Psycho-Babble Medication Thread 946827

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me after this experience

Posted by Hunk20 on May 23, 2010, at 0:11:50

In reply to Nardil so far, posted by Hunk20 on May 22, 2010, at 23:39:45

and i got a motivation for a job. Help people, because all these people grabbed a heart and helped me.. I feel like this gives me a sense of purpose and it makes me happy. I was feeling so sh*tty because i forgot who i am. A sensitive person with a good big heart.
I wont be blinded by the money like bro and dad. Never again. I wanna help folks out because i believe in the good now and theres a lot of people in serious trouble out there.

If nobody did i would have died an emotional death SERIOUSLY. All the pain at once. The mom of my host family gave me a hug while i was crying and saying how i feel. That was the first time i actually felt healthy love. She said "you are gonna be fine". And she believed in it you know. Not the fake sh*t that i heard in my family. I am endlessly thankful for this. This is exactly what never happened in my life.

Sometimes at night or when things get tough i pray to god.. didnt do this since primary school. I was SO far away from him. I never want to go back to being the selfish prick i was and feeling completly empty and numb. Im really scared this will ever happen.
Im very serious about changing myself for the better, being able to give people love and of course recieve a little too.
You know i see a homeless person and buy him a hotdog. Do you know how happy that makes me? i NEVER felt this. Before this whole thing i wouldnt have even seen him.


 

Re: me after this experience Hunk20

Posted by Phillipa on May 23, 2010, at 18:26:23

In reply to me after this experience, posted by Hunk20 on May 23, 2010, at 0:11:50

Hunk that sounds healthy. Phillipa

 

Re: me after this experience

Posted by Hunk20 on May 23, 2010, at 23:51:56

In reply to Re: me after this experience Hunk20, posted by Phillipa on May 23, 2010, at 18:26:23

thanks phillipa. well it wasnt all nardil of course.. i think people often tend to give the drug too much credit. You know covering things up with meds and staying partly in denial.

It was me, the situation and the support of nardil.

It was that i didnt run back home to germany even though it seemed like my stay in the usa isnt good for me anymore(wich of course my brother told me;). The last thing i wanted is that everything like it used to be again. Got kicked outta the host family because i spoke up, lived in a hotel room, am all alone in a foreign country with all this. Risked cutting myself financially, went to therapy even though i couldnt really pay it. I had the attitude f*ck it im going through whatever needs to be gone through. I risked my life for it.

But thats exactly what i needed to do. Stayed here even though the troubles coming. Nardil is exactly the kinda support i need. This is the place and time to go through it.
I am now speaking up against my folks in denial. Bro and Dad. My bro tries to manipulate me back to the "me" he likes. He quit contact to me. He is sick. I told him that i cant be manipulated and that its sad that he tries to. And i told him now at least i know that our friendship was fake. Gotta tell the devil that you know what he is.

I hope these guys wake up one day. Its hard to watch all this and of course i miss my real brother and father. These guys are sick.

Thanks for the good words. I think ill be in the psychology part of the forum for a while to not overload the med forum with my stories;)

If you have questions about nardil or comments please go ahead.

 

How common is that kind of healing?

Posted by Hunk20 on May 25, 2010, at 18:57:09

In reply to Re: NARDIL (Phenelzine) 4 weeks in, posted by Hunk20 on May 14, 2010, at 22:21:00

I was a complete fake.. it feels like now i can actually occasionally say something that comes from the center of my heart you know?

I kind of only hang with people, that accept my history. You know i just let them know when the conversation leads there.


Feels weird somehow. Many people would say im completly nuts, but thats the 70% of the population that has something??

i still dont get it.. but it feels like my way. I can see the mentally healthy people now. and i make the others uncomfortable you know. like it used to be for me

 

Re: NARDIL EPIPHANY GODSENT Hunk20

Posted by bulldog2 on May 26, 2010, at 15:39:34

In reply to NARDIL EPIPHANY GODSENT, posted by Hunk20 on May 21, 2010, at 12:40:21

> Ok people good news..
>
> im kinda doing as horrible as ever and as good as ever. I feel my heart again. I see the whole world in different eyes. I got to say this is the first time i gave any antidepressant a try and i went for the hardest but there is no more important thing than my soul to me.
>
> Im feeling it, i feel all the pain, and i feel love from people who can give it and i love FEELING. I can even give a little back. To me depression is a disease of the heart. I just looked away because it was too tough to take. And i almost went down feeling it, but i will hold onto it.
>
> Doing lots of therapy, letting it all out, showing people who i really am and its GOOD.
> I had an "emotion attack" shivering all over my body and singing this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kc3Za3jfvJg . It was AWESOME.
>
> No i aint hypomanic, im free.
>
> You hang in there guys there is hope i feel for you. You CAN get there!
>
> Will check back in and tell you more if you want to.. im alone in a foreign country (usa) and im finding to myself here

Yes you are connecting to the universal God. Just let go and let yourself fall and fall. You are feeling and becoming God. You are part of everything and all is part of you.You see and feel all that is false and useless and you laugh at it. You are the truth and the truth is in you. Fall..fall......You are eternal and will never die...

 

Re: NARDIL EPIPHANY GODSENT bulldog2

Posted by SLS on May 26, 2010, at 17:00:57

In reply to Re: NARDIL EPIPHANY GODSENT Hunk20, posted by bulldog2 on May 26, 2010, at 15:39:34

> Yes you are connecting to the universal God. Just let go and let yourself fall and fall. You are feeling and becoming God. You are part of everything and all is part of you.You see and feel all that is false and useless and you laugh at it. You are the truth and the truth is in you. Fall..fall......You are eternal and will never die...

That's some pretty heavy-duty stuff. Just be careful.


- Scott

 

Re: NARDIL EPIPHANY GODSENT

Posted by bulldog2 on May 26, 2010, at 17:28:44

In reply to Re: NARDIL EPIPHANY GODSENT bulldog2, posted by SLS on May 26, 2010, at 17:00:57

> > Yes you are connecting to the universal God. Just let go and let yourself fall and fall. You are feeling and becoming God. You are part of everything and all is part of you.You see and feel all that is false and useless and you laugh at it. You are the truth and the truth is in you. Fall..fall......You are eternal and will never die...
>
> That's some pretty heavy-duty stuff. Just be careful.
>
>
> - Scott

Yes I see what you mean. For all those reading my post it is metaphorical only and not meant to imply physical actions of any kind. Inspired by Eastern Religious philosophy.

 

Re: NARDIL EPIPHANY GODSENT bulldog2

Posted by SLS on May 26, 2010, at 17:41:55

In reply to Re: NARDIL EPIPHANY GODSENT, posted by bulldog2 on May 26, 2010, at 17:28:44

> > > Yes you are connecting to the universal God. Just let go and let yourself fall and fall. You are feeling and becoming God. You are part of everything and all is part of you.You see and feel all that is false and useless and you laugh at it. You are the truth and the truth is in you. Fall..fall......You are eternal and will never die...
> >
> > That's some pretty heavy-duty stuff. Just be careful.
> >
> >
> > - Scott
>
> Yes I see what you mean. For all those reading my post it is metaphorical only and not meant to imply physical actions of any kind. Inspired by Eastern Religious philosophy.

Cool.

:-)


- Scott

 

Re: NARDIL EPIPHANY GODSENT

Posted by Hunk20 on May 27, 2010, at 3:06:54

In reply to Re: NARDIL EPIPHANY GODSENT bulldog2, posted by SLS on May 26, 2010, at 17:41:55

I felt like a poem... after having enourmous anger about my father having prevented me from ever being myself. The whole family was a fake. I never felt love.

But guys what am i becoming here?? This is mentally healthy?

How many people are really mentally healthy? Who can i even talk to about this.
I came to therapy angry like hell... and left with feeling like a poem.
I felt love and joy the first time in my life. I was myself for the first time of my life.

Thats scary stuff^^ anything i need to be caereful with? talking to my family in denial? can i tell them they "have something"??

 

Re: NARDIL EPIPHANY GODSENT Hunk20

Posted by SLS on May 27, 2010, at 6:14:47

In reply to Re: NARDIL EPIPHANY GODSENT, posted by Hunk20 on May 27, 2010, at 3:06:54

> Thats scary stuff^^ anything i need to be caereful with? talking to my family in denial? can i tell them they "have something"??

What would come of your confronting your family? Would it change things for the better? Would it serve their best interests or simply relieve you of your anger and resentments? Are they open and ready for change, or entrenched in their dysfunctional dynamics? They might feel like you are shoving guilt down their throats if you explain to them the role their behaviors played in your life.

Your family might have a difficult time encountering and accepting the "new you". To them, you might seem to be acting strangely. It might take some time for them to adapt. Roles might change. Perhaps this is as much as you can expect from them right now.

I don't think there is a universal script that you can follow during this time of change. Don't be in too much of a rush to write it.


- Scott

 

already konfronted my father..

Posted by Hunk20 on May 27, 2010, at 7:38:36

In reply to Re: NARDIL EPIPHANY GODSENT Hunk20, posted by SLS on May 27, 2010, at 6:14:47

Yeah.. i wanted to write it to my mom because she is stronger than she thinks she is...

but for some odd reason i wrote it to my father. lol

So he knows what i think about him

 

Re: already konfronted my father..

Posted by SLS on May 27, 2010, at 7:42:05

In reply to already konfronted my father.., posted by Hunk20 on May 27, 2010, at 7:38:36

> Yeah.. i wanted to write it to my mom because she is stronger than she thinks she is...
>
> but for some odd reason i wrote it to my father. lol
>
> So he knows what i think about him


I hope everything turns out okay.


- Scott

 

Re: already konfronted my father..

Posted by Hunk20 on May 27, 2010, at 14:42:13

In reply to Re: already konfronted my father.., posted by SLS on May 27, 2010, at 7:42:05

Thanks.. seems like it did for you.

Glad to see that there IS a way out.Glad you made it. I never imagined that this is possible.

Never thought the world could be that beautiful

 

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE??

Posted by Hunk20 on May 27, 2010, at 19:23:23

In reply to Re: already konfronted my father.., posted by Hunk20 on May 27, 2010, at 14:42:13

Am i becoming nuts or are other people nuts??

Can somebody explain to me what is going on with me?.. I cant be social anymore... im scared when im not in that "i love everything mode. I put "a disturbed child crying for attention on my fbook".. then i got terribly angry about it the next morning. I went to therapy.. and let everything go.. rejected everything in my past and let anger about my parents out. Anger that i never recieved that thing called LOVE and that that made me act like them, which means nuts. I let anger about that out and felt like a poem.

Then i go out and feel LOVE everywhere, didnt even need anything. I was really playful. Is this some kind of inner child healing??

It felt too good to be true.. i dont know who i am anymore. I flip back and forth.

CAN SOMEBODY HELP ME IS SOMEBODY LIKE ME?

 

Re: WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?? Hunk20

Posted by Conundrum on May 27, 2010, at 20:10:32

In reply to WHAT IS GOING ON HERE??, posted by Hunk20 on May 27, 2010, at 19:23:23

Sounds like what my grandmom went through when she was young and was taking too high a dose. Said she started to have strange thoughts and was going psychotic. I would watch it. You can have too much of a good thing.

 

Re: WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?? Hunk20

Posted by Phillipa on May 27, 2010, at 20:24:10

In reply to WHAT IS GOING ON HERE??, posted by Hunk20 on May 27, 2010, at 19:23:23

Hunk not sure what your're meaning is mood changing? Phillipa

 

Re: WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?? Hunk20

Posted by hyperfocus on May 27, 2010, at 22:41:18

In reply to WHAT IS GOING ON HERE??, posted by Hunk20 on May 27, 2010, at 19:23:23

Like Scott said tt's possible what you are experiencing is the premature-euphoria/hypomania that happens when starting Nardil for the first time. It's not a bad thing - it's a very good thing because it's a strong predictor of a positive response to Nardil. But the AD response of Nardil or any AD is not necessarily euphoria - it's a more gradual process. I think the best thing is to be patient and not make any major decisions until after you know how you are responding to the Nardil.

It's also possible that the Nardil is triggering cycling because the underlying illness is not unipolar but bipolar. But only time can tell. Hang in there.

 

Re: WHAT IS GOING ON HERE??

Posted by Hunk20 on May 27, 2010, at 22:45:56

In reply to Re: WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?? Hunk20, posted by hyperfocus on May 27, 2010, at 22:41:18

It wasnt euphoria it was denial that went away. I took 4 pills 2 days before therapy.

Then i saw that my complete life was a fake. I was a fake, because i got stuck in the hole my father has dug around himself.

I had intense anger when i went to therapy. She listened to me empatheticly and i went out of therapy and she smiled at me when i went out i smiled back.

This is serious progress.

I think i will go up to 3 1/2 for a couple of days, see how it goes and then 4.

For the therapys sake. I am SO close to get out of this nightmaire.

I felt the euphoria in the beginning with 3 pills. Its not the same.

I will try.

By the way i confronted my whole family. I dont care if i get cut financially. I even hope i do. I have money for my education. This SICK F*CK controls everybody with his money.

He even weakened my trust in psychotherapists by breaking the confidentiality rule with my first psychotherapist. Tell me this f*ck is not sick.

 

Re: WHAT IS GOING ON HERE??

Posted by Hunk20 on May 27, 2010, at 22:48:41

In reply to Re: WHAT IS GOING ON HERE??, posted by Hunk20 on May 27, 2010, at 22:45:56

its not delusional, its the opposite.

i know it.

 

Re: WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?? Hunk20

Posted by Phillipa on May 27, 2010, at 23:37:35

In reply to Re: WHAT IS GOING ON HERE??, posted by Hunk20 on May 27, 2010, at 22:48:41

Hunk please keep your Nardil at the dose you doctor prescribed. Please for me as I care. Love Phillipa

 

Re: WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?? Hunk20

Posted by SLS on May 28, 2010, at 0:29:55

In reply to Re: WHAT IS GOING ON HERE??, posted by Hunk20 on May 27, 2010, at 22:48:41

> its not delusional, its the opposite.
>
> i know it.

One of the hallmarks of mania is the inability of a person to recognize it when it happens to them. The greater the escalation of the mania, the more resistant a person becomes to others who attempt to advise him of it.

You sound very manic to me.


- Scott

 

Here is the plan

Posted by Hunk20 on May 28, 2010, at 0:37:26

In reply to Re: NARDIL (Phenelzine) 4 weeks in, posted by Hunk20 on May 12, 2010, at 22:47:49

I will take 4 pills 2 days before therapy and then do a 2 hour session. I cant do 4 before that because if i dont speak to someone empathetic feeling the truth is too painful and last time i was really angry. (just a few minutes into therapy that changed. she is VERY good)

Wish me luck

 

Re: Here is the plan

Posted by Hunk20 on May 28, 2010, at 5:52:05

In reply to Here is the plan, posted by Hunk20 on May 28, 2010, at 0:37:26

But who knows that for sure...

maybe i was just nuts for my whole life and so is my family.

This is insane..

 

Re: Here is the plan

Posted by Hunk20 on May 28, 2010, at 5:52:47

In reply to Re: Here is the plan, posted by Hunk20 on May 28, 2010, at 5:52:05

my therapists should know i will trust them

 

Re: Here is the plan Hunk20

Posted by chujoe on May 28, 2010, at 7:09:02

In reply to Here is the plan, posted by Hunk20 on May 28, 2010, at 0:37:26

Hunk, dude, Phillipa is right -- you should not be messing around with extra amounts of Nardil -- you should be taking what your pdoc prescribed -- you may be feeling great now, but you are very likely to get yourself into serious trouble on the downside if you keep doing this. And it may be that you're going to burn out the med that is helping you -- where will you be then? More is not always better.


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