Psycho-Babble Medication Thread 385815

Shown: posts 1 to 25 of 101. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Thanks all - I'm done.

Posted by jerrympls on September 2, 2004, at 20:58:46

Thank you all for your years of support and advice. I'm giving myself one week to try and reconcile things and if that fails, I'm bailing.

I wish I were one of those who took Prozac and had complete remission of my depression and lived happily ever after. But I see now I'll never achieve that. Drugs, therapy...unfortunately all have failed to certain degrees.

I've informed my parents and I feel somewhat at peace. I hope that by next Friday I'll return to the board to tell you I've decided to continue the battle with depression. But if not, I wish you all peace and hope you will all feel genuine happiness again really soon.

Thanks
Jerry

 

Re: Thanks all - I'm done. jerrympls

Posted by Larry Hoover on September 2, 2004, at 21:17:56

In reply to Thanks all - I'm done., posted by jerrympls on September 2, 2004, at 20:58:46

> Thank you all for your years of support and advice. I'm giving myself one week to try and reconcile things and if that fails, I'm bailing.
>
> I wish I were one of those who took Prozac and had complete remission of my depression and lived happily ever after. But I see now I'll never achieve that. Drugs, therapy...unfortunately all have failed to certain degrees.
>
> I've informed my parents and I feel somewhat at peace. I hope that by next Friday I'll return to the board to tell you I've decided to continue the battle with depression. But if not, I wish you all peace and hope you will all feel genuine happiness again really soon.
>
> Thanks
> Jerry

But, Jer, you never hung out on the alternative board. There's lots of stuff to try yet.

Lar

 

Re: Thanks all - I'm done.

Posted by alesta on September 2, 2004, at 21:31:36

In reply to Thanks all - I'm done., posted by jerrympls on September 2, 2004, at 20:58:46

sweetheart.....no...you've gotta fight this...there's something about your post that touched me...please...let us help you through this...my life has ALWAYS been hard, too, and i mean REAL hard...never a break...unbearable 80% of the time...but you can't give up...there are things you haven't tried, i'm sure...let's work this out..tell me what drugs/natural remedies you have/haven't tried. let's work on this together.

sending you love,
amy

 

Re: NEVER GIVE IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! jerrympls

Posted by ace on September 2, 2004, at 22:35:55

In reply to Thanks all - I'm done., posted by jerrympls on September 2, 2004, at 20:58:46

> Thank you all for your years of support and advice. I'm giving myself one week to try and reconcile things and if that fails, I'm bailing.
>
> I wish I were one of those who took Prozac and had complete remission of my depression and lived happily ever after. But I see now I'll never achieve that. Drugs, therapy...unfortunately all have failed to certain degrees.
>
> I've informed my parents and I feel somewhat at peace. I hope that by next Friday I'll return to the board to tell you I've decided to continue the battle with depression. But if not, I wish you all peace and hope you will all feel genuine happiness again really soon.
>
> Thanks
> Jerry


"Your done"??? C'mon man! You gotta do better than that! Be a victor or be a victim. Man, I've been lying on my bed, unable to put food in my mouth from depression, but, as sures, as hell, drugged or not drugged, I'm not going to give in.

And you have inner strength too. This is real easy for me to say, cause I'm not probablt\y feeling half as bad as you, but pleased dude, the light always comes through.

Like Lar said, there are alternative medicines, their are innovative med combos, there is ALWAYS something more to try.

So you carry on brave soldier

"If you are going through hell. keep going"- Winston Churchill....

We are all here for you man,

Ace

 

Re: NEVER GIVE IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by Jasmineneroli on September 3, 2004, at 0:15:59

In reply to Re: NEVER GIVE IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! jerrympls, posted by ace on September 2, 2004, at 22:35:55

Jerry: Please don't give up now. New approaches, new drugs, new findings in alternate therapies are always comin' up. The common thing that binds all of us here, is that we're suffering from one form of mental illness or another and we're ALL TRYING ALL THE TIME to conquer them. Over years, over changes in doctors, drugs, therapists, over tremendous challenges! As a group, we're tenacious, determined, curious & exhausted (!), but we keep on going. Ever hopeful, even in black depression. You're one of the group, Jerry, stick with it, stick with us! The only way we can accept losing you, is to being completely better and no longer needing the Board! Trust in a new, better day ahead. As Ace said, "Never give in".
I'm very familiar with the feeling of a desperate need for peace and "to get away". I challenge you to fight it, to find peace from support of others, including those here. But I respect your right to choice. I just hope your choice isn't tainted by your illness.
Please take care..you are too important to just fade into the night.
With all good wishes,
Jas

 

Re: Thanks all - I'm done. jerrympls

Posted by flipsactown on September 3, 2004, at 0:54:03

In reply to Thanks all - I'm done., posted by jerrympls on September 2, 2004, at 20:58:46

You got to come back! We are not through with you. We are not giving up on you.

I felt the same way after Prozac had pooped out on me after 7 years. Then I kept trying other AD's. Besides Prozac, I have been on Zoloft, Paxil, Elavil, Remeron, Desipramine, Lamictal, Lithium, Celexa, Effexor and Nardil. Thank God, I kept trying and currently, I am unipolar depression free, thanks to Lexapro. It was not easy, but that is life. I hope you will reconsider and continue your quest to be depression free.

FST

> Thank you all for your years of support and advice. I'm giving myself one week to try and reconcile things and if that fails, I'm bailing.
>
> I wish I were one of those who took Prozac and had complete remission of my depression and lived happily ever after. But I see now I'll never achieve that. Drugs, therapy...unfortunately all have failed to certain degrees.
>
> I've informed my parents and I feel somewhat at peace. I hope that by next Friday I'll return to the board to tell you I've decided to continue the battle with depression. But if not, I wish you all peace and hope you will all feel genuine happiness again really soon.
>
> Thanks
> Jerry

 

Re: Thanks all - I'm done. jerrympls

Posted by SLS on September 3, 2004, at 7:31:51

In reply to Thanks all - I'm done., posted by jerrympls on September 2, 2004, at 20:58:46

> Thank you all for your years of support and advice. I'm giving myself one week to try and reconcile things and if that fails, I'm bailing.


Dear Jerry,

I respect your feelings and your right to make such a decision. I hope you respect my feelings and experience when I tell you that I doubt it is time for you to give up just yet. I have been in your position before. I reached a point in 2000 when I informed my family that I was beginning to put my affairs in order, and that I wanted to hide what little money I had to be able to bequeath to my niece and nephews. I was going to have the state pay for my funeral. I have reached several critical points since.

People are going to ask you for your CV list of drugs tried, etc. That might be too much work for you right now, I don't know. All I can tell you is that the permutations of drug combinations is virtually endless, and it has been demonstrated that combinations do work. You know that.

In addition, for every new antidepressant drug that becomes available, a certain percentage of previously treatment-refractory people will respond to it. Try Cymbalta.

In the meantime, what are you experiencing? Perhaps there are things you can do to reduce depression and anxiety acutely to help get you through this crisis. Anxiety is perhaps most important to address if it exists. I have found Zyprexa and benzodiazepines to be important tools in an emergency.

I am sure there is a great deal of rationality to your ponderings of suicide. However, there might also be a great deal of suicidal feelings that are being produced by the illness itself. There is a neurobiological substrate to suicidality. It sometimes involves anxiety, anger, agitation, and aggression. Depression and anxiety are liars. You know that. Suicide is permanent and irreversible. You can alway wait on the decision. I am sure there is a great deal of rationality to your ponderings of continuing life also. There is yet hope for you lying in the things you have not tried yet, and that have been proven to work for others. As it has been with me, I hope you find this Hope pursuasive enough to commit to living for awhile longer. The odds are in your favor that it will be worth your while.

Sigh.

I know.

It has been so much work. So much pushing. So much pain. So much.

Stop.

Catch your breath and relax.

Keep reaching out the way you have done here. Don't isolate.

Speak to a professional counselor if you think one would help. However, unless you find one that understands completely the biological nature of your condition and your immediate needs for survival, it might be counterproductive, so you must interview them first. Otherwise, continue to seek counsel here. In my experience, I have found that what people offer here is appropriate and helpful, and often more on target for your situation than what you might find elsewhere.

Ask questions. Do you have any you want to ask right now?


- Scott

 

Re: Thanks all - I'm done-

Posted by alesta on September 3, 2004, at 9:06:32

In reply to Thanks all - I'm done., posted by jerrympls on September 2, 2004, at 20:58:46

there's so much great advice here...:)

as usual, i didn't read the response before mine before posting. i just wanted to add that you might want to take larry up on his offer to help you (over on the alternatives board). you've got nothing to lose...he know his stuff..:).

take care,
amy :)

 

Re: Thanks all - I'm done.

Posted by Racer on September 3, 2004, at 12:42:53

In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done. jerrympls, posted by SLS on September 3, 2004, at 7:31:51

SLS has really said most of what can be said, I think, and said it very, very well.

(So well, in fact, that it made some of my own experiences 'click' for the first time. Thank you, Scott.)

As for Jerry, I know you're at MN, so you're getting access to what should be pretty great care, and I know you're not experiencing it as great care -- and from what you've described, I think it's not great care for you. I'm sorry that that's happening to you.

I'm just coming out of a very similar situation, without a lot of the protections you've had, but also without some of the really over-the-top problems you've described. All I can tell you is this: I'm not well yet, and still think I'll never *be* well -- but getting out of that battle and into treatment with professionals who are trying to help *me* has made it better. (So have a lot of individuals here, but that's another story.) I'm trying Cymbalta, and hating it pretty much every day so far during the adjustment phase -- but I'm still taking it and trying to muddle through and it is doing something that is positive.

Here's a suggestion based partly on what SLS said and partly on something someone just told me: since anxiety, agitation, anger, etc really do play such a role in suicidal feelings, it might be worth talking to your dr about something like a beta blocker to turn down the volume on your adrenaline production. It's not a fix for depression and misery, but it might make it more bearable and it might make it easier for you to assess your remaining options. There are some out there, but when you're feeling that bad, it's way too much effort to try to find them. Something to address the physical signs of anxiety, so that you can concentrate on something else, really might be a short term bridge for you.

Best luck, and I do hope you stay with us. It's so dang hard to hang on, and knowing that there are others also in this much pain sometimes helps me hold on, thinking, "If [Jerry, SLS, Whoever] is hurting this much, and holding on, I should hold on, too." As Franklin said, "We must all hang together, or else we shall certainly hang separately." I know it never helps me to read that when I'm where you are, but we're trying to hang together, and there's room set aside here specifically for you.

 

Re: Thanks all - I'm done.

Posted by jerrympls on September 3, 2004, at 19:33:21

In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done., posted by Racer on September 3, 2004, at 12:42:53

You all have brought tears to my eyes.....you have posted such from-the-heart words I'm somewhat speechless. I never thought anyone would even care about my post. I mean, my parents haven't even called or responded.

I've been so full of anger...I have a job and have frustrated my supervisors to no end with absences, etc. They are trying to be accommodating, but I've been forever deemed "unreliable." I have a counselor through our Disability Services office and he helps a lot. But our Chief of Staff has told me "I have no sympathy for you....but we'll try to accommodate your disability." She used to talk to me and joke and laugh - now she ignores me and talks to other managers about me behind my back. I've found proof that others below me have received monetary merit awards and pay increases - whereas I have recieved one slight pay increase in the 3 years I've worked there.

I also found out that some of my fellow co-workers have been asking my manager why I'm out so much and if I'm getting special treatment. FORTUNATELY my manager is a GREAT guy and beats them off with a stick. but to know that people are talking about you behind your back and then acting all friendly to my face - it's disgusting and angers me to no end.

What set me off was that my chief of staff wants to put me in a position where I wouldn't be relied upon....in a corner doing data entry or something - whereas now I'm head of IT support for our dept. She basically wants me out of sight and out of mind.

She's horribly passive-agressive and unapproachable. I never thought I would feel such hate towards a person...I'm not like that...but I thought when I disclosed to her about my illness that she would be an advocate - she even disclosed that she has an anxiety disorder and her sister has treatment-resistant depression!!!!

On top of that, my only two friends stopped calling/returning calls/emails a year ago - they just stopped. They were very cool and understanding about my illness and then turned their back on me.

So I live a solitary life. Alone...angry..frustrated...with nothing to look forward to. Yes, I do have a wonderful therapist who I am now going to start seeing twice a week. But still...so much anger in me....so much

How do I stop the anger? How do I leave work AT work? How?

Please answer...

Thank you all

Jerry

 

Re: Thanks all - I'm done--jerry

Posted by alesta on September 3, 2004, at 20:38:34

In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done., posted by jerrympls on September 3, 2004, at 19:33:21

> I mean, my parents haven't even called or responded.

Im so sorry...

> So I live a solitary life. Alone...angry..frustrated...with nothing to look forward to.

oh, my god, you described me to a T with that phrase...maybe w/out the anger part, but when I start working again at the end of this month that will probably surface as well...you remind me of myself...parents who dont give a damn about you...totally alone...(I have a live-in boyfriend but I am still basically alone-hes preoccupied with his drug use) yet you still manage to be very caring toward others...I guess that would explain the unexplainable connection I feel with you...you seem really nice, amidst your pain. i know the loneliness can be unbearable.

> How do I stop the anger? How do I leave work AT work? How?

Im not sure I know the best answer for this one, maybe someone else whos recently dealt with these issues can help more...trying a natural supplement (or med) of some kind might be a good idea for you, too..and help you feel better/deal better with everything...

please email me at enchantedmystic@aol.com...you don't need to be alone, here...i want to help...:)or you can ask me some questions on this board..as many as you like...:) i care.:)

your friend,
amy :)

 

Re: Thanks all - I'm done. jerrympls

Posted by ace on September 3, 2004, at 23:32:18

In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done., posted by jerrympls on September 3, 2004, at 19:33:21

> You all have brought tears to my eyes.....you have posted such from-the-heart words I'm somewhat speechless. I never thought anyone would even care about my post.

I am never suprised about the warmth and downright caring of the people on this board. They give me goosebumps at times. I so much wish to meet some of these folk...i have posted on other boards unrelated to mental health, and the contrast is striking- the warmth here transcends all dating/music etc etc forums


I mean, my parents haven't even called or responded.

Ultimately we are alone, but I'm really upset about that. Man, your life is precious, you are a gift to them.


>
> I've been so full of anger...I have a job and have frustrated my supervisors to no end with absences, etc. They are trying to be accommodating, but I've been forever deemed "unreliable."

Yeah right. How about they step in your shoes and feel your pain? They would be preety unreliable too. have you explained to them your illness in detail?


I have a counselor through our Disability Services office and he helps a lot.

That's great, and see them as MUCH as possible Jerry.

But our Chief of Staff has told me "I have no sympathy for you....but we'll try to accommodate your disability."

That's very cold-hearted. Try not be angry with her. Try and see, she is coming from a point of IGNORANCE.


She used to talk to me and joke and laugh - now she ignores me and talks to other managers about me behind my back. I've found proof that others below me have received monetary merit awards and pay increases - whereas I have recieved one slight pay increase in the 3 years I've worked there.
>
> I also found out that some of my fellow co-workers have been asking my manager why I'm out so much and if I'm getting special treatment.

You DESERVE SPECIAL TREATMENT! and you shouldn't be ashamed of that. I'm sure if you had a broken leg they would give you special treatment. But, no, because it's mental illness it is deemed less important. That upsets me and is typical of a lot of folk.

FORTUNATELY my manager is a GREAT guy and beats them off with a stick.

Hang around this dude As much as possible.

but to know that people are talking about you behind your back and then acting all friendly to my face - it's disgusting and angers me to no end.

Jerry- tell them where to go! Who the heck do these clowns think they are? call em straight out- TWO_FACED!



> What set me off was that my chief of staff wants to put me in a position where I wouldn't be relied upon....in a corner doing data entry or something - whereas now I'm head of IT support for our dept. She basically wants me out of sight and out of mind.

1. Your health is of more concern now.
2. Clean up these matters once your recovered.
3. Try hard not too feel anger...a book, the only self-help book, that I like is "Love is letting go of fear" by Jampolsky. It is so great....try and see these people as coming from fear, and they need more love.


>
> She's horribly passive-agressive and unapproachable. I never thought I would feel such hate towards a person...

Try as hard not to feel hate...it will each you up!


I'm not like that...but I thought when I disclosed to her about my illness that she would be an advocate - she even disclosed that she has an anxiety disorder and her sister has treatment-resistant depression!!!!
>
> On top of that, my only two friends stopped calling/returning calls/emails a year ago - they just stopped. They were very cool and understanding about my illness and then turned their back on me.
>
> So I live a solitary life. Alone...angry..frustrated...with nothing to look forward to. Yes, I do have a wonderful therapist who I am now going to start seeing twice a week. But still...so much anger in me....so much
>
> How do I stop the anger? How do I leave work AT work? How?

1. Try that book I mentioned
2. get back onto a good med combo
3. If possible, take a vacation from work
4. every day, treat yourself to something you enjoy- ie sittting down in the city checking out all the hot girls!! (sometimes works for me, the dirty little ACE!)

>
> Please answer...
>
> Thank you all
>
> Jerry

God Bless you mate, you have my full support and blessings...you hang on tight, you are a brave soldier and will never give in...you have more to give this world

Ace

 

Re: Thanks all - I'm done. ....Jerry, u r amazing

Posted by Jasmineneroli on September 4, 2004, at 1:07:30

In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done., posted by jerrympls on September 3, 2004, at 19:33:21

Reading about your situation Jerry, I started feeling angry too! You are extremely strong to have carried on in those circumstances, given your illness. Don't underestimate the strength you have shown :)
I'm a parent, and I really don't understand the lack of response from yours. They are probably afraid. I agree with Ace, that a lot of the reactions you are getting are coming from fear/ignorance. When you have an "invisible" illness, people don't see it for what it is. It's easier to feel and show compassion when it's a tangible problem, that most people have had or can imagine.Like a bad flu or an earthquake victim on TV. And I bet you've done a real good job of trying to cover up your illness and carry on as normal, too! With exhausting effort. So your co-workers and friends are probably even confused about whether or not you HAVE an illness!
I used to work with At-Risk adolescents, many of whom had mental health issues. When I suggested to the parents of one girl, that she might be depressed, they responded with "no she isn't, she still laughs at home" ..... a year later, I got a call from this girl, she was in the psych ward having made a suicide attempt and her parents had told her "she was just trying to get attention"......aaaaaagh!! The attitude is everywhere, Jerry, I'm sad to say.
The isolation you feel must be excruciating and I feel so badly for you. But I think you know now, that here at least, you will find understanding, caring, knowledge and experience.
Some practical advice:
1)Consider the motives of your various co-workers - e.g.The Chief of Staff is responsible for quality and productivity, she has to answer to those above her. She may be afraid to keep you in a responsible position, in her ignorance,in case you "crack" and make her look bad. Fear of losing her own job, or looking too weak (read: compassionate)is her motivation. If you can understand where they're coming from, you will lose your own fear of them. That fear is what makes you angry.
2) When you leave the last doorway of your workplace each day, take a deep breath and leave "Jerry the employee" behind. As you walk outside, think of yourself as "Jerry, the commuter/traveller/walker". When you walk through the door of your home, breath and become "Jerry, the sports-lover/music-lover/mystery novel fan/dinner chef" or whatever you do at home that defines you or makes you content. In other words, loose Jerry, The Employee at the office!
3)If you can, get a change of scene for a few days. Break the routine.
4)Go to your doctor, be assertive about trying different medications. Go talk to Larry on the Alternative Board, about other options.
5) Keep posting here. I'd like to know how you're doing and what meds you are trying. So would others. You can also continue to help people here, by sharing your experiences.
Sorry this is so long!!!
I was also wondering, what are your interests? What do you like to do at home?
Wow, you're a hero..look after yourself :)
Jas

 

Re: NEVER GIVE IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by crazychickuk on September 4, 2004, at 19:44:49

In reply to Re: NEVER GIVE IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, posted by Jasmineneroli on September 3, 2004, at 0:15:59

Everyone has said what i would of said.. so i am just gonna give you a great big ((((HUG))))

 

Re: Thanks all - I'm done. SLS

Posted by jerrympls on September 4, 2004, at 21:04:14

In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done. jerrympls, posted by SLS on September 3, 2004, at 7:31:51

I've been on everything....so many combinations...so many meds...ECT, Vegal Nerve implant, MAOIs, SSRIs, SNRIs, trycyclics, heterocyclics, sims, benzos, anti-psychotics, anti-eplieptics, mood stabilizers, herbals, talk therapy, CBtherapy, opiate therapy (which works but my doctors pulled out of).

I don't drink, smoke or use illegal dugs.

I'm angry...and frustrated...and numb seeing life go by.

For what it's worth - here's what I am on now

375mg Effexor XR
56mg Concerta
40mg Valium (in 4 divided doses)
.25mg Halcion
3mg Melatonin
Synthriod

I have no sex drive, no music flowing through me (I'm a musician), no creativity, no motivation, low self-esteem, poor body image because of med induced weight gain, anger, restlessness, insomnia..the list goes on.

My apt. is a disaster - unopened mail in piles and piles...pizza boxes, dishes in the sink, laundry all over....dusty cds....only a path to my couch.

I hate summer...it's so hot. I spend my weekends inside sitting or sleeping on my couch in front of my air conditioner. I've always liked Fall most of all.

It's been like this for 13 years now. Started when I was about 19-20. I'm 32 now. Male...single...and gay (not that that matters).

I've always longed for validation...for someone to stand up for me...and at work I only receive what I call anti-validation. I'm never given credit for my work....nor do I say anything...I just keep it inside fueling my anger. I know that's not healthy....but how not to?

Thanks again to all for your support...you're all I have right now.

Jerry

 

Re: Thanks all - I'm done.

Posted by verne on September 4, 2004, at 22:31:17

In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done. SLS, posted by jerrympls on September 4, 2004, at 21:04:14

Jerry,

Hang in there. I know that's cliche but I hit bottom about 14 years ago (late 30's at the time) and a song I didn't especially care for had the lyric "hang on for one more day". I was in such acute emotional pain I didn't think I would make it. (that song actually helped me)

Like you I was on a lot of meds and lived among piles of my belongings. I lived out of a laundry basket and the biggest heap of clothes in the room was actually my bed. Being a bit of a neatfreak I could never come to grips with how I was actually living.

But in my 30's my condition improved. I stopped any sort of self-injury (borderline personality disorder) by 32 without any effort on my part. Even though I didn't do much constructive, just by growing older, the acute pain diminished by itself. I have to think the body's chemical changes as it ages may help in some cases.

Anyway, I'm chiming in a little late. Glad you didn't bail out. Remember you "belong" - mess, path to the couch and all. When you look at it just affirm, "this is exactly the way it should be!"

I can't deal with the heat either. I'm so thankful Fall is approaching. Perhaps by next summer you can get a better AC unit so you don't have to sit right next to it.

take care,

verne

 

Re: Thanks all - I'm done. jerrympls

Posted by Nohope on September 5, 2004, at 4:50:33

In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done. SLS, posted by jerrympls on September 4, 2004, at 21:04:14

> I have no sex drive, no music flowing through me (I'm a musician), no creativity, no motivation, low self-esteem, poor body image because of med induced weight gain, anger, restlessness, insomnia..the list goes on.
>
> It's been like this for 13 years now. Started when I was about 19-20. I'm 32 now. Male...single...and gay (not that that matters).

Hi Jerry.

I can relate to a great of deal of what you are saying: I came down with a severe case of panic disorder - swiftly followed by major depression - when I was 21. I am now 35 (w/med induced sexual problems, single..) and my condition has never remitted.

I know it seems like a form of 'surrender', but maybe you should go on welfare for a while until you feel a bit better or find another job? Sorry if you find the suggestion offensive - it's not meant to be. Unfortunately I am well aware of what it means to underperform at work due to my illness and the pain it brings. Sounds like you need a bit of a break.

Before you consider bailing, let me say that your posts are intelligent and coherent, and someone like that has potential, even if it hasn't been realized...*yet*.

Best of luck.

Nohope

 

Re: Thanks all - I'm done. Nohope

Posted by jerrympls on September 5, 2004, at 9:17:59

In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done. jerrympls, posted by Nohope on September 5, 2004, at 4:50:33

> > I have no sex drive, no music flowing through me (I'm a musician), no creativity, no motivation, low self-esteem, poor body image because of med induced weight gain, anger, restlessness, insomnia..the list goes on.
> >
> > It's been like this for 13 years now. Started when I was about 19-20. I'm 32 now. Male...single...and gay (not that that matters).
>
> Hi Jerry.
>
> I can relate to a great of deal of what you are saying: I came down with a severe case of panic disorder - swiftly followed by major depression - when I was 21. I am now 35 (w/med induced sexual problems, single..) and my condition has never remitted.
>
> I know it seems like a form of 'surrender', but maybe you should go on welfare for a while until you feel a bit better or find another job? Sorry if you find the suggestion offensive - it's not meant to be. Unfortunately I am well aware of what it means to underperform at work due to my illness and the pain it brings. Sounds like you need a bit of a break.
>
> Before you consider bailing, let me say that your posts are intelligent and coherent, and someone like that has potential, even if it hasn't been realized...*yet*.
>
> Best of luck.
>
> Nohope
>
>

Nohope-

Your post was FAR from offensive. All the posts here have been wonderful. I DO need a break....we'll see what happens. Thank you for the complement on my posts. :-)

Jerry

 

Re: Thanks all - I'm done.

Posted by SLS on September 5, 2004, at 9:23:23

In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done. SLS, posted by jerrympls on September 4, 2004, at 21:04:14

Hi Jerry.

You have had much more than your share of difficulties to contend with. Your efforts to endure and find a cure are heroic and inspiring. I have no answers for you at the moment. Your case is quite challenging.

> I've been on everything....so many combinations...so many meds...ECT, Vegal Nerve implant, MAOIs, SSRIs, SNRIs, trycyclics, heterocyclics, sims, benzos, anti-psychotics, anti-eplieptics, mood stabilizers, herbals, talk therapy, CBtherapy, opiate therapy (which works but my doctors pulled out of).

Perhaps one place to begin is to list the treatments that you have had partial responses to, and which made your depression/anxiety worse (disregarding side effects).

> I don't drink, smoke or use illegal dugs.
>
> I'm angry...and frustrated...and numb seeing life go by.
>
> For what it's worth - here's what I am on now
>
> 375mg Effexor XR
> 56mg Concerta
> 40mg Valium (in 4 divided doses)
> .25mg Halcion
> 3mg Melatonin
> Synthriod

I can see that anxiety is a prominent component of your condition. How would you describe your depression? Are you plagued with sad or melancholic thoughts, or is it more a loss of interest and motivation? Is the Concerta for anergia/low-energy/fatigue or for ADD? How does it help you? Have you ever been manic or hypomanic? How is your memory?


- Scott

 

Re: Thanks all - I'm done. SLS

Posted by jerrympls on September 5, 2004, at 9:33:41

In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done., posted by SLS on September 5, 2004, at 9:23:23

> Hi Jerry.
>
> You have had much more than your share of difficulties to contend with. Your efforts to endure and find a cure are heroic and inspiring. I have no answers for you at the moment. Your case is quite challenging.
>
> > I've been on everything....so many combinations...so many meds...ECT, Vegal Nerve implant, MAOIs, SSRIs, SNRIs, trycyclics, heterocyclics, sims, benzos, anti-psychotics, anti-eplieptics, mood stabilizers, herbals, talk therapy, CBtherapy, opiate therapy (which works but my doctors pulled out of).
>
> Perhaps one place to begin is to list the treatments that you have had partial responses to, and which made your depression/anxiety worse (disregarding side effects).
>
> > I don't drink, smoke or use illegal dugs.
> >
> > I'm angry...and frustrated...and numb seeing life go by.
> >
> > For what it's worth - here's what I am on now
> >
> > 375mg Effexor XR
> > 56mg Concerta
> > 40mg Valium (in 4 divided doses)
> > .25mg Halcion
> > 3mg Melatonin
> > Synthriod
>
> I can see that anxiety is a prominent component of your condition. How would you describe your depression? Are you plagued with sad or melancholic thoughts, or is it more a loss of interest and motivation?

It's more of a complete loss of interest and motivation - anhedonia - I think it's called?

>Is the Concerta for anergia/low-energy/fatigue or for ADD? How does it help you?

Concerta is to augment the Effexor and to help with low energy, fatigue and to get me through work. It helps me by raising my mood to where I have at least some interest in doing something and it helps me concentrate - but not from any ADD diagnosis.

>Have you ever been manic or hypomanic?

Nope, never been hypomanic or manic.

>How is your memory?

My memory can nbe really good and really bad. After ECT 8 years ago it screwed up my memory terribly. I had to relearn how to read music and I've been reading music since I was a child! I also lost a big chunk of my ability to conceptualize - which does NOT help out at work. It took a LONG time to rebuild my wit and get back what ECT took away. Still today I can be talking to someone and all the sudden blank out (this happens A LOT) anc ompletely forget what I was talking about or what I was trying to get across to the other person (again NOT helpful at work especially during meetings). But I don't know how much is due to depression/meds or ECT.

>
>
> - Scott

I've always needed a stimulant - without them I am paralyzed.

 

Re: Thanks all - I'm done. jerrympls

Posted by sooshi on September 5, 2004, at 11:10:06

In reply to Thanks all - I'm done., posted by jerrympls on September 2, 2004, at 20:58:46

Hi Jerry,

I've been away from my computer for awhile, and just saw your post today, but I wanted to give you some support. As most of the previous posters have said, I too have been where you are, and luckily, have made it through (many times, actually) and just KNOW that you can too! Please stay connected here...if we are all that you have, then you have a great bunch of support here!! Sometimes a bunch of loonies are the ONLY people that can pull someone out of the black hole, ya know? We've got the experience and all the right tools and words to help, and the scars to show for it.

You will be ok. You will.

Sooshi

 

Re: Thanks all - I'm done.

Posted by iris2 on September 5, 2004, at 13:20:14

In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done. jerrympls, posted by sooshi on September 5, 2004, at 11:10:06

I am crying at the monumental outpouring of support on this board.

Thanks to Jerry for having the strength to post how he really feels.

Jerry, I hope you recognise that not only are you not alone but that others in similar situations do not have the strength of charactor to reach out to others and open themselves up as you have. Give yourself a big pat on the back. You have both courage and intelligence to write as you did.

I feel hopeless a lot of the time. I always think if I make a statement everyone will just think it is a "poor me" statement.

I am jealous of everyone here. I do not know a lot and have trouble learning what I need to know. I cannot work, have few friendships. Basically I do not function much on any level. I suspect that most here "work" and are able to do things like clean their homes, have friends they do things with and are active on some level.

I have tried what seems like every med and combination there is including 2 ECT stints, biofeedback, homeopathy, some supplements. I even opted to take a year off and spend it in a "mental hospital" in the hopes that this intense therapy time would mend me.

Besides atypical depression I am bulimic and have self injured. I live alone and have a couple of friends that speak on the phone to me but I never see. I have been sitting on my couch for the last two years, lonely, angry, disappointed, depressed and quite alone. My family provides some monetary support but no mental or emotional support. In fact they make me feel worse most of the time.

My last therapist has told me that I am a professional complainer. So I try not to complain too much. This is obviously a great exception.

My pdoc has has lost interest at most I can get a prescription. I used to have him as my main and really only support. I could talk to him about anything and he could make me laugh and enjoy the conversation. He could empathies with me at some level. Now I have no one.

I am not great at putting into words what I am trying to say but there you have it. Yes I know "poor me" I guess I needed to say it here at least this once.

Current meds:

oxycontin
ritalin
valium
klonopin
peridium-plus
amisulpride

Just ordered milnacipran. Not sure if I can continue with amisulpride. It helps some but my "interstitial cystitis" is bad and probably this is the cause. Lowered the dose, perhaps that will work.

Just started to have an interest in trying all these meds agian. How do you keep the hope about it all and a positive attitude?

Any suggestions welcome, that is why I wrote this.


irene

 

Re: Thanks all - I'm done. iris2

Posted by verne on September 5, 2004, at 15:03:36

In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done., posted by iris2 on September 5, 2004, at 13:20:14

Irene,

Don't feel alone. I haven't worked in over 15 years except for an early morning paper route a few years ago. I don't drive either.

I, too, have atypical depression and bpd. I somehow grew out of self-injuring which is one positive aspect of aging. Borderliners tend to mellow with age.

I've been hospitalized numerous times but not since 1992 when they had run out of options and scheduled me for ECT. I left AMA the night before.

I know the kind of isolation you are in. About 2 years ago I didn't leave my house for almost a year. I didn't even go into the yard. I did all my grocery shopping online which got to be a little tricky. I had alienated just about everybody (bpd anger) but the UPS driver and ran out of friends.

Then in November 2003, I bought a bunch of full spectrum lighting online, and I kid you not, was out walking within 2 weeks. I had heard it helped with depression so I installed it in a couple rooms and added a "light box" to my living room lighting scheme (probably not necessary and quite expensive).

The full spectrum lighting helped me get my foot in the door (or out the door). I started meditating, walking, and even made up with two estranged friends. I found someone who would pick me up and take me to the park for walks too. I also lost some weight.

There are some other things I did that probably should be left to the faith board. I'm still struggling but I have more hope than I had a couple years ago. I still hardly go out but that's mostly due to some recent problems with "self medicating" (alcohol).

Have you looked into the "Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder" book by Marsha M. Linehan? It's not easy to read but some sections are great - especially the handouts. There are year-long courses based on this book - even online - but I've felt to vulnerable to participate. Some of the exercises in this book are great.

take care,

Verne

 

sorry about getting your name wrong iris, nm (nm) verne

Posted by verne on September 5, 2004, at 15:06:00

In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done. iris2, posted by verne on September 5, 2004, at 15:03:36

 

Re: Thanks all - I'm done. verne

Posted by iris2 on September 5, 2004, at 15:38:30

In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done. iris2, posted by verne on September 5, 2004, at 15:03:36

Thanks,

I'll look up the book.

I have the lighting but never remember to use it.

You have motivated me to try it.

Thanks again


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