Psycho-Babble Medication Thread 1022404

Shown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

depression mindset

Posted by rjlockhart04-08 on July 30, 2012, at 0:44:52

well....im here and im really starting to think that its no use even talking about this because my body and mind is reisant to therapy. I'll go to similars or selfimprovement programs or rehab and will fake that im getting better so they won't make me do their annoying alternative or some kinda of intellectiuzation of how someone is suppost to feel. Ugh, i hate sitting through a class. I do things my way, but still its hard through all this nasty thinking I have embeded in my belief system.

Like the past 2 days saturday and sunday I went to these psych. similars and like a nonsense idiot I told them about Lucifer that will come at night, and then they got really reactive and would not listen to anything else I said because they think im tormented by the devil, the whole thing was a messup because I mentioned that one subject and they forced me to write scipture against Satan. A christain based program....but you know i pretty much tell everything here...and don't lie like I used to...this lucifer whatever thing that I hear will come at usally night, and truely if you think about it....the devil is proably getting ready for the coming antichrist not talking to some person that despreatly prays to God to be saved. Still this all could be ridcoulsness but like I said I wanted to be a medium sometimes maybe I got what I asked for and didnt know what I was getting into. And not have Madness at Midnight if I got a career and was happy.

But further more It just feels like have chains of sadness...all this weight of dispair of how I hate my life...i was given a chance about 7 years ago to get into college and becoming a succesful lawyer and more in paticualr a stock trader, and of course an actor. I took the oppurtunity and choose to screw it up, not purposly but I stayed in quiet places feeling safe and then I realize how bad...toxic...depressing it became. Now listen, no pity parties here....and no flattery either...im not writing bulls h i t this is just how things are for me right now. It's actaully just a waste of time to do this but I post my life here.

All this nasty thinking that was developed during these thoughtless times I've wasted my life, it really is painful. Get out of this inhibited state and get disinhibited and get things done.

It seems strange that my life should end in such a terrible place, but for three years I had roses, and apologized to no one. ― Alan Moore, V for Vendetta

thank you for reading friend...

rj

 

Re: depression mindset

Posted by Tomatheus on July 30, 2012, at 3:05:33

In reply to depression mindset, posted by rjlockhart04-08 on July 30, 2012, at 0:44:52

RJ,

I think it's a good thing that you tried going to the psych programs that you went to, but I'm sorry to hear about the reaction you got when you talked about Lucifer. I don't hear anything that identifies itself as Lucifer, but I would say that I seem to be on the receiving end of some messages from a spiritual presence that seems to be less than benevolent. The spiritual presence usually feeds me things that are mean and deceptive, but every now and then it will tell me something that seems to be kind or helpful to me in some way. At first, I thought that this spiritual presence was God because it seemed to be telling me that I was "forgiven" (for my sins, apparently), but then it started to tell me some things that were obviously untrue and to reinforce some of the delusions that I was having at the time. Now, some are probably thinking right now that my belief in spiritual presences and the fact that I'm hearing from them are delusions in themselves, and while everyone is entitled to their opinions, I do believe that there is an intelligence behind the messages that seem to come from the spiritual presence that I mentioned and that my brain is not powerful enough to conjure up the things that have been conjured up all by itself. So, what is this spiritual presence? Is it Lucifer? At times, I think that it is. I don't think that God would deceive, so I tend to think that the presence that makes itself known to me isn't God. I still like to say that I don't really know what the spiritual presence that I can sometimes see and hear actually is and whether it is truly good or evil, but given what I've said about its messages usually being mean and deceptive, I tend to lean toward it being evil.

My ability to perceive this spiritual presence (and to otherwise experience psychotic symptoms) came on very abruptly, very shortly after I took aminoguanidine. I never *ever* had a hallucination of any sort before that. But somehow, I think that the spiritual presence that I can now perceive has always been around and that there's just something going on in my brain now that allows me to perceive it. If I were to venture a guess, I would say that most people can't perceive the spiritual presence that I perceive. Many would say that for this reason, the spiritual presence that I mention doesn't exist. But I tend to believe that it does exist and that it probably influences everybody to an extent, even if they're not aware of it. And when I say everybody, I think that includes the people at the psych program that you went to who somehow think that they're unaffected by the spiritual presences that you, me, and others can perceive. I really don't think that you're inherently any worse of a person than those at the psych program who told you to write scripture against Satan. In the readings that I've done on spirituality, some of what I've read suggests that demons tend to attack those whom they perceive to be a threat, possibly to keep them away from God and away from doing good things. Maybe that's what this presence that identifies itself as Lucifer is doing to you.

I think that you have the right idea in saying that you ought to get out of your inhibited state, get disinhibited, and get things done. Things like going to the psych program that you went to are good steps to take, in my opinion, if you want to stay on a road to wellness. I don't think that going to psych programs is the only thing that you need to do to get well, but I do think that they can be helpful. You might want to avoid the particular psych program that you just attended in the future, but my guess is that there are other programs and support groups that you might find to be more helpful and less judging. As the case is with most treatments for psychiatric disorders, there comes a time when you need to realize that certain approaches to getting well aren't working and that different approaches need to be tried. The particular psych program that you attended this weekend may need to be one of the approaches that you need to discard, but I wouldn't let that stop you from moving on to something different that might help you.

Anyway, I found what you wrote to be quite interesting, and even though you may find some of what you write here to be a waste of time, your posts get me thinking, and some of the feedback you get will probably get you thinking too, so I think it's a good thing. I look forward to reading more of what you have to say in your future posts. Take care, be well, and sorry about the length of this message.

Tomatheus

 

Re: depression mindset

Posted by bleauberry on July 30, 2012, at 5:38:04

In reply to depression mindset, posted by rjlockhart04-08 on July 30, 2012, at 0:44:52

What we cannot see, taste, feel, hear, smell....but we know they are there....magnetism, electricity, radio waves, x-rays, etc. The spiritual world is just as real as those are, and like them, we cannot see it, but it's there, all around us, battle of good against evil constantly. Suffering on this earth in this human experience need not be wasted...if it causes us to cling closer to God, to continually seek Him, and to get to know Him better, then the decades of depression or whatever will seem like nothing compared to the perfectness of God's Kingdom and eternal life. Or think of it this way, without those bad experiences, maybe we never would have gotten close to God and never seen the great kingdom. ...decades entirely wasted, and worse.

Depression sucks bad. It is one of satan's most powerful tools to try to distract us from what really matters. It's not a fair fight because he is so much more powerful than us, and he is invisible. It's not a fair fight.

But actually it is a fair fight. If Jesus is in our corner, He has ultimate power over satan.

I don't care what other people, non believers, think, it is their gift of life to determine voluntarily its ultimate destination. To each his own. God does not view us or treat us as puppets on a string.

I'm just sayin. The Bible is not a fairy tale.

Keep fighting bro! You can do it. Ask God for wisdom in your battles, because He promised it to all who would ask, and He delivers.

 

Re: depression mindset » bleauberry

Posted by Mrose on July 30, 2012, at 9:48:24

In reply to Re: depression mindset, posted by bleauberry on July 30, 2012, at 5:38:04

If you believe that Christ is your savior (from all your past, present & future mistakes) and Lord (your friend, head of your life & hope) there is no way that Satan (Lucifer) can be in you in any way. He can tempt people. He cannot even read your thoughts. Mental illness can make us believe we are worthless and hate ourselves but it's all lies. We have to keep telling ourselves they are lies. God is on your side and loves you. You can start over. All is not lost. When you are better, start think what you would enjoy doing in your life. If you can, read Search for Significance by Robert ? I care.

 

Re: depression mindset

Posted by Phillipa on July 30, 2012, at 10:05:23

In reply to Re: depression mindset » bleauberry, posted by Mrose on July 30, 2012, at 9:48:24

Maybe it's me but it sounds like psychotic thinking to me. I don't understand this type thinking. Personally I don't believe in a devil. But that is me. Phillipa

 

Re: T

Posted by rjlockhart04-08 on July 30, 2012, at 13:27:08

In reply to Re: depression mindset, posted by Tomatheus on July 30, 2012, at 3:05:33

Yea...really thank you for writing. I've read it couple times, sometimes it takes me a little longer to get info in my head.

Anyways yea the spritual side....you know when I go to church people talk about how they hear god like just 5 min ago like he's a human. They put this belief of how they see God into current terms of the secular world, like god telling them jokes, god blesses them with all this stuff from Jcpenny, god told their dog to walk over to their bible and bark...god told them to go have an ice cream, secular thinking of the world today...im not trying to be at insultive of this, its just that what I've heard from people at my church, it just sometimes seems silly, and bit superficial. Of course If I made a public statement about this they would attack and say im hersey against God. I mean really If you think about it when the church in the middle ages was in power, if you did anything that was hint of disrespecting God or implying your doing something of the devil... they would have you put to death. It just changes over time how man interprets God and religion, about 20 years ago when I was young I rerember at church they would use songs from vanilla ice and would change it and use JC in alot of the words in the song...still it was from a secular relation to God.

Their is church that is about 30min away from where I live that uses in my terms just blasmopmy in their teachings, I read on their website that everyone in the church was encouraged to have sex everyday of one week something like that...they use materialistic views like preach and have a farrari on stage talking about how to get one through God... the church of Vanity. Those materistic things are like a scuptured pice of ice that is magnificant in its design but it will melt eventually and all it will mean nothing after that.

Anyways, sorry I got off topic but you where talking about spiritual entities, which I know vary much that some how this is whats happening but i've told my psychologist about this and he told its mental construct of something the mind is trying to vent its distress, using "Lucifer" because he is one of my intrests to read about. Seriously like I said....lucifer is proably doing his other work planning for future events not talking to some 25 years old...but has told me that he reads my prayers to God. anyways...like you said, that living in delusions can be vary much how we view the spiritual world....like alot of times and even right now I doubt my belief system because I think its all a bunch of imagination errors. The biggest fear of me living life is that to live in false light of spirituality. Living a well contructed imagination of a belief system, meaning that someone talks to God but lives in error of the true living God, which is through Jesus Christ. I'm actually glad I have a pessimistic view of spirituality because it would be better to doubt that life is not all about flowers...blessings...and cupcakes that God personally sent you, with a big fat check of money because someone believed they would get it. Kinda get what I'm saying?

But anyways, you know posting all this has caused people to change their view of me, but im not psychotic....its that I choose to see something that I can't see psychically. You know in psych ward hospitals their main goal is to keep you calm...not doing anything tht would be a disruption of behavior...anything religious is considered invalid and they use more medication to cancel it out. That's why I always faked that I was fine, and did what asked of me just to get out of there.

I really am not a fan of going to motivational similars, psychiatric related or money related....they just tell you a bunch of stuff that "you can do it" and eleborate and intellectualize of how to live a better life, its vary cognitive hehavior thearpy with alot of motivation in the process. I like psychodynamic therpy alot but the only issue with it is taht they anaylze why you do things but they don't make a goal really to change it. I don't know that's my view....

thanks for the post!

rj

 

Re: B

Posted by rjlockhart04-08 on July 30, 2012, at 13:35:48

In reply to Re: depression mindset, posted by bleauberry on July 30, 2012, at 5:38:04

yea...if you think about it God is infinate, he knows everything and he create the foundations in which we live in...of course we built skycrapters and all the other good designs through arcitecture. Satan, Lucifer....he is limited...he did not create, he manipulates reality to make it seem like he created stuff...vary much illusion like. doesnt know everything either although he has much intelligence through the human world, but he did not create the universe...although he dwells in the earth and other places in the universe. This is just so nonsense for me to have such an intrest in this....I used to have alot of intrests in weird things like vacuums, stuff people really thought was just everystuff that has no enjoyment to have an intrest in it. But me...im just who I am.

I wished God would just open the heavan up and come and take me, or I could have like a direct telephone line to heaven.
rj

 

Re: M

Posted by rjlockhart04-08 on July 30, 2012, at 13:47:58

In reply to Re: depression mindset » bleauberry, posted by Mrose on July 30, 2012, at 9:48:24

God ... or how I write in letters to him as the "God of Israel" or "Holy One of Israel" does have compassion....i previously lost my car, and I went in my room and just broke down and just said his name during this mourning process...of what I did to lose 700 dollers and my car to these drug idiots that are full of flattery and deciet. I don't want to seem the term of hearing God but they found my car because they hit a police car and where charged with several things. It was just a miraculous joy of my prayers of distres of what I did was awnsered through using prayer and repentence of my sins and what I had done. Still I am indebt of near 1000 dollers, its fine I'll have to work it off for months but still just that he had heard my prayers was the best feeling of relief and happiness I realized that happened.

Lucifer....usally my thoughts he does not have compassion and uses pride, hes not merciful, he will give you maybe alot of htings but he holds it to you. Like a bail bondsman that will beat you if you lie to him, even thought he is the faither of lies.


rj

 

Re: P

Posted by rjlockhart04-08 on July 30, 2012, at 13:50:53

In reply to Re: depression mindset, posted by Phillipa on July 30, 2012, at 10:05:23

hey phillipa....well I really hope this has not changed the way you view me. Much of this is through relieving distress...in thinking the spiritual side will work solutions. This really is medical website and the things I started to talk about lately are viewed as psychosis or some unknown term.

Just please don't view me badly. I still think good of you...you always been so nice to me and cared about me and that really means alot....

rj

 

Re: T » rjlockhart04-08

Posted by Tomatheus on July 30, 2012, at 14:54:18

In reply to Re: T, posted by rjlockhart04-08 on July 30, 2012, at 13:27:08

RJ,

See below for my responses to different portions of your post...

> Anyways, sorry I got off topic but you where talking about spiritual entities, which I know vary much that some how this is whats happening but i've told my psychologist about this and he told its mental construct of something the mind is trying to vent its distress, using "Lucifer" because he is one of my intrests to read about.

Your psychologist could be right. A lot of what I wrote in my last post included some of my personal beliefs, but they're not beliefs that are based as much on scientific evidence as they are on my own experiences and observations. I tend to think that spiritual entities, including Lucifer, are more than a figment of our imaginations. I do see what your psychologist is saying, and he might possibly be right in telling you that Lucifer is more of a mental construct that you created more than anything else, but I tend to see spiritual entities and the spirit world as real things that can be perceived by those who are in some way wired to be able to perceive them. So, I guess what I'm saying is that my thoughts on spirituality are more like hypotheses than statements of fact -- they're what I tend to think based on what I've experienced, but I think it's possible that I could be wrong and that other explanations might be correct.

> The biggest fear of me living life is that to live in false light of spirituality. Living a well contructed imagination of a belief system, meaning that someone talks to God but lives in error of the true living God, which is through Jesus Christ. I'm actually glad I have a pessimistic view of spirituality because it would be better to doubt that life is not all about flowers...blessings...and cupcakes that God personally sent you, with a big fat check of money because someone believed they would get it. Kinda get what I'm saying?

I think I get what you're saying. I think it goes hand in hand with what you say in your signature about avoiding false lights of enlightenment. And I think that it can be easy for all people, including those who are spiritual and say that they talk to God, to stray from the teachings of the religions that they follow. Does this mean that those who say that they talk to God are actually living in a false light? Possibly. I don't think that spirituality in itself is necessarily a bad thing, but I do think that even those who are spiritual can be materialistic and can lose track of the teachings of their religions and/or their commitments to serve others and do good works.

> But anyways, you know posting all this has caused people to change their view of me, but im not psychotic....its that I choose to see something that I can't see psychically.

I'm not saying that you're psychotic. I do think that individuals with psychotic disorders are probably more likely to be able to perceive the spirit world than those who don't have psychotic disorders, but there are also a lot of people without psychotic disorders who seem to have the ability to perceive the spirit world. Given the fact that you see a psychologist and doctor and haven't been diagnosed with a psychotic disorder, I wouldn't categorize you as being psychotic. I would say that *for me*, having an ability to perceive the spirit world began at the same time that my psychosis began. I would also say that having mystical experiences and having psychotic experiences seem to be related in some way. But I'm not saying that everybody who has an experience that is spiritual or mystical in nature is psychotic, and I'm sorry if relating my experience might have made it seem like you might also be psychotic. That was not my intent.

> I really am not a fan of going to motivational similars, psychiatric related or money related....they just tell you a bunch of stuff that "you can do it" and eleborate and intellectualize of how to live a better life, its vary cognitive hehavior thearpy with alot of motivation in the process. I like psychodynamic therpy alot but the only issue with it is taht they anaylze why you do things but they don't make a goal really to change it. I don't know that's my view....

I see what you're saying, and if you haven't found the programs that you've attended to be helpful and have given them an adequate chance, then perhaps it would be best not to attend them. I do, however, think that it would be a good idea to keep your options open and to maybe think about a form of group therapy that's different from what you've attended, such as maybe DBSA or NAMI. But ultimately, I think that you know yourself better than I do and that you should decide for yourself how to proceed with any psych program or form of group therapy. I just wanted to give you a few things to think about.

Well, that sums up my responses to your post. I hope that you've been having a good day.

Tomatheus

 

Re: T

Posted by rjlockhart04-08 on July 30, 2012, at 16:22:11

In reply to Re: T, posted by rjlockhart04-08 on July 30, 2012, at 13:27:08

I have to take something back I read over....like the part I put flowers...cupcakes...love, that is something God will do...show you his love through many ways...i just didnt put that in my previous post. I shouldt be making a statement to disencourage people of their long hard work of faith. It's just from my expierience I just have had faith errors in believing that God will give me somthing specific, that's worldy like material stuff. but i've seen people be blessed well in that manner. Just theirs some belief system out in the world that are false, but like I said im not really a scholar with philosophy to back it up. I'm just rj....

yea...anyways i really appricate you writing me back in elebroate terms.

rj

 

Re: depression mindset » rjlockhart04-08

Posted by SLS on July 30, 2012, at 16:38:31

In reply to depression mindset, posted by rjlockhart04-08 on July 30, 2012, at 0:44:52

Hi RJ.

I have been reading some of your stuff. I can't say whether of not you are a scholar, but you sure aren't as lacking in intelligence as you often describe.

A thought...

Just because Lucifer might exist does not preclude you from imagining that you have made contact with him when you really haven't. In other words, you can believe in the existence of water while walking in the desert, but that does not make a mirage any less of an illusion.

Getting back to psych stuff, it should be noted that one of the more common themes seen in psychotic mania is "religiosity". Very often, there is a preoccupation with good versus evil. Personally, I don't subscribe to that spiritual paradigm, but I did have a very strong set of beliefs in the existence of a devil when I had manic reactions to MAOIs. These included visual illusions along with the delusions. It is a very interesting phenomenon.

I cannot comment on the accuracy of your spiritual constructs. I couldn't possibly know for sure.


- Scott

 

Re: depression mindset

Posted by rjlockhart04-08 on July 30, 2012, at 20:01:11

In reply to Re: depression mindset » rjlockhart04-08, posted by SLS on July 30, 2012, at 16:38:31

its ok scott....seriously I've made it aware to myself and now trying to tell other people to be aware of false delusions in spirituality. The sad thing...i don't know if where ever going to know the correct way to believe. I've gone to spiritual motivational similars...these people can't help what they believe, even if their making an idiot out of themsevles on stage...they can't are not aware of false light and someone needs to help them get to the correct, way of thinking. And of course theirs the wolves in suits who have pale faces and preach lies, and their intent is distort, their goal is to get people astray from the light. I'm so not a scholar....i've thought about being one....its difficult to go through these doubt because of repeated failure....

anyways...thanks for the post

rj

 

Re: depression mindset » rjlockhart04-08

Posted by Phillipa on July 30, 2012, at 20:57:53

In reply to Re: depression mindset, posted by rjlockhart04-08 on July 30, 2012, at 20:01:11

I do not believe there is a correct or incorrect way for a person's belief's it's when they create behavior which doesn't fit in with society and norms that it becomes problematic. This is opinion only. Phillipa

 

Re: depression mindset

Posted by rjlockhart04-08 on July 31, 2012, at 13:06:58

In reply to Re: depression mindset » rjlockhart04-08, posted by Phillipa on July 30, 2012, at 20:57:53

yea phillipa, in the previous centuries they had the psych hospitals, well known back then for being the insane asylums. The state started to redo its system because some of their restraints where horrid treatment, this is before the release of thorazine. They used barbiturates much, but before barb's they used choral hydrate, and Paraldehyde. Before the 1800's I have no idea what medications they used besides opium and morphine. They had alcohol but its not really that effective for psyhosis because it can aggrevate its conditions to sedated drunk like behavior.

first of all, i don't go out in public and tell these things. I know people will react like they did in the similar with writing sciputres against the price of darkness and would not listen to anything else I told them once I had told them about that subject. It was a absolute mess up...i don't have religious stuff in the house...besides a couple bibles that are diffrent versions, and the book of mormon, and the uratania book. Plese don't think of me in this downward view, phillipa. The mind changes to develop new ways to view reality...during bad times, its adaptation. I started these beliefs as a relief and something new to the boring reality and sadness I've felt.

 

Re: depression mindset

Posted by rjlockhart04-08 on July 31, 2012, at 13:15:12

In reply to Re: depression mindset, posted by rjlockhart04-08 on July 31, 2012, at 13:06:58

ugh!!! i read this over and found errors all over it.

first of all, i don't go out in public and tell these things. I know people will react like they did in the seminar* with writing sciputres against the price of darkness and would not listen to anything else I told them after that*. It was a absolute mess up...i don't have religious stuff in the house...besides a couple bibles that are diffrent versions, and the book of mormon, and the uratania book. Plese don't think of me in this downward view, phillipa. The mind changes to develop new ways to view reality...during bad times, its adaptation. I started these beliefs as a relief and something new to the boring reality and sadness I've felt.

 

Re: depression mindset

Posted by rjlockhart04-08 on July 31, 2012, at 13:23:29

In reply to Re: depression mindset » rjlockhart04-08, posted by Phillipa on July 30, 2012, at 20:57:53

I apologize....im going to redo the response it was off topic and didnt relate.

No the people that can't interpret reality, or live in extreme mental abnormaties..society doesnt know what to do...usally that's commiting someone if they are known that that its a permenat state that they can never function as a citizen of what ever country they live in. Still there are alot of people who live in imagination...not stuff that normal and still can function in society because they don't disclose it...to others...it would really stupid to that. State hospitals only want their patients to be calm, undisruptive, play games and watch tv maybe in a stone concrete constructed room. I hate mental hospitals, and rehabs. I sually play along with their system and then get out.

 

Re: depression mindset

Posted by Mrose on July 31, 2012, at 15:31:07

In reply to Re: depression mindset » bleauberry, posted by Mrose on July 30, 2012, at 9:48:24

Rj, hang in there. I really feel there are combinations of meds that will really help. I don't know your history but you sound a bit manic. And you seem to be so confused and in agony at times. I pray something will work and you will finally be free. To me you are trying really hard and have had a lot of hard knocks. Don't give up. Some things take time.

 

Re: depression mindset » rjlockhart04-08

Posted by SLS on July 31, 2012, at 15:52:31

In reply to Re: depression mindset, posted by rjlockhart04-08 on July 31, 2012, at 13:23:29

Hi RJ.

In all seriousness, you have one hell of mind to work with. I am impressed with your intellect and wish to once again acknowledge that you have the intelligence to do whatever you set your mind to. The problem with having such a powerful engine is that you must learn how to control it and steer in the right direction. Any direction is fine as long as it is right for you. There is no rush to determine what works for you. You are your own project. I hope you learn and grow for as long as you live. I have a feeling that you will.

When I was involved in my "good versus evil" thing, it sure seemed important at the time. Looking back on it, I see that, for me, it was an impediment to personal growth. I was running around in circles. I was simply investing too much time, energy, and emotion into searching for answers to questions that were never asked of me, and that would not help me to become functional, positive, and productive in the corporeal lives we lead. There was no payoff to the investment. I remain spiritual, and have no need of certainty. What is, is. Now, I look for the beauty and joys that can be found in God's creation. There is just so much of it. It is infinite. Why look towards darkness when there is so much light to protect you from getting lost in it?


- Scott

 

Re: M

Posted by rjlockhart04-08 on July 31, 2012, at 21:05:12

In reply to Re: depression mindset » rjlockhart04-08, posted by SLS on July 31, 2012, at 15:52:31

thanks ... you know as ironic as this situation seems, im not manic but when I get on babble I write totally in diffrent manner than I speak. I mean If you met me in real life...the way I talk....these posts don't have the length that I try to use info here...

you know i've actaully got to admit that I use zyprexa more for anxiety relief, but its just got some wierd side effects...if the dose gets above 60mg you will feel pretty drugged and in a stupor. Some people can handle it, i've read a case of 80mg but it was a special case of schizophenia, used as a test or short term use. Usally i think those doses can cause tartive dyskenisia....alot of dopamine blockage.

i just wished I could turn these post into how I am in real life....im quiet and am not the way I present myself here on babble.

rj

 

Re: depression mindset

Posted by rjlockhart04-08 on July 31, 2012, at 23:43:23

In reply to Re: depression mindset » rjlockhart04-08, posted by SLS on July 31, 2012, at 15:52:31

yea scott, I can be intelligent...but seriously i've done things that are on the end spectrum of stupidity. My engine tends to get pumped and then go other ways intead of the main goal. It's all the inner mental disipline to force through all the temptations that will end up in vain. What I did in 2004 I got angry with my brother, and said that day I would never talk to him again, and I would rise bigger than being ordered to do things. I started to see him again in 2006 of course all my thoughts that I was better and greater had left .... they where short lived and much of it was vain. Something happened in 2008...he bailed me out of the problems I had created and offered to start me a new life. On the road down about after 60 days I started getting the impression it was a hook and I would be the scapegoat....but If I had managed to do a good job....maybe I could of avoided that situation but my work deteriated even with the use of dextroamphetamine, constantly. I was faster in talking, thinking, and had quick comebacks but overall my work ethic sucked and I didnt know what to do...after time I got repremanded of the costly errors I made, I just said that I was not in the best intrest of the firm. After that I went down....stayed at this current state ... from febuary 2009 till now. When dextroamphetamine was stopped my whole thinking process started going back to my really bad unfocused energy. That's why I began methamphetamine use about a year ago, but im clean...about month or two...
Still I know I have the capacity to get out into the world and become effective in career and with people...its just there is something blocking that from happeneing. It's alot of stuff I don't feel like yakking about.

---Why look towards darkness when there is so much light to protect you from getting lost in it?

-Sometimes alot of the light we see in the world looks glorious, the highest feeling of superiorty but the only thing is that it will fade...some of the lights we see that are ment to be inspiration don't relate to the original teachings of religion. I'm not speaking against it...its just religion has gone commerical in some aspects. You don't get that sacred feeling of being healed by Jesus Christ. Society changes its views over decades and centuraies, it can't be critized because its the natural process how things change over time. Still there are alot of dishonest people who place themsevles in the authority of God, or demonic powers in heavenly places.
______________________________________

But still I havent lost all my idealism to make a better life than this right now, but i've got to get help because my system are defective at times, and if I don't put it into overdrive I usally fail. That's why I absolutely drive myself near psychsis because it takes alot more strain to do things than the normal person who has no strain at all from doing a task or...daily things in life.

thanks for the post..

rj


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