Psycho-Babble Medication Thread 385815

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Re: Thanks all - I'm done.

Posted by Racer on September 3, 2004, at 12:42:53

In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done. jerrympls, posted by SLS on September 3, 2004, at 7:31:51

SLS has really said most of what can be said, I think, and said it very, very well.

(So well, in fact, that it made some of my own experiences 'click' for the first time. Thank you, Scott.)

As for Jerry, I know you're at MN, so you're getting access to what should be pretty great care, and I know you're not experiencing it as great care -- and from what you've described, I think it's not great care for you. I'm sorry that that's happening to you.

I'm just coming out of a very similar situation, without a lot of the protections you've had, but also without some of the really over-the-top problems you've described. All I can tell you is this: I'm not well yet, and still think I'll never *be* well -- but getting out of that battle and into treatment with professionals who are trying to help *me* has made it better. (So have a lot of individuals here, but that's another story.) I'm trying Cymbalta, and hating it pretty much every day so far during the adjustment phase -- but I'm still taking it and trying to muddle through and it is doing something that is positive.

Here's a suggestion based partly on what SLS said and partly on something someone just told me: since anxiety, agitation, anger, etc really do play such a role in suicidal feelings, it might be worth talking to your dr about something like a beta blocker to turn down the volume on your adrenaline production. It's not a fix for depression and misery, but it might make it more bearable and it might make it easier for you to assess your remaining options. There are some out there, but when you're feeling that bad, it's way too much effort to try to find them. Something to address the physical signs of anxiety, so that you can concentrate on something else, really might be a short term bridge for you.

Best luck, and I do hope you stay with us. It's so dang hard to hang on, and knowing that there are others also in this much pain sometimes helps me hold on, thinking, "If [Jerry, SLS, Whoever] is hurting this much, and holding on, I should hold on, too." As Franklin said, "We must all hang together, or else we shall certainly hang separately." I know it never helps me to read that when I'm where you are, but we're trying to hang together, and there's room set aside here specifically for you.

 

Re: Thanks all - I'm done.

Posted by jerrympls on September 3, 2004, at 19:33:21

In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done., posted by Racer on September 3, 2004, at 12:42:53

You all have brought tears to my eyes.....you have posted such from-the-heart words I'm somewhat speechless. I never thought anyone would even care about my post. I mean, my parents haven't even called or responded.

I've been so full of anger...I have a job and have frustrated my supervisors to no end with absences, etc. They are trying to be accommodating, but I've been forever deemed "unreliable." I have a counselor through our Disability Services office and he helps a lot. But our Chief of Staff has told me "I have no sympathy for you....but we'll try to accommodate your disability." She used to talk to me and joke and laugh - now she ignores me and talks to other managers about me behind my back. I've found proof that others below me have received monetary merit awards and pay increases - whereas I have recieved one slight pay increase in the 3 years I've worked there.

I also found out that some of my fellow co-workers have been asking my manager why I'm out so much and if I'm getting special treatment. FORTUNATELY my manager is a GREAT guy and beats them off with a stick. but to know that people are talking about you behind your back and then acting all friendly to my face - it's disgusting and angers me to no end.

What set me off was that my chief of staff wants to put me in a position where I wouldn't be relied upon....in a corner doing data entry or something - whereas now I'm head of IT support for our dept. She basically wants me out of sight and out of mind.

She's horribly passive-agressive and unapproachable. I never thought I would feel such hate towards a person...I'm not like that...but I thought when I disclosed to her about my illness that she would be an advocate - she even disclosed that she has an anxiety disorder and her sister has treatment-resistant depression!!!!

On top of that, my only two friends stopped calling/returning calls/emails a year ago - they just stopped. They were very cool and understanding about my illness and then turned their back on me.

So I live a solitary life. Alone...angry..frustrated...with nothing to look forward to. Yes, I do have a wonderful therapist who I am now going to start seeing twice a week. But still...so much anger in me....so much

How do I stop the anger? How do I leave work AT work? How?

Please answer...

Thank you all

Jerry

 

Re: Thanks all - I'm done--jerry

Posted by alesta on September 3, 2004, at 20:38:34

In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done., posted by jerrympls on September 3, 2004, at 19:33:21

> I mean, my parents haven't even called or responded.

Im so sorry...

> So I live a solitary life. Alone...angry..frustrated...with nothing to look forward to.

oh, my god, you described me to a T with that phrase...maybe w/out the anger part, but when I start working again at the end of this month that will probably surface as well...you remind me of myself...parents who dont give a damn about you...totally alone...(I have a live-in boyfriend but I am still basically alone-hes preoccupied with his drug use) yet you still manage to be very caring toward others...I guess that would explain the unexplainable connection I feel with you...you seem really nice, amidst your pain. i know the loneliness can be unbearable.

> How do I stop the anger? How do I leave work AT work? How?

Im not sure I know the best answer for this one, maybe someone else whos recently dealt with these issues can help more...trying a natural supplement (or med) of some kind might be a good idea for you, too..and help you feel better/deal better with everything...

please email me at enchantedmystic@aol.com...you don't need to be alone, here...i want to help...:)or you can ask me some questions on this board..as many as you like...:) i care.:)

your friend,
amy :)

 

Re: Thanks all - I'm done. jerrympls

Posted by ace on September 3, 2004, at 23:32:18

In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done., posted by jerrympls on September 3, 2004, at 19:33:21

> You all have brought tears to my eyes.....you have posted such from-the-heart words I'm somewhat speechless. I never thought anyone would even care about my post.

I am never suprised about the warmth and downright caring of the people on this board. They give me goosebumps at times. I so much wish to meet some of these folk...i have posted on other boards unrelated to mental health, and the contrast is striking- the warmth here transcends all dating/music etc etc forums


I mean, my parents haven't even called or responded.

Ultimately we are alone, but I'm really upset about that. Man, your life is precious, you are a gift to them.


>
> I've been so full of anger...I have a job and have frustrated my supervisors to no end with absences, etc. They are trying to be accommodating, but I've been forever deemed "unreliable."

Yeah right. How about they step in your shoes and feel your pain? They would be preety unreliable too. have you explained to them your illness in detail?


I have a counselor through our Disability Services office and he helps a lot.

That's great, and see them as MUCH as possible Jerry.

But our Chief of Staff has told me "I have no sympathy for you....but we'll try to accommodate your disability."

That's very cold-hearted. Try not be angry with her. Try and see, she is coming from a point of IGNORANCE.


She used to talk to me and joke and laugh - now she ignores me and talks to other managers about me behind my back. I've found proof that others below me have received monetary merit awards and pay increases - whereas I have recieved one slight pay increase in the 3 years I've worked there.
>
> I also found out that some of my fellow co-workers have been asking my manager why I'm out so much and if I'm getting special treatment.

You DESERVE SPECIAL TREATMENT! and you shouldn't be ashamed of that. I'm sure if you had a broken leg they would give you special treatment. But, no, because it's mental illness it is deemed less important. That upsets me and is typical of a lot of folk.

FORTUNATELY my manager is a GREAT guy and beats them off with a stick.

Hang around this dude As much as possible.

but to know that people are talking about you behind your back and then acting all friendly to my face - it's disgusting and angers me to no end.

Jerry- tell them where to go! Who the heck do these clowns think they are? call em straight out- TWO_FACED!



> What set me off was that my chief of staff wants to put me in a position where I wouldn't be relied upon....in a corner doing data entry or something - whereas now I'm head of IT support for our dept. She basically wants me out of sight and out of mind.

1. Your health is of more concern now.
2. Clean up these matters once your recovered.
3. Try hard not too feel anger...a book, the only self-help book, that I like is "Love is letting go of fear" by Jampolsky. It is so great....try and see these people as coming from fear, and they need more love.


>
> She's horribly passive-agressive and unapproachable. I never thought I would feel such hate towards a person...

Try as hard not to feel hate...it will each you up!


I'm not like that...but I thought when I disclosed to her about my illness that she would be an advocate - she even disclosed that she has an anxiety disorder and her sister has treatment-resistant depression!!!!
>
> On top of that, my only two friends stopped calling/returning calls/emails a year ago - they just stopped. They were very cool and understanding about my illness and then turned their back on me.
>
> So I live a solitary life. Alone...angry..frustrated...with nothing to look forward to. Yes, I do have a wonderful therapist who I am now going to start seeing twice a week. But still...so much anger in me....so much
>
> How do I stop the anger? How do I leave work AT work? How?

1. Try that book I mentioned
2. get back onto a good med combo
3. If possible, take a vacation from work
4. every day, treat yourself to something you enjoy- ie sittting down in the city checking out all the hot girls!! (sometimes works for me, the dirty little ACE!)

>
> Please answer...
>
> Thank you all
>
> Jerry

God Bless you mate, you have my full support and blessings...you hang on tight, you are a brave soldier and will never give in...you have more to give this world

Ace

 

Re: Thanks all - I'm done. ....Jerry, u r amazing

Posted by Jasmineneroli on September 4, 2004, at 1:07:30

In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done., posted by jerrympls on September 3, 2004, at 19:33:21

Reading about your situation Jerry, I started feeling angry too! You are extremely strong to have carried on in those circumstances, given your illness. Don't underestimate the strength you have shown :)
I'm a parent, and I really don't understand the lack of response from yours. They are probably afraid. I agree with Ace, that a lot of the reactions you are getting are coming from fear/ignorance. When you have an "invisible" illness, people don't see it for what it is. It's easier to feel and show compassion when it's a tangible problem, that most people have had or can imagine.Like a bad flu or an earthquake victim on TV. And I bet you've done a real good job of trying to cover up your illness and carry on as normal, too! With exhausting effort. So your co-workers and friends are probably even confused about whether or not you HAVE an illness!
I used to work with At-Risk adolescents, many of whom had mental health issues. When I suggested to the parents of one girl, that she might be depressed, they responded with "no she isn't, she still laughs at home" ..... a year later, I got a call from this girl, she was in the psych ward having made a suicide attempt and her parents had told her "she was just trying to get attention"......aaaaaagh!! The attitude is everywhere, Jerry, I'm sad to say.
The isolation you feel must be excruciating and I feel so badly for you. But I think you know now, that here at least, you will find understanding, caring, knowledge and experience.
Some practical advice:
1)Consider the motives of your various co-workers - e.g.The Chief of Staff is responsible for quality and productivity, she has to answer to those above her. She may be afraid to keep you in a responsible position, in her ignorance,in case you "crack" and make her look bad. Fear of losing her own job, or looking too weak (read: compassionate)is her motivation. If you can understand where they're coming from, you will lose your own fear of them. That fear is what makes you angry.
2) When you leave the last doorway of your workplace each day, take a deep breath and leave "Jerry the employee" behind. As you walk outside, think of yourself as "Jerry, the commuter/traveller/walker". When you walk through the door of your home, breath and become "Jerry, the sports-lover/music-lover/mystery novel fan/dinner chef" or whatever you do at home that defines you or makes you content. In other words, loose Jerry, The Employee at the office!
3)If you can, get a change of scene for a few days. Break the routine.
4)Go to your doctor, be assertive about trying different medications. Go talk to Larry on the Alternative Board, about other options.
5) Keep posting here. I'd like to know how you're doing and what meds you are trying. So would others. You can also continue to help people here, by sharing your experiences.
Sorry this is so long!!!
I was also wondering, what are your interests? What do you like to do at home?
Wow, you're a hero..look after yourself :)
Jas

 

Re: NEVER GIVE IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by crazychickuk on September 4, 2004, at 19:44:49

In reply to Re: NEVER GIVE IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, posted by Jasmineneroli on September 3, 2004, at 0:15:59

Everyone has said what i would of said.. so i am just gonna give you a great big ((((HUG))))

 

Re: Thanks all - I'm done. SLS

Posted by jerrympls on September 4, 2004, at 21:04:14

In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done. jerrympls, posted by SLS on September 3, 2004, at 7:31:51

I've been on everything....so many combinations...so many meds...ECT, Vegal Nerve implant, MAOIs, SSRIs, SNRIs, trycyclics, heterocyclics, sims, benzos, anti-psychotics, anti-eplieptics, mood stabilizers, herbals, talk therapy, CBtherapy, opiate therapy (which works but my doctors pulled out of).

I don't drink, smoke or use illegal dugs.

I'm angry...and frustrated...and numb seeing life go by.

For what it's worth - here's what I am on now

375mg Effexor XR
56mg Concerta
40mg Valium (in 4 divided doses)
.25mg Halcion
3mg Melatonin
Synthriod

I have no sex drive, no music flowing through me (I'm a musician), no creativity, no motivation, low self-esteem, poor body image because of med induced weight gain, anger, restlessness, insomnia..the list goes on.

My apt. is a disaster - unopened mail in piles and piles...pizza boxes, dishes in the sink, laundry all over....dusty cds....only a path to my couch.

I hate summer...it's so hot. I spend my weekends inside sitting or sleeping on my couch in front of my air conditioner. I've always liked Fall most of all.

It's been like this for 13 years now. Started when I was about 19-20. I'm 32 now. Male...single...and gay (not that that matters).

I've always longed for validation...for someone to stand up for me...and at work I only receive what I call anti-validation. I'm never given credit for my work....nor do I say anything...I just keep it inside fueling my anger. I know that's not healthy....but how not to?

Thanks again to all for your support...you're all I have right now.

Jerry

 

Re: Thanks all - I'm done.

Posted by verne on September 4, 2004, at 22:31:17

In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done. SLS, posted by jerrympls on September 4, 2004, at 21:04:14

Jerry,

Hang in there. I know that's cliche but I hit bottom about 14 years ago (late 30's at the time) and a song I didn't especially care for had the lyric "hang on for one more day". I was in such acute emotional pain I didn't think I would make it. (that song actually helped me)

Like you I was on a lot of meds and lived among piles of my belongings. I lived out of a laundry basket and the biggest heap of clothes in the room was actually my bed. Being a bit of a neatfreak I could never come to grips with how I was actually living.

But in my 30's my condition improved. I stopped any sort of self-injury (borderline personality disorder) by 32 without any effort on my part. Even though I didn't do much constructive, just by growing older, the acute pain diminished by itself. I have to think the body's chemical changes as it ages may help in some cases.

Anyway, I'm chiming in a little late. Glad you didn't bail out. Remember you "belong" - mess, path to the couch and all. When you look at it just affirm, "this is exactly the way it should be!"

I can't deal with the heat either. I'm so thankful Fall is approaching. Perhaps by next summer you can get a better AC unit so you don't have to sit right next to it.

take care,

verne

 

Re: Thanks all - I'm done. jerrympls

Posted by Nohope on September 5, 2004, at 4:50:33

In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done. SLS, posted by jerrympls on September 4, 2004, at 21:04:14

> I have no sex drive, no music flowing through me (I'm a musician), no creativity, no motivation, low self-esteem, poor body image because of med induced weight gain, anger, restlessness, insomnia..the list goes on.
>
> It's been like this for 13 years now. Started when I was about 19-20. I'm 32 now. Male...single...and gay (not that that matters).

Hi Jerry.

I can relate to a great of deal of what you are saying: I came down with a severe case of panic disorder - swiftly followed by major depression - when I was 21. I am now 35 (w/med induced sexual problems, single..) and my condition has never remitted.

I know it seems like a form of 'surrender', but maybe you should go on welfare for a while until you feel a bit better or find another job? Sorry if you find the suggestion offensive - it's not meant to be. Unfortunately I am well aware of what it means to underperform at work due to my illness and the pain it brings. Sounds like you need a bit of a break.

Before you consider bailing, let me say that your posts are intelligent and coherent, and someone like that has potential, even if it hasn't been realized...*yet*.

Best of luck.

Nohope

 

Re: Thanks all - I'm done. Nohope

Posted by jerrympls on September 5, 2004, at 9:17:59

In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done. jerrympls, posted by Nohope on September 5, 2004, at 4:50:33

> > I have no sex drive, no music flowing through me (I'm a musician), no creativity, no motivation, low self-esteem, poor body image because of med induced weight gain, anger, restlessness, insomnia..the list goes on.
> >
> > It's been like this for 13 years now. Started when I was about 19-20. I'm 32 now. Male...single...and gay (not that that matters).
>
> Hi Jerry.
>
> I can relate to a great of deal of what you are saying: I came down with a severe case of panic disorder - swiftly followed by major depression - when I was 21. I am now 35 (w/med induced sexual problems, single..) and my condition has never remitted.
>
> I know it seems like a form of 'surrender', but maybe you should go on welfare for a while until you feel a bit better or find another job? Sorry if you find the suggestion offensive - it's not meant to be. Unfortunately I am well aware of what it means to underperform at work due to my illness and the pain it brings. Sounds like you need a bit of a break.
>
> Before you consider bailing, let me say that your posts are intelligent and coherent, and someone like that has potential, even if it hasn't been realized...*yet*.
>
> Best of luck.
>
> Nohope
>
>

Nohope-

Your post was FAR from offensive. All the posts here have been wonderful. I DO need a break....we'll see what happens. Thank you for the complement on my posts. :-)

Jerry

 

Re: Thanks all - I'm done.

Posted by SLS on September 5, 2004, at 9:23:23

In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done. SLS, posted by jerrympls on September 4, 2004, at 21:04:14

Hi Jerry.

You have had much more than your share of difficulties to contend with. Your efforts to endure and find a cure are heroic and inspiring. I have no answers for you at the moment. Your case is quite challenging.

> I've been on everything....so many combinations...so many meds...ECT, Vegal Nerve implant, MAOIs, SSRIs, SNRIs, trycyclics, heterocyclics, sims, benzos, anti-psychotics, anti-eplieptics, mood stabilizers, herbals, talk therapy, CBtherapy, opiate therapy (which works but my doctors pulled out of).

Perhaps one place to begin is to list the treatments that you have had partial responses to, and which made your depression/anxiety worse (disregarding side effects).

> I don't drink, smoke or use illegal dugs.
>
> I'm angry...and frustrated...and numb seeing life go by.
>
> For what it's worth - here's what I am on now
>
> 375mg Effexor XR
> 56mg Concerta
> 40mg Valium (in 4 divided doses)
> .25mg Halcion
> 3mg Melatonin
> Synthriod

I can see that anxiety is a prominent component of your condition. How would you describe your depression? Are you plagued with sad or melancholic thoughts, or is it more a loss of interest and motivation? Is the Concerta for anergia/low-energy/fatigue or for ADD? How does it help you? Have you ever been manic or hypomanic? How is your memory?


- Scott

 

Re: Thanks all - I'm done. SLS

Posted by jerrympls on September 5, 2004, at 9:33:41

In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done., posted by SLS on September 5, 2004, at 9:23:23

> Hi Jerry.
>
> You have had much more than your share of difficulties to contend with. Your efforts to endure and find a cure are heroic and inspiring. I have no answers for you at the moment. Your case is quite challenging.
>
> > I've been on everything....so many combinations...so many meds...ECT, Vegal Nerve implant, MAOIs, SSRIs, SNRIs, trycyclics, heterocyclics, sims, benzos, anti-psychotics, anti-eplieptics, mood stabilizers, herbals, talk therapy, CBtherapy, opiate therapy (which works but my doctors pulled out of).
>
> Perhaps one place to begin is to list the treatments that you have had partial responses to, and which made your depression/anxiety worse (disregarding side effects).
>
> > I don't drink, smoke or use illegal dugs.
> >
> > I'm angry...and frustrated...and numb seeing life go by.
> >
> > For what it's worth - here's what I am on now
> >
> > 375mg Effexor XR
> > 56mg Concerta
> > 40mg Valium (in 4 divided doses)
> > .25mg Halcion
> > 3mg Melatonin
> > Synthriod
>
> I can see that anxiety is a prominent component of your condition. How would you describe your depression? Are you plagued with sad or melancholic thoughts, or is it more a loss of interest and motivation?

It's more of a complete loss of interest and motivation - anhedonia - I think it's called?

>Is the Concerta for anergia/low-energy/fatigue or for ADD? How does it help you?

Concerta is to augment the Effexor and to help with low energy, fatigue and to get me through work. It helps me by raising my mood to where I have at least some interest in doing something and it helps me concentrate - but not from any ADD diagnosis.

>Have you ever been manic or hypomanic?

Nope, never been hypomanic or manic.

>How is your memory?

My memory can nbe really good and really bad. After ECT 8 years ago it screwed up my memory terribly. I had to relearn how to read music and I've been reading music since I was a child! I also lost a big chunk of my ability to conceptualize - which does NOT help out at work. It took a LONG time to rebuild my wit and get back what ECT took away. Still today I can be talking to someone and all the sudden blank out (this happens A LOT) anc ompletely forget what I was talking about or what I was trying to get across to the other person (again NOT helpful at work especially during meetings). But I don't know how much is due to depression/meds or ECT.

>
>
> - Scott

I've always needed a stimulant - without them I am paralyzed.

 

Re: Thanks all - I'm done. jerrympls

Posted by sooshi on September 5, 2004, at 11:10:06

In reply to Thanks all - I'm done., posted by jerrympls on September 2, 2004, at 20:58:46

Hi Jerry,

I've been away from my computer for awhile, and just saw your post today, but I wanted to give you some support. As most of the previous posters have said, I too have been where you are, and luckily, have made it through (many times, actually) and just KNOW that you can too! Please stay connected here...if we are all that you have, then you have a great bunch of support here!! Sometimes a bunch of loonies are the ONLY people that can pull someone out of the black hole, ya know? We've got the experience and all the right tools and words to help, and the scars to show for it.

You will be ok. You will.

Sooshi

 

Re: Thanks all - I'm done.

Posted by iris2 on September 5, 2004, at 13:20:14

In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done. jerrympls, posted by sooshi on September 5, 2004, at 11:10:06

I am crying at the monumental outpouring of support on this board.

Thanks to Jerry for having the strength to post how he really feels.

Jerry, I hope you recognise that not only are you not alone but that others in similar situations do not have the strength of charactor to reach out to others and open themselves up as you have. Give yourself a big pat on the back. You have both courage and intelligence to write as you did.

I feel hopeless a lot of the time. I always think if I make a statement everyone will just think it is a "poor me" statement.

I am jealous of everyone here. I do not know a lot and have trouble learning what I need to know. I cannot work, have few friendships. Basically I do not function much on any level. I suspect that most here "work" and are able to do things like clean their homes, have friends they do things with and are active on some level.

I have tried what seems like every med and combination there is including 2 ECT stints, biofeedback, homeopathy, some supplements. I even opted to take a year off and spend it in a "mental hospital" in the hopes that this intense therapy time would mend me.

Besides atypical depression I am bulimic and have self injured. I live alone and have a couple of friends that speak on the phone to me but I never see. I have been sitting on my couch for the last two years, lonely, angry, disappointed, depressed and quite alone. My family provides some monetary support but no mental or emotional support. In fact they make me feel worse most of the time.

My last therapist has told me that I am a professional complainer. So I try not to complain too much. This is obviously a great exception.

My pdoc has has lost interest at most I can get a prescription. I used to have him as my main and really only support. I could talk to him about anything and he could make me laugh and enjoy the conversation. He could empathies with me at some level. Now I have no one.

I am not great at putting into words what I am trying to say but there you have it. Yes I know "poor me" I guess I needed to say it here at least this once.

Current meds:

oxycontin
ritalin
valium
klonopin
peridium-plus
amisulpride

Just ordered milnacipran. Not sure if I can continue with amisulpride. It helps some but my "interstitial cystitis" is bad and probably this is the cause. Lowered the dose, perhaps that will work.

Just started to have an interest in trying all these meds agian. How do you keep the hope about it all and a positive attitude?

Any suggestions welcome, that is why I wrote this.


irene

 

Re: Thanks all - I'm done. iris2

Posted by verne on September 5, 2004, at 15:03:36

In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done., posted by iris2 on September 5, 2004, at 13:20:14

Irene,

Don't feel alone. I haven't worked in over 15 years except for an early morning paper route a few years ago. I don't drive either.

I, too, have atypical depression and bpd. I somehow grew out of self-injuring which is one positive aspect of aging. Borderliners tend to mellow with age.

I've been hospitalized numerous times but not since 1992 when they had run out of options and scheduled me for ECT. I left AMA the night before.

I know the kind of isolation you are in. About 2 years ago I didn't leave my house for almost a year. I didn't even go into the yard. I did all my grocery shopping online which got to be a little tricky. I had alienated just about everybody (bpd anger) but the UPS driver and ran out of friends.

Then in November 2003, I bought a bunch of full spectrum lighting online, and I kid you not, was out walking within 2 weeks. I had heard it helped with depression so I installed it in a couple rooms and added a "light box" to my living room lighting scheme (probably not necessary and quite expensive).

The full spectrum lighting helped me get my foot in the door (or out the door). I started meditating, walking, and even made up with two estranged friends. I found someone who would pick me up and take me to the park for walks too. I also lost some weight.

There are some other things I did that probably should be left to the faith board. I'm still struggling but I have more hope than I had a couple years ago. I still hardly go out but that's mostly due to some recent problems with "self medicating" (alcohol).

Have you looked into the "Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder" book by Marsha M. Linehan? It's not easy to read but some sections are great - especially the handouts. There are year-long courses based on this book - even online - but I've felt to vulnerable to participate. Some of the exercises in this book are great.

take care,

Verne

 

sorry about getting your name wrong iris, nm (nm) verne

Posted by verne on September 5, 2004, at 15:06:00

In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done. iris2, posted by verne on September 5, 2004, at 15:03:36

 

Re: Thanks all - I'm done. verne

Posted by iris2 on September 5, 2004, at 15:38:30

In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done. iris2, posted by verne on September 5, 2004, at 15:03:36

Thanks,

I'll look up the book.

I have the lighting but never remember to use it.

You have motivated me to try it.

Thanks again

 

Re: Thanks all - I'm done.

Posted by jerrympls on September 6, 2004, at 9:48:20

In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done. verne, posted by iris2 on September 5, 2004, at 15:38:30

Can someone recommend a book about living at work with depression and/or how to deal with a passive-aggressive boss?

I need it ASAP.

Thanks
Jerry

 

Re: Thanks all - I'm done. verne

Posted by iris2 on September 6, 2004, at 10:04:31

In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done. iris2, posted by verne on September 5, 2004, at 15:03:36

> Don't feel alone. I haven't worked in over 15 years except for an early morning paper route a few years ago. I don't drive either.

I am sorry to hear this. I hope you find your life easier to live than I have. Some people do not stay constructively active yet are able to either be "happy" doing little or have other interests and are able to motivate themselves.

> I, too, have atypical depression and bpd. I somehow grew out of self-injuring which is one positive aspect of aging. Borderliners tend to mellow with age.

I think that age has also mellowed me so that I never self-injure anymore.

> I've been hospitalized numerous times but not since 1992 when they had run out of options and scheduled me for ECT. I left AMA the night before.

I have been hospitalized many times. Mostly after suicide attempts. Not been in the hospital for about three years. About five years ago I was in and out of the hospital several times a year.

What made you decide against ECT.?

> I know the kind of isolation you are in. About 2 years ago I didn't leave my house for almost a year. I didn't even go into the yard. I did all my grocery shopping online which got to be a little tricky. I had alienated just about everybody (bpd anger) but the UPS driver and ran out of friends.

That sounds just like me. I am generally only angry at a close friend or family. Everyone else I am just HURT by. Sometimes things are so bad my family comes over just to take me grocery shopping.

> Then in November 2003, I bought a bunch of full spectrum lighting online, and I kid you not, was out walking within 2 weeks. I had heard it helped with depression so I installed it in a couple rooms and added a "light box" to my living room lighting scheme (probably not necessary and quite expensive).

I told you I have the light box. It is kind of a pain to use. It has become obvious that there is a seasonal component to my depression. For many years a month to two after the summer was over is always when I attempted suicide and was in the hospital.
Anyway where did you buy the full spectrum lighting online? Did you buy bulbs as I have seen or lights themselves? What was the cost?

> The full spectrum lighting helped me get my foot in the door (or out the door). I started meditating, walking, and even made up with two estranged friends. I found someone who would pick me up and take me to the park for walks too. I also lost some weight.

I find that if I can find someone who will do things with me I can more easily motivate myself to do them. Alone is almost impossible right now. Is this your experience?
I omitted much of a response last time. Please forgive me. I was very tired. I am very happy for you that this is working. When I tried my light box many years ago I did not see much difference but I do not think I tried it long enough to know. I was also going through a big change in my household in which I went from living alone to cohabitating with a sociopath so I think it would have been difficult to see any change with the light box at the time.
>
> There are some other things I did that probably should be left to the faith board. I'm still struggling but I have more hope than I had a couple years ago. I still hardly go out but that's mostly due to some recent problems with "self medicating" (alcohol).

I have gone through several periods of time self medicating with alcohol. Please try to stop. It is such a depressant and if you are trying to feel better with different meds or lighting or other things you will not be able to measure any positive changes as the alcohol will obscure them. If you cannot stop for any length of time on your own see if you can go into a rehab for a few weeks and then stay on the program after. Even if you do not believe in all the stuff, it helps. I went about 15 years ago for cocaine addiction, but I also had alcohol problems. It was one of the best things I ever did for myself. I had started Parnate and it was like a miracle drug for me but until I stopped the drugs I was not functioning with it. I never did cocaine again. I drink every now and again. It never was a big problem for me but when I see myself drinking several times a week and almost always alone I stop for several months usually. Now I drink an occasional glass of wine or something in company with others. I do not partake much anymore because my stomach is so bad from bulimia and oxycontin.

Please, please stop the drinking. Not just from personal experience but also from observing others especially when I worked as a staff member in a psychosocial rehab. You will have so much more potential to be happy and for meds to work. I will check other boards for you to see what others have done to intervene drinking behaviors.
> Have you looked into the "Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder" book by Marsha M. Linehan? It's not easy to read but some sections are great - especially the handouts. There are year-long courses based on this book - even online - but I've felt to vulnerable to participate. Some of the exercises in this book are great.
>
I will look at this book today. I have a couple self-help books that I need to finish reading now. It is rare anymore that I would have any.

Why do you feel too vulnerable to take an online course? No one will know you. Is it knowing yourself that makes you feel this way?

Thank you for all the wonderful information and especially for sharing and making me feel not so alone. Take better care of yourself,

irene

p.s. Since we both spend a lot of time in home perhaps you will want to email back and forth, not just on this board. I find it is like making a new friend but easier to share for some reason. My email is irene@pghmail.com

Do not worry if you are not so inclined. I will not take it personally.

 

Redirect: books

Posted by Dr. Bob on September 6, 2004, at 10:45:56

In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done., posted by jerrympls on September 6, 2004, at 9:48:20

> Can someone recommend a book...

Sorry to interrupt, but I'd like to redirect follow-ups not about medication to Psycho-Social-Babble. Here's a link:

http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040830/msgs/387064.html

Thanks, and best wishes, Jerry,

Bob

 

Re: Redirect: books Dr. Bob

Posted by iris2 on September 6, 2004, at 10:54:06

In reply to Redirect: books, posted by Dr. Bob on September 6, 2004, at 10:45:56

> > Can someone recommend a book...
>
> Sorry to interrupt, but I'd like to redirect follow-ups not about medication to Psycho-Social-Babble. Here's a link:
>
> http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040830/msgs/387064.html
>
> Thanks, and best wishes, Jerry,
>
> Bob

Sorry I answered the post before your suggestion.

irene

 

i put the wrong email address..

Posted by alesta on September 6, 2004, at 15:44:41

In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done--jerry, posted by alesta on September 3, 2004, at 20:38:34

hi, jerry,:)

sorry for giving you the wrong email address! it is enchantedmystic0@aol.com

amy :)

 

Re: Thanks all - I'm done. iris2

Posted by Nohope on September 7, 2004, at 5:52:22

In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done., posted by iris2 on September 5, 2004, at 13:20:14

Hi Irene.

Please see linkadge's "no can do" post further down. He has some great combos listed - maybe there are some you haven't tried?

Best of luck.

Nohope

 

Re: Thanks all - I'm done. Nohope

Posted by iris2 on September 7, 2004, at 8:49:43

In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done. iris2, posted by Nohope on September 7, 2004, at 5:52:22

Nohope,

Thanks, I'll check it out when sI get back. Big deal for me that I am even going out!

irene

p.s. Hey "Nohope" has that changed yet?LOL

 

Re: Thanks all - I'm done. iris2

Posted by verne on September 7, 2004, at 13:01:47

In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done. verne, posted by iris2 on September 6, 2004, at 10:04:31

Irene,

thanks for the thoughtful response. I'm a little overwhelmed right now after a weekend binge that included ingesting morning glory seeds. When I'm back on my feet I will try to respond more fully.

I can't recommend the online merchant where I bought the full spectrum lighting. I got the run-around, card was charged before they shipped lights, and then they lied to me about having shipped it. Do a search for vitalites and you'll probably find them.

I'm way behind on my email coorespondence so I'm afraid to take on any more but thanks for the offer. For now I'll see how posting on a message board goes. There's something uncomfortable and even emotionally painful about message boards, chat, and cybertalk for me. I need to take it slow.

take care,

verne


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