Psycho-Babble Medication Thread 911201

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Re: Thinking about suicide

Posted by uncouth on August 10, 2009, at 15:41:03

In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide, posted by Sigismund on August 10, 2009, at 15:31:08

spending an hour studying for the gmat and 5 minutes poking around on job websites isn't exactly amazing in my book, when you spend the rest of the waking day staring at the ceiling and braindead. to think, i used to spend 10 hours at work, a biG fancy internet company job...although productivity was very low due to the depression and i eventually left.

 

Re: Thinking about suicide

Posted by Maxime on August 10, 2009, at 16:08:32

In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide, posted by Sigismund on August 10, 2009, at 15:31:08


> You people amaze me, being able to do anything, well maybe only just able....

I amaze myself with the things that I am able to do. The only thing is, it's a fraction of what I used to be able to do. And it doesn't help when I tell my pdoc what I do because then he thinks that I am just fine. It's hard.

 

Re: Thinking about suicide

Posted by SLS on August 10, 2009, at 16:32:28

In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide, posted by Maxime on August 10, 2009, at 16:08:32

>
> > You people amaze me, being able to do anything, well maybe only just able....
>
> I amaze myself with the things that I am able to do. The only thing is, it's a fraction of what I used to be able to do. And it doesn't help when I tell my pdoc what I do because then he thinks that I am just fine. It's hard.


I understand this very well. I have always presented better than I actually felt or functioned. I speak too well and PUSH very hard to accomplish things. It creates confusion and a disbelief that things are as bad as I describe. Because of this, people expect too much of me and argue that I can do more than I think I can. It is denigrating.


- Scott

 

Re: Thinking about suicide SLS

Posted by ColoradoSnowflake on August 10, 2009, at 16:54:42

In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide, posted by SLS on August 10, 2009, at 16:32:28

Ditto ditto ditto

Those are my exact same thoughts and words.

And sometimes I feel I absolutely can't PERFORM
(as in actor/actress) anymore. But then I do.

No one else understands except those of us who live it.

Thanks Scott

gayle

 

Re: Thinking about suicide

Posted by Maxime on August 10, 2009, at 18:42:10

In reply to Thinking about suicide, posted by maxime on August 9, 2009, at 19:23:40

Thanks to everyone who replied. It made me feel less alone.

The thoughts are strong and still there, but I guess I will just have to deal with them.

Thanks again.

 

Re: Thinking about suicide

Posted by Sigismund on August 10, 2009, at 20:05:46

In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide, posted by SLS on August 10, 2009, at 16:32:28

>I understand this very well. I have always presented better than I actually felt or functioned. I speak too well and PUSH very hard to accomplish things. It creates confusion and a disbelief that things are as bad as I describe. Because of this, people expect too much of me and argue that I can do more than I think I can. It is denigrating.

That has always been my problem going to the psych. I feel alright in there with something to occupy me, and I'm at a loss to explain how I feel at other times.

 

Re: Thinking about suicide Maxime

Posted by Phillipa on August 11, 2009, at 0:36:35

In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide, posted by Maxime on August 10, 2009, at 18:42:10

Maxime you know seems that's the problem we're all great actors out in the world. Do you ever wonder I do how many of the people we see look so happy if they are or are just acting? Anyone really happy? I used to be. Love Phillipa

 

a sign

Posted by Maxime on August 11, 2009, at 18:26:20

In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide Maxime, posted by Phillipa on August 11, 2009, at 0:36:35

Back in December I ordered some meds to OD on. They never arrived so I ordered with another company. Today, the pills from the first company finally arrived. I feel like it's a sign to OD.

I'm miserable.

 

Re: a sign

Posted by SLS on August 11, 2009, at 20:42:11

In reply to a sign, posted by Maxime on August 11, 2009, at 18:26:20

> Back in December I ordered some meds to OD on. They never arrived so I ordered with another company. Today, the pills from the first company finally arrived. I feel like it's a sign to OD.

When you believe in things that you don't understand,
Then you suffer,
Superstition ain't the way

- Stevie Wonder

Hang in there. Synchronicity can make you believe anything if you look for associations.


> I'm miserable.

Sorry. You have suffered far too long. However, I encourage you to keep trying to put a life together for yourself.


- Scott

 

Re: a sign

Posted by uncouth on August 11, 2009, at 22:13:23

In reply to Re: a sign, posted by SLS on August 11, 2009, at 20:42:11

Maxime,

I know the feeling like it's a sign. You and I are in similar states right now. Feel free to babblemail.

Yesterday, as if this terrible, suicidal cloud which came over me last week wasn't bad enough, I saw the girl who broke my heart driving on the street. She doesn't even live in town anymore, was just home visiting. OF all things that could have happened to me at that point in time, seeing her was probably the one worst possble thing. It was like God was playing a joke on me, and my suicide was going to be the punchline.

Stay strong, if only for me. I need you to not give up.

Just got back from my pdoc and therapy appointments. On a new drug I hadn't heard of before, Aplenzin, a new form of wellbutin. Doctor wants to try higher than normal doses evntually.

Like scott said, there is always logical hope. Stay away from superstition though it's so easy to be tempted.

 

Re: a sign Maxime

Posted by Phillipa on August 11, 2009, at 23:14:10

In reply to a sign, posted by Maxime on August 11, 2009, at 18:26:20

Maxie talk about a sign this evening I helped deliver my granddaughter in the hospital. Baby Grace named after my Mother who dies when I was l7 was born at 6:38 and weighed 7 lb 2 oz. I was next to the doc and watched her crown and pop out all pink and crying and glad to be alive. So to me this is something would have never wittnessed if I Hadn't been here. And I thought I always brought bad luck? So my point is you don't know what's around the corner could be good. Write anytime. I have pics going on facebook. I never would have believed I could assist in L & D. I surprised myself. You will also you will get well. Love Phillipa

 

Re: a sign

Posted by ceres on August 15, 2009, at 6:56:23

In reply to a sign, posted by Maxime on August 11, 2009, at 18:26:20

Maxime, Can you kill the pills, exert yourself stomping on them & then flush the remains?

I'm in that sad place too, desiring an end & don't have any sincere thoughts about hope now. In your case, having gotten so far in school & perhaps having dependents, I hope you decide to make it through each day & that a positive change is ahead.

Pills are not a good option. Long ago, I vomited an overdose & felt sick & defeated. I figured out how that failed, but would not opt for pills again. I have vague memories of reading Madame Bovary & her toxic brew suicide is some aversion.
If somehow, one were discovered & rushed to the ER, there's no guarantee about the state of one's organs or possible brain damage. Plus there's more trauma, as EMT's & ER doctors are not often nice to people who've caused their own bodily destruction.

And I remind myself that it's too much long-term trauma for my family & friends and anyone who will make the discovery.
Plus, if we commit suicide, it lowers the threshold for suicides within our families. In my case, someone beat me to it & another such might push a vulnerable member over the edge.

And, despite the above rants, I spend a lot of time changing & refining plans, trying to find a lower impact death.
Maybe thinking of a better way to go might relieve your mind a bit, but you can put off acting on it?


I hope you keep going & that the pain eases.

 

Re: a sign ceres

Posted by Maxime on August 15, 2009, at 12:44:43

In reply to Re: a sign, posted by ceres on August 15, 2009, at 6:56:23

Thank you for such a thoughtful post. Unfortunately, I cannot destroy the pills. I NEED to have them around me so that I know that I have a way out. Over a year ago I OD'd on Nortriptaline and Thorazine. I ended up in the hospital and went into cardiac arrest. I was on a ventilator for several days. So now I know that that combination will work. Knowledge isn't always a good thing is it.

I'm thinking less about suicide now and thinking more about trying new meds. I am holding on until I see my doctor on the 24th.

Thanks again.

 

Re: Thinking about suicide

Posted by Maxime on August 16, 2009, at 22:11:19

In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide, posted by Sigismund on August 10, 2009, at 20:05:46

I really hope I die in my sleep tonight. If I ever fall asleep that is.

I'm not in a good place right now.

 

Re: Thinking about suicide

Posted by ceres on August 17, 2009, at 2:53:05

In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide, posted by Maxime on August 16, 2009, at 22:11:19

Maxime,

I'm sorry about the pain you're enduring. And I hope you fall asleep soon, to give you temporary relief.

Your depression is keeping you from seeing how much good is likely ahead.

Maxime, you sound like a smart, competent & productive person. So if the missing ingredient is to fix your mood, that's worth doing.

Would it be useful to ask your doctor for something to temporarily numb you out a bit so you can sleep away some of the day until your new meds kick in? Or use exhausting exercise or labor to block some pain? Could you focus on movies or lie down & close your eyes to books on tape? --Numbing &/or attempts at Distraction

I hope you find moments of peace tonight & that you can safely fall asleep soon.
You are in my thoughts. Ceres

 

Re: Thinking about suicide Maxime

Posted by SLS on August 17, 2009, at 5:53:26

In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide, posted by Maxime on August 16, 2009, at 22:11:19

> I really hope I die in my sleep tonight. If I ever fall asleep that is.
>
> I'm not in a good place right now.


It might be a little too early to be certain about your being doomed to be depressed for the rest of your life. Your brain has shown that it can be normalized for an extended period. It is just a matter of time before you find the right treatment to force it to function properly again.

Are there any responsibilities that you can set aside temporarily? If not, then please remember that you are working with a handicap, and don't beat up on yourself unmercifully.

Also, remember that severe depression is timeless. It has no beginning and no end when you are in the midst of it. This sensation of timelessness begins from the very first day. This is one aspect of depression that allows people choose to exit life, even though they haven't been depressed for very long. It feels like forever.

I have some idea as to what it is like to feel hopeless. Do you feel hopeless right now? If not, then what thoughts are fueling the suicidality? Maybe there are no thoughts at all except for the sense of being overwhelmed by everything. Nothing is right. Everything is wrong. The depression itself might be acting as a substrate for a neurobiological suicidal state that would be there regardless of what you are thinking. This usually occurs in tandem with anxiety or anger.

Logically, you still have treatment alternatives that you have not yet explored. I think it is a bit premature to declare yourself as being doomed.

It is difficult to find the right words to comfort someone who is suicidal. There is a fear of saying the wrong thing that might push the depressed person closer to acting. I hope I have not made things worse.

You'll be alright.


- Scott

 

Re: Thinking about suicide ceres

Posted by Maxime on August 17, 2009, at 10:01:47

In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide, posted by ceres on August 17, 2009, at 2:53:05

Thank you for your kind words. I have a lot of trouble sleeping which makes everything worse. I've tried a lot of meds for sleep and not much seems to help. I highly doubt that my pdoc would give me a barbituate to sleep which is what I think I need.

I try to do things ... go to the movies etc. Sometimes I spend an hour on the bus to get to the cinema and then once I am there I cannot force myself in to go and see the movie. I get really anxious or something, I don't know.

The strange thing is that I am working on a reseach paper for my PhD application. I am able to force myself to do that. And it's weird that I on the one hand, I am planning to do my PhD, and on the other hand, I am busy writing suicide notes and obituaries. How can the two co-exist?

 

Re: Thinking about suicide SLS

Posted by Maxime on August 17, 2009, at 10:05:40

In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide Maxime, posted by SLS on August 17, 2009, at 5:53:26

Scott, thank you for your post. I do feel hopeless. I think that is what I feel the most. I know that meds have helped temporarily in the past, but I am so tired of things working briefly and then stopping. And not that much has worked either. I have been suffering since my teens and I am 40 now, so that's a lot of depression.

Also, I have life stressors that are not helping the situation. If I could remove them, I would be doing a bit better.

Feeling hopeless sums it up for me.

 

Re: Thinking about suicide

Posted by uncouth on August 17, 2009, at 10:09:54

In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide Maxime, posted by SLS on August 17, 2009, at 5:53:26

Scott I just want to thank you for your posts to this thread again. It seems (unsurprisingly) there are a few of us in this state of torment right now and your understanding words give me at least something to lean on. Push push push...

 

Re: Thinking about suicide

Posted by atypical on August 17, 2009, at 10:45:28

In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide ceres, posted by Maxime on August 17, 2009, at 10:01:47

> The strange thing is that I am working on a reseach paper for my PhD application. I am able to force myself to do that. And it's weird that I on the one hand, I am planning to do my PhD, and on the other hand, I am busy writing suicide notes and obituaries. How can the two co-exist?

Oh, please believe me when I tell you I understand completely! I can go to parties and have conversations and go work and be very depressed inside. I think that the stereotype of depression really needs to be changed. It doesn't mean that we are bedridden or sitting on the couch watching TV all day. Many of us are functioning, but not necessarily at a high level. Some of us are indeed functioning at a high level intellectually, which perhaps makes us forget about the depression or something.

 

Re: Thinking about suicide

Posted by mogger on August 17, 2009, at 22:23:42

In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide SLS, posted by Maxime on August 17, 2009, at 10:05:40

Maxime,
I have been off and on psychobabble for years and have always admired your strength and courage for fighting on. I thought I would mention to you that one of the additions to my cocktail is 10 grams of EPA fish oil. It is actually 20 grams of fish oil a day half of which is EPA. It is 20 capsules a day so it is literally like a meal in itself but it has created a nice sense of well being for me. I buy from iherb, Omeg 3 Mood, by CountryLife. They price match if you can find anywhere cheaper.
It has helped lift me out of depression as I read a book called the Omeg 3 Connection by Dr. Andrew Stoll and learned about it. Babblemail me and I will send it to you if you would like to read it. Please hang in there, you can do it and something will give you a breather soon.
mogger

 

Re: Thinking about suicide mogger

Posted by Maxime on August 19, 2009, at 17:45:09

In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide, posted by mogger on August 17, 2009, at 22:23:42

Thank you for your kind thoughts and suggestions. I have tried fish oil in the past, but I don't think I was taking enough and it didn't work. Worth another try though.

 

Re: Thinking about suicide

Posted by ceres on August 21, 2009, at 1:56:43

In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide ceres, posted by Maxime on August 17, 2009, at 10:01:47

Oh, sleep deprivation distorts things.
I used to use it as an antidepressant (stopped working), --so destabilizing. It's worth pressing the issue w/ MD. As important as it is, I don't know why many physicians under treat it. *Sleep meds didn't work for me either until I re-added lithium, which also reduced the urgency I felt about suicide for a while.
Have you experimented w/ light therapy (blue light)for sleep regulation & mood?

I can relate to your changing your mind at the cinema. In my case, I don't want to be stuck in an act-normal zone with crushing depression.
Going to a theater is work. I was thinking of DVD's as an absorbing distraction, or Net Flicks, if you have that. Some libraries have good selections & if you get a handful of DVD's, maybe a few will be watchable.
Do you like photography or other art books (pic's, no text)? Rereading childhood books might be a non-demanding whimsical relief, a vacation for part of the mind. Maybe something like this is a possible counterbalance to your graduate studies.

I admire that you can use higher cognitive skills for your studies during this wretched period.
I know there are different flavors of depression & while some people can keep face & manage the basics of their jobs, I have not been able to this time.
Maybe it depends on which parts of the brain are involved? Maybe your depression is similar to that of writers & artists who manage to create while in the depths of despair. Their skills are intact & they are motivated to continue their work, while desperately wanting relief from a hellish mindscape.

I wish for you some good quality sleep & of course, some substantial relief from that invasive anguish, that plagues so many of us.


 

Re: Thinking about suicide

Posted by Meltingpot on August 21, 2009, at 7:55:21

In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide ceres, posted by Maxime on August 17, 2009, at 10:01:47

Hi Maxime,

I guess you know that on this board you are definately not alone with these thoughts. The only thing I seem to be able to do any more is work, study or clean the house which might sound like a lot but I used to do a lot more too.

I was feeling suicidal yesterday and I went for two job interviews, whilst I was telling the interviewers how interesting the job sounded, these suicidal thoughts kept popping into my head. Well I guess I was putting them there, like
another poster said sometimes fantasies of suicide bring some kind of relief.

One of my pen pals (who also suffers from depression) can't understand how I can keep working when I'm having suicidal thoughts but I do because it gives me some source of distration and makes me feel as though I have not entirely fallen off the ride and the medication does help to some degree.


I know that my suicidal thoughts are not really me wanting to die but me wanting to end the way I feel but I guess there is always something left to try. I would have ECT but no psychiatrist will refer me for it and if it came down to it and if I'd heard of really good results with Deep Brain Stimulation then I might consider that too.

I understand why the film "the hours" is called "The hours" because all I can do sometimes is just try and get through each hour until the day is finally over and I experience a sense of relief from that. I never used to feel relieved when the day was over.

I have written to a place that delivers assisted suicide and plan on becoming a member because if I ever decide that I just don't want to go on with this daily battle then I will have somewhere I can go to (hopefully) give myself some sort of relief. I just feel like I want to have suicide as an option.

Sometimes people say to me "well why don't you just go and do it then" as if it was that easy. I'm scared of messing it up and like the other poster says, ending up with brain damage. I can't understand how people can hurl themselves in front of trains or jump off high buildings or slash there wrists because I just couldn't do it, I think I get a lot of anxiety from having the suicidal thoughts but then not being able to act upon them. Maybe I just having got that low or maybe I'm not as depressed and anxious as I think I am.

When I read this post back it all sounds so melodramatic but that is how I feel.

A friend who I met recently said that I seemed like a happy person when I talked about my depression. I can fake happiness for a while but it is a strain.

Sorry to go on, sometimes I just get carried away and your post really struck a chord with me.

If anything at least your post made other people feel a little less alone.

Just to mention also I started experiencing sleep problems at Christmas I couldn't not sleep for three nights. I have found that this clomipramine that I am taking definately helps with my sleep so that might be a possible option for you some time in the future.


Denise

 

Re: Thinking about suicide Meltingpot

Posted by SLS on August 21, 2009, at 8:13:51

In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide, posted by Meltingpot on August 21, 2009, at 7:55:21

You sound like you might be a tricyclic responder. Which ones have you tried, and what were the outcomes?

Currently:

Parnate 80mg
nortriptyline 150mg
Lamictal 200mg
Abilify 20mg
lithium 300mg


- Scott


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