, he will end up taking it out on the kids, yelling at them instead of me. I cant stand the sight of that, it just brings me to tears.Yes i have children and i cant talk much about them because it makes me want to burn my eyes out slowly thinking about what my suicide will do to them, i've written those things down in my con's list. So right now, the Only reason i know i'm breathing is because of them. But what about when they grow up, leave the house, have their own family.... what then? I can not ever let them feel like they hold the responsibility of holding me up. Or worse, what if they catch glimpses of how i'm feeling right now. My husband makes a point to make comments about my past 'cutting' or suicidal behaviors right in front of them -not using those exact words. but they are getting older and will be able to pick up on that soon enough.
ok i need to stop. this conversation makes me want to run out infront of a speeding truck.And i just need to stop.
The conflict in my brain is a constant dialog and confusing and torturous.B2chica
Posted by PeterMartin on November 14, 2017, at 14:32:40
In reply to help, but no thanks... Long and boring, posted by B2chica on November 14, 2017, at 10:55:02
Hi b2!
I've been reading this forum off and on since 2005ish and I definitely know your name. All I can I say is that I was to see a post by "b2chica" even though I can't recall any specific threads we're mutually chatted in. (I've had a couple other use names mainly due to forgotten passwords).
I wish I knew something say in response to your update but the best maybe is that I read it and I feel for you. For some reason I thought maybe your name stuck in my head because you were a Marplan person (I've done on well on that for 7 or so years now). But I searched and doesn't seem like thats it.
Buuut in searching I read this old message by you where you talk about Zyprexa helping in really tough times: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20090304/msgs/883680.html
Maybe that's a med could buy you some relief if it's not already something you take on the regular.
In backread the front page I saw you commented about stimulants. They can toss your moods for a loop but everyone is different. There's new meds all the time. That what k try to tell myself. I'm sorry people in your life are mean :/ - things can change. There's always hope or MDMA/Psylocybin/ketamine ;). I'd always promised myself Id go there before anything final even in the darkest times. Plus for someone creative youself (writing/painting) itd shake up the writer's block haha.
I'm just rambling and an idiot but you're not alone. I hope the real common old schoolers get online sometime soon.
Posted by PeterMartin on November 14, 2017, at 14:38:01
In reply to Re: help, but no thanks... Long and boring, posted by PeterMartin on November 14, 2017, at 14:32:40
I'm so sorry for all the dropped words and poor English in my previous follow-up. I'm typing on my phone and I didn't check it before sending.
BTW what meds are you currently taking if you are ok with saying?
Posted by B2chica on November 14, 2017, at 15:24:34
In reply to Re: help, but no thanks... Long and boring, posted by PeterMartin on November 14, 2017, at 14:38:01
hello PeterMartin
i want to thank you for responding. i wasnt sure about coming back on so quickly, i was afraid that if no one would have responded, it would have put one more nail in my would-be coffin. (as desperately pathetic as that sounds)
You are right, that is the best response you could give.
about meds, about year and half ago zyprexa finally pooped out on me and no longer does the trick.
stimulants, yes thats what caused this all. I had been doing well until the company that makes the only generic that works for me got bought out and they are no longer making generic Adderall. (CorePharma mfg.). no other stim seems to be the same (i've tried i think 5 generic Adderall's. and none are the same as that brand. Even though it was great for my ADD, I actually relied on it more as an AD. So when that was gone, it sent me out to the middle of the ocean.i'm absolutely fine telling you what meds im on, but know i've also been on about 35 other meds in the past, either no response, horrid side fx, or worked but pooped out.
currently:
Pristiq 100mg, Evekeo 20mg BID, Gabapentin TID (today changed to 4total with extra at bedtime), lorazapam PRN, ambien PRN, lunesta PRN.i was really upset after discussion with pdoc and couldnt calm so i took extra meds. so i'm kinda mellow now. However, my intent has not changed i'm just not freaking out about it anymore. infact, kinda tired. i need to do something, paint, write, do some work, housework something... but i cant seem to leave this chair. not sure if its fear, or the extra gaba. just chillin listening to spotify and looking at suicide statistics. i'd laugh, but cant, my brain and body's affect dont match.
i'm just one giant f-up. been that way since birth. my whole life has been an uphill battle, and constantly fighting. and now i'm tired.
*the other part of my brain is now saying, 'oh shut the hell up, we all have uphill battles. Everyone of us deals with sh*t everyday, just only some whine about it, others just plow through it.
well i'm tired of plowing through. i'm stuck.
i want to lay down and just let the birds come and take me away. :|[this is the constant back and forth dialog going on in my head for the last three days..]
Posted by B2chica on November 14, 2017, at 15:25:52
In reply to Re: help, but no thanks... Long and boring, posted by PeterMartin on November 14, 2017, at 14:32:40
Peter Martin.
Thank you for responding and letting me vent. i think i can cry now...(i need to).
Thank you for being the one far off ship in the distance.b2
Posted by baseball55 on November 14, 2017, at 18:46:27
In reply to help, but no thanks... Long and boring, posted by B2chica on November 14, 2017, at 10:55:02
I understand completely how you are feeling. I have been there myself too many times. I also understand how your husband is feeling - mine got the same way - and how much worse his response makes you feel. If your children are keeping you alive right now - do you really need to ruminate about a future when they will be gone and not be a reason to stay alive. Try as best you can to stay in the present.
You may not want to do this, but I strongly suggest you go to an ER and tell them you are suicidal. Don't beat around the bush and say, probably not, don't know. Tell them you can't stop ruminating on suicide and you are afraid you will act on these thoughts. Many people talk about psych hospitalizations as these horrible experiences, but my experience was that most had well-trained staff, p-docs who will look over your meds, social workers who will talk to your husband and you. It can give you a respite from daily life and these tortuous thoughts.
There is no shame in doing this. I was hospitalized several times including four fairly long hospitalizations and I left with new meds, new treatments and feeling much more hopeful.
I also suggest you talk to your therapist ASAP. See her 2 or 3 times a week if you need to (and can afford to). Tell her exactly what's going on. If she can't handle suicidality (some can't) ask her for a referral.
Please don't try to do this on your own or over the internet. You need face-to-face interaction with people who can do their best to help you through this.
Posted by PeterMartin on November 15, 2017, at 0:09:12
In reply to Re: help, but no thanks... Long and boring, posted by B2chica on November 14, 2017, at 15:25:52
> Peter Martin.
> Thank you for responding and letting me vent. i think i can cry now...(i need to).
> Thank you for being the one far off ship in the distance.
>
> b2Thanks for your message also. Do what you can to roll on for a the near future. Just keep at it. There is hope for sure.....and you don't want to miss out by a few days especially since it sounds like there be some withdrawal at play too.
I like you have been on a ton of meds through the years. I've also been in hospital and I agree it can be extremely helpful. For me it was always helpful just to be around other people who were strangers but yet could relate at least a little. You seem smart - I think you'll do what is good for you and I can't say what that is but "keep going"....
Regarding amphetamine if there's one obscure rabbit hole you explore I've read a lot about this peptide called BPC-157. It mainly seems to be magic for muscle healing but I've heard of people using it to reverse amphetamine tolerance. One person's trial https://www.reddit.com/r/Nootropics/comments/51cka9/bpc157_peptide_report/
But yea I was hoping post something might help.....sometimes you just need a placebo....tell me what I need to hear not the truth or something if that makes any sense :). Now I'm just trying to distract but hopefully you'll start feeling better soon.
Thanks to everyone else who posts too.
-P
Posted by PeterMartin on November 15, 2017, at 0:15:58
In reply to Re: help, but no thanks... Long and boring, posted by PeterMartin on November 15, 2017, at 0:09:12
And I really need a new phone. I'm really sorry for the poor Grammer. I do have a college degree :)
Posted by B2chica on November 17, 2017, at 15:16:18
In reply to Re: help, but no thanks... Long and boring, posted by PeterMartin on November 15, 2017, at 0:15:58
Hi Peter,
i'm doing much better. i'm not really sure why but i'm not going to look a gift horse...That night i did take a LOT of gabapentin and ativan (more than what pdoc suggested) but safe (although i did have a 'i dont give a $&#!' attitude when doing it). anyway, it completely sedated me and i slept a really long time.
For, whatever reason the next day, i no longer had intent...a few ideations, but nothing i couldnt handle in comparison.As of today, still doing well. dipped down a little but not much. Not 100% but i feel at least 75% which, compared to about 2% is feeling pretty good. I am still keeping fairly 'sedated' (more like very loopy from gaba) but again, i'll take it.
Right now, just taking it hour by hour. And only pushing myself to get done little things for the next few days.
I wanted to write and thank you (and others), since i dont really remember a whole lot from the last week or so and wanted to make sure and say thank you.
have a lovely weekend, and a blessed Thanksgiving!
B2
Posted by PeterMartin on November 18, 2017, at 11:07:15
In reply to Re: help, but no thanks... Long and boring, posted by B2chica on November 17, 2017, at 15:16:18
Yay! Thanks for posting a follow-up!! Keep on it....
Posted by Clearskies on November 19, 2017, at 18:49:37
In reply to Re: help, but no thanks... Long and boring, posted by PeterMartin on November 14, 2017, at 14:32:40
Hi B2Chica, how are you?
Posted by phidippus on November 25, 2017, at 13:59:03
In reply to help, but no thanks... Long and boring, posted by B2chica on November 14, 2017, at 10:55:02
What are you on? What is your diagnosis? What are your symptoms?
Eric
This is the end of the thread.
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