Psycho-Babble Medication Thread 1002146

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Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain

Posted by gadchik on November 10, 2011, at 15:18:56

In reply to I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain, posted by ihatedrugs on November 10, 2011, at 10:45:03

> No matter how much I try, it's all useless. Wouldn't wish this disease on my worst enemy.

When it comes to your life,you can never try hard enough.This is a disease,I feel for you,I know how impossible it feels.Ive laid in the bed staring for weeks,thinking its never gonna be ok.But 1 day you will come back,youll taste food again,enjoy a tv show,feel good,gradually.Be good to yourself,do something for someone else who is suffering,keep going.

 

Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain » gadchik

Posted by Phillipa on November 10, 2011, at 21:07:00

In reply to Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain » gadchik, posted by gadchik on November 10, 2011, at 12:15:55

Do get the bike ride of 6 miles in daily unless weather horrible and boy this helps so much. I lack in the higher power as was brought up with no religious upbringing. Talking to someone is sometimes possible and sometimes not. I don't feel there will ever be that place I had til menopause. They physical problems became issues. Can't control aging. Phillipa

 

Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain » gadchik

Posted by ihatedrugs on November 11, 2011, at 2:51:05

In reply to Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain, posted by gadchik on November 10, 2011, at 11:53:08

I've taken pretty much every med in the spectrum.
I've been praying to a God who seems to listen to a selected few excluding me.
I have an abundance of love and support.
I don't have financial problems.
I actually have no major problems.
I have climbed out of the pithole of despair so many times only to fall back in deeper than the last time.
I excersise, live in Florida (plenty of sun) take vitamins, supplements etc.
I have been happily married for 25 years and raised two daughters who attend Ivy league schools and are wonderful young women in every sense.
I have nothing to be sad about yet I am so deeply sad and it hurts so much and I wonder how much longer I am willing to endure this pain. I take my meds which either work only to eventually peter out or cause so many side effects making me more miserable or don't work at all.
I tried ECT but felt so bad after the first treatment couldn't bring myself to go back for the others.
I have suffered from this disease since age 19 which appeared out of the blue for no apparent reason. Began treatment at age 33 and it's been an uphill battle since.
I'm tired of doctors, meds, people telling me to be positive. I'm tired of envying people who laugh, people who love to go shopping, who get excited about the holidays. I hate the sound of birds chirping, of waterfalls, of the ocean. I'm afraid I'm holding my husband back. He loves to travel, and socialize and sip a good Cabernet. I used to love all these things but now I can't bring myself to enjoy anything. I'm so tired and so disillusioned and wonder if God really wanted me to live, why would he allow this. At least, people with cancer die but we don't; we are condemned to live in this hellish purgatory and we are supposed to endure it and take it. The thought of living like this 30 more years petrifies me. I don't know how much longer I can do this.

 

Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain

Posted by gadchik on November 11, 2011, at 7:28:08

In reply to Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain » gadchik, posted by ihatedrugs on November 11, 2011, at 2:51:05

I think there is a big difference when depression hits out of the blue,as opposed to being situational.I realize now, that what I have been thru is not comparable to your suffering.I still want you to know that I wish for you something that will pull you out of this pain.

 

Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain » gadchik

Posted by ihatedrugs on November 11, 2011, at 11:21:03

In reply to Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain, posted by gadchik on November 11, 2011, at 7:28:08

There is definitely a big difference between situational depression and MMD. They both hurt but anyone suffering from MMD with little response from meds carries a heavy burden. I'm just so frustrated as are so many in this forum. I just have to work at getting my sense of hope and have faith it will get better; though at this point it's been very hard.
I'm sorry for my rant. I didn't mean to be harsh. I thank you for caring and appreciate your words. HOPEFULLY, my new combo of meds will do the trick.

 

Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain » ihatedrugs

Posted by gadchik on November 11, 2011, at 11:45:40

In reply to Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain » gadchik, posted by ihatedrugs on November 11, 2011, at 11:21:03

Im glad you responded.Ive thought about you alot,and have let myself wonder what it must feel like for you.Ranting is good for you,feel free to do so.I shouldnt have assumed that you could get happy by listening to birds chirping.Im just going thru a weird gratitude thing now w/the world.I felt dead for so many months,and its like being born when you come out.I want everyone to experience it.But I know I cant will you well.

 

Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain » gadchik

Posted by ihatedrugs on November 11, 2011, at 12:06:23

In reply to Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain » ihatedrugs, posted by gadchik on November 11, 2011, at 11:45:40

> Im glad you responded.Ive thought about you alot,and have let myself wonder what it must feel like for you.Ranting is good for you,feel free to do so.I shouldnt have assumed that you could get happy by listening to birds chirping.Im just going thru a weird gratitude thing now w/the world.I felt dead for so many months,and its like being born when you come out.I want everyone to experience it.But I know I cant will you well.

I'm glad you are in a good place now and I know you meant well. Thank you for you kind words.

 

Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain » ihatedrugs

Posted by gadchik on November 11, 2011, at 12:17:03

In reply to Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain » gadchik, posted by ihatedrugs on November 11, 2011, at 12:06:23

You're welcome.I want you to know that I could go back to that evil,desolate place that resides somewhere deep in my brain.Im not this person that got healed and will now have a perfect life.It can happen to me again.I do worry because I will never forget it.

 

Lou's response-phahthrzhowz » ihatedrugs

Posted by Lou Pilder on November 11, 2011, at 15:53:29

In reply to Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain » gadchik, posted by ihatedrugs on November 11, 2011, at 2:51:05

> I've taken pretty much every med in the spectrum.
> I've been praying to a God who seems to listen to a selected few excluding me.
> I have an abundance of love and support.
> I don't have financial problems.
> I actually have no major problems.
> I have climbed out of the pithole of despair so many times only to fall back in deeper than the last time.
> I excersise, live in Florida (plenty of sun) take vitamins, supplements etc.
> I have been happily married for 25 years and raised two daughters who attend Ivy league schools and are wonderful young women in every sense.
> I have nothing to be sad about yet I am so deeply sad and it hurts so much and I wonder how much longer I am willing to endure this pain. I take my meds which either work only to eventually peter out or cause so many side effects making me more miserable or don't work at all.
> I tried ECT but felt so bad after the first treatment couldn't bring myself to go back for the others.
> I have suffered from this disease since age 19 which appeared out of the blue for no apparent reason. Began treatment at age 33 and it's been an uphill battle since.
> I'm tired of doctors, meds, people telling me to be positive. I'm tired of envying people who laugh, people who love to go shopping, who get excited about the holidays. I hate the sound of birds chirping, of waterfalls, of the ocean. I'm afraid I'm holding my husband back. He loves to travel, and socialize and sip a good Cabernet. I used to love all these things but now I can't bring myself to enjoy anything. I'm so tired and so disillusioned and wonder if God really wanted me to live, why would he allow this. At least, people with cancer die but we don't; we are condemned to live in this hellish purgatory and we are supposed to endure it and take it. The thought of living like this 30 more years petrifies me. I don't know how, much longer I can do this.

ihds,
You wrote,
[...pithole of dispair...how much longer...this psin...making me more miserable...appeared out of the blue...uphill battle...I used to love...why would he (God) allow this...condemned to live in this hellish...I don't know how much longer I can...].
I have found myself here and know of what you are writing about. And I know of a way out of the situation that you are in. You see, I have experianced what you describe. I was in a depression like you describe. I went to a psychiatrist and he gave me what he called an antidepressant. Then I went into a deeper depression and experianced all of the things that psychotic people describe. Then I found out that the drug that the doctor gave me had in its lituratiure that it could cause depression and all of the other symptoms that I had. Even suicide thinking, from the drug, even akethesia and other symptoms. It took me quite awhile after stopping the drug for those to go away, and I am left with other damage from the doctor's prescribed {antidepressant} to me.
You see, I had an encounter with a Rider on a White Horse and he brought me to a valley that was full of bones. The bones could number those of a million people, like a sea of bones.
And He said to me, "Son of man, can these bones live?" Then He said to me, "Tell these dry bones of The Word of God and it will cause breath to enter into them and they shall live."
The He said to me, "These ar the bones of the whole house of the Lost Sheep. These are those that say,'Our bones are dry, our hope is lost, and we ourselves are cut off". "So say to them that their graves could be opened and that they will come up from their graves and they will be brought into a land of peace."
I have been talking here about two realms. One of the nature that one os born in that is called the flesh nature, which has been revealed to me to be death. And the other is a new nature, a spiritual nature, a new realm, which has been reveald to me to be life, and life more abundantly. I was once in that flesh state, the state of the dead. This new realm is from above, from heaven, and there is perfect peace there that as revealed to me has been prepared for us. If you believe in God, believe in me also. It has been revealed to me that the dry bones that I was shown are those that are in the condition that you describe here. And I can tell you today that those bones can live, for I have come back from the dead.
Lou

 

Re: Lou's response-phahthrzhowz » Lou Pilder

Posted by Phillipa on November 11, 2011, at 19:20:09

In reply to Lou's response-phahthrzhowz » ihatedrugs, posted by Lou Pilder on November 11, 2011, at 15:53:29

Lou what was the antidressant? Seriously? I'd like to know and research this medication. Was this the first and last antidepressant you ever took? Phillipa

 

Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain » ihatedrugs

Posted by uncouth on November 11, 2011, at 19:47:21

In reply to Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain » gadchik, posted by ihatedrugs on November 11, 2011, at 2:51:05

ihatedrugs,

i'm so very sorry for your pain. i wish i could solve it or offer any suggestions, but i'd say don't give up with the ECT. you're not in a state to be making good judgements about your own health. do it. do it as long as it takes. keep doing it. some people need 50+ before it kicks in.

also I just wanted to say, your post was so simply written but said so very much. i don't know if you've read the book Infinite Jest, but it sorta changed my life. It won't solve your problems, but the writer David Foster Wallace suffered from severe depression and addiction and this 1000 page novel has the most beautiful and accurate portrayal of mental illness including its description of depression...anyway the point is, you remind me of one of the chapters about a man who slipped and fell (this is all fiction but he writes it so well) in his basement one day and woke up in the ER with the most soul crushing depression that wouldn't go away. and nobody understood. but he kept on going on despite all.

i have been in places similar to where you are. i had 23 sessions of ECT. which didn't help things, but I eventuallyr ecovered despite that.

i don't know what things will happen to you, but just keep trying. see if you can get into some ketamine trials
or tell your doctor to let you try riluzole
anything
something
keep trying
please, please, keep reaching out. if you have to post 10x a day on psychobabble, then do it. we are here for you. i have found the most sensitive and understanding people on this board, over the years, it has been a godsend.

i'm so sorry for your pain.

 

Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain

Posted by Deneb on November 11, 2011, at 22:30:07

In reply to Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain » gadchik, posted by ihatedrugs on November 11, 2011, at 2:51:05

This might sound crazy, but have you thought of a total life change or something? Maybe just being in a different environment would help.

It sounds to me like you have the perfect life if it weren't for the depression. My life is a mess. I'll be 30 in about a month and I still live with my parents and make a minimum wage. But, guess what? I'm happy!

I think the thing that helped me most was finding my crappy minimum wage job. I was a student before and wasn't working, but even though my job sucks (doing surveys over the phone with people), just having this job makes me feel good about myself. I feel like I'm being productive. I have friends there now. I get to socialize now.

Maybe you could do something productive, like volunteer or something if you don't need the money. Just knowing that others depend on me changes my perspective. Maybe try helping other people. I think depression is a very selfish illness. Maybe focusing on other people will help!

I would recommend helping other people who are less fortunate. Then you can truly appreciate how great your life is.

 

Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain » uncouth

Posted by ihatedrugs on November 11, 2011, at 23:12:41

In reply to Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain » ihatedrugs, posted by uncouth on November 11, 2011, at 19:47:21

Thank you for your words. I've been feeling a little better today. The last two days were very difficult as I am beginning yet another new med (Viibrid). I was doing sort of ok or at least I wanted to believe so, but the anxiety came like a fast flood, however today it has eased up a little. I'm sorry about my rant but this illness keeps on eroding my spirit. I think that if my present med regimen doesn't work out, I will have to try another psychiatrist as mine seems to be giving up on me. Thanks for the book recommendation; I will definitely read it. And thank you for your concern. It's always reassuring to hear about someone else's recovery.

 

Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain » Deneb

Posted by ihatedrugs on November 12, 2011, at 0:05:01

In reply to Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain, posted by Deneb on November 11, 2011, at 22:30:07

Oh boy, I should show my husband your post then tell him I'm moving to Paris. :) I've actually always loved the idea of volunteering. I am a high school teacher and as daunting as some people may find this profession, it is actually pretty rewarding. I've taken a two month medical leave to try to figure a new med regimen. I'm also an artist, however I don't have the time to work on my art when I teach. So in a sense, I am at a crossroads because as much as I love teaching and my students, I also want to go back to making art. But for now, I just want to feel well. I am pretty fortunate (sans this evil disease) as I truly love my husband as he loves me and supports me unconditionally. I think this is why I get so frustrated because I have never been able to find one reason to feel this sad and as much as I keep telling myself that I have to accept my condition for what it is -an illness- I find myself resisting and fighting this notion. My husband tells me that I should seek counseling not so much to alleviate the depression but to learn to accept it as a life long condition that will come and go. If it would only just leave for good.

 

Re: Lou's response-phahthrzhowz » Lou Pilder

Posted by ihatedrugs on November 12, 2011, at 0:27:46

In reply to Lou's response-phahthrzhowz » ihatedrugs, posted by Lou Pilder on November 11, 2011, at 15:53:29

Thank you Lou. There is a say in Spanish that says "God may squeeze your neck but will never choke you" (sounds a lot better in Spanish) which I guess is the equivalent to "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger". I guess what made me mention God with such anger (which BTW I normally don't do as I was raised Catholic and the nuns did a good job in the guilt-inflicting department)was the fact that I was crying and talking to my mom and she kept on saying that she would pray for me and that everything was going to be ok. I snapped and asked her why would God listen to her and not me. But to be honest He is what I hold on to. I just want the pain to stop. So I hope, soon, I get to go to the realm you are in as it sounds much lovelier than mine.

 

Lou's reply-graytgholpf » ihatedrugs

Posted by Lou Pilder on November 12, 2011, at 8:26:24

In reply to Re: Lou's response-phahthrzhowz » Lou Pilder, posted by ihatedrugs on November 12, 2011, at 0:27:46

> Thank you Lou. There is a say in Spanish that says "God may squeeze your neck but will never choke you" (sounds a lot better in Spanish) which I guess is the equivalent to "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger". I guess what made me mention God with such anger (which BTW I normally don't do as I was raised Catholic and the nuns did a good job in the guilt-inflicting department)was the fact that I was crying and talking to my mom and she kept on saying that she would pray for me and that everything was going to be ok. I snapped and asked her why would God listen to her and not me. But to be honest He is what I hold on to. I just want the pain to stop. So I hope, soon, I get to go to the realm you are in as it sounds much lovelier than mine.

ihd,
You wrote,[...I hope, soon, I get to go to the realm you are in as it sounds much lovelier than mine...].
I have written here some concerning how one can be in that realm but Mr. Hsiung has posted prohibitions to me that prohibit me from posting here what could give people the knowledge to enter thhat realm.
Here is a link to some of what I have been attempting to have members know so that they could overcome addiction, and depression and be led to a new life free of the pain you describe.
Lou
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faiith/200800404/msgs/837578.html

 

correction-Lou's reply-graytgholpf

Posted by Lou Pilder on November 12, 2011, at 8:29:54

In reply to Lou's reply-graytgholpf » ihatedrugs, posted by Lou Pilder on November 12, 2011, at 8:26:24

> > Thank you Lou. There is a say in Spanish that says "God may squeeze your neck but will never choke you" (sounds a lot better in Spanish) which I guess is the equivalent to "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger". I guess what made me mention God with such anger (which BTW I normally don't do as I was raised Catholic and the nuns did a good job in the guilt-inflicting department)was the fact that I was crying and talking to my mom and she kept on saying that she would pray for me and that everything was going to be ok. I snapped and asked her why would God listen to her and not me. But to be honest He is what I hold on to. I just want the pain to stop. So I hope, soon, I get to go to the realm you are in as it sounds much lovelier than mine.
>
> ihd,
> You wrote,[...I hope, soon, I get to go to the realm you are in as it sounds much lovelier than mine...].
> I have written here some concerning how one can be in that realm but Mr. Hsiung has posted prohibitions to me that prohibit me from posting here what could give people the knowledge to enter thhat realm.
> Here is a link to some of what I have been attempting to have members know so that they could overcome addiction, and depression and be led to a new life free of the pain you describe.
> Lou
> http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faiith/200800404/msgs/837578.html

corrected:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faith/20080404/msgs/837578.html

 

Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain

Posted by Raisinb on November 12, 2011, at 9:59:12

In reply to Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain » Deneb, posted by ihatedrugs on November 12, 2011, at 0:05:01

I am in a similar place as you right now. After countless drugs and different therapies, it is almost impossible to summon that tiny bit of faith it takes to try yet another thing.

What your husband is saying sounds a lot like ACT: acceptance and commitment therapy. I am just learning about it now, reading a book. One of the big ideas is that we have clean pain and dirty pain. Clean pain is our original depression. Dirty pain is all the pain that comes from feeling upset about the depression, trying to distract ourselves, trying to suppress it, feeling desperate, etc.

 

Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain » Raisinb

Posted by floatingbridge on November 12, 2011, at 16:45:41

In reply to Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain, posted by Raisinb on November 12, 2011, at 9:59:12

Raisin,

What book are you reading? My therapist and I spoke of this very thing last week.

 

Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain » ihatedrugs

Posted by floatingbridge on November 12, 2011, at 16:49:05

In reply to Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain » gadchik, posted by ihatedrugs on November 11, 2011, at 2:51:05

I'm sorry Ihd. Have you had periods of remission or of an easing of symptoms?

I'm curiuos how you made it to 33 w/o treatment.

 

Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain » ihatedrugs

Posted by Phillipa on November 12, 2011, at 18:58:08

In reply to Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain » gadchik, posted by ihatedrugs on November 11, 2011, at 2:51:05

If you have been on meds for 33 years does this make you pre or post menopausal as hormones can play havock with depression/anxiety. Just a thought? Phillipa

 

Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain » floatingbridge

Posted by ihatedrugs on November 13, 2011, at 2:22:12

In reply to Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain » ihatedrugs, posted by floatingbridge on November 12, 2011, at 16:49:05

> I'm sorry Ihd. Have you had periods of remission or of an easing of symptoms?
>
> I'm curiuos how you made it to 33 w/o treatment.

I've had periods of remission, in fact, before I sought treatment my depression was episodic. It would come out of the blue last from 3 to 6 months and then go away. It manifested itself in a sort of pattern. It would begin in the Spring and would lift by Fall. I remember loving the Fall season and used to think it was because of the cooler weather until one day it dawned on me that I never felt depressed during those months.
I didn't seek treatment because I didn't want to accept this disease and since I had periods of remission, I would tell myself that it would be the last one. However, each subsequent episode was more intense and decided to seek help. I didn't suffer from anxiety only profound sadness accompanied by uncontrollable crying. I learned to supress the crying and became a master at making people think I was the jolliest person at any party. For the longest time the thought of any one finding out was unthinkable. I was so concerned about what others would think. Anyways, now I don't care as I'm older and hopefully wiser. The last 3 years have complicated matters as I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia/CFS although I would say is more CFS as I don't have much pain.
How have you been doing?

 

Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain » Phillipa

Posted by ihatedrugs on November 13, 2011, at 2:30:47

In reply to Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain » ihatedrugs, posted by Phillipa on November 12, 2011, at 18:58:08

> If you have been on meds for 33 years does this make you pre or post menopausal as hormones can play havock with depression/anxiety. Just a thought? Phillipa

I began taking meds at 33 and am now 47 so I'm sure hormones do not feel like playing nice now. Not that they ever did; I've had PMS since my early 20's; Yet never suffered from Post-partum depression. Go figure.

 

Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain

Posted by Raisinb on November 13, 2011, at 3:11:12

In reply to Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain » Raisinb, posted by floatingbridge on November 12, 2011, at 16:45:41

Hi fb,
It is called act for depression:: a guide for clinicians. I always find reading the ones for therapists more helpful than hose written for clients, which are dumbed down and patronizing.

 

Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain » ihatedrugs

Posted by floatingbridge on November 13, 2011, at 6:49:14

In reply to Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain » floatingbridge, posted by ihatedrugs on November 13, 2011, at 2:22:12

Is the episodic nature a form of bipolar without mania or hypomania?

I'm o.k. The fibro I have is almost CFS. There is something about fatigue for me that feels or is like depression. As I mentioned to Raisin, I was talking with my therapist because this feels so Job-like. After years of depression to become sick is like being robbed. Life throws some big curves, but I'm not dead. Idk.

I'm sorry you have had to deal with what you describe. I'm glad you are teaching and love your students and have accomplished all you have. I did not know you were also an artist. I wish you had the time to disappear into your studio.


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