Psycho-Babble Medication Thread 473821

Shown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

And if I die before I wake ...

Posted by Maxime on March 21, 2005, at 22:14:33

I ask for this every night but I guess it is not meant to be. But if things continue the way they are now, I will make it so and not leave it up to a higher power. At least I have that ability. At least I can still control whether I live or die because everything else in my life is awful. I can't even control the bloody numbers on a scale anymore. Nothing is right and everything is wrong. And I am putting my PDOC on EBAY before I leave.

Maxime

 

Re: And if I die before I wake ... Maxime

Posted by Phillipa on March 21, 2005, at 22:37:37

In reply to And if I die before I wake ..., posted by Maxime on March 21, 2005, at 22:14:33

Maxime, I'm praying for you. Fondly, Phillipa

 

Re: And if I die before I wake ...

Posted by Maxime on March 21, 2005, at 22:48:08

In reply to Re: And if I die before I wake ... Maxime, posted by Phillipa on March 21, 2005, at 22:37:37

> Maxime, I'm praying for you. Fondly, Phillipa

Please pray for what I want. Thanks.

M.

 

Re: And if I die before I wake ...

Posted by mike13 on March 21, 2005, at 23:00:59

In reply to And if I die before I wake ..., posted by Maxime on March 21, 2005, at 22:14:33

Can you specify what problem(s) you are having at this moment, that make you want to die??

 

Re: And if I die before I wake ... Maxime

Posted by gardenergirl on March 21, 2005, at 23:27:34

In reply to And if I die before I wake ..., posted by Maxime on March 21, 2005, at 22:14:33

Not to make light of what I know is a serious situation, but anyone who can be that funny is simply too precious to lose.

Please, dear. If you have the means, get rid of them. It's not a safety valve. It's a crutch. It will get better, but it can't if you are not here. I know that, but I know you can't know that while you are depressed. That's the nature of the beast. Depression lies, and it hides the truth from you. I know from my own experience that during a moment of truth (not as serious as yours, but life changing), I felt I had only one option. If only I had talked to someone, anyone, especially my husband, he would have helped me see what other options I had.

Depression lies.

Please stick around to discover the truth.

We'll stick around with you, as long as it takes.

((((Maxime))))

gg

 

Re: And if I die before I wake ... Maxime

Posted by alexandra_k on March 21, 2005, at 23:59:29

In reply to And if I die before I wake ..., posted by Maxime on March 21, 2005, at 22:14:33

((((Maxime))))
I know it is hard to see
But things haven't always been this bad.
And they won't continue being this bad.
Really.
People here really care about you.
I am so sorry that things are so hard at the moment.

 

Re: And if I die before I wake ...

Posted by Phillipa on March 22, 2005, at 0:28:38

In reply to Re: And if I die before I wake ... Maxime, posted by gardenergirl on March 21, 2005, at 23:27:34

Sorry, I'm praying that you WILL wake up tomorrow. Fondly, Phillipa, You know I care!

 

Re: And if I die before I wake ... Maxime

Posted by SLS on March 22, 2005, at 6:23:56

In reply to And if I die before I wake ..., posted by Maxime on March 21, 2005, at 22:14:33

> I ask for this every night but I guess it is not meant to be. But if things continue the way they are now, I will make it so and not leave it up to a higher power. At least I have that ability. At least I can still control whether I live or die because everything else in my life is awful. I can't even control the bloody numbers on a scale anymore. Nothing is right and everything is wrong. And I am putting my PDOC on EBAY before I leave.
>
> Maxime


I would like to reiterate what GG said to you, except I could never do it so well. She is right about everything.

It is so important that you have a support system. Even one person can be a support system. Do you have any source of support outside Psycho-Babble?

Even if your depression is 100% biological, you could profit from counselling to help you through such difficult periods. This doesn't have to be anything intense, just to have someone to talk you through and help you to clean up the mess of lies that depression has been telling you for so long. These illnesses do genuine psychological damage by warping thoughts and feelings. The last time I was suicidal, I sought out the help of a counselor. My goal was to get through the suicidal period and help discover ways of dealing with the illness while it was to continue. People with biological mental illnesses have issues to, just like biologically healthy people.

You could try to address them as best as your depression will allow so that you can channel what little energy the illness affords you in a positive and constructive direction. You will be beating the depression at its own game if you can do this. You can change the way you feel by changing the way you think. A counselor can help you do this, but both you and the counselor must be in accord that your depression is biological and that it is not an attainable goal to cure it, but to be better equipped to live with it while you must still do so.

I almost never drop by the Psychology board, but perhaps there are things there that you might find helpful.

You will get there.


- Scott

 

Re: And if I die before I wake ... Maxime

Posted by ed_uk on March 22, 2005, at 8:38:50

In reply to And if I die before I wake ..., posted by Maxime on March 21, 2005, at 22:14:33

((((Maxime))))

You are so special. You have a fantastic sense of humour, even while depressed. Your life is precious. Do not hurt yourself, things *will* get better.

Call your pdoc ASAP. Ask him to admit you to the hospital. I know he hasn't been taking your thoughts of suicide seriously, I think you need to be demanding and tell him that you have to be in hospital. I want you to be safe.

Ed xxx

 

Re: And if I die before I wake ... Maxime

Posted by TamaraJ on March 22, 2005, at 10:57:50

In reply to And if I die before I wake ..., posted by Maxime on March 21, 2005, at 22:14:33

(((Maxime)))

Sorry Maxime, but I think your higher power has other plans for you, and thankfully so. You are needed on this earth, even if you can't see that right now through the thick and blinding fog of depression. The volunteer work you continue to push yourself to do is beyond amazing and is truly admirable. The encouragement you give to others here at Babble, in spite of your being in a dark and scary place right now. The talent that you have within in you that has not been lost. You are a precious gift Maxime, and I hope that one day very soon you will be able to see that for yourself.

My thoughts, as always, are with you. Please take care and be safe.

Tamara

 

Maxime, please check in with us. (nm) TamaraJ

Posted by gardenergirl on March 22, 2005, at 15:24:34

In reply to Re: And if I die before I wake ... Maxime, posted by TamaraJ on March 22, 2005, at 10:57:50

 

whoops, well I'm sure Tamara is interested too (nm)

Posted by gardenergirl on March 22, 2005, at 15:25:00

In reply to Re: And if I die before I wake ... Maxime, posted by TamaraJ on March 22, 2005, at 10:57:50

 

Re: And if I die before I wake ... Maxime

Posted by ace on March 22, 2005, at 17:44:02

In reply to And if I die before I wake ..., posted by Maxime on March 21, 2005, at 22:14:33

> I ask for this every night but I guess it is not meant to be. But if things continue the way they are now, I will make it so and not leave it up to a higher power. At least I have that ability. At least I can still control whether I live or die because everything else in my life is awful. I can't even control the bloody numbers on a scale anymore. Nothing is right and everything is wrong. And I am putting my PDOC on EBAY before I leave.
>
> Maxime


Please, please endure-- hang on that little bit longer....tell me the meds you have tried and your full range of symptoms....

Peace, and, again, never say die,

Ace

 

Re: And if I die before I wake ...

Posted by thankgodfornardil on March 22, 2005, at 20:23:09

In reply to Re: And if I die before I wake ... Maxime, posted by ace on March 22, 2005, at 17:44:02

Confirm your post:
Re: And if I die before I wake ...
Board: Psycho-Babble
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Language: English
Maxime,
I just came across your posting and I had to add to the responses. When I was severely depressed, with severe agitation and anxiety, I really believed, deep down into my bones, that I would never get better. The person who wrote DEPRESSION LIES is absolutely right.
So here's the thing. No matter how many people tell you that you'll get through this and to the other side you can't really believe it, right? You think "they mean well but they don't know that I'm actually a rare, totally hopeless case." THAT IS YOUR DISORDERED BRAIN LYING TO YOU, LITERALLY PREVENTING YOU FROM BEING ABLE TO SEE YOURSELF IN THE FUTURE IN A PLACE THAT'S BETTER THAN THE ONE NOW. I'm crying now because I think I know where you are, that I've been there. Believing to the core that there's no hope, that instead of having an illness you've been damned for some reason you don't understand...all those things. I had tried all the SSRI's, which made me so agitated and anxious I used to lock myself in the bathroom and scream at the top of my lungs, claw my face, and scream "I'm on fire and I can't put it out!!" over and over. I wished so badly I'd get cancer so my family wouldn't have the extra suffering of thinking they could have done something about it. I was bitter at my parents for letting me be born. I started chain smoking.
I also tried the new "designer" drugs, all of which also made it worse. I was taking so much lithium that I shook and jerked and I couldn't sign my name or fill out forms, or even type. I was filled with so much despair I didn't understand how such a small organ (the brain) could possibly produce such unbearable pain.
I tried Zyprexa. I tried 18 ECT treatments. No improvement. Woke up screaming in terror after the anesthesia wore off each time. Months and months of terror, deep dispair, and total hopelessness. Dropped out of school, sat in the corner of a coffee shop chain smoking every day, when I wasn't hanging out with homeless people, which actually was a big comfort to me. (They tend to be much more human and sympathetic than most other people you meet.) Became afraid to be in my house, tried to spend as much time as possible anywhere else.

Maxime, I hope you've made it this far into my message. Because here's the good part. Finally my pdoc prescribed Nardil. In two weeks I felt "less deeply depressed" according to his records. It took 3 or 4 months of 2-steps-forward/2-steps-back sort of progress, which was scary because each time it got worse again I was terrified of sliding all the way back. After those months, however, I achieved full remission. That week I started my dissertation and finished the proposal in three weeks, which is un-heard-of. I was so happy to be alive (still am) I finished my Ph.D. within the year, did my final oral exam the day before my husband and I moved to Boston. So now I'm happy as a clam, even though I've been applying to jobs for 6 months to no avail!
The episode ended about 2 years ago. I should admit, though, I still carry scars from the trauma of being depressed, which I'm sure is common. I often have nightmares about being depressed, I can't talk about it without breaking down into tears, I'm much more sensitive, in a not so healthy way, about other people's suffering, and I'm more afraid than I used to be to let myself have strong emotions or be adventurous as I used to be. I'm working on these issues in therapy, and am considering EMDR for mild PTSD, but honestly there's no comparison between the depression itself and the few scars I carry now.
SO EVEN IF YOU CAN'T MAKE YOURSELF BELIEVE THAT YOU'LL GET BETTER, PLEASE PLEASE FORCE YOURSELF TO TRUST, AGAINST ALL YOUR CURRENT THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS, THAT WE SURVIVORS ARE NOT WRONG.
You absolutely will get through this. And every minute you survive is another minute towards the time you get better.
C

 

Re: And if I die before I wake ...

Posted by thankgodfornardil on March 24, 2005, at 11:17:00

In reply to Re: And if I die before I wake ..., posted by thankgodfornardil on March 22, 2005, at 20:23:09

M,
I know you've tried a lot of things and you feel hopeless. But if i were you I would at least consider ECT. It's effective in 90% of cases (though I was in the other 10%). It's not fun, but it doesn't hurt and I see so many people who say it saved their lives. Especially since you're so sensitive to other meds. Also have you tried all the TCA's and the other MAOI's (I know you've tried parnate and nardil). Have you tried going back on the Parnate and adding something like Lamictal or a TCA or an atypical antipsychotic (like Risperdone or Zyprexa)?
Also, is there a way for you to get therapy in addition to the drugs without paying? I know people who live on the streets and are mentally ill and somehow are able to get therapy and meds through some program. Sorry so vague, but there may be options youre not aware of.
Hang in, keep fighting. They're coming out with new treatments all the time.
C


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