Psycho-Babble Medication Thread 1019410

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happiness' impervious barrier

Posted by b2chica on June 7, 2012, at 15:27:56

i have decided that happiness is an unobtainable goal for me.
i've given up hope as my pdoc is assured that my issue is psychological, well, i will always have a crappy job (if one at all), my girlfriend will most likely always have self-esteem issues that i will help her with, my memories of abuse will continue. so yes its true. i suck, and my life sucks wind because of my environment. but my environment wont change.
and honestly i dont think it all effects me that deeply. i dont care if i loose my job, ill just apply for disability. i dont care if my friend gets stuck with a loser boyfriend, its her life not mine. i know my DH can be a d*ck. i married him...i know this. but he has good days too.

i cant get my head above water and my pdoc doesnt seem to want to try any other meds.
i'm tired of trying with him.
i just met with T. i told her how i was feeling, and she kept saying to that life is what i make it. well i try. i'm doing everything people say, trying to eat right, trying to get outside everyday, trying to exercise everyday, trying to distract myself with little hobbies.
i'm doing it all....
and i still dont care
i still struggle to get out of bed, always wanting to crawl back in.
i still struggle to put on my 'happy face' for everyone around. cuz their sick of me saying "i'm tired" or God forbid i actually say i'm feeling depressed.

i want to take all my pills, but i'll probably convulse, throw up on myself and have to clean all that up. probably break an arm in the process.

i can feel happiness near me, i know when my children are playing in the sprinkler laughing with the sun on them that its the most beautiful thing, yet my heart feels a barrier around it, that i know happiness is near, that i'm pretending to feel it but it doesnt sink in. i dont truly feel it.

maybe all happiness is a ruse

i give up.
:(

 

Re: happiness' impervious barrier » b2chica

Posted by Phillipa on June 7, 2012, at 15:47:48

In reply to happiness' impervious barrier, posted by b2chica on June 7, 2012, at 15:27:56

B2Chica I kindda know how you feel. You can do all the right things and still the inside of your head doesn't change.

Does Hubby know how you are feeling. I truly feel you should discuss with him and ask him to help out more. Maybe you are trying too hard? Maybe try to enjoy your little girls. You do so much. I truly don't know what to say but please hang in there? Phillipa

 

Re: happiness' impervious barrier » b2chica

Posted by phidippus on June 7, 2012, at 20:43:59

In reply to happiness' impervious barrier, posted by b2chica on June 7, 2012, at 15:27:56

I had the same problem. Then I found Buprenorphine. Very happy stuff.

Eric

 

Re: happiness' impervious barrier » b2chica

Posted by novelagent on June 8, 2012, at 0:06:58

In reply to happiness' impervious barrier, posted by b2chica on June 7, 2012, at 15:27:56

If you think your life sucks now, quit your job and take disability. It's like being in jail, because you have nothing to do all day, only it's more depressing, because you have the sense, because of your supposed freedom, you also have infinite possibilities to pursue at any given moment of your half-dead existence. Possbilities you will never pursue, but hypothetically might, and for that, imprisoning.

I'm going back to school full-time just because I'd kill to have to do a paper or read a textbook right now, because at least I'd have something to do then.

> i have decided that happiness is an unobtainable goal for me.
> i've given up hope as my pdoc is assured that my issue is psychological, well, i will always have a crappy job (if one at all), my girlfriend will most likely always have self-esteem issues that i will help her with, my memories of abuse will continue. so yes its true. i suck, and my life sucks wind because of my environment. but my environment wont change.
> and honestly i dont think it all effects me that deeply. i dont care if i loose my job, ill just apply for disability. i dont care if my friend gets stuck with a loser boyfriend, its her life not mine. i know my DH can be a d*ck. i married him...i know this. but he has good days too.
>
> i cant get my head above water and my pdoc doesnt seem to want to try any other meds.
> i'm tired of trying with him.
> i just met with T. i told her how i was feeling, and she kept saying to that life is what i make it. well i try. i'm doing everything people say, trying to eat right, trying to get outside everyday, trying to exercise everyday, trying to distract myself with little hobbies.
> i'm doing it all....
> and i still dont care
> i still struggle to get out of bed, always wanting to crawl back in.
> i still struggle to put on my 'happy face' for everyone around. cuz their sick of me saying "i'm tired" or God forbid i actually say i'm feeling depressed.
>
> i want to take all my pills, but i'll probably convulse, throw up on myself and have to clean all that up. probably break an arm in the process.
>
> i can feel happiness near me, i know when my children are playing in the sprinkler laughing with the sun on them that its the most beautiful thing, yet my heart feels a barrier around it, that i know happiness is near, that i'm pretending to feel it but it doesnt sink in. i dont truly feel it.
>
> maybe all happiness is a ruse
>
> i give up.
> :(


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